Should I continue to allow my daughter to spend time with her sick grandmother even though it may create a confused and deceitful child?
Hello All,
Ok here goes. I will try my best to sum up the most confusion that I have ever seen in one family. I have a mother that has always and is still currently trying to control my life. I am 31 years old, have taken care of myself since I was 13. My parents were not involvedin my life, therefore I moved from one relatives house to another. Neither of them were ever concerned abbot what happened to me.....even after a suicide attempt and a week long hospital stay; my dad visited me once and my mom never showed because she said she was to embarrassed to visit someone so stupid!!! Fine, I had forgiven her but of course never forgot!
After years of emotional abuse and eventually moving out permanently at the age of 18, I became pregnant at the age of 20. My mom oddly enough had a strong bond with my daughter. I was and still am confused about what kind of relationship to have with her since her actions of being controlling have never changed. There is no more emotional abuse; however since she and I have no true connection, I tend to be very private about my life.
The problem here is that my mom has stage 4 cancer. She was diagnosed about 3 years ago and I accompanied her during that doctor's visit...(still trying to be a daughter)! She had no car for transportation to go back and forth to MD Anderson...so guess what...I bought her one! 20 minus after I purchased it she said that I should have done it sooner!! What gives??!!! I forgave her again! She butts into every relationship that I have. She digs through my paperwork and looks in my personal things at my apartment! She calls my ex to see if she can stay over in order to be closer to her treatment center...mind you I live in the same city and have offered her to stay at my place several times!
She has crossed the line and here lies the ultimate problem!!!! She begs to spend time with my daughter even after a therapist advised me about 8 years ago to stay far away from my family considering the history that I informed her of! I ignored that because I wanted my daughter to know her grandmother since she has no relationship with her father or his relatives for that matter. When she does see my daughter she has allowed her to spend time with her boyfriend who drinks and drives, smokes pot, has done cocaine, and uses every cuss word in the book, even after promising me not to let it happen! She has given my daughter wine to "help her sleep" after i asked her not to...then she told my daughter not to tell me! Since she can't get my business out of me, she questions my 10 year old daughter about my life from my job down to my current relationship! I have mentioned to her that I don't appreciate her doing this because it causes my daughter to have to choose who deserves her loyalty and also involves her in an adult conversation which will only lead to disaster...as I have seen her do the same to my youngest sister; especially during her and my father's divorce!!! My sister (23) is completely out of control now!!
This past weekend my daughter was with her and she questioned my daughter on some things concerning my health, after weeks of not getting it out of me! 10 minutes before I made the drop off to granny's house I advised my daugher to not discuss anything concerning my business. They weren't 10 minutes down the road and guess what...granny asked her anyway and my daughter divulged everything that I told her not to.....(because it was granny)!
My mom is sick and I know that her time is limited....but as you can tell by the lenghty email...this is just the tip of the iceberg and I'm about to loose it! My daughter is now in trouble because she is old enough to understand that MOM said don't discuss and she initially lied and said that she didn't do it. I feel bad because my baby is in a tough situation here and so am I because I don't want somethig to happen to my mom and I regret not allowing her the time with her granddaughter, but she has pushed me to this point! I feel like she is setting my daughter up to be a sneaky manipulative backstabber just like she helped turn my sister into!!!I have not confronted my mom yet!!!!
Phew.............PLEASE HELP
When your mother dies, take your daughter and move to a new state. Give yourself a fresh start.
I commend you for taking care of your mother during a terminal illness. I hope you can have a final discussion and each of you can forgive each other.
Sounds like you have been through the ringer. I pray that life improves for you and your child.
Blessings......
Your Therapist said stay far away from your family....why are you going to this therapist if you are not going to take her advice? Run Girl...it's you and your girl and the world ahead of you...and keep the therapist in the picture..everyone needs a little help with navigation. Forgive them for the pain of the past...take a deep breath and create your future...I'll be praying for you. M.
First of all, I think the part about letting your daughter spend time with her grandmother isn't making her deceitful. Confused, certainly... and under the circumstances, who wouldn't be? Plus, she's getting carte blanche from Grandma that the boyfriend is okay (because Grandma's being deceitful toward you). Confusing, again. Grandma is also exploiting and sanctioning their spending time together without your supervision, and likely trying to win your impressionable daughter over. All she has to do is say a few right words to make your daughter feel like she's really in the right. It's sad.
Your daughter has been put between a rock and a hard place, because you are trying to make boundaries with your mentally ill mother through your her. Your daughter is not emotionally mature to do this dance with both of you. She wants to be the good granddaughter-- what granddaughter doesn't? Imagine the amount of control, resentment and manipulation which your mother levels at you...she might now be directing it toward a young child who has no idea how to gracefully and confidently tell her grandmother "you know, I'd prefer not to discuss Mom's business".
I've seen what comes of this in my own family of origin. The results aren't pretty.
