Our current nanny has been with us for almost 2 years. The kids love her, so that is the main reason this is difficult. However, we have had some issues happen recently that I would like to get other mother's opinions on. I should say though that there has always been communication issues with her from the start in terms of her taking my child and now children places without letting me know. I should have heeded the warning of the previous mother she nannied for telling me "I don't need my kids gone all day away from home not knowing where they are. "
I have told her I am ok with her taking them to classes, playdates, however, I've asked her on a number of occasions to let me know prior either by leaving a note or texting me. Some days she will do it, others she won't. I do work from home, so I am here all day, but do stay out of her way so she can have full control over the kids and I don't want to confuse them as well. So, recently, we took them to a nature center, my son knew exactly where he was, knew where all the things were to go see there, and told me who he went there with. She had mentioned this specific nature center to me about it 2 1/2 weeks prior, and I asked if she had ever taken the kids there and she said No. I said there is another one that is closer that I am more comfortable with you taking them to. So, after we went, she proceeded to ask me where we went over the weekend and I told her that we went to the nature center and that it seemed like my son had been there before. She claimed till she was blue in the face that she had not taken them there. Well, to make a long story short, I'm about 99% sure she is lying straight to my face, but didn't want to tell me since she already told me she had not taken them there. I told her that I don't care if they went there, just tell me, and she is like hmmm, no I have not taken them there, we talked about it with that other nanny, but I did not take them there. Also, a few weeks ago, she took off with my younger son while my older one was in class, didn't leave a note, didn't respond to my texts or phone calls until 30 minutes later. Why was I texting her/calling her? Because my mother's intuition went off and told me something was not right. That was the first time I had done that. In addition, another mother in the neighborhood told me she is constantly on her phone at the parks, either texting or talking. That is very difficult to do with 2 little boys who need to be watched every minute. In addition, if she is always on her phone, why didn't she respond to me that day? Good question, she responded 30 minutes later and said they were at a park and she didn't hear her phone ring. However, when I was having a conversation with her later that day, it was in her pocket and you could not miss it. I did have a specific conversation with her and told her never to text/be on the phone when driving the kids. I asked her to only to be on the phone while they are napping as I understand she may have personal things to take care of and feel that's an appropriate time for her to do that, unless of course it's an emergency that she needs to take a call. I think the phone thing has gotten better, but I am not there to see.
I am supposed to be working all day, but am thinking about my kids all day instead. I have had a number of discussions with her, I treat her with the utmost respect and discuss things with her, so I just cannot fathom how someone continues to do something that they know is not right. There are a lot of other issues that are minor that I have overlooked here and of course you have to overlook minor things. I have told her on a number of occasions, that the reason I hired her was because I have full trust that she will take good care of my kids and make the best decisions for them. I do want her to be part of the family, but feel like it's a lost cause. What would you do in terms of being lied to the face about where your kids have been? What are your overall thoughts?
You sound like a very patient person. If it were me I would tell her it would be too bad for her to lose a good job because she can't remember to send a short text.
I always say, we have intuition for a reason. Don't ignore it.
I personally would not be okay with this situation and would make a change.
I would fire her, because she was caught being dishonest. I would be worried if she could possibly kidnap my children.
You already know the answer. You can't trust her. And it is a BIG RED FLAG that she is always on her phone. An accident can happen in a split second while not watching children. You don't pay her to talk on her phone. She is not the same as YOU. Moms have to multi-task and that is one thing. Paying her to be your children's nanny is another.
Please replace her.
Dawn
You don't trust her.
That's all we really need to know. The rest of it is your reasoning, but the important factor is that you do not trust the woman taking care of your children.
You don't leave your kids with someone you don't trust. The end.
If you aren't comfortable with her and you are constantly worrying about your kids with her, it's time to get a new nanny. If you have to keep her until you find a new one, forbid her from taking them anywhere. You shouldn't have to worry about them as much as you are having to with this one. Good luck!
I never doubt my intuition, especially when it concerns my child. I think if you are feeling uneasy about this woman, you should let her go and find someone that you are more comfortable with. I would NEVER put up with a nanny who would take my child someplace without checking in w/ me first, and who would continue to do it after I asked her not to. Good luck!
