My 11 year old son has been diagnosed with ADD. He's really a good kid but has difficulty paying attention, lacks organizational and problem solving skills and can be impulsive. Long story short, he's not medicated and we've been using behavior modification to try to improve his skills in these areas and prevent some of the bad decision making. He's been in trouble in the past but never for anything too serious. I am so angry and disappointed right now I don't know what to do about this latest situation and could use some advice.
Last night my younger son had lost his wallet so my husband was helping him look for it. He found the wallet (my older son had taken it without permission) hidden under the 11 year old's bed along with a pellet gun that apparently he stole from a friend of his. I asked him about it and he said at first he'd borrowed it but I could tell by the look on his face he wasn't telling me the whole story. Then he said he took it without his friend knowing.
I'm so angry that he decided to 1. steal from a friend, 2. leave a dangerous weapon under his bed where his younger brothers could have gotten it and hurt themselves or each other, and 3. didn't treat a gun as a weapon and with respect.
So far I've told him he's grounded from all video games for 1 month. He has to go with me to give the pellet gun back and tell his friend's parents what he did. I intend to enroll him in the Police Activity League this summer where they pair a police officer with a child to hang out and talk about being responsible. I explained to him that his brothers could have been hurt, that if he'd taken the gun to school he would have been expelled and that he may lose his friend. I think he needs to be able to visualize the consequences of what could have happened and what may still happen. He will have to deal with what comes.
My husband is especially angry because not too long ago my son was in trouble for stealing from him. I think it might feel better to my husband to get angry and yell but it won't teach our son anything. Does it seem like we've done enough? It doesn't completely feel like it, so if anyone had advice I'd love to hear it.
I just wanted to mention in response to the last person that posted. In Roseville, where I live, the sergeant of the community services department that runs the Police Activies League is the parent of a disabled child. And his son, like mine, has a behavioral health disability that isn't apparent to the causual observer. He is also the chair of SEPAC, our local Special Education Parents Advisory Committee so I feel it's okay to share this information. He isn't private about his own struggles with getting the assitance he needs for his son through the schools and community. My son has gone to PAL over the summer and it's been wonderful. They keep him busy and out of trouble but he doesn't have to hang out with the babies at day care. I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere with him and it's thanks in part to both PAL and SEPAC. I just wanted to caution against stereotyping police officers. I used to work with them and I know on an individual basis that you get all kinds. Some are not understanding but that isn't every police officer and certainly not the ones who volunteer their time in the community service department.
Thanks everyone for your support at a difficult moment!
I think that you have done a good job. Especially with the Police Activity League. I think that will help him a lot. Keep thinking positive and know that you have done the best you can to reverse this behavior.
Hi A.,
Well nobody ever told us mothering was going to be easy! Phew it is the most rewarding and most difficult job ever! I think you are pretty much on the mark in regards to the stealing issue. Honestly, I havent had to deal with that yet, but I have had to deal with the ADD issue. I fought it with my youngest son for years. We tried every class and every alternative out there. Of course there are a lot of helpful choices, like the behavioural modification and so on. We always had my son in an high energy, organized, (exhausting) sport, he loves it and I think it really helps. At age 14 my son got so bad at paying attention, staying focused, and so on that his gradces really started to slip and he began having awful anxiety attacks. He wanted to do well and would study all afternoon and into the late night. It was a heart break! Finally after a big blow up at school we took him back to the Dr. and relunctantly started him on the meds. A., it has changed his life! It took a couple of months of finding the right dosage and so on but now he is 16 and a 3.4 student and so proud of himself. He never forgets to take the meds. They are his brain food he calls them. It really has been life changing for him. He is so much more at peace and able to focus, be patient, be organized and so on. The core of his wonderful, witty, kind personality didnt change a bit. I am just thankful we finally gave in. Now, I am not advocating this for everyone just sharing my story! Good luck!
Please read more about his diagnosis, and before you send him to the police activity know that they have little experience with patience towards children w/ disabilities especially if they don't look disabled. take care,
I agree with the other moms who advise that your son needs to learn empathy, by example. It's never too early to understand about consequences for your actions and how they impact others. I also wonder whether letting a child with ADD or ADHD play video games AT ALL is a good idea. Doesn't that just contribute to the attention deficit problem?
A.,
It really sounds like you handled things well. The hard part with having a child with ADHD is that they just don't connect the dots well. Understanding consequences of particular actions is a really weakness in kids with this condition. He may have just thought the pellet gun was cool and that he'd hide it so he could look at it later, not thinking at all about how dangerous it was. Have you read "ADHD & Me" yet? It's a great book written by a teenager with the condition and it really helped me understand my son's perspective. I think you'd relate a lot to the stories, given what you've just shared.
