Need Advice!

Hi S.,
I personally disaggree with most all the advice you were given.
Your Fiance's sister is WRONG, you are the mom & there for your request should be honored. that simple.
Children are really to be our first priority & as you currently have to work that means spending as much time with your daughter as you can while she is with you.
I believe you should not ever make a child cry themselves to sleep - it teaches them that you don't care (even tho you do !) they feel abandoned ( forgotten, neglected, unloved ) & trust me I could always tell which child I cared for had that type of training - they had LOTS of behaivorial problems & were filled with disrespect for adults.

Children will eventually learn to go to sleep by themselves- all on their own. it may take 3 yrs but the "lessons" they learn are much better !!
My 2yr old started off sleeping with me, then moved to a crib next to my bed, then a crib in another room. We still hold her or sit next to her until she goes to sleep & personally there is nothing more precious than the look they give you just before falling asleep.

I am still a nanny so if you would like to discuss other options to your "Aunt". email me at : ____@____.com , my rates are very reasonable.

I have been a nanny for 16 yrs & now I'm a mom of my own sweet 2 yr old.

I don't think there is anything you can or will do that will change your soon-to-be sister in law's treatment of your daughter. It's kind of a risk we all take when we entrust the care of our infants to someone else. If you have a paid employee to watch your daughter in your home, you're better able to dictate what can and cannot happen . . . especially considering you can use nanny cams. But when you're using a day care or a family member chances are finances are a big concern and you cannot really tell them how they will care for your daughter and you can't really expect them to care for your daughter the way you do.

Way back when, I remember watching my sister's baby. My sister co-slept with her baby and then she started working the evening shift. I had absolutely NO intention of co-sleeping with an infant - I was terrified I'd squash her or knock her off the bed, etc. It just was NOT going to happen. But, my niece had never slept in her crib and shrieked bloody murder every night. (I had to be at work at 4 am and from work I went to college so I didn't get done until 9 pm and desperately needed to sleep on the nights I was babysitting.) I was HUGELY resentful of my sister and felt she was taking advantage of me by doing what was easy for her. I told her that I wouldn't be able to continue watching the baby unless she learned how to sleep in her crib. My sister needed the free sitter and had to support MY efforts or find someone else.)

It sounds like you're trying so hard to make certain your daughter is loved, cherish and well-cared for, but unless you can afford to quit your job or can hire someone who will do what you want, I think it is in the best interests of your daughter to support your sister in law's methods; otherwise your baby is going to continue to want to be held and cuddled throughout the day (which is COMPLETELY normal and reasonable for the baby AND you to want). But the simple fact is that your sister in law is NOT going to do this so if you have to continue to use this lady to care for your daughter you need to give your daughter a crash course in self-soothing so her time with her aunt is less traumatic.

I really wish I had a better solution because I carried and cuddled my little ones all the time, too. It would've broken my heart to let 'em cry without trying to comfort them!

Go with your gut Mommy instinct. It works better than any other decision making process and men don't typically understand it, but it works. If you don't trust her, find someone new that you do.

You don't say whether you are paying her, which could be significant as to you can expect without creating a row. You might consider using a tried and true communication technique, such as Non-Violent Communication, which teaches you how to focus on needs: yours, your caregiver's, and your baby's. You can check this out at http://www.earthlingcommunication.com/blog/the-nonviolent...

Finding reliable child care is one of the most confounding AND most important things you will have to do as a working mother. Your child will probably survive just about any kind of emotional stress and feeding system, but some will definitely be less desirable than others, and possibly harmful in ways that won't show up until later. Like you, I'd be seriously concerned if I heard my baby crying often in the care of someone else, and if she was eating anything my pediatrician thinks is inappropriate for her age.

If communication and an agreement on important issues is too much to ask of this aunt, you might need to search for another caretaker. Pay attention to your gut feelings; they could be important.

Transitions in home habits can sometimes be achieved more easily if you can break them down into small steps, such as starting with bringing her crib close to your bed and letting her get used to it with you near. It sounds like she must be sleeping pretty well if you want to make this change - if so, that should make the process easier.

I wish you well.

