Need Advice - Victoria, TX

The children have learned to manipulate their father. THe father needs to learn to stick to rules/punishment/no means no. They are making a fool of him which he does not see at this point. True the behavior will only get worse to the point that they will be totally out of control.

Hello, I do not have children of my own just one stepdaughter. I went through the exact same thing with my stepdaughter. The only thing you can really do is talk with your husband, b/c if you do not have the money like we don't they will get disappointed and mad later on when they grow up and ask for things. Try talking to your husband about if he is going to buy them things, to make them earn them. Doing house chores, having good manners, etc. Then give them a set allowance if they do them to get a toy. Just make a chart for both of them and each time they do something, then give them a check. And at the end of there stay, they have to have so many check marks. Also, If you are having problems with the mother, try to talk to her yourself. My daughters mother is the same way and I try not to let her push him over. But we have not went through a custody battle, we have made a agreement between us. I wish you luck, and try to call the family court district attorney, and you may be able to do it free! Best of Luck

She can't keep the boys from him. Legally she has to make them available to him. Contact the AG office. I would have him go get them when its his time whether she likes it or not, if she won't let him have them, call the sheriff. Have him keep clothes of theirs at your house that way he doesn't need anything from her to have them. When we get my stepdaughter, we just pick her up, nothing else. She has everything she needs at our house, I wash what she wore down and that is what we send her back to her mom wearing.

RE: spoiling them and babying them. I'm in the same situation with my step daughter. I can't get mad at my husband though because I spoil her just as much, but we don't baby her. Its been a struggle at our house because we want her to be independent and her mother and grandmother want her to remain a baby and dependent on them for everything.

Its hard on divorced parents, they feel so much guilt over the divorce that I guess they over-indulge the kids trying to make up for it. The problem is, it doesn't do the kids any favors in the long run and doesn't help them function in the real world in any way.

Let your husband spoil them some, as long as they are disciplined and not disrespectful to either of you.

If you have a court order you don't need a lawyer just take the police with you or call them when you go to get them! Are you where you drive to get them? Just make sure you have your court order and they will enforce it! If not you may have to take her to court it is against the law to with hold the children who cares if she gets mad at you. As far as your husband are you guys military? go get some counseling with guys it sometimes take a third party to get through to them and maybe all of you should go if possible but I would first start with you two so that you have a united plan to approach the children with because once you decide to lay down the new law they will rebel and not understand so just tackle it before it starts, tricare will cover counseling...

You can go back to court... Contact the attorney general and she can be sited for Failure to Comply. It is a myth that the AG's office only handle the child support money. They can provide and attorney at HER cost if she is found to be in contempt of court. Also in the short term if that won't work if you have a copy of the court order take it when you go for the next scheduled pick up of the boys if she refuses to turn them over you can call the cops and they will force her to allow you to have them. Alway remember that the court order will protect you for visitation.
As far as him spoiling the boys I know how you feel. I have a 10 1/2 yrs old step-son that only comes for the summer and every other holiday. My husband spoils him to no end, and leaves out our daughter and his step-daughter. Last summer when this happened I finally put my foot down and said the we were a family and that my step-son would have to learn that we function as family and that if he did like dinner that he would fix himself and peanut butter and jelly and that if he did like going with us then he would go and pretend to have a good time. I had to explain that everybody got a say and we would listen, but as adults we had to make the decsistion(sp?) not the children.
This past Christmas when my step-son came it was a much better transition while he was here. Hopefully it will be the same this summer.
Good Luck

I don't like telling other people how to raise their children so I will just tell you how my husband and I handled our situation and maybe you will get something out of it that works for you and your husband.

When my husband and I got together the children were 3, 5 & 6. They lived with their mother. She didn't have rules or any real guidelines that the children had to follow at her house. They knew even if mom said no that they could keep bugging her or cry and they could do whatever they wanted because she would just give in. When they would visit us on weekends, holidays and summer break, they were treated as they always lived with us. They knew that they had to pick up after themselves, speak to us respectfully and when they were told no, it meant no. The mother told us that we were too strict and she wasn't going to raise her kids that way. She didn't want to be that kind of parent, she wanted to be a friend to her kids. By the time they were 11, 13 & 14 the mother told us that she wanted the children to live with us because they were out of control and she couldn't handle them anymore. The mother raised her voice to them when she was angry and once they got older that is the way they spoke to her when they were angry. My husband and I did not raise our voices. We simply explained the situation and the whys/why nots. When they moved in with us, we didn't have those problems with them because we were consistent in our household and they knew what was expected at Dad and M.'s house.

