My Son Doesn't "Fit In"- How Can I Help?

Consider trying martial arts. I taught martial arts for years and saw a lot of "different" kids bloom. It is good for their coordination and self-esteem. And most importantly it is an individual sport. He will be learning in a group with this peers, but everyone is working as an individual, at their own pace. That way he is part of a group, but they are not working as a "team" like soccer or football, where his struggles can prevent the other children from playing the way they want. Other good examples of this are swimming and tennis. Really, try one of these....I have seen so many kids learn a new skill, become proud of themselves, and be part of a group (without their akwardness pushing away other kids). Let us know.

contact the school counselor & see what can be done. The counselor will work to make school a better environment for him.

I would try switching to a different team sport like maybe soccer, and maybe one with a better team work, or out of the team sport and into a different sport like tennis, or maybe something like gymnastics. Maybe also instead of the school team, I would try a community class so that it's a different team and a different coach and you can watch how they play, and they are not so sport-focused but more team and fun-focused.
You have a specific condition to keep in mind, and sounds like the dynamics of the team he is playing on does not help you with that issue at all. I would not leave him there, but I would try to find something else he can play, and possibly several things.
If the same situation repeats at school, I would also switch schools, like maybe find a charter or a private school, but with a better and more positive environment. How kids treat other kids is typically a result of how it is moderated in that environment.
Also, if you can find horseback riding lessons for that age, it is very therapeutic, and he will have interaction with the instructor. Anything outdoors and dealing with animals will help too. Spending time outdoors also helps ADHD too.

I have not observed my daughter having problems with the kids, but I always observed that she goes straight to the adults and prefers their company and their interaction. But I would not tolerate if other kids were to start treating her badly, I would feel compelled to take some action.

Talk to his teacher.
At our school, my son is occasionally asked to "buddy" with another kid--with autism or Aspergers, etc. It helps them to know that they can count on someone to guide them and "have their back".
Does your school have an autism support classroom? Sometimes they role-play or do social skills.

Just for encouragement, my co-worker's Aspie is now in HS, has a handful of good friends, and is in the school band program. He loves it, gets straight A's and has a cool little social life!

He'll be OK. Promise. He's gonna find the friend that's the ying to his yang and it will be a wonderful thing.

All the best!

I understand how you feel. All I can say is he will grow into his brain.

He will never have what most consider a normal childhood but I don't think it is a bad childhood. I have asked Andy, my son, does it bother him that the kids ignore him, he tells me no. He says they just weren't interested but I felt like talking about it. He looks like he tries to fit in but just doesn't seem fussed that he doesn't. I am not sure if that makes sense.

My Andy is in 7th grade and is by no means normal socially. Thing is some of the kids have matured to the point where they appreciate the differences more than make fun of them. Andy knows and understands things they do not. Now they listen when he rambles about science because it is their homework he is explaining. I am not sure if any of this makes sense but Andy is growing into his brain. :)

I just realized I didn't exactly answer your question. Hum, wonder where Andy gets it. There isn't really anything you can do but be there for him. Just loving him and caring about his feelings is enough.

Man I feel your pain, I have a second grader who is high functioning autism and it breaks my heart knowing neuro-typical kids don't want to accept him. I am trying something new this year, in my sons IEP I had "social skills" added (you may try this, you can call an IEP and add things all year long so I would suggest contacting your school to setup a meeting). Each day he has a "daily goal" sheet. He decides what his goal will be for that school day. The special ed teacher tries to guide his choice towards something social such as "ask to sit by kids at lunch" or "ask to join in a game at recess" or "ask someone to come play in general at recess". Then at the end of the day, he rates himself on well he performed his goal. I also have the teachers helping to guide him in the lunchroom to stick to his daily goal and at recess all the teachers are aware that he has a "social skills" goal in his IEP so they help push him.

It's heartbreaking, I totally understand. You wish so bad for the NT kids to have been raised in such a way that they'll look out for your child, stick up for your child etc... but in the end, it's not always going to be the case.

Have you tried any social skills classes at the pediatric therapy clinics near you? GL and a million Hugs to you!!!

