Hi everyone- hoping for some perspective from those of you with kids who have had boyfriends/girlfriends or can date, and would love to hear from moms of boys on this, too! My daughter is a freshman, she will be allowed to go on group dates at 15 (another 6 months from now) and regular dates at 16. We are fine if she likes a guy to be able to say she is his girlfriend, and talk/text, things like that, which hasn't happened yet. She has had crushes before, but from a very big distance. She is still the young girl who sort of panics if someone says they like her- I think it's easy to have a crush, but once it gets real she freaks and says she doesn't like that boy anymore. Very normal, I know, and fine- I'm glad she doesn't force anything that she's not comfortable with.
Anyway, there is a boy in one of her classes that likes her, he is a sophomore but we've seen him at church and he seems super sweet. He is SO shy, we see him look at her all through church, but when she looks at him to smile, he always looks away. We've also seen him point her out to his mom, who just smiles so sweetly at her. But then after church he will maybe summon the courage to text her and tell her that she looks nice. She says she doesn't think she really likes him that way, but again, I think she is freaked out by the idea.
So, yesterday he texts her and after a painfully awkward exchange, he asked her to a movie. Now she can't go because of our rules, and she said she didn't really want to go (but she is a little goofy and silly when she talks about him). Here's the funny thing- we've worried for so long that what if no one takes an interest in her or what happens when someone breaks her heart. We hadn't thought of worrying about her hurting someone else's feelings!
How do you teach your kids to let someone down easy? How do boys really take it when they are turned down? My daughter does not want to encourage him to pursue her, but she does not want to hurt his feelings. And given that they have a class together, she sure doesn't want it to be awkward. My thought was to let him know that she can't go out because she's not allowed yet. But that she is enjoying getting to know him and hopes they can still text and talk to get to know each other better to see if they should just be friends or if something more develops (she would say this in cool kid talk, of course!!).
You veteran moms must be giggling, because you've been through this a million times. This is new for us and my daughter is looking to me to suggest the course of action. I know this wasn't a marriage proposal or anything, I just know this kid is really shy and sweet and I hate the thought of this hurting him- especially because I think as DD matures a little and approaches dating age, this guy would be a great catch. Maybe she won't ever admit to liking him, or she'll move on, not trying to arrange this, just my mommy gut here. What were/are your experiences here?? Thanks so much!
"I'm not ready to date anyone or be 'in a relationship' with anyone, but I would love to go to a movie with you as friends."
I let my kids know that other people's feeling were just as important as their own and suggested that they treat other people as they would like to be treated.
If she doesn't want to encourage any kind of friendship with him, then a simple "thanks for asking but I can only go out with my girlfriends right now, see you around!" should suffice.
If she thinks he's someone she wouldn't mind having in her circle of friends (my teens are 17 and 16 and both have opposite-gender friends), then she could say something like "my friends and I were thinking of seeing [whatever movie], do you want to all go together or can you meet us there?" (assuming that you're fine with mixed groups of friends).
I used to get hit on regularly by some goofy, shy guys who I worked with (because I was nice to them like I am to everyone) and the "I'm not allowed to date" thing always worked well but it was very clearly a date that was being asked of me. In this case, it's not 100% clear that he's thinking "date" and not "church/school friend trip to the movies" (unless the texts indicated something more) so I wouldn't necessarily go there with "I can't date" but the "I can only go out in groups with my girlfriends" rule.
In my opinion, IF YOU would have stuck by your 'age rule', then I would have her simply tell him your rule, and explain why she cannot go. No need to say more than that; and in fact, it is the truth.
I suspect your dilemma 'may' be that if she HAD wanted to go, you might have caved. (I could of course be totally off base).
In my experience, kids of this age are often very fickle, and in a few weeks, feelings and perceptions may very well have changed.
I am a mom of 4 young men, and 3 young women (18 to 25). Group activities in mixed groups were encouraged by me (and under careful supervision of ALL parents) starting in about 7th grade. All the kiddos have managed to maintain good solid friendships with members of BOTH sexes as a result. Only 3 of my kiddos have serious relationships at this point (one is engaged, and two have been steadily dating for a couple of years).
No grands yet, and all are focusing on careers, or their respective educations. FINE BY ME!
This is a challenging AND wonderful stage of their lives...watching them grow from children into young adults. Try to take a deep breathe, and enjoy! She will be off on her own soon enough.