I had a nanny for two years for my girls, and my intuition is telling you that if your nanny is lying to you, things are not good. Our nanny wasn't perfect, and we certainly had communication issues too... but you've asked for something perfectly reasonable. If she's incapable or unwilling to notify you where she's taking your children, she's someone you can not trust.
If I were in your situation, I would do a quiet search for another nanny. At the same time, I would sit down your current nanny and tell her that you are losing trust in her and that it is not optional that she tell you every single time she steps foot outside the house with your children. And, tell her as well that she is NOT to be on her phone or texting while caring for your children. If she can't abide by those two rules (maybe give her two weeks to see if she changes), start interviewing other nannies.
Your momma's intuition is going off and bottom line it seems like she isn't trustworthy anymore. You need to find someone else. I would start interviewing new nannies and then let her go. This is unacceptable and it does sound like she is lying right to your face. Your little ones safety is #1 and if she is talking at the park etc. all the time, then she shouldn't be watching your kids. Good luck!
Let's be very clear. While your children may love her and you may like her she is hired help and as such should comply with the wishes of her employer. If this had happened to me with one of my precious babies, there would be no doubt, certain, and swift termination. I'm particularly protective over my babies and if you can't comply with my wishes for my babies that fine but I have the final say.
So I would give her two weeks notice or terminate her immediately if you are in an at will state like NJ. Which means you don't need to offer an explanation. I may even terminate her services immediately but still pay her for two weeks but she would no longer have any contact with my children.
Yes the kids will be upset but at least you would know beyond a reasonable doubt they were safe and exactly where they were.
Again I don't like anyone messing with MY babies.
I just had this convo this morning with our nanny. This is the second time it's happened. The first was our fault - we didn't explicitly state she has to text/call. So we told her if there's an accident, we would have NO IDEA of where son is, or her, and that was unacceptable. She understood.
She complied and sent one of us a text each time, until yesterday.
So this morning I pulled out my phone and said I'm going to have to get it repaired, I think the texter is broke. (she looks at me dumbfounded). I mention that I know it's broke, b/c I didn't get her text about taking son out.
We can't fire our nanny due to our particular situation - she's only got a few weeks left - but in your situation, I'd start looking for a new nanny. Maybe after having a real serious heart to heart...maybe not.
I am COMPLETELY opposite of these mamas this morning!
I was a nanny for another family for 3 years. I loved that baby like my own. When I first started nanny-ing for them I stayed at their house for about a year. Any time I took them anywhere I would text and let them know. After about a year though I stopped texting. Not because I was trying to "steal the kids" or be devious, but because it wasn't necessary for either of us. The mother knew that I took the kids to parks, walks, bike rides, grocery stores, malls, indoor play areas, the pool, the lake, zoo, children's museums...and she trusted me. She knew that I would take care of her children like my own, that I wouldn't let them out of my site, that I cared about her kids and wanted what was best for them. She would come home and ask about our day and what we did and we would tell her. Sometimes I took pictures on my phone and sent them to her, sometimes we called her, sometimes we didn't. It NEVER was a big deal.
There were many times that I missed the phone calls that she made to me. Not because I am a bad nanny or because I was ignoring her, but because I had 5 kids (my two and her three) playing outside, screaming, laughing, reading, sleeping...any number of things. Unless the phone was strapped to my ear I wasn't going to hear it every time it rang. I would often pull my phone out and check to see if I missed a call and give her a ring back...but again...it didn't upset her.
When I dropped the older daughter off at practice I would take the younger with me. I don't understand why your nanny has to be at your other son's class? Wouldn't it be nice for the younger son to have some time to play while older son is at a class?
I don't understand why this is a "lost cause." You haven't given me enough info. She sounds like a nanny that wants to take your kids out and have a good time. Sounds like the kind of nanny that I was and I have a FABULOUS letter of recommendation from that mama and in fact still see the little girl because she loves her "mama yoya".
L.
