My son, who is in 7th grade, has a wonderful best friend. He and several other boys have hung together for a few years and really enjoy each others' company. This school year, 3 new boys have come on the scene, wanting to be included, and inviting some of the original group of boys to their gatherings. My son's best friend is often excluded for various reasons, none making any sense to me. But anyhow, as boys can be boys, I try to sit back and let them 'do their thing' without getting too much in the way. However, now, I hear that not only are the 'new' friends excluding my son's best friend from their activities, they are also being cruel to him at school - calling him names, telling him to go away, telling him he's not allowed to sit with them at lunch, etc. This happens mostly when my son is not around. My son is trying to stand up for his friend, but also wants to be included in the new fun. He struggles with trying to do what's right versus not being left out as well. I'm sure he sees how cruel these boys can be - who would want to be on the other end of that? I know what I can say as an adult - stick with your old friends and move on. But what really works at this age to help a child learn to do what's right? He can't understand why they can't all just get along together. Do I talk to the parents of the 'new' friends and tell them what has been happening to this other child? I am afraid of embarrassing my child in the process. HELP!!!
7th grade is a tough age. middle school in general is the toughest of times with all the hormones kicking in.
i wouldn't suggest talking to the other kids or their parents, but would suggest talking to your own son. letting him know that if these boys are treating his best friend this way, what's to prevent them from doing the same thing to him one day? and is this worth risking losing a true best friend? good luck.
J., I think this is all a part of growing up and I am experiencing some of the same with my 12 year old son who is in the seventh grade. He is feeling a "divide" with some of the kids he's been friends with since kindergarten. I do think this transition to becoming a teenager is hard on everyone. I have taken a couple of different approaches to getting him over these bumps. First, I encourage his friends, any and all of them, to hang out here. They all seem to get along better when they know an adult is around. I have also tried to keep my son busy with physical activities and we booked a ski house this winter with the hopes of just removing him from some of the social nonsense that takes place on the weekends.
I think avoiding some of the situations that occur is a reasonable stradegy. I have put my son on allowance so he has responsibilities at home that keep him here vs. with friends.
Long and short, all these kids emerge better people in 9th grade. So I want my son busy, tired and at home as much as possible til then. That said, what will make our kids most "successful" is encouraging right choices vs. "popular" choices or going along with the crowd, even if it results in some lost fun.
As far as discussing with the other parents, it is hard to weigh in on that not knowing the parties. Some parents are receptive and some could care less. I would feel them out first before you confide in them.
I completely understand your upset. No easy answers anymore, good luck, A.
Middle school is tough, no doubt. There is some jealousy even with boys that their "friends" will like someone else more or hang with others and not include them. I would first question what kind of kids these are, what is the lure for your son to gravitate to the new friends? It is wise to watch out for who your son is getting involved with. I would ask your son does he really want to hang around other kids who would not be inclusive? Ask him questions regarding his friends feelings, how would he feel being excluded? Make your son think about these things and maybe he will come up with what is right and maybe this situation will take care of itself. Being part of a group because you want to belong is everyone's wish, but at what expense, your own values and friends? Do not call parents or involve any other kids but your son in your discussions, that will not work. Kids, usually are the mirror of their environment. Good luck.
I don't think you can get involved with the parents of the bullies on behalf of someone else's child. I DO think you can really talk to your son about why he wants to be "included" in fun that can turn into bullying. I know that the new boys are nice to your son and doing fun things but it would be great if you could ask him how long he can enjoy the fun if he's worrying about "who's next" with the exclusion and cruelty. It may help him to articulate his feelings and that will empower him more when he's in those situations.
I think it's a really great occasion for a "teachable moment" and your son is already very compassionate and upset by the situation. It's a great time to teach your other child too, by association. It can be very empowering to have kids see that standing up and doing the right thing is an extraordinary thing - and that the kids with the real weaknesses are those who can only feel good by hurting someone else.
Finally, most schools have no-bullying policies - either your son or the boy on the receiving end should be reporting this behavior to the teacher or principal. Every time. It's not sissy or baby behavior - if they stop teasing your son's friend, they'll just move on to someone else, so it's the bullying that needs to stop.
Good luck - and great job raising such caring kids!
Another mom told me what she did & it worked. So, I will pass it along!
She called the mom of the offending boys & said, "I need your help, my son, says that some kids are picking on one of his old friends. He refuses to mention any names. I was just wondering if your son ever noticed this?"
Apparently, when the moms spoke to the "meanies" they denied any knowledge of this "picked on" kid, but, the behavior ceased immediately!
Good luck!
That is a tough one. Unfortunately something similar happened to me in middle school and again later in high school. I was in your son's position of having a friend that all of the sudden no one liked. I never talked to my mom about it so already he's doing better than I did. I ended up trying for a long time to be friends with both but the left out friend ended up having a lot of jealousy issues and slowly pulled away and made new friends of her own. I look back and feel terribly guilty for how it must of hurt her and also think that she was the better friend by far than the new crowd (of course we can see that as adults). In a separate instance in high school, the mom of the unpopular friend called us all up on the phone and yelled at us. To me she said she thought I was the nicest of the group and was surprised that I could just leave my friend behind (in that case I wasn't as close to her as the other girls had been). Anyway, the mom calling us definitely did NOT help. That made everyone more angry. If you know the moms personally I would say you could carefully mention it, but unfortunately if they don't handle it the right way they could just end up making the situation worse when they talk to their sons.
But also as I have learned being a parent, what seems like a drama today might suddenly disappear on it's own tomorrow. Hope that is the case for you!
Hi J.,
Middle school years are so hard, I feel for what you are going through for your son's sake. It must be a good feeling that your son is one of the "good" ones, anyway! I agree 100% with what Leanne has advised. I would stay away from calling other kids' parents. That's meddling, and that'll come back to haunt your kid eventually.
What Leeann says seems right. These kids are mean deep down, bullies, and there's nothing to stop them from turning one day in caprice on your son. Your son should stick with good, true friends. He need your help seeing that. Good luck!