To me, it sounds like you've handled it really well. As I'm sure you know from experience, punishment (and praise) for ADHD kids has to be big to have any value. Losing a month of video games would seem like a good choice. And I love your idea of the PAL program.
Do you see a behavioral therapist at all for your son's issues? They're great for situations like you've mentioned, confirming you've done the right thing or making recommendations on other strategies that might be appropriate.
I just want to share my views on this, having had a daughter who, around 10-11 years old began to steal and a son who is ADD.
I think what you're doing is great. I had lots of advice about my daughter stealing (to gain popularity?? She stole $20 from my sister and bought candy with it, which she passed out to her friends -- you make the call), ranging from making her apologize and work off the money, to actually giving her an allowance (I'm sorry--are you really telling me that I need to PAY my child not to STEAL from me??)
My son, who is ADD actually never stole from me, so I can't really say the stealing is related to your son's condition, I guess that remains to be seen. But I will say this about punishing a child with ADD. Taking away the video games for a specified period of time worked for me, oh--probably ONCE. A child with ADD doesn't respond well to grounding (this came from his counselor) because a month seems like a year so they just basically shut down and don't learn a lesson from it. Also, I am (sadly) a 'yeller', and quickly learned that he did not respond to yelling at all. Instead, it (a) made him focus on his poor self for being yelled at and (b) made him feel that I'd lost control and wasn't worth listening to anyway.
Making him return the gun, explain and apologize to his friend FITS the crime and I think it's an excellent idea. I'm not familiar with the PAL but it also looks like an excellent way to expose him to all perspectives of wrongdoing.
I've learned from you today, believe it or not, and I'm glad you posted this!
Take care, let us know how it goes,
J.
Dear A.,
It sounds like you have done a great job with this situation. I especially like the Police activity you found. You are making him responsible for his actions. I have an 11 year old ADD girl. They don't make wise decisions even when the options are laid out for them. She knows what is right and what I expect, but still serves self first. This is her nature to think of herself first. It is tough. It is a long learning period. Just keep on teaching the lessons over and over, continue with him paying retribution for stealing and facing the ones he hurts. It may be awhile to teach him. Yelling and guilt don't work with these kids, I know. Have him write a paper on stealing, or telling the truth or consequenses of breaking the law. That may help solidify it for him. Good luck.
Stac
Hi A.!
I too believe that you have done a considerably great job! My first thoughts while reading your request was that he needs to return the gun to his friend and tell him what he did.
The Police Activity League is also an awesome choice! Unfortunately you will have to wait until he goes through the course until you will be able to see more results regarding the stealing.
Is he interested in guns, or was he just envying his friend? You might want to take him through a gun safety course, so he can learn to respect and safely handle them. I'm sure that the gun clubs in town have these courses. I am not an advocate for guns, but have several friends who are, and think the first line of defense is a weapon safety course for anyone interested in them... This course probably teaches common sense about storing them away from children, handling them with others around, etc... I wouldn't be surprised if there is a class geared towards the youth education of guns!
You're doing a great job already, don't doubt that at all! You created very responsible and reasonable consequences for him!
First of all, take a breath. You and your husband are like all of us -- we put an adult spin on children's behavior and take it WAY beyond where it is at the present. If your son is ADD, he may not have good cause and effect understanding yet and he may not have good impulse control, so he may not be thinking about the gun as a weapon, but as a cool toy. You need to try to identify, with your child, why he is stealing and help him fill whatever need that's being fulfilled by stealing in a more positive (and obviously socially acceptible way). I would be just as upset as you at finding a gun of any type under the mattress, but this may not be an issue about a gun; it's may be more about stealing. All child behavior is a form of communication. You also mentioned he stole his brother's wallet. Why did he feel he needed to steal? Help him understand how his brother and friend must feel when something of theirs is stolen. Another question I have is: who is this child that had a pellet gun in the first place, if he is the same age as your son? His mother may or may not know that he had a pellet gun in the first place!
You are in a difficult position. All of my children stole from me and others. Generally, all for the same reason: did not put themselves in the other person's position & just wanted it. Children don't understand another persons perspective they operate from their own perspective ALWAYS. Did you ask him why he took another person's property? It is how you are responding now that will help him in the long run. What are your family motto's and rules where are they posted. Keep reminding the kids of the rules but let them also participate in them. We did this and it really helped.