We've had our nanny for 7 years and there are communication issues sometimes and annoyances but this is something I couldn't deal with. There's just no reason for it. I feel like someone told me once about a nanny who was always taking her kids on her personal errands all day and stuff like that. And mothers have always told me how attentive our nanny is at the park. I'm fine with a phone call once in awhile but not most of the time. So it sounds like she has too much other stuff going on and likely is taking them places that suit her needs. I'd even be ok if our nanny said - I really need to go to xzy store to pick-up abc for a party we're having this weekend. Can I take the kids there? But she must be doing stuff like that a lot and then not telling you is too dishonest. i know it stinks if the kids love her but either i'd let her go or tell her she can never take the kids again without telling you and if she does, that's it.
If you don't trust her, that should be the end of it. Why pay someone to watch your kids if you don't trust them with her?
That being said, I"m going to have to be the minority on this one. I obviously have no idea what other minor infractions lead to your concerns, but I don't know that you ever trusted her (and yes, I know it has to be earned).
I have no need to know where my kids are every single minute of the day. If they're spending the day with grandma/grandpa, I don't insist they call me and let me know where they're going, when, and what time they'll be back. I trust them to take care of my girls. I would hope to have that same sort of relationship with a nanny. Maybe she feels the same way...
I talk on the phone/to other people while I'm watching my kids at the park. I don't feel that it makes me negligent if I'm not standing right by their side while they're playing. And yes, when I'm outside with the kids I sometimes miss calls (even when the phone is in my pocket!) because I don't hear it ring. Like another poster suggested, maybe you should check up on her to make sure she's caring for your children they way you expect.
That being said, whatever your reasons are, what is important to you needs to be important to her. If you're willing to try and work things out, set up a time to talk with her about your concerns. Find out how she operates, figure out what's most important to both of you, and come to an acceptable agreement.
If you really feel like you absolutely can't trust her, then start looking for a new nanny who WILL do the things you ask her to do. :)
She should not take your kids or step out of the house without you knowing......period................trust your instints and please find a new nanny.
I have given clear instructions to my nanny on exactly what classes, activities I need for her to take my LO to...that is not at her discretion....I lay out the schedule for them and then even will randomly check to make sure she is leaving home and back in a timely manner.........the only place the nanny takes the LO without asking for permission is the neighborhood play area which is less than a block away and even then on days too hot or too cold I specifically tell her not too.......
Just like Dawn mentioned below.....we pay the nanny to watch our child - this is her job - just like I wouldn't be on my phone at my work, I expect her to have good work ethic...
Althought I understand the idea of not wanting to confuse the kids, not wanting to undermine the nanny etc. while you are working at home, I don't see why you should ever not know where she is going with them and when. It seems she gets to set their schedule during the day in terms of taking them at her discretion to parks, playdates, classes and much more. Why can't you and she together set a schedule for each day, either on a daily or weekly basis? Classes follow a set schedule, so that one should be easy; as for outings, she needs to tell you what time she is departing and where they are bound, and since you clearly do not trust her, establish that if she does not call you within X minutes of departure (namely, at the time she should have arrived), you will call her; if she does not pick up, you will be calling again Y minutes later; if she does not then pick up, you are leaving home and coming to where they are SUPPOSED to be to get your children and bring them home. And so on. She seems to rule the kids' days but I think you and she need a very firm schedule and a call-in procedure that is set in stone.
Next time she is at the playground, leave home, and swing by and frankly spy on her. See if she is on the phone. I say this because if your kids were iin a day care, you would be willing to drop iin unannounced at the day care to see what was going on, wouldn't you? So why not drop in on her at the playground and see if she's on the phone as others say?
All this of course is really moot if you plan to fire her. And with what your gut is saying -- listen to your gut, not your kids' protestations of love for nanny -- and with all the things you have added up here, I really would question whether this woman is the right nanny for you. If you do think you need to keep her, I'd take a much firmer hand with the kids' schedule. If she balks and is resistant to the idea of your knowing where they are going, when they are leaving, and when they will be back -- her balkiness should be a definite indication that it's time to fire her. She is an employee, not a friend. Please stop wanting her to be "part of the family" as you put it; a nanny is a paid worker and this one is not reporting to you how she spends her time.
And your kids may love her, but kids tend to love whoever is their primary caregiver for big chunks of time; they don't understand the bigger picture. They will get over it.