The thing we as parents often forget is that we are not just raising children we are raising PEOPLE who need help and guidance to become well rounded adults. If we are taught when we are young that we cannot have everything our way, it will be less of a slap in the face when we are hit with this reality as adults. I wish you all the best in your journey and will keep your family in my prayers!

She can't keep the kids from him. I see you have already been told that. As far as the kids go, ya'll have to get on the same page as bringing them up. They may not be married but they still have children to parent and this is not in their best interest. Have a sit down with the mother and lay out some dicipline rules and visitation rules. Now this will be hard but you are doing this for the children and not for your own comfort

H., I have raised step children, and let me say this. Everything concerning their care should have been settled long before the marriage. I am sorry to be so negative.

If you and your husband cannot work out a plan for handling the ex wife and the kids, your relationship will suffer, and may even go under.

You have my utmost sympathy and best wishes.

I agree with the other posters...your husband needs to get the situation under control and create a consistent routine with the boys. In the meantime, don't end up being the "wicked step-mother" (even if it is with love in your heart) because the last thing your hubby or the boys need is for them to start saying they don't want to visit you guys.

You didn't say how old they are, but keep in mind that a lot of boys between the ages of 5-7 are whiners...it is an age and stage thing.

Ok, that said, there are two other people you need to talk to. First, sit down with your husband and establish some of the more basic rules, ones you demand are followed to maintain order in the house...but still not what you would expect in a "perfect world." Remember that you are only their part-time mother and only have 1/3 of the influence over them, so make sure you and your daughter are setting good examples of good behavior. That brings me to the other person. You didn't say how old your daughter is but if she is 4 or older, it is important for you to have a talk with her, she may be confused or bitter about how "Dad" treats them. I don't mean complain to her about the boys, or riducule them in front of her, I mean explain to her that their behavior is not acceptable, but that under the circumstances, with them being tossed back and forth, that you guys need to be understanding about how hard things are for them. While Mother Dearest may seem like she is babying them, you never know how she really treats them behind closed doors. Sounds like they need some love, understanding and rules.

YOu and your husband will have to work out how you discipline the kids. Having them regularly is the most important thing and then it won't be a special circumstance that they are visiting. In my opinion what you have to work on here is having them regularly.

**I am editing this below I say You- the dad should be the one to do it**

YOu take the divorce papers to the County sheriff where the mom lives. You tell them that she denies the dad the children. They can escort you to the home to make sure she follows through. She has to follow that court document and if she doesn't that is a violation of the court just as if she was standing in the court room.

Also when the dad shows that he has upheld everything in the divorce papers and tried to see his children and can show records where he has had to have the deputy escort him to get his children on his days, if you do have to go back to court this will look a lot better than, "she told me no, so I didn't go"...I mean what must his children think if he allows her to not let him see the kids for 6 months? That is a long time in a child's life.

Once there is consistency on when the kids are at your house, it will be easier for them to understand what is expected at your home.

Good luck.

First of all since you have a court order she can not keep you from seeing the kids. Second you and your husband need to have a sit down and talk about how to treat the kids when they are there. He may not see your point just like you may not see his point because yall are yelling at each other in a heated talk. Let him know all your trying to do is keep everything from going crazy later on in life becasue it seems he is letting his children walk all over him. Let him know that your going to treat all the children the same.

I am in this same boat. I dont have custody of my oldest daughter and she runs all over me. I learned by my mistake and now I am having a hard time fixing it. She is now 12. She is now old enough to move in with me but I am having a hard time with it because she doesnt like when I displane her.

I know how that is. My husband and I are divorced, and both of us have the tendency to want to "spoil" -- or should I say not experience much crying or having to say no all the time. I really find that when we are very consistent and have a consistent routine, our son knows what to expect, doesn't question it, thus the need to "spoil" is eliminated.

In the realm of joint custody, if you have a court-ordered document that says you have joint custody, there is no reason under the sun why a consistent, weekly (or however they decided) schedule cannot take place. I would also ask why the ex-wife has such sole control over the situation. The dad should have it 50/50 if that's what they decided in court. As in, ex-wife is breaking a law that she established...

I am sorry to hear that, I know it is stressful and I wish you the best.