Best!
i'm a little surprised by how many people are falling back on the age rule. it's NOT the age rule. she's genuinely not interested, and i think it's great training for her to figure out now how to be kind and honest.
it's not for you to ferret out what's *really* going on under the mutual shyness and awkwardness. all that's important is that a) she's not going to be his girlfriend and b) she needs to let him down, gently but honestly.
as the mother of a young man who got hammered by callous girls in his teen years, i tell you true, i wish girls had been both nice and upfront. i'm not sure why so many find them mutually exclusive.
a little awkwardness or some minor hurt feelings are unavoidable. that's vastly preferable to dancing around the truth, or finding untrue excuses, or giving false hope.
'everett, i really like you as a friend. i'm not going to be able to go to the movies with you because i'm not romantically interested, and anyway my folks wouldn't let me. but i think your (hair, t-shirt, artwork, brilliance at physics, knowledge of the bible, basketball skills) is wonderful and i'm glad i've got you as a friend.'
khairete
S.
I agree that it's fine to let your daughter label you as the "bad guy" and simply say, "I'm not allowed to date yet." But I also think it's wise to encourage her to include this boy in the group outings. Both kids are a little shy or reticent, but the only way to get "good" at dating and at social relationships is to actually practice them. No one knows what chemistry they will or won't have with someone until they get to know them, but it doesn't have to be about who's a good catch and who isn't. Mostly, she should make it about inclusion - so no one feels rejected. There's so much of that in the teen years anyway.
So, for now, what do you permit? If they can't go on group dates, can they have a pizza party at the house while you are home? What if there were a party every month or every 2 weeks, on a rotating basis? We had kids at our house all the time, and they played ping pong and Monopoly and Apples to Apples and Uno, they watched movies, they ate popcorn, they played music, and just hung around. I would pop in occasionally with another plate of nachos or a big crockpot full of sweet & sour meatballs, a tray of quesadillas, whatever. The kids were in charge of clean up and dishes, trash disposal, etc. Let them socialize in groups, no dating/pairing up, and just have fun. If a few parents volunteer their homes and pledge to be around, not annoying but definitely stopping in without notice to collect the empties and bring refills, kids build friendships and find that parents aren't so horrible after all. That let's them "practice" before the group movie and mall dates start up in 6 months.
My son did very little dating until senior year. The kids just hung out in about 4 or 5 different homes, and we parents pretty much knew each other (maybe not from before, but we came to know each other just by doing drop-offs and pick-ups and then running into each other at the supermarket prepping for these parties). If every kid is asked to bring a little something, or if 2 kids go in on nachos/salsa and 3 others do soda, it's manageable financially. Putting an appetizer plate together or washing out the popcorn bowls are good tasks to throw kids together without them actually being romantically involved. Making some pizzas or a pot of pasta & sauce even teaches them the value of cooking skills without it being a chore Mom & Dad are forcing on them!
However, in our son's crowd, one house only had soda and freeze pops in stock, and the kids thought it was awesome.
Some houses had a game room (air hockey, ping pong, pool), other houses had a TV/DVD set up in the basement, some had a large family room and a bunch of throw pillows from the dollar store that the kids could trot out as needed. It's not as important what you have as whether you make it available.
My son was on the cross country and track teams, so the XC kids (boys and girls) had a pasta party before the first meet, and they all had to organized it together. Thereafter, the kids just hung out and they learned to be friends first, date second. When the school dances came around, they often just went as a group. When junior prom and senior ball came around, they paired up, but many were not actually dating romantically, just escorting each other. So it was actually extremely healthy and I think it took a lot of the worry away for me.
Updated
I agree that it's fine to let your daughter label you as the "bad guy" and simply say, "I'm not allowed to date yet." But I also think it's wise to encourage her to include this boy in the group outings. Both kids are a little shy or reticent, but the only way to get "good" at dating and at social relationships is to actually practice them. No one knows what chemistry they will or won't have with someone until they get to know them, but it doesn't have to be about who's a good catch and who isn't. Mostly, she should make it about inclusion - so no one feels rejected. There's so much of that in the teen years anyway.
