My Toddler Prefers My Nanny - Too Late for Attachment Parenting????

It has nothing to do with bonding after birth. He just doesnt see you enough now. He doesnt even remember who was there and wasnt the first week or 2 or even 3 weeks of birth. Relax he can sense your stress instead maybe you can take a day off and take him to the zoo and spend some time with him. Make sure your cooking dinner for him and feeding him dinner make sure he sees you in the morning. I know you have to work to provide for him but Is it possible the nanny can bring him to have lunch with you once in a while. She can drop him off and you can take him to McDonalds. Make sure your nanny is being excited with him when you are coming home from work, and speaks about you positive and exciting during the day. Have your nanny let your son call you during the day just so he can hear your voice. Your nanny needs to help you keep your relationship strong by making all these efforts. She sounds like a lovely nannny and be greatful for her dont sleep with him but establish a bed time that is special to the two of you maybe read his favorite book or tickle his back whatever works for you. Sleeping with you is more for you than him. Try not to feel guilty and if you can get your nanny to cooperate with the suggestions maybe it can help. Good Luck!

You ARE mommy! This time will pass. Embrace your blessings of this great nanny; your child will out-grow this as they grow. You will be the security blanket for school, sports, music, and as I am mommy - I am my Airforce baby's best-friend now, as I raised him not as a friend, but mommy, even though he's married! He ALWAYS runs to mom for security!

i don't think suddenly starting to sleep with him would be a good answer. i think a much better answer is just to spend good quality time with him. right now my 4 yr old is going thru a stage that he wants his pre school teacher all the time, not just 3 days a week. it's a phase/stage and it will pass!

Don't take this too seriously. If you have a wonderful nanny, you should embrace it. Be happy your child loves her and wants to go to her. This will change as he gets older. Pretend she is the daddy. I had live in help when my kids were little and I was grateful when they embraced them. This is just guilt bothering you because you can't be with him. You have to get over this because you are a single Mom and you have to work. Children can love more than one person just like a mother can love more than one child. This will pass.

Children always prefer the "Fun" parent, friend, caregiver rather that the one laying down the rules and structure. This too shall pass and she will not want to leave your side. My 3 year old is super independent but, still needs love from just mom sometimes.

Spend all the time you can with him. Kids care more about quantity than quality. Routines are what toddlers love. The same story over and over. Sitting on your lap while you put on your make-up. Get rid of anything that distracts your boy while you are together. If you can change your work schedule to cut down travel time and work while he is asleep that is best. Be sure that you focus on him not your own interests. I read to all my kids every night when they were young and now my teen agers still love to be read to. you are setting patterns now that you will need to draw on when they become difficult teens. So find daily small activities you both enjoy and make the not so fun activities we all have to do better by doing them together--Laughing and singing. Good luck-- Have Fun!

S., this too will pass. I'm the grandma/nanny for my grandson. Before I started caring for him, I warned my daughter-in-law that there may be times that he will come to me before her. That's soooo hard for you I know. I also told her that if a child is not that attached to the caregiver then she should worry. Do not co-sleep. Get up 15 minutes earlier, so that you can get ready early and spend some quality time with him before you leave. Let the housework go a little. Being a single mom is the hardest. For the next year, as you know, you will be exhausted but limit his TV and play with him. Make bath time fun, then lots of hugs and storytime before bed. You will see, when he is hurt and you are there, he will want to go to you. May God bless you with strength and a discerning heart.

We don't grow up knowing how to play with kids - or atleast I didn't. It's only been through years of experience, reading and working in schools that I have a streak of creativity. I'm starting a Daylist showing my son and his wife what we do in playtime. It's just starting but I'd be happy to send it to you if you like. Also, watch the nanny to see how she interacts. I'm a grandma and am still learning.

I can only reiterate what almost everyone said! You should embrace this and thank God you have a wonderful nanny!
my daughter did the same exact thing with her favorite 'nana' who we are going to visit in Mexico this summer! It didnt bother me at all. I know who is mom and your son does too.
PS: I once hired a not so good nanny and your child running to you the moment you come home is a sure sign that all is NOT well! So rather than worrying, please revel in God's provision of a great nanny!

Hugs to you!

--
Blessings on you and yours!
www.nannyharmony.com - Building Relationships, Establishing excellence and satisfaction in Care and Cleaning!!!