I do think you must either supervise contact or deny your mom contact with your daughter. Your daughter is too young to understand all the elements in a relationship such as this. (This question, to me, is almost like one asked on a forum for children of narcissists or borderline personality disorder sufferers. ) I have seen the grandchildren of people in my own family deeply scarred because of people like this.You are going to have to step in. It's important to know what is being said, and your daughter needs you not to put her in the middle. You need to answer or rebuff your mother's questions yourself, and being present will give your daughter the support you likely wanted at her age. Have her back. Don't give her opportunities to break the rules with grandma, either. She needs you. Your mother's situation is sad, however, she's an adult. It's the child that needs protecting.
It may or may not relate to you or your predicament. When I turned 40, I decided.
NO ONE will dictate MY life or MY decisions. NO ONE will rule HOW I decide HOW things will be in MY life.
I, too, grew up with heartache.....no matter the scenario....you just have to put your foot down.
When you do this...things are soooo much easier.
I think it is amazing that you are trying to have a relationship with your mother and help her as much as you can despite your past with her. Normally I'd say it would probably be best to take a break from the relationship for a while, but obviously that isn't the case here since she is dying. However, she does not sound like a responsible grandmother. I would say that you should let your daughter spend time with her grandmother only when you are around and that's it. Do not let her spend time with your mother without your supervision, because these are the times that she will teach her to be deceitful. This would be the best way to limit the negative influences she might have on your daughter, while still allowing them to have a relationship before your mother dies.
:-( I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you are able to figure out the best thing to do, for both you and your daughter.
I think it's obvious that you can't leave your kid with grandma. I mean, really, I don't care how sick your mom is - wine to help the kid sleep? Exposure to illegal drugs? You think that's okay?
Stop putting your daughter in the middle. She's a kid, taught to respect adults. She's going to answer grandma's questions whether you like it or not. She shouldn't get into trouble for that. It's up to you to stand up to your mom (regardless of her health status) and protect your daughter.
Have you considered that your mom might have dementia? You should ask her doctor. If she does have dementia, I would severely limit the (supervised) visits if not stop them entirely.
I personally wouldnt let them hang out or visit alone anymore. I would go see her for a few hours, and take your daughter. Then when you leave she leaves. She is still getting to see her but not allowing her to do things that when alone, Grandma says is okay. Its terrible that your mother has cancer, and you are a really good daughter for sticking by her, and supporting her while she is going through this. Even though she has been terrible to you your whole life its sounds. You truly are the bigger person in all this. Its sad to see it seem like nothing is ever good enough for her from you. You bought her a car, a wonderful thing to do for her, and she doesnt even say thank you, wow how gracious of you? Sounds pretty selfish. I would not want my daughter to be around that influence. Its a toxic relationship, and not good for her. I wouldnt keep her from seeing her, but I wouldnt let her do it alone.
Best wishes to you and your family as you go through such a tough time.
S.,
Your number one job as a Mom is to protect your child.
It is understandable that you have conflicted feelings about your Mom. It sounds like she was not a good Mom, but of course she is your Mom and so we do our best to forgive, but that does not mean you need to leave your daughter with her.
Your Mom is sick and it is wonderful that you continue to be an attentive daughter and allow a relationship between your Mom and your daughter. That is kind and giving. But keep it healthy and within limits.
My advice is to NEVER leave your daughter with her. You can take your daughter to visit your Mom while you are there supervising for small doses on occasion, but from what you describe it is not safe to leave her with your mother.
So, now is your chance to be a good Mom and protect your daughter. And stay in therapy so that your therapist can help you navigate through this difficult time.
Sorry about your situation. Here are 2 books I think can help (check your library if you are unsure about spending the $):
(You can read the 1st few pages and reviews here also)
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/d...
http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Factor-John-Townsend/dp/0310225590
Hope it helps :)
Hi S.,
I haven't read anyone else's response but I can tell you as someone who has lived this nightmare with my MIL. One, talking to your mom won't change anything. Should you confront her? Yes, at the time that you lay out why you and your dtr. will not be visiting anymore. Not scolding by any means, but shoulda listened to the therapist. I know it's hard b/c they are family and we get sucked into the guilt thing and maybe she will change if I do ...fill in the blank. Doesn't happen!! 2) Your dtr. at the tender age of 10 is already exposed to things that she didn't need to be by your mom! It is ILLEGAL to drink at 10!! And yes, the child will ultimately exhibit signs of ODD of which the symptoms are lying, cheating, and stealing. As far as handlling the situation with your daughter...I would explain that you two are not going to be seeing granny b/c granny gets her into trouble, that GRANNY has been asked to stay out of your business and not to ask her questions and she does it anyway. That Granny has somehow made your dtr. feel like she can't tell you the truth and that that is not acceptable. Tell her you don't want her to feel bad or feel she has to choose so you are going to protect her. It may be tough for awhile but it's for the best in the long run. I guess if you two want to say bye to her on her death bed that might be ok but I would find a good therapist to help navigate this situation to the end. But for now, I would stop all visits...period. It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is sick and doesn't want to do anything about it. (mentally). If you want to hear my story just contact me.
I hope things get better for you and your dtr. soon!
KP
Supervised visits only. Your daughter is not safe with this woman or the people in her life. I wouldn't let my son be alone with my mother either.
I think the best compromise for the situation may be to only allow supervised visits for your daughter. It is a difficult situation for you and your daughter.
I can't get past giving her wine to sleep! I would be there on the visits.