So, for now, what do you permit? If they can't go on group dates, can they have a pizza party at the house while you are home? What if there were a party every month or every 2 weeks, on a rotating basis? We had kids at our house all the time, and they played ping pong and Monopoly and Apples to Apples and Uno, they watched movies, they ate popcorn, they played music, and just hung around. I would pop in occasionally with another plate of nachos or a big crockpot full of sweet & sour meatballs, a tray of quesadillas, whatever. The kids were in charge of clean up and dishes, trash disposal, etc. Let them socialize in groups, no dating/pairing up, and just have fun. If a few parents volunteer their homes and pledge to be around, not annoying but definitely stopping in without notice to collect the empties and bring refills, kids build friendships and find that parents aren't so horrible after all. That let's them "practice" before the group movie and mall dates start up in 6 months.
My son did very little dating until senior year. The kids just hung out in about 4 or 5 different homes, and we parents pretty much knew each other (maybe not from before, but we came to know each other just by doing drop-offs and pick-ups and then running into each other at the supermarket prepping for these parties). If every kid is asked to bring a little something, or if 2 kids go in on nachos/salsa and 3 others do soda, it's manageable financially. Putting an appetizer plate together or washing out the popcorn bowls are good tasks to throw kids together without them actually being romantically involved. Making some pizzas or a pot of pasta & sauce even teaches them the value of cooking skills without it being a chore Mom & Dad are forcing on them!
However, in our son's crowd, one house only had soda and freeze pops in stock, and the kids thought it was awesome.
Some houses had a game room (air hockey, ping pong, pool), other houses had a TV/DVD set up in the basement, some had a large family room and a bunch of throw pillows from the dollar store that the kids could trot out as needed. It's not as important what you have as whether you make it available.
My son was on the cross country and track teams, so the XC kids (boys and girls) had a pasta party before the first meet, and they all had to organized it together. Thereafter, the kids just hung out and they learned to be friends first, date second. When the school dances came around, they often just went as a group. When junior prom and senior ball came around, they paired up, but many were not actually dating romantically, just escorting each other. So it was actually extremely healthy and I think it took a lot of the worry away for me.
1st response: rules are made for breaking. (eye roll) Sometimes as parents we have to give a little. That said, I applaud this young man for pushing past his own shyness & reaching out to your daughter. I honestly would let her go with him IF she wanted to...simply to applaud such a leap of courage for both teens. Since I'm assuming he's not of driving age, a parent/chaperon will be involved, right? That means it's not a date...it's a supervised outing. :) Unless he's driving & the whole scenario changes....it's still a NO. She's only 14, right?
2nd response: I'm curious why she doesn't want to go? Truly not interested in him? Following your rules? Why isn't she interested? You've got the basis for a good talk with your daughter!
3rd response: seems like both you & the other mom are kinda too involved. A little too much encouraging/drawing attention to a spark of interest on his part. Time to decide if you're going to break your rules or not....& then stand firm on your choice...which means quit drawing her attention to him/others!
Instead of letting him down easy, make it a group event. Have her ask a couple of friends to go to the movie and ask him to join them. Or make it a a family night, you and hubby take the kids to the movie. You can sit a few rows behind them or with them. They boy can pay for his ticket or tickets for both of them and snacks, then all of you go out for ice cream after. You can explain to him she is not allowed to date until she is older but you can include him in family events once in a while.
Your daughter's reaction is completely normal. She's between the boys are yukky and boys are cute stage. Once she gets to know him she might decide he's great or they may go their separate ways, or they may become good friends. Encourage her to expand her circle of friends. Who knows a few years down the road they go to the same college and he would be there to help her in those scary first days.
My son is 14. He will be 15 in 3 short months.
He's allowed to have a girlfriend. He's not allowed "single" dates. Everything must be GROUP and if they go to a movie? Yeppers...the adult goes to ...sits in the back...I remember being a teen...
If this was my son and your daughter? I would have my daughter tell him that she can't go on single dates, only group dates. So if there are 3 or 4 other people going, she can go. But she can't break the rules of the house.
He should respect that. I would hope my kid did! :)
Don't push them together. Keep the lines of communcation open with her. Show her trust...and let her know the consequences of breaking that trust...
Good luck!
I have two sons, 20 and 17, and neither one dates yet - and they are both great-looking guys if I do say so myself. :P
My sons are very different from each other, but they have a similar philosophy - use your teen years to figure out who YOU are before you get in a serious relationship with someone else.