If you can do play therapy it helps. My first child is the same way. Everyone thought I worried for no reason, but she still struggles 6 years later. We also started invited one child over for an hour and a half to play. I made sure it was fun. Longer playdates or more than one child were disastrous.

I am going through the same thing with my 8 year old. He has been evaluated for aspergers and add neither quite fit I guess. He too is super smart, mature and quirky and has a really cool personality but a hard time making friends.It breaks my heart and sometimes I have to actually force myself not to micromanage him all the time. He doesnt understand social cues at all and will say and do weird things. He gets over stimulated or something with other kids. He played baseball on the same team since he was 4 and it was painful for me to watch. The older he got the more they treated him like a weirdo. He loved baseball and was so excited to play but even the adults just kind of blew him off. I have three older children and none of them have ever had these issues at all. A friend of mine suggested karate and I am not sure exactly why but it has helped alot. It is an independent sport so he gets rewarded based on his own work(unlike baseball). He really likes it and for some reason their seem to be alot of "quirky" kids there. It has helped his self confidence tremendously and it gives him something that he is good at and an interesting topic of conversation with other kids.It has also helped with goal making and self discipline. It might be something to look into.

My 3.5 year old has a hard time sometimes, but usually she is fine if she is around nice older children.

I think smart people have it hard, even from the start.

I'd talk to your son about asking other people to join in. I'd then tell him that sometimes they say "no," and that that is OK. I'd then ask him about a situation where he didn't want to play with someone, or something like that, to help him feel how the other kids feel. I'd probably then ask him if we could find a group of boys he could play football with, I'd then search like mad for some kids that would play with my kid.

Sometimes we create stories for the way we want the world to be, this to me, isn't a sign that anything is wrong with your son. He is just lonely, and wanting to belong.

I hope you are able to help him find his place. Kids can be so mean.

I would advise you to seek out his teacher and your school district's special ed. resources to help your son. More and more students are diagnosed on the autism spectrum, so school districts are learning methods to help aid these children more and more as well. Does he have an IEP (individualized education plan)? Even if he is very capable academically, sometimes special ed teachers can work with him one on one to help practice and learn appropriate social skills. The classroom teacher should be creating an inclusive environment in which all the children learn to respect the unique skills and personalities of each person. Also look for resources in your community. Is there a hospital in your area? They may have some information about support groups, or other resources to help you. Do a google search for agencies that may help too. I have worked with a few autistic children as a teacher and believe they are some of the sweetest, most talented souls on the planet. All kids at his age are still learning how to interact socially regardless if they are autistic or not, just keep being his advocate and help him find his way. He will do great things as Jo W. said, he will grow into his brain in his own way! Good luck and God Bless!
A.

My nephew is high functioning Asperger's syndrome. He went through a lot of therapy to learn the cues, to learn appropriate responses etc..

If you do not want to send him to therapy there are a ton of books that cover this subject and you can learn some of the therapies to help him.

Remind him that football is a game. Find a book that explains how to play and read it to him. You can sy you have not always understood how to play football so you thought the 2 of you could learn together.

BTW, my nephew is now in high school (private) and does play football (2nd string) , he plays the guitar with a group. He is bright but he is also a typical boy. Does not want to do homework. Will do it, but not turn it in.. and then ace any test.. Drives his mom insane..

The girls like when he attends dances beause he is willing to dance since he is not embarrassed or self conscious! ..

Hello, I feel your heart wrenching pain. As long as you are doing what you
are doing, and asking and learning...you are doing the best that you can for him. He is lucky to have such a wonderful mommy! I have pasted a link to a page that is worth checking into. At the bottom of the front page, there is a video to watch, it's about ten minutes long. Good luck my dear! And big hugs to your little fellow! He will be just fine!

http://www.brainbalancecenters.com/about/

My heart is just breaking for you and your little boy. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It sure does sound like Asperger's, my cousin's son has this but was not diagnosed until he was 18 and graduating high school. My cousin and his wife just struggled and struggled with him over and over but Asperger's was a fairly unknown so they had no idea what was wrong with him. He spent most of his childhood alienated from his peers. The great news is, once diagnosed, they got a medication that helped him work with it and now he is a straight A student in college studying sports journalism and statistics (not surprising).

