Need Advice - Baudette, MN

C.,

I can't relate from a mother side, yet, but I certainly can from his. When I turned 13 I swear I went demon! I didn't want my parents involved at all. As soon as they would come home I would go to my room and shut my door or pick up the phone so I didn't have to talk to them. I thought I was grown up enough to know what was good for me. I think that is that age for the most part, you think you an adult. I can't believe the stuff and people I involved myself with! I recently found out that one of my friends that I hung out with died of a drug overdose (or suicide) at age 23. I can't imagine where I would be if my parents didn't involve themselves as much as they did. Its a scarey thought. Don't stop asking questions and definately DO NOT stop talking. Follow your gut. My mom helped me so much with just following her motherly instincts! Play a video game with him and just involve yourself into what he is into. Develop a stronger bond. I don't know if he is getting into the rebel stage yet, but I hit that hard. Watch too for too much isolation. I was really depressed at that time too. Is the video game in his room or out in the open. I would take his TV and video games out in the open rooms if it gets too bad. I feel for you and I hope things get better!

My son is almost 12. I've been noticing the moodiness and not wanting to talk. The two things that I've been trying that seem to help is that one night a week - or if it seems like something is bothering him - I'll go lay with him after bedtime in the dark and ask if there's anything he wants to talk about. I may talk about things that I've been thinking about or if something has been bothering me. Lack of eye contact is the biggest part of this I think. The other thing we've been doing is having dates -- dinner/movie out, just me and him. Gives him a chance to be one-on-one, enjoying something. Seems to help. Good luck!

I read a book that went to the heart of establishing/maintaining connection with kids, "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk", by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

This is a resource that I have found valuable, along with their other book "Siblings without Rivalry"

Good luck!

I have the same fear. I did notice that if I wanted to have a meaningful conversation with my oldest, I had to be sneaky about it. The less eye contact the better. We speak a lot better when we're in the car or he's building something. That way he doesn't feel preasured to answer. I do know that you don't really need to direct the conversation. Let him do it.

Letting him grow up is another story. It's hard to stop the constant mothering. He needs his own space and he needs to initiate the conversation. The more you mother him the more he'll pull away. Does he make good decisions? How mature is he? My niece is 13 but she's much more mature than her age. Give him some responsibility, like he's in charge of his own room, make him keep it clean. Let him help you cook a meal once in a while. Kids love to feel like they're helping. Is he your only child, or your first? It's harder to let them grow up.

Good Luck and remember all kids have to grow up. It's harder for us moms than for the kid.

My son is now 16. When I notice the connection becoming more disconnected I decided to stare the attention to something else. I only allow him 1 hour to play before bed time for video games. Cooking seem to help my son and he loved to do this and to let him be responsible for cooking something like desert or even breakfast or supper depending on the day. I always ask questions which I am sure you probably do about their day. I talk to him as if he was an older child, I also remind him I will always question him to see if things are done. I told him all moms do this even after they leave home. I gave him more chores and did some extra special for him if he did them like we would sneak out just us two and go out for a lunch or dinner at a close restaurant. The rewards are awesome and at age 16 he still ask to do things extra so that we can be together. Hope this helps. C.

Hi C.!
Natalie hit it head on!! Kudos!! Having gone through this three times now, (one more to go! Lucky me!) I can honestly say that it's a mother's instinct to nuture the kids too death!! LOL!! Ok, seriously, treat him as the young adult that he is turning into. He still needs your guidance and direction, even though he may not think so. This is an age of constant struggle within themselves. They're trying to figure out where they fit in with YOU and maintain a balance of independence. Natalie suggested playing a video game with him, YES!! Even if you feel silly, go with it. Laugh, ask his advise on what to do while playing the game, admit that you're no good at it, ask him how he got so good, how he figured it out. Amazingly, this will open the door to further conversations about various things. You're acknowledging that he knows something you don't. That makes him feel important and worthwhile. At the same time, you become more "human" to him by admitting a weakness, even if it is just playing a video game not so well. Every little bit of precious time you spend with him, every conversation, makes it easier for the two of you to communicate and touch base with each other. He is growing up, Mom, but he's still and always will be...your little man! Just remember to treat him as a young adult.

Just Me!
S.