I have "O" tolerance for lying!!! No questions asked. These are your kids, and you have every right to know where they are while you are working. Sounds like to me she is meeting some one while she is watching your kids, and not paying attention to what she is being paid for. It only takes a split second for your whole world to be gone! Your kids are your life, don't let her take that from you, you are the boss! If she has other issues, then maybe it is time to look for another sitter. I would not tolerate her taking my kids without my knowing where they are, even if you are at home working, she is taking advantage of you, and she knows it, she is working you to her advantage. Why would you not tell the Mother where her kids are, unless you have some thing to hide, or hide some one! Ask your kids if she is seeing a person while they are at the park or zoo, will give a lot of unanswered questions. UNEXCEPTABLE!!!!!
Having a nanny, I had to get comfortable with the idea of having someone else in my house all day long without me, eating my food, etc. I have to overlook some things as just not everyone has the same radar that I have, like soap dripping down the side of the laundry detergent bottle. (I just don't see why that is necessary.) I try to be pretty relaxed, but my nanny knows that I am just very particular about certain things. I like the fact that she is just as particular when it comes to her own children--so she gets it and encourages the communication between us--but I have to remind her that I don't need her to advise me on caring for my child--lol. (She does laugh about that once she realizes how she sounds.) Maybe things will get more complicated once baby gets older, but for now, she does not take him anywhere but out for a walk. We don't let other people drive him around. (Maybe my mother sometimes.)
I think that in your case, you should certainly tell her that your son knew the place like the back of his hand because he'd been there. I wonder if she is just so comfortable in her caring for them--like they're hers--that it doesn't occur to her sometimes that when your two judgments don't line up, then yours tops hers. She thinks that it's no big deal because you know that she loves them and would not let anything happen to them, so why should she have to check in and interrupt your day? Maybe it feels disruptive to her to have to check in like that. Now that she's been caught, what's the big deal? I'm not offering an excuse, just insight to her perspective. I used to ask my nanny to call me in the evenings on days that my husband relieves her, so we can touch base. Sometimes I'm sure that it was the furthest thing from her mind as she was trying to get home to her own kids. (She would get on the phone with them on her way out the door.) As I was getting annoyed, I thought about it. We have a calendar that she chronicles his food and drink and poops on. When he falls, she tells me. When he does something new or especially funny, she tells me. We leave each other notes. We send texts. Why in the world should I demand that she call me for a rundown on the occasional day that we don't talk? I don't want to be micro-managed on my job, so I can't do that to her.
If you are willing to give her one more chance, then you should certainly sit together and put EVERYTHING on the table. Instead of just telling not to do this or that, offer her some logic behind your requests/demands. "I want to know where my babies are AT ALL TIMES in case of emergency. It doesn't have to make sense to you; this is important to me, so I'm gonna need you to let me know from now on." Stress to her the things that are most important to you and the things that are just preferences. It's important that she feel some flexibility. And keep in mind that everyone won't have or understand your radar.
If I only learned one thing from watching Oprah over the years it's that your conscience or little voice in your head telling you something is not right - is God talking to you. Listen and heed - she's not listening to you and most likely putting your child/ren in danger. Time to look for a new Nanny or day-care.
I think that if you are going to employ someone you have to be very specific about their job expectations. I mean the same would be true if you were going to work at about anywhere else. This being said, I can't say that I know how you and your nanny started your current situation. For me, I nanny and I knew exactly what was expected of me upfront. I only take the kids somewhere if it's been pre approved as far as a vehicle is concerned. However, should I decide to go for a run with the kids and run to the library or the park I don't have to pre approve this. If it's in a car then I do. We went in the car one time to the museum and stopped at the fabric store beforehand to get some material b/c the little girl asked me to make her a blanket. That wasn't pre apporved, but it wasn't a big deal. Naturally we showed her mom the fabric and now the girl has the blanket.
So, I guess what I am saying is perhaps the nanny does not know that she is doing something that is upsetting you. Perhaps it is just a miscommunication. Perhaps she doesn't realize and was thrown for a loop and freaked out when you confronted her about the nature center. That was a rather passive aggressive way to ask. You have to give her props that she is taking the kids to fun, kid friendly places. I mean I think she is trying and different people have different personalities. I've nannied for different people and some are very over the top and want me to write down every bite they take and every diaper, nap etc. Other people's only direction is basically keep them alive until I come back.