I wish I had a a way to direct you to make this easier for you and your son. I might start with getting second and third opinions on what is going on with him if it is not Asperger's. I know a big thing that helped with my cousin's boy is they treated him as 100% part of the family, not any different then the other kids and shed LOVE all over all of them equally. They constantly instilled in him that the way people behaved towards him was their problem, not his. He was so convinced of this that by the time he was diagnosed, he was dead set on not taking medication because he was convinced there was NOTHING wrong with him. In short, the pain was with the parents more than the boy.

All in all, I would maybe see if there are groups that get together as play dates with other kids in the same situation, maybe he will find it much more fun to play football with kids that play back.

Good luck!

Your son sounds so much like my son--in fact mine told me tonight he just wishes he were "normal" and everything wouldn't be so hard. Mine is 11 and in 5th grade now. His social gap skills are so evident even though he is such a cool kid if you can enter into his world. We are in the process of moving from ND to MN so that we can find some better school and therapy options for him....I send you the biggest hug I can and keep looking for answers that will help him....I love some of the ideas from the other moms here!

- giftedness
- sensory issues
- failure to recognize social cues
- anxiety / meltdowns
- repetitive behaviors
- intense emotions
- extraordinary sensitivity
- creativity

You DO know these are all signs of ADHD?

Out of curiosity... what happens when you give him a can of coke or a cup of coffee?

One of my favorite books/resource to help kids address these issues is "Helping the Child Who Doesn't Fit in [Paperback]" Hang in there. He sounds like an awesome kid, with an awesome mom....

Oh, these stories just break my heart. My son also has Aspergers, anxiety disorder, ADHD and ODD. He has struggled with the same issues such as understanding social cues. He tries so hard to fit in but he usually tries too hard and comes across as annoying. It is so hard for us Mama's to see this but these kids are way more resilient than we give them credit for.

My son is now 11 and in 6th grade and I will tell you things do get better. The other kids learn to accept him for who he is and he has several friends that he hangs out with. I've noticed that he does very well with older people, he has two mentors that are in their 20s and he just loves hanging out with them. At school he tends to gravitate towards the girls, maybe they are less judgemental. But he still has a few boys he hangs out with and he is even going to play basketball again this year.

My best advice to you is to give your son a hundred hugs a day, compliment everything and do whatever you can to boost his self-esteem. Teach him that he is an awesome kid and hopefully it won't be so devastating to him when he has problems with the other kids. My best friend, who also has a son with Aspergers, chose to explain everything to her child about his diagnosis. So, now he understands why he acts the way he does and he will also explain it to other kids. It seems to be working well in their situation but I have not done the same with my kid. My son doesn't even know what Aspergers means or that he has it. I guess it really depends on the child and how you think he will be able to handle this.

I wish you the best of luck. It's not an easy road but it is so worth it. Please don't underestimate the power of the special ed teachers and the value of an IEP. I'm not saying it's the right answer for everybody but it can open the doors to a lot of resources. Also, talk to his therapist about medications. Again, it's not always the right answer but sometimes it can really help you child be successful. Feel free to message me anytime and don't forget it will get better. ((((HUGS))))

You sound like a GREAT mom who truly loves her son. I am sure he is a wonderful boy and I know it is painful to think of him being lonely. I second the opinions on putting him into Martial arts. GREAT for discipline, paying attention, focusing, also not a team sport so if he is awkward or whatever it won't stand out so much. Good luck!

Don't be afraid to be up front with him about the other boys and his missing the social cues. He needs to know and understand so he won't take it personally. Then encourage him to get into activities that don't require team work, but more individualized skills such as the Martial Arts, swimming, golf, maybe tennis.

