My Toddler Has Anger Problems

Hi J.,

I only have one suggestion, and that if for the stairs dillema. Take the time to help him go up and down, up and down til he's comfortable doing it all himself. Put pillows or quilts at the bottom of the stairs "just in case". Both my boys mastered the stairs, up and down, by 11 months old, and it was such a relief to not have to worry about them or use gates all the time. Hopefully that'll provide less frustration and more relief for both of you. Good luck!

Teach your son to crawl up the stairs, and go backwards down the stairs. When he's mastered that, have him slide down on his tummy. Put the gate halfway up the stairway and let him practice and feel good about himself.
If he insists on having temper tantrums, put him in his room until he is done. Not working? Lay down on the ground with him and have the best,loudest tantrum you ever had, kicking, screaming, pounding your fists, etc. The shock will stop him cold. My son had his first tantrum at 2, and my tantrum ended his. When he's happy, suggest that together you have one, and laugh about it. Then it's not needed when he angry. Sorry on this next one, folks. If he slaps you, gently slap him back. Just telling him it hurts doesn't let him know what "hurt" means. Hot isn't hot until you feel it. When you get his attention with a slap (more a sharp tap, really) tell him it hurts Mommy like he just felt and makes her sad. Just gently saying it hurts means nothing to a toddler. If he hits a toy, take it away. If he bites, bite him back. Just have yourself under control so you don't do damage.
One last thought about punishment and discipline:
Punishment is what YOU do when you are angry and lashing out. Discipline is what gets done to a child to help him/her understand what needs to be changed.
Hope this helps.

Hi, I agree with a lot of the moms before me, cut back on some of the No's, let him go up and down the stairs with you, it may take a while to get up and down but that is OK, if you make the stairs less forbidden his fascination(sp) with them will dwindle, 2 years old is all about independence, and it can be a very scary time for us moms, but if I have learned nothing with all my kids, I have learned that they need to fall down on occasion and we need to be there to pick them up, kiss it away and have them try again, that is our gift to them, they are going to fall down sometimes in life but if we teach them to keep trying and not give up, even if it hurts, we have given them a great gift for the future.

I posted a different way to deal with punishment with Kimberley, Take a look and see if that might work in your situation, The glaring at you is even normal, ignoring it is best, you could say some thing like "oh I don't like that look" and walk away, if he thows a temper tantrum ignore it give it no acknowledgement, unless it turns really bad as they sometimes can and then apply whatever form of punishment you choose. And don't let his sobbing get to you, that is what he is hoping for, us moms and dads need "balls of steel" when it come to that, they know how to manipulate us, they find our weekness's early and use it against us, so hold strong and firm and know you are doing it for him, and your future sanity. Good luck you are doing a good job, just cut back on the no's and let him try his feet at his indepence.

Hi J.,

Wow, it's so difficult to deal with a toddler's fits. It's hard when they are that young, because they lack the skills to express themselves verbally. All you can really do is be consistent in how you handle his fits, and keep stressing that hitting, kicking etc. are not ok. I know kids and stairs are scary, but he really needs to explore his new environment so he can become familiar and comfortable with it. Is there a railing on the stairs that you can teach him to hold onto? Maybe you can set aside "stair" time, when he can go up and down them with you close by, stress to him how to hold onto the wall or railing, and maybe teach him how to "crawl" up the stairs and "slide" down(one step at a time) on his bottom. Make it a follow the leader game "can you go up the stairs like Mommy is"

Just remember to be patient, you will both need time to adjust to your new home. He will pick up on your stress and anger, so try to be calm. Let him "help" decorate his room(should we put your toy box here, and this shelf there?") This will help it feel more like his space. Make sure you get into a routine in your new home A.S.A.P., this will help him to feel secure, remember that change is even more stressful for kids than it is for adults! Also, try to set aside time for the two of you to have fun in your new home, paint pictures for the walls, make cookies together, have an indoor picnic, etc.
Remember, this will pass, but consistency is the key to good parenting, no matter how old they are! Good luck, and enjoy your new home!

S.

This is when the big test begins!!!! You have to be very careful of your reactions to his actions. Try to ignore most of the behavior. When he glares at you, just look away and seem happy like it doesn't affect you. If he throws a fit, walk away(as long as he can't get hurt). He is becoming self aware and is trying to use his toddler powers against you :) The hitting and throwing need punishment though. Timeouts might work, but you have to make him stay there. If the thing thrown was his, then just take it away. Don't let bad behavior slide because you feel that this is a hard or confusing time for him.

