I have a 12 year old who is a great kid, overall. He makes good grades, and when he helps around the house, he generally does a good job. He wanted an allowance, so we arrived at an amount and made a list of chores (weekly and daily) that he would have to do to earn the money. But the deal was I wouldn't have to constantly remind him to do the chores if he wanted the money. He gets so engrossed in his video games and television that I literally have to nag at him to do stuff. (Because if he doesn't, then I have to, and I already have my hands full with another child, household responsibilities, a home business and a full-time job.) Any suggestions on how to get him more engaged so HE will take the initiative? I've heard from other moms that this is just a "boy" thing at this particular age. Is that true?
I would like to thank all the fab moms out there who took time to share their own experiences and give some solid advice. We did a combination approach: a family conversation, written chores on a list he can mark off (which we had before, actually), and strict limitations on how much TV/game time he actually gets during the week to avoid it running into "family time." He cleaned all three bathrooms for me today and earned $10!! He was happy...and I am delirious that--with school, work, a home biz, and a family--I didn't HAVE to clean those bathrooms! Thanks ladies...
It does seem to be characteristic of his age, but that doesn't mean it's not correctable. Have you ever withheld allowance, or part of it, for having to remind him? That may get the message across pretty effectively if you haven't tried it yet.
T.
Is it true that boys can just fall into this pattern? Yes! Does that mean the child is in charge and should be left to just continue this behaviour in hopes that one day he will grow out of it? I don't think so. I think it is great that you are trying to search this out! Boys can get easily sucked up into their games. Some families choose to arrange winning game time. Perhaps your efforts would be better spent by earning game bucks or points rather than allowance. 15 points/bucks equals 15 min. My personal belief is that children should not be taught to only do chores if they are paid or bribed in some way. It is just one of the things that each person has as a job and member of the family to contribute to the family in order for the family to survive. It totally changes their value and their sense of values. It would take some doing to retrain him in the sense that you would have to inadvertently remind him of his chores if he wants game time, but in a family that is dedicated to getting the basic work done, they don't have luxuries until the basics are met. If that means the tv gets unplugged until chores are done, then so be it. When chores are then done, the tv can again be accessible. We have a rule in our house with tv when it comes to recorded stuff. I Record shows my kids love that are appropriate for them on our dvr. They are permitted to watch them every so often. However if we ask them to do something such as come to dinner and don't get a response because they are sucked into thier tv (mind you we have to be fair and make sure we say their name close enough and loud enough so they know we are talking to them without having to scream at them), the episode gets deleted right then. It has trained our kids to keep a watchful ear when they could so easily get sucked into the land of tv, because they know it could mean they won't get to finish the show - ever. It is the same kind of concept I think for getting sucked into gaming. Beware about the gaming too. It actually can become an illness as strange as it sounds. It has been studied and proven that game addicts actually get a cocaine like high (shown on brain imaging) from continually playing their games. I know a family with a child who has got to be close to having the disorder if he doesn't already have it. He goes nowhere without his gameboy in hand. There is also a guy at our church (or rather his mother comes to our church) who is addicted so badly that he hasn't had a job in 2.5 years. His wife works and he stays home playing his games while "watching" his 3 kids with his mother there. His mom actually takes care of the kids because he can't stay focused on them because he is so sucked in. His family thought he was depressed and using gaming as an excuse to "get away" until recently when they discovered the actual problem stems from the game itself and the high he gets from playing. He truly gets a high living in his game world. So restrict it now while you have the opportunity to have the greatest influence. Most of all, hang in there. Being a mom is a lot of hard work when you do it correctly. It is constant and sometimes tedious. The hardest part is to maintain a sense of cool because kids always respond positively to that. When we as parents blow up and show anger, it somehow sparks the very reaction we did NOT want from the kids. So keep up the great work and I Hope you find a solution that fits your family. Good luck!
B. :)
I bought this thing called a chore chart for my kids. It has cards with chores, and a chart to put them up on. They have to do all their chores every day, or they don't get paid at all for that day. The set comes with "mommy and daddy" dollars. At our house, they get a mommy or daddy dollar every day they do all their chores. 4 mommy and daddy dollars can be traded for a real dollar. (When they were younger, and didn't do so much, they had to get 5 mommy and daddy dollars for a real dollar.) These are just the regular chores like feeding the pets, making their beds, etc. For bigger jobs, I pay them a set amount. They get $1.00 to vacuum, $5.00 for mowing the lawn, or cleaning up the car. You could probably make some kind of a chart if you don't want to buy something. The chart is their reminder, so you don't have to do it. It's worked great for my kids. My youngest son used to whine and moan and groan when he was asked to to things. So, he was not paid if he did the job with complaining, or dollars were taken away from him if I had to do the job. That is the way it works in real life. You have to pay someone else to do it if you don't want to do it yourself. Hope this helps!
oh gosh, the i forgot statement has been wornout in my household. It has gotten to the point where we have to take away priviledges if they can't seem to remember to do the little chores we ask them to do...
LIMIT TV AND VIDEO GAME TIME!! BIG TIME!! I realize that the more they are allowed to watch tv/video games, the more likely they are going to continue this as a habit the rest of their years. Tell him he has 1 hr or how much ever u choose, and then let him choose the timings and shows within those hours. He has to let u know ahead of time and then you make a schedule...adding daily chores, homework, and extra chores that will give him extra money. Make a calendar-each day he doesnt get his chores done, X out that day-and decrease the amount of money he gets per week by one day. Remind him once that day and no more. Then the next day morning if he had not done it, remind him that his allowance has decreased by X amount of dollars...He will remember to do it the next day-maybe with 1 reminder. But no matter what, the tv and video games go off after the alloted time.
This way, you will teach him responsibilities for life-he will learn that tv is not life-nor is avoiding his responsibilities. It will make a big difference. Hopefully!
Hold a family meeting is my suggestion. I would do my best to make him feel as though he is an equal member in the family and let him understand that when he fails to do his chores, it not only affects him and his allowance, but it affects everyone else in the family as well and that the family is a team that has to help each other out.
You might also put a chart up that perhaps dictates how much each chore is worth in accordance to his allowance. Then, don't nag him to do his chores but remind him only one time. If he does not comply and you are forced to do his chores that night, mark off on his chart how much money he has lost for that day.
There might also be a time that he asks you to, say, drive him over to a friends' house for the afternoon? But "you simply cannot do that today because in addition to all the things YOU have to do, you also had to do HIS chores because he "forgot.' " This should hopefully, let him know how his forgetfullness affects everyone.
Good luck.
I also have a 12 year old son, along with 3 other children. We have a set time limit for being on the computer/PS2,anything electronic. They get 45 minutes on school days, twice that when they don't have school. That way they have time to do their chores, play outside to get physical activity, read, do homework, and they have to learn to take turns! When one is on the unit, the others have time to do their chores so they are ready when the other's time is up. It works out great.
I hate to say it but tell him no T.V. or video games until his chores are done and if he doesn't want to do the chores then tell him no allowance.
All I can say is sit down and talk to him tell him how important it is for him to take his part in helping you out. Maybe take away his games that he is so engrossed in and tell him once his chores are done he can play his games, no chores no games, give him the option to choose, you dont do the chores your suppose to do then no games, you do the chores you get the games. (period)
What our parents did when we were his age and younger they gave us chore charts we got stars on the things we did but maybe you can tell him with each chore done he gets an hr of video games or make up some incentive for him.
Just a thought
Hope it helps
Good Luck
P.S he is old enough to understand right from wrong. I know boys just want to be boys but when you have working parents and their are older children they need to learn how to take care of the house.
G.