My suggestion, at this point, would be to get in as much QUALITY time as possible. Take him to parks, to eat ice cream... read books. Anything that interests him. Sit and talk with him, listen to all his conversation, play his imaginery friend games - do what you can to make him see he is your friend. Even spoil him at some points. Once you "get your foot in the door" be careful to stoll spend all time possible, but make sure you're still able to say "no" to him, and that he'll still listen.

We play games, read books, and act silly all the time... my daughter and I, we talk about as much as we can. I take care to do this as much as possible b/c she is in a split family situation, and I worry that when she goes through her teenage years I'll be the frist one she cuts out... I'm hoping to build a strong bond for more than that... but that's one reason I do what I've suggested to you. It seems to work really well with her.

your son is 20 months old... it's not the end of the world if he's showing favoritism towards his nanny.

My son didn't sleep in with me at the hospital and I had to put him in inhome day care at 7 weeks. He was SO LOVED by his providers and there were times when he wouldn't want to leave their arms when it was pick up time. It's NORMAL!

It's not a good idea to sleep with him just to create a bond you think is missing. It's not missing, he's just trying new things! My son goes through periods where he only wants my husband, which I think is GREAT! And when my parents are in town, we are practically invisible. Again, I think this is GREAT! My son knows he has lots of people who love him, not just me.

I am 'the mommy' and I am secure in my role to know that NO ONE can trump me. At the same time, I'm not going to get upset that he's showing more attention to someone else because that's him showing his independence. You don't want to raise a child who can't operate outside their mother.

Anyone who sees my son and I together can instantly tell we are VERY bonded. We have special things that only we do, we have a special song, etc. At the same time, he has times when I'm not what he wants. And that's FINE.

I think you're being too hard on yourself and beating yourself up over a period that is completely normal. The older your son gets, the more people he will have in his life to love and he will want to show them attention. Be secure in your role as mom and know that you are raising a very loving child for him to want to share himself with so many people.

Good luck!

Find out from the nannies what his favorite activities are and every chance you get, try to do them with him. I was in the exact situation your in. I worked with the nanny and she sarted a game with my son and I would play to and slowly she would back out and it would just be me and him. Take time set a regular activity for you and him, like every payday I would take my son out to eat where ever he wanted and then to the park, I didn't watch him play I played with him. It takes time but he will warm to you, you need to work on finding out what he likes and what he wants. These are key things to building a relationship with any child. WHAT EVER YOU DO DON'T GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S.,

You are the only mommy your little boy has...you will always be his #1 favorite person in the world...even if he doesn't always show it!

I think sleeping with your little boy would do you both some good. You would have that extra time together that it sounds like you both need. If you're worried about him falling out of the bed, maybe install some bed rails. We used the over-sized rails from One Step Ahead...they're great! I actually have them on both sides of the bed. They're a little more expensive...but worth it. Just make sure he's safe, follow the directions and enjoy co-sleeping.

I remember a very sad day for me one time when I picked up my DD at daycare. The daycare worker told me that my DD was crawling around the room following her every move, crying, all day. I had been so exhausted from working FT, being up multiple times every night with her since she had been born, and just never getting a break...and I hadn't played much with her for the previous two or three days. We came home, had dinner, then it was bathtime and bedtime. She was craving some real interaction and was trying to get it from the daycare worker that day. I felt terrible! I made a point after that to get on the living room floor and play with her after work, no matter how tired I was! She was my happy little girl again right away!

Being a parent is the toughtest job ever, so try really hard and give yourself some much needed credit for all you do. Working FT and doing it on your own makes it that much harder. You're doing a great job! Have some fun with your boy...and see if sleeping together works out for you, too!

Wow... it sounds like you need a vacation! I applaud you for making this work on your own -- because it is HARD to be a single parent.

And here is what you need to remember: No matter how much your son loves other people in his life -- no-one else will ever be Mommy. Even if you were seperated for three days at birth, you still carried him for nine months and then breastfed him for months afterwards. You are Mommy and you always will be.

I have noticed that my daughter has had times her whole life where she will want to express her frustration only to me. She will be happy and cheerful with everyone else, and then she will melt down only with me.

So, relax, drink a cup of tea or coffee or go work out or whatever you need to do to make yourself feel good -- but know that you will ALWAYS be Mommy. If your toddler likes playing with his nanny right now -- that is great! He will enjoy you again when he's out of this phase. In the meantime, just work with it, and maybe spend some more time playing with him and the nanny if you can do that.