Jody,
I hate to say you are entering the terrible two's. My son will be 7 tomorrow- and we are going through it again. Some days I just don't think I can take it anymore. BUT, I took the Common Sense parenting class at Boys town. I am learning to "rationalize" with him. If you would do this- then it's more likely you will get to do that" Your son is at a point where he is going to test every boundary imaginable, and push lots of your buttons. Let him walk down the stairs next to you, on his own. Let him help you do things like cook dinner, stir the eggs, feed the cat, whatever it is he may want to help you with. My son seems very angry at times too- I think this morning was "I hate you when you treat me this way", then he threw himself on the couch and cried- all I did was ask him to get his shoes on so we could leave for school. Another suggestion is getting him to bed a little earlier- andrew is always more cranky when he doesn't get enough good sleep- even though everything suggests 10 hours for him- mine needs at least 12 to be really cooperative. Being a single parent is tough- I am doing the same thing. email if you need a shoulder at any time. S.

My daughter glares too. She calls it "her mean face". It's hard to tell you to do things you are probably already doing like having patience and staying calm! Make him sit in quiet time, I think almost two is a good age to start showing them there are consequences to bad moments and privledges start getting taken way. No going to the park or doing any fun things. And cross your fingers!
Take care!
Let us know how it goes - you are not alone!

Okay, I have 3 boys...6, 3 and 5 months...I understand completely what you are talking about. You are probably right that he is dealing with you moving and he doesn't have full control in the new spot, since he can't use the stairs. In a little guys world these are both huge. He is 2 with no dad and I promise you have to get ahold of his temper right now. Everyone says terrible 2's...they lie! I have been through it 2 times and 3 is much worse than 2. If you do not take control now, you will really lose it next year. First off with the stairs, put a rug underneath them and let him explore. At first with you there watching and helping, but then let him do it on his own a bit. He is old enough and big enough and the faster he learns the better for you! I have 2 sets of stairs and by 2 both my boys could master them, one step at a time and holding on to the wall. About the tantrums, you need to find something that makes him just as mad, that is a punishment and make sure you do it everytime he gives you attitude. I put my 3 year old in the corner if he starts to throw a fit and he hates it. I make him stay there as a good boy for 3 minutes because he is 3 and if he throws another fit in the corner, I start the time over. He hates it and it was very hard at first, but now if he goes in the corner, I don't have to put him there again for a couple of weeks, most of the time! You have to stay calm and definitly don't let him know how mad you are, and be a great role model! If you nip this now, maybe at 3 you wont have such a hard time!! good Luck!

Hi J., We have 4 kids ages 9-21. Our oldest is a son, who has turned into a kind, gentle loving young man. "Terrible Twos" started by 18 months. They are so curious and independent, yet frustrated and angry by all that they can't do on their own. As much as possible, stay calm and remember that he just doesn't have the maturity YET for good impulse control, but keep encouraging it so that he's not the wild kid in kindergarten!

By that age our children went up and down the stairs on their own; the only reason to have a gate is for those times when you need him to stay downstairs or upstairs with you. He doesn't want to fall any more than you want him to fall. Kids that age are SO physical -- they need to climb, run and jump off things. Safety is important, but it's also important for him to feel competent and independent. Praise him when for being a good listener when he obeys you, and deny a small privilege when he does not. I found Early Childhood Education/Parenting classes to be helpful, and this wonderful book, which will really help you remain positive and see the good in your child:

Amazon.com: Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose ...
by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (Author) "Welcome to Raising Your Spirited Child ..... This is the most positive childrearing book I've ever read., October 31, 1996 ...

Hi, J.. It sounds like you're really trying to be positive with him in this transition period. I think that's the main thing, to try to make things as positive as possible. Perhaps if the gates aren't safe, it might be worth investing in safer gates so you really don't have to worry about him near the stairs. It really helps if you can remove as many "no's" from his environment as possible so you don't have to say no to him, so he hears "yes" more often. Of course he needs to learn there are things he should stay away from, but he has plenty of time to learn that when he is able to understand more about what dangers really mean.

A suggestion about his fits of anger, and I just posted this to Kimberly about her frustrations with her son. You might want to look at the kinds of foods he's eating, even though you might not think there's a connection between food and behavior. For example, stuff with red and yellow dyes has been shown to increase tantrums and anger and hyperactivity in kids. A friend of mind had firsthand proof of this when she removed these items from her young daughter's diet. It might at least be worth a try for a while to see if there is any difference in your son's demeanor. Here is my friend's experience (I posted this story in a response to someone else's recent situation, and I'll post it here, too):

"About a week ago, shortly after asking your advice, we decided to take red and yellow dye out of Lily's diet. It has helped so much, but I wasn't positive of how much until last night.

