My Kid Is a Bully, How Can I Change Him?

what are the consequences for his actions? if you are "talking to him" then he's not getting it.

Remind him that he is now acting like the kids that took from him - IS THAT how YOU want be? He's 3 - almost 4 - he should understand action/consequence - as with ANYTHING in life - there is an consequence for an action..

You can nip it by making consequences for his actions.

He hits, he gets time out - as hitting him back isn't going to teach him anything...if he's at the park - you go home immediately. Let him throw a fit and scream. If he can't behave like a good boy - then he can't have fun at the park.

Stop JUST talking and give him consequences. Make it short and sweet. When instructions are short - they "HEAR" it. When you drone on - it's lost in their brains.

Easy to understand - you do X - Y happens. There isn't an excuse and well maybe not this time - You did X - now Y happens. I told you.

First, this is a developmental stage and so very normal. He's learning the difference between what is his and what is not. I suggest that if you approach this as a teaching issue rather than giving him a negative label he will learn more appropriate behavior.

Good to explain to him about not hitting but he also needs a consequence when he hits. At the time it happens, stop him, tell him he hurt his little sister and ask him to apologize. Then remove him from his sister's presence. We don't get to be with people when we hit them.

Please stop telling him he's a bully. This labels him and causes him to think of himself as a bully. Give him something to live up to. Tell him he's a kind boy who doesn't want to hurt other kids. Show him how to be kind. Give him positive attention when he is kind. And most of all show him kindness as you correct him. When you get upset you're showing him it's OK to be upset when someone does something you don't like. Stop lecturing him and calmly teach him how to behave.

First of all stop using the word Bully. He's too young to have empathy yet, he can barely figure out he he feels himself let alone try to imagine what's it's like to be someone else. Kids at this age hurt each other because they can't relate to another person's feelings.
Talk about people in different situations from your sons. When you see someone sad, happy, angry etc. Ask him "How do you think that person is feeling right now?" Ask him to consider how it feels when someone hits him. Does he like it? Does it hurt? Does it hurt his feelings?
Try to get him to start relating to other people's emotions and ask him when he hits, how does he feel? How would he feel if he was the one being hit? Keep at it a little bit at a time. Every single time he hits or acts out physically simple say, "We do not hit, we use words" "It is never OK to hit and so on".
He'll get it, he is not a bully and never will be if you can help him develop a strong sense of empathy for others.

I hope it doesn't come across as too harsh, but if all you have done to intervene in his bullying is to "talk to him" and "make him apologize", then he has NO REASON to change his actual behavior. You need to apply some consequences.

If you use time-outs, then put him in a timeout. If he takes a toy from another child, use a logical consequence: the toy is returned IMMEDIATELY, he must apologize, AND he gets a timeout. ALL THREE.
If he pushes: Correct him (not pushing), make him apologize, and then time-out. You might even do the time out first, and THEN have him apologize. It'll give him a chance to think on it before he has to speak about it.
Talk to the teacher at preschool, and let her know it is okay for her to give him a timeout when he does that.

It isn't really a matter of re-directing his energy. It is more a matter of getting him to restrain his impulses. He can bounce all over the place if he isn't pushing another child or grabbing their things.

You didn't give a lot of information about what you say to him when you "talk to him" except to ask him "to use his words". So I am assuming that you are using the "trying to figure him out" tone. Don't. Use the "I'm the mommy bear and YOU, sir, are out of line" tone. He'll get it.

I honestly think all 3.5-4 year olds are "bullys". I can't wait for empathetic thinking to kick in!

D., this was exactly how my older DD was at ages 2-3. She shoved. She hit. She pushed kids, sometimes unprovoked. She would sometimes go to the top of a slide and push the kid sitting at the top down the slide because she didn't want to wait her turn or share the slide. She took toys from smaller kids. Out of the blue, she once growled on the way to the doctor's waiting room and mumbled angrily "other kids" Come to find out she did not want to share any of the toys or crayons if there happened to be other kids there that day. I totally know how helpless and sad that makes you feel as the Mom. But please know that it really isn't bullying at this age. It was a phase. It is about learning empathy, impulse control, and sharing the world with others. And some little kids have a harder time with this.

For us, it was a phase, thank goodness. When I first noticed it I reacted much like you. Totally startled, rushing in to correct it immediately, apologies, long lectures, stern approach. I felt horribly guilty and compelled to nip it in the bud. However, my DD noticed it got a lot of attention, and it only make the issue worse for awhile. She would try to start conversations with Grandma saying "I hit kids" because she knew that would get her HUGE attention and long conversation about why she shouldn't act this way. I had to train Grandma to ignore this talk. Wasn't easy. See of course it alarmed Grandma too, and she felt compelled to rush in give it loads of attention to fix it.

My DD stopped her pushing/hitting sometime in her 3 year old year. Towards the end of that kind of behavior she pushed someone down