Dear S.,

First off, being separated for the first few days happens to many many babies with issues at birth, and the bonding that simply nursing creates is pricesless. Second of all, my daughter has had a nanny since she was three months old just up until recently when I quit my job and became a stay at home mom. She's now almost 3. She absolutely loved her last nanny Miss Alyse, and would tell me all the time how much she loved her and how Miss Alyse does it...
It would get to me sometimes, but don't forget that NOTHING replaces mommy, NOTHING!!! Not even dad. And it sounds like you are doing the very best you can with what you have- meaning your situation of leaving your relationship and deciding on giving your child a nanny instead of day care. I don't want anyone else on this site to feel the least bit offended or bad for taking their children to day care, (I was a day care baby myself) but I truly think you made a very good decision taking a nanny instead of daycare when your child was so young. Please don't worry about the attachment to the nanny and thank God that your child feels loved and comforted, as well as safe and taken care of by your nanny. There are so many people out there that would give anything to find a nanny that their child loved so much. I was a nanny once in my life and one thing I always did was tell the children all the time how much their parents loved and missed them, but that they had to be at work to provide for all the things they needed. We would look at pictures of mommy and daddy and talk about the fun things they did with them on the weekends or on their holidays/vacations. Maybe you could share some of your feelings with your nanny and ask her to do the same. I also engaged in activities like drawing pictures for mommy for when she returned or doing something that would be a nice surprise for her when she got home. Please don't feel like you need to start co-sleeping, I did that for 10 months of my daughters life and it was one of the hardest habits to break, so don't go backwards at this point. You know the saying that it's QUALITY time that matters the most. Make sure that you carve out some time on the weekend or whenever you do have time to just "be" with your child and make that time high quality. Aside from the above mentioned unsolicited advice :) I would say you are doing the best you can for your child and you sound like a very loving mother being so concerned about your bond. Give yourself a break and make the moments you have with your son memories that will last a lifetime. He won't even remember your nanny when he's 3. I promise :)

Take care,

S.

S.,

It is not too late, but it is important to seize this time and really build those bonds. I know how you feel about those first days of life - my second daughter was a premie and in NICU. I couldn't hold her much and had to split my time between her and my 3 year old daughter at home. I think sometimes there can be a lack of attachment, but I really think that happens more at this critical stage (20 months) than at birth. So, you're smart to be aware of this issue and to look for ways to build that bond! You have a natural advantage over the nannies - you are his mom. I would just say focus on two things: spending lots of fun play times and "loving on him" times, but don't forego discipline. Not punishment, not meanness, but gentle, firm correction and reproof as you teach him the behaviors and manners you want him to have. Maybe decide on three things to begin with: coming to you when you call him, sitting/playing in one place, and staying down for a nap during the weekends. Start training him to do those things, have a consequence ready if he doesn't mind, and you are teaching him obedience and self-control. He is also learning to respect you. These things build love and trust as much as just spending as much time as possible with him.

He is also getting old enough that you might consider a preschool/Mother's Day Out program twice a week. That will break up his routine of being with one adult during the day, and it will give him some great social interaction and new games, etc, to learn from others. Many churches have good MDO programs, and some of the churches and private schools begin preschool as early as 2 or 3 years old.

Good luck to you! Being a single parent has to be so challenging, and I admire you for being so in tune with your baby boy and loving him so much. You'll make it work! God bless.

i would talk to the nanny and let them know how you feel. maybe they are letting themselves get too close. i would let the nanny know and maybe ask her if she could show the child pictures of you and ask him to draw pics of mommy and him. talk more about mommy to him and show him pics of mommy when they talk about you. i wouldnt worry. i know that it would be very hard. i am a stay at home mom adn i couldnt imagine having my child want another women over me. but the good thing about it is that your child has someone who he can trust watching him. sometimes thats the best. if you cant be thier because of work wouldnt you want someone thier to treat him the way that you would. this way he feels safe and loved. i would really talk to the nanny and let her know how you feel though. maybe you too can work together and find a way to make you feel better. have you ever considered your nanny meeting you for lunch that way you can see your son everyday or at least a couple times throughout the week besides morning and when you get home. its hard to give some help when you really are not in that persons shoes. i hope that you do feel better. adn on the having him sleep with you. my son is 21 months old and he sleeps with us everynight still. haha. but i love it. we pile pillows on the edge of the bed so he wont fall off. maybe that will work for you. when my son was born he was in the hospital for 10 days and i only got to see him when i went to feed. him. he had to stay in the nursery the whole time. i was so scared that i would lose that bond but i know now that they know who their mommy is. and i am sure that the nanny does a lot of fun things with him so of course he will love her. but you are his cuddle adn make me feel better person. and that is the best. because you will always be the one who can make it all better.