Yesterday we had a treasure hunt and for the treasure I had absentmindedly picked up a candy necklace (I know, bad mom!). I realized it as we unwrapped it and we made the mistake of saying "well, we can't take it away from her now". Stupid! Stupid!

Last nigher her temperament was awful. She got upset because I gave her a small piece of bagel and not the whole bagel. She threw the small piece across the room and started to yell violently at me, then clench her fists and finally, began hitting me.

I calmed her by telling her that the red dye was making her sick (we discussed this before taking it out of her diet and told her that the red dye was making her sick in order for her to relate well).

This morning she has been angry too. I tried to give her pretzels and after appearing to initially accept them, vigorously pushed them away saying she didn't want them. So, I told her that we would let Stella have them. Lilly then grabbed the bowl, grabbed a couple of pretzels and stomped off. All with the anger radiating through. I took the pretzels away and swatted her bottom (no flaming please). That threw her into a rage (swatting her bottom does not usually put her into a rage, just so you know). A minute or so later I went into the living room where she had gone. She proceeded to yell at and hit me.

I held her close and calmed her down again by letting her know that the red dye was making her sick.

It is really amazing to me how just a very small amount of red and yellow dye can have such a profound effect.

I will let you all know how the acupuncture visit goes next week. Thanks for the support. It appears we have found the culprit."

Peace and best wishes,
K.

http://www.loveandlogic.com/
http://www.gfi.org/

Both links above offer many suggestions. One is spiritually based parenting and one is psychologically based parenting.

You sound like a great mom who loves your son very much. You just need some tools. Read through these two sites for some suggestions. Trust your gut, and pick a few things to try that fit your parenting style and your son.

Ask for support from others (just like you did here) when you are in need.

My personal advice from one mother to another is know that "You wear the pants" not him. Don't get into power struggles with him at this age, or you won't stand a chance when he is in Jr. High. You are not his friend, you are his parent! Take charge.

At this age "being the center of attention" is key. So when he behaves, involve him in everything you possibly can. If you cook, stand him on a chair and let him cook too...give him tuperware and lids. Or if you go to the bathroom, put him on his potty too! Make it fun! Get him involved. If you vaccumme, let him push his toy mower or something....you get the drift.

Same goes with when he mis behaves. Remove him from the center of attention, by placing him in his room until he behaves. Tell him as soon as he behaves well, then we can do some fun things together!

If you need other suggestions, just call me. I am happy to assist or point you to resources.

Cheers to creating the life you desire with your son.
Warmly,
P.
Life Coach
Boise Idaho
###-###-####
www.lifecoachpaula.com

Know that you have what it takes to be a mom, and be a good one, or you wouldn't have been given this little guy! It is not an easy job, but it is a rewarding job. Keep on course and do what you need to do to get the job done. We all need support from time to time, so ASK for what you need to keep yourself balanced and be sure to take extreme self care of you. If momma isn't happy, no one is happy. Our kids reflect who we are and how we are....they learn by what we do and not what we say!

My son is almost 2 and we have 4 small stairs in between our living room and dining room. We used a gate for a while. But we let him climb the stairs and go down the stairs by himself with supervision and now he's very good at those stairs and we never close the gate anymore. A full flight of stairs may be too much to consider not putting up a gate quite yet, but if you can try and find one that screws into the walls that way it's more secure than those gate that just tighted against the walls. This way you won't have to worry about him getting too close to the gate. As far as anger, give him a bit longer to adjust to the new home and environment. It's not what he's use to anymore and it may be confusing to him. Good luck!