Sit down with her and clearly explain what you expect. Perhaps and contract would be good. Writing can't be disputed. I wouldn't jump to fire her. Good help is so hard to find and if the problem can be mended then you should try to mend it. The boys love her and she must like them to take them on these adventures.
you are obviously not comfortable anymore, so find a new person.
It's that simple. Really.
When I was a nanny (decades ago) I had free reign to take the kids anywhere I wanted, this was long before cell phones and I didn't check in ever or leave a message usually, but the parents were ok with that and knew they could trust me cause I had done weekend babysitting for them for a year before I did school break nannying. (how do you spell that?) I have to say that if you find the right match you will all be in heaven. I STILL do things with that family - we have Thanksgiving dinners together, I have gone to the oldest son's wedding, and consider them like family. I started watching them in 1987!
So, find the right match, it shouldn't be a battle, it should be like a family member.
Is she crazy?! I'd be SO happy to have a nanny that didn't keep my kids in the house all day, alls she has to do is tell you?? Something seems off here... if it is as you say and you're polite and you really don't mind her taking the kids out of the house then she has some mental issues going on... that sounds so strange!! I'd giver her a written warning.. just as a courtesy so she knows how serious you are, if she does it again then she's fired.. maybe give her the chance to see how serious it is. I know that I hate confrontation and sometimes I'm too nice and I don't get the point across.
As a mom who has been a daycare teacher (in a non-profit Christian daycare) and then a 1 day a week nanny when my kids were in jr high and hi school - you need to be able to trust your nanny and know where she is at all times. She should be able to give you an agenda for the day - where they are going - what parks, what nature centers, etc. She is your employee taking care of your most precious children.
If you aren't ready to let her go, then have a friend stop by and watch her in "action" at the local park.
As a former nanny, I can say, it's a tough job. It's nice that she is taking them places and doing fun things with them. On the other hand, as a mother, I say, if you don't trust her 100%, sit her down, talk to her, and give her ONE more chance. If she acts like this again, find a new nanny. You need to be able to trust your care provider with your precious kids.
I would start looking for a new nanny. We had a nanny and we stressed how important it was that we knew exactly where she was taking my son if they were ever leaving the house (walk to the park, drive somewhere local, etc). She knew this was extremely important to us so we knew ahead of time if she was taking my son somewhere and for how long. We also kept a journal on the kitchen table and she would write out what they did and how he behaved each day.
I would be concerned if she is texting/on the phone while watching 2 boys at the park (pending age of course). You have already addressed your concerns with her and if things don't change they won't. Also, if she lied to you, then that is an even bigger red flag.
Wouldn't hurt to get some feelers out there for a new nanny.
Good luck!
Ok. I used to be a nanny, 20 years ago. Let me tell you now, as a mother myself, I would let her go. There a plenty of qualified people out there, in need of a job. I wouldn't even think twice about it. I never went anywhere with other people's children, unless asked of me or I let them know in advance. Now as the mom, I would want the same thing. You have given her enough chances, it's time to look for someone who will respect you as the parent.
When I was a nanny I told the mom that I was going to be taking the kids places and was that okay. She asked me if I had ever had a ticket, wrecks, driving issues, and I said no. She could have checked too I am sure. She told me to consider myself their surrogate mother and anywhere I would take my kids was okay with her. It took a lot of the stress off me and her. She knew I was responsible and that I was taking care of the kids as if they were my own.
I think either you trust her to use good judgement or you don't. Either way, you need to do something, either let it go or tell her goodbye.
If your intuition is telling you that something is off, then something is off. Especially when it comes to your children. It sounds like you are giving her respect, but she is not giving you respect. You are her boss, you have every right to make the rules and she needs to abide by your rules. I would think about finding other nannies to have as back-up, and slowly start weeding her out. It's almost as though she knows you need her, and she is taking advantage of you. These are your children, and you have to take control. I would say that you are trying to be on a budget and cut some of her hours while you try new people out. Then maybe she'll get the hint that she can't do what she wants when she wants without the consequence of maybe losing her job.