I'm not saying everyone has to do it that way. I have a wonderful niece who just broke up with her high school boyfriend after she went away to college. That being said, their relationship "muddied the water" on her college decision, though she ended up doing what was best for her.
If I were the boy's mom I'd talk with him and let him know that your daughter is very young and new to all this. Therefore it's not fair to expect her to know what she wants. That takes time. A strong young man will give her space and continued respect and goodwill. He can cope with his own feelings of disappointment in a healthy way (a mark of maturity). I would talk with your daughter about how to spot emotionally mature guys.
Good luck navigating these waters!
ETA: I also like group outings.
You tell her it's ok if she makes you out to be the bad guy.
"Sorry - I wish I could but my Mom has this rule where I can't date till I'm sixteen".
That way she's not rejecting him, she just can't say yes because of the rule.
Of course - sometimes the guy asking isn't all sweet and innocent and the guy NEEDS to be put down - you don't worry about sparing that guys feelings.
Assuming she likes him enough to be friends (since they talk/text), she should just say...I'm not allowed to go out with male friends until I'm 16...but we can still have our friendly chats.
That way she's not saying she will DATE him but that she can't go with him (because he's a male friend) until she's at least 16. By the time she can date, she will know if she's changed her mind about being more then just a friend.
The key here is that she's friendly after this exchange, even if she has to initiate it.
I got the same vibe as FelineStroller. Maybe you would have relaxed the rules if she were interested in going with him?
I would stick to the facts. She can only go out in groups.
She can be forthright and honest, though, without being rude or leaving expectations that when she has her birthday things will be different. Like Fuzzy said, she "isn't ready to be in a relationships with anyone right now" but if there is a movie she'd enjoy seeing (with a group of friends) there is no reason she couldn't ask him to join the group. Right?
I am mom to a 16 yr old boy, who has his first girlfriend (that I know about anyway). He's had crushes I think, but no actual girlfriends before. He can't drive any non-family members in the car yet, so dates have been a non-issue.
If she is actually friends with the boy, she can behave like a friend. If she isn't really friends with him already, then asking him to join her group for a movie is encouraging him, and she shouldn't do that if she knows she isn't interested in him romantically.
My DD just turned 15 and we don't have a "set" age for dating. She's not interested in anyone in particular at the moment, but she does meet up with groups for activities like bowling. My gut feeling on your situation is that (if it were me), I'd be more concerned that she isn't able to express herself to a boy in a somewhat assertive way yet. She should be comfortable enough to say "I'd love to go to a movie with you, but I'm only allowed to go on group outings. Can we get some others together and make it a group type of thing?"
If she can't say/communicate that much, then she won't be able to assert herself when she's sitting next to him in a dark theater and he does something she may not be ready for. I'm a big believer in girls (all kids, really) sticking to their convictions and communicating them to others when needed. DD is of the mindset of saving herself for marriage. Not jumping into the dating scene too early is part of that for her and she has let people know it when necessary. Good luck!
Why not see if she's comfortable asking him to join your family at the movies or at an activity. That way she's not breaking the rules and is in a group but gets to sit next to him and be "together" in a simple small way. This is a good way for her to get to know him.
Don't change your rules b/c you think he's a nice sweet guy. If she asks you for advice what to say, then be honest with her but make sure its her decision. It sounds like you like him more than she does. She's old enough to chose who she wants to or doesn't want to date. There's really no rush or timeline that she has to date when she turns 16.
I had the same rules with my kids and it was to protect them. They were not allowed to go on one-on-one dates until 16. I wanted them to be old enough to chose whether or not they wanted to be where they were and have the ability to drive themselves so they weren't "stuck".
My daughter (17) asked me why I allowed her to go out with a guy last year (not the best guy by any stretch of the imagination). I told her she probably would've done it anyway behind my back and they "dated" but were never actually allowed out alone. She was a little impressed with my thought process and how I allowed it, but not really.
This is super easy, "Thanks for asking me. I'm not allowed to date."
Added: she should be careful to avoid using any phrase like, "I would but..." because that would be intentionally leading him to think that she'd otherwise have said yes.
My first date was when I was 14. Guess why I got to go??? My Dad took us and stayed during the date. We went to the movies. He didn't sit with us but was near by like behind us. Why don't you suggest going with them. It was awkward and the boy never asked again but I did get to go on a date. I guess.....