Hey Jodie, I know how you feel. My son will hit me like that too... and his little sister...and dad...He's a little over three now. He IS a very sweet child and not mean spirited but he hits. When I talk to him about it (and screaming) he'll say, "I want to hit, I want to scream". I am reassured by everyone that this is normal toddler behavior (especially when things seem out of control for him). I still don't think it's okay to let the behavior go undisciplined. Screaming we ignore because we find he stops without a response but hitting is an automatic "naughty step" or "in your room" offense. He's in for 2 minutes and then we ask if he's ready to be nice and if not he can stay until he is. Ben loves to get me stressed...he thinks it's funny. Don't let him do it to you, he'll thank you for it later. I myself often need reassurance when my kid is hitting me and glaring at me and I'm really hurt and truely a little afraid I can't parent this kid correctly. We are what the have, J., and what I have to remember is to keep calm. He may want to be exploring his new environment a little like a big boy...I know it helps with my kids to give them control in some
environments...choices so they can make mistakes and get a little boo boo. Let them make alot of mistakes while they're young. It's like the old folks say, "Little kids, little mistakes...big kids, big mistakes". Good Luck

Hi J.,

Wow, it sounds like we are having about the same problems with a small toddler. My son moved to Montana with his wife and 19 month old son. His wife decided she did not want to be a wife and mother any more and moved back to her home state. Will me being Grandma and the only people my son knows here I have become the day care for the baby. When mom was here her son was angry all the time.

Once she left he has changed. He went from screaming all the time to a normal behavier for some one so small. But then the trouble started. He would have these moments of just screaming for nothing. He would grab my hair and pull it.

I was without thought. What do I do?
So I asked a doctor what do I do. I love my Grandson and I want to do things right. He said when the baby screams tell him no the first 2 times then a swat on the third time. He said I was being tested and I was thought of being the one who changed things on him and I was to be hurt for hurting him.

So I did what the doctor said. That worked after about a 3 week period. Then it went to hair pulling. Well when he pulled my hair I would get loud with " that hurts". I would have to fake a cry. He did not like hurting me so after a while he changed.

Now it was off to taking everything off the tables to throwing my things on the floor. The doctor said the baby was angry that his life changed and he did not know how to handle it. He said boys are that way. They like to have things change slowly.

I made parts of my house that was for him only. If I wanted to be in that area I would ask him can Grandma play here? If he said no then I would not. Then when he was on my side I would tell Hi honey want to be with Grandma? He would then I would give him love and play with him soon he was inviting me to his side.

They need to know that they matter in the change we put them through, they have feelings that they can't figure out yet and hey they were happy and we changed it. Soon our little Grandson worked his way into trusting that this is a group thing.

Now we have stairs.... I hated him around the stairs. I would live on pins and needles when he wanted to go up them and down them. I put everything I could think of on the floor so if he fell he would be safe. We kids have a natural I want to climb on everything and do everything because it is all new to them. So I made the stairs a chore.

Every time I had to use them I took him by the hand safely up and down them. Did more than I needed on the stairs but it made it boring to him and the funny was gone. He wanted them because of the gates only. But when I made it just an everyday thing and not fun he lost intress.

Once in a while he wants to play on the stairs so I start off with the gate giving him 4 stairs to play safely on, as his skills get better I give hime a few more. he needs the skills to learn how to use them any way. After a while he has become a pro. Well a few small trips to the bottom also shows him they can smart when it hurt. They learn.

I lost 4 lbs in the deal. When we say " No". that means it must be fun...and they want it even more. So reverse it on them and it works out.

Tell you child that you love him right out of the blue and make it fast. Big kisses and hugs but fast. That is a what they do. They feel things quick and move on cause they learn fast.

You are doing a great job it is hard to do things by your self, I am proud of you giving it your all and he will love you so much for it later. I was a single mon with 3 for 11 years 2 boys 11 and 10 and a daughter that was at the time 2. Boy was that hard on them and my guilty feeling of not being able to give them things they really wanted. I can tell you some stories.

I hope this helped or made you laugh.. Have a great day and hey talk any time. I see that there is a lot of women that have great advice. See we are all there for you. :o}

Sylvia

J.,
Not sure if this has been mentioned yet, I'm at work and just about to leave, so I really don't have time to read all of the resposes. One thing that I would suggest is seeing if Nana and Papa are willing to keep him for a weekend or two so he understands that they will still be a part of his life. I went through the same thing with my daughter when we moved out while I was going through my divorce. To her, I think that she really felt like she was losing everyone and she was testing me to see if I was going to leave too. With my feeling that was the case, having my mom keep her for the weekend, we made sure that there were fun activities for them to do together, then we all met together for lunch and dinner both days she was with my mom. I called and talked to her often and always made sure to tell her that I loved her and that I would see her.... I think that really rebuilt her trust in me that I was not going to leave her and that she still got to see Grandma often. It is a huge adjustment and soemthing like that may also help him. Reaffirming that you are not going to leave him, and that he will still have a relationship with his grandparents at the same time.
Best of luck, I know how hard it is!!!