Trust me, he'll be happier, still meeting other kids, but won't be in a situation where he'll get his feelings hurt because his actions will directly affect so many people, or the outcome of a game or the activity. For kids like this, team sports can be very stressful, anxiety producing, and over stimulating. Martial arts are very good for kids like this because it teaches discipline, is more of a controlled setting, and they can slowly build strength and eye and hand coordination. There is some team work and team building, but it is much more different and less intense than traditional team sports. He'll be much happier.

Ohh my goodness- I literally am in tears for you. However I give you so much credit for being "honest" with yourself. It deff. takes guts to come to terms with situations like this. A momma's heart can break so easily when it comes to your babies- and you want nothing more than for them to live in a perfect world surrounded by perfect ppl. I can honestly say that I have no idea what the right way to handle this would be- I can just tell you what I think when I read your post. Your son has soo many gifts- maybe try to find a play group where he can thrive. Maybe something with kids similar to him- or a class/hobby that will expand on his talents. I personally don't think if it were me that I would point out the ways that he is not fitting in or the ways his interaction is wrong- even if he isn't perfect in social settings don't make him insecure enough to care. Be proud of his imperfections, and maybe give him a place he can be perfect in his own way! Think of how many amazingly talented people weren't socially perfect. I get where your heart is and get the fact that you want him to just "fit" in. Who wouldn't?? You sound like a wonderful momma- so don't stress about the other kids- You know, you won't be able to stay be his side to see how others are treating him, or to see how he is treating others forever- and you won't be able to change the other kids behavior towards your son. So, if it were me I would say no matter what imperfections he may have socially- God made him perfectly! Teach him that-He was fearfully and wonderfully made! Teach him to be proud of every part of himself, so that when a child is unkind to him- he'll still walk away with his head held high. If he were mine, I would focus on making him proud of himself and not aware of his flaws. Yes you are aware and I think it's great that you aren't trying to ignore these issues- however- Do you want a child who is to insecure to even try and play football with the "cool" kids- or a child who says hey look at me, I'm just like them. Bullies will always be there, and mean kids turn into mean adults! Give that boy a backbone that is unbreakable! And remember he is "Fearfully and Wonderfully made"Psalm 139:14 God Bless!~

Hi Gaby,
Your story made me tear up, I can feel your pain in your post. I love OneandDone's suggestion of a special buddy/older child/mentor. Does your school have this? My daughter's school does and actually, all of the younger kids connect with a buddy, not just the special needs kids. I think it's a great system and helps with preventing bullying, too. I have no expertise to offer, but think maybe role playing may help your son. Good luck; you son sounds like a really special and wonderful child!

My son is recently diagnosed by the school district as on the spectrum - mild to moderate. He qualifies for preschool help and I am SO glad we're able to get it. They are working with him on social skills and social language. I've already seen an improvement. If you can get a school assessment and see if he qualifies for any help from the school district, it may make a difference. They may be able to help you in helping to find a peer group for him, or helping peers to understand the quirkiness.

He will always be quirky - and that's ok. But you're right, it's tough. I remember being an outsider growing up (smart and a bit socially clueless - I don't know if I was on the spectrum, but I was a geek). As an adult, it's not a big deal, but as a child, it's a challenge.

If he really loves football and older kids can you find an older kid to coach him in it? Then when he is ready to play with kids his own age he knows what he is doing rather than just running around? He goes int it w/ some confidence and the other kids can see that he knows what he is doing? maybe someone at your church can do it as a service project?

Love the karate idea such a great medium for all types of children.

My heart goes out to you. I have one that is s social butterfly but has a harder time w/ social issues and we're just on the cusp of kids not really noticing vs. kids backing away from her b/c she's such a close talker, holds onto their arm, follows them and just keeps talking and talking, etc. As a mother it is heartbreaking to watch.

Definitely find a social skills group for him, or at the very least a good occupational therapist, they can work on a lot of that stuff with him. He's older now, and is likely more ready for the social skills piece than he was before. We've had a wonderful experience with our OT, she's been able to help our oldest learn all sorts of things about how his body works and what he needs to do to negotiate the world in his body. Talk to your pediatrician for an OT referral.

Have you ever tried him in theater? In my experience, socially awkward children often excel and find a niche in theater.