Is there someone else you can take her to as it sounds like you don't trust her aunt (for reason). You need to have knowledge of solids so you can identify allergies. There is also a recomended order for first foods. Perhaps you could provide what you want her to eat since her aunt insists on feeding her?
You can try putting her in her crib for naps first so you will have energy to deal with it. Make sure she is full and think about what you do to get her to sleep now. Swaddle and hold her to warm up her blanket, then put her down and stroke her nose to get her eyes to close. You may want to have a music of some sort and have an identical one at her aunts so she can have the familiarity.

Can you put her to sleep on lunch breaks? That may help the consistancy a bit.

I don't think wanting your baby is overeacting. Especially if you don't fully trust who she is with!

I love everyone's advice on dealing with family! I personally never did that because my grandfather always told me, you never mix family with business!

On the baby food, you can speak to your doctor, however, I started my children at age 2months on rice cereal and by the time they were 4 months they would eat anything that mushed. Doctors and the "media" have their own opinions, mine came from the two greatest mothers in the world...my mom and my mother-in-law. I figured they both raised 4 and 3 kiddos to be very healthy adults so....but that has to be YOUR decision! Not someone else's.

As for the crying, it's ok to let them cry for a little while. Esp if they aren't hungry or wet/dirty. It actually helps to build their lungs and keep them healthy. I know it hurts to hear, my husband had to physically hold me down the first time our oldest went to sleep on her own. I couldn't stand to hear her cry! But after 2 or 3 times, she learned it was time to sleep when mommy put her in her crib. Then she would just play and "talk" until she fell asleep. And yes, if you hold her every time she fusses, you and your sitter are going to have a hard life! Mom needs to have mommy time too. I did this with my third due to medical problems and regret it today even. He's now 4 and thinks he has to have mom's undivided attention. It's tough. Anyway, enough of my ranting. best of luck and talk to your sitter. Let her know that it truly bothers you and if you're able and willing, find another sitter that will follow your requests.

When I had my first son, he never slept. I thought I would loose my mind if I didn't get some sleep. by about 3 or 4 months his Ped said I needed to let him cry himself to sleep, and he should not be sleeping with me. Being a first time mom then I figured she knew best. So when it was bed/nap time I would put him down. He would scream constantly and every second of it broke my heart so I would go and get him after a couple of minutes and hold him for naps. The next time I went to his ped she said give your self 10 minutes. Then you know there is an end and you can go and get him, or maybe he will be asleep. So I did. He cried for 9 minutes and 59 seconds I swear. It was excruciating, but just as I got up to go get him, silence. He went to sleep on his own and took the longest nap he had ever taken. It was the most rewarding feeling ever. He did the 9 minutes of crying for a while, but pretty soon it was old hat. It's not easy to here your baby cry but sometimes it is necessary. If she went to day care, they would have to let him cry. The solid food is a whole other issue. You should probably approach that one directly. I am sure she loves your daughter so make sure that is how the conversation starts, with mutual love for her, and that is why she can't have solid food. It could be dangerous. I always said "I know I seem paranoid, but...." Who cares what they think as long as you keep your kids safe and loved, they can think you the most outrageous mom on the planet. I know everyone thinks I am. It's good that it hurts when she cries. That's why your her mother and why she is protected and loved.

"(Is there a way to do this without letting her cry herself to sleep)? " --- not really...

I know it's uncomfortable because of the relationship you have with you soon to be sister-in-law, but you are the mom, and she really needs to respect how you want you baby taken care of. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. First of all, as long as your baby is getting plenty of floor time to exercise her little body, I don't think it's possible to hold a 5 month old too much. She needs to know she is taken care of and that she is important. The No Cry Sleep Solution is a book that several people I know said worked for them in making the transition from parents bed to crib. I hope this is helpful. Good Luck.

You are the mother. If the person caring for your baby does not respect your wishes, within reason, which they seem to be, then you should not leave your baby with them.

I never found a way to get my son to sleep without doing the crying thing. I read a book and followed it. It worked, but it broke my heart to leave him to cry. It is worth it though, they need to learn to self-soothe and to go to sleep on their own. I tried other things, and this was the only way that worked for us.

But don't let other people tell you how to raise your child. In the end, you are the one responsible for that person, you must do what you think is right.