About the stairs, I taught both of my kids to crawl up and scoot down, always one stair at a time, and going very slow.
Good Luck again!
P.

Hi J.,
I know how hard it is to be a single Mom b/c I was one too. You're son is so young that he doesn't understand the change you have made and he can't express himself verbally so he is acting out. He is trying to assert some independence by doing things you ask him not to and then he is challenging you by acting out to see if you give in. It is extremely important that you are very firm with him now and do not give in, otherwise you are going to have way bigger problems in the future. It is totally unacceptable that he hits you and when he does you should grab his hands and tell him "NO hitting" and then give him a two minute time out on a chair in an uninteresting part of your new home. Eventually, he will understand that when he hits he gets a time out and he will stop. As far as the temper tantrums go, you can try just ignoring him. When he doesn't get your attention, he will eventually stop. Anyway, these are my recommendations for you. As a single Mom I know you have to pick your battles to save your energy to last all day w/o any backup support. Some baattles are more important than others like the hitting and the defiance, those need to be addressed before they become bigger problems in the future. Your son will adjust to his new home sometime soon and in the meanwhile you can have him visit his grandparents as much as possible.
Good luck and stay strong.

Don't worry, he doesn't have anger problems. He is exerting his independence. It happens around this age. My daughter is 15 months and she screams and screams when she doesn't get her way. The key is don't give in. If he's throwing a fit, walk away. Let him have his fit, let him know it's okay to be frustrated, but also let him know that you won't listen to him when he's having a tantrum. You can also pick him up and put him in his room to have his tantrum. But make sure you try and validate his feelings. Let him know you see that he's frustrated or sad, and tell him it's ok to feel that way. Also model good ways of feeling sad or frustrated yourself. He'll learn the right way to react by watching you. Some of this might be from the move. My son loved preschool when he was two, but when he was 3, we moved to a new house and he started acting out a lot at preschool. Change, even small change, is very hard for a small child. But just make sure you aren't giving in to his fits because that will only reinforce the behavior! Also, if he makes a mess when he's angry, after he's calmed down, have him pick it up. He will learn that his actions have concequences. If he slaps you in the face, that should be an immediate time out. If he doesn't stay in time out, put him right back. Keep putting him back until he stays. Be consistent and firm. Some things you can be lax on, but make sure things like staying away from the stairways and holding your hand when you're out are not optional. It will get better as he learns how to express himself with words.

It sounds to me that your little one is very frustrated. Moving into a new place is fun and exciting to him but also strange and out of his routine. He has a completely new environment and doesn't probably have grandma and grandpa and his constant disposal like he did before. This has to be a little stressful for him, and he may not know how to properly vent his frustration. Being able to go up and down stairs is important for his mental and physical development. I would set aside a certain time each day for him to practice going up and down stairs. He will get used to the routine and look forward to it. I know you are scared to let him do it, but just stay close to him to catch him in case he slips. This lets him know that he can progress on his own but you are also there to help him if he needs it. If he wants to do something you don't want him to, rather than saying "no" suggest another activity for him to do. Pull his attention away from what he is not to be doing and direct it to something else. Hearing "no" alot can be frustrating because then he feels like there is nothing that he "can" do. As far as the hitting goes, when he hits you make a very sad face and then take his hand and have him touch your cheek gently and smile when he does that. All children have the desire to please their parents and this will show him that touching nicely is better than hitting. My son is almost 2 as well, and I know how frustrating this time can be. You just have to let him know that you are the one in charge, not him. You may have to designate a time out area if you haven't already. I hope this helps, good luck!

My first advise to you is to teach your son how to use the stairs. My friend has an 18 mo. old boy who moves freely up and down the stairs in her house. This is scary in the beginning to say the least but this is an opportunity for him to gain some independence and for you to teach him a very important skill. Also, this is offers fun time together and an excellent opportunity for you to praise him.

Now for the hard part ... you obviously love your son very much but don't let him manipulate you. Children NEED rules and boundries; it makes them feel secure. If you aren't able to divert his attention before he gets in a full blown tantrum you'll need to find some form of discipline to use after he has calmed down, i.e. take away the toy he is throwing, seperate the two of you for a few minutes to let him know that hitting you is not a good way of getting your attention, etc.

Unfortunately the terrible two's are not just during the second year!

There is a fabulous book called Nanny Wisdom that is easy to read and has wonderful advise. I wish I'd had this book when my twins were born! I bought it when they were three (they're 4 1/2 now) and refer to it regularly.

Best of luck and do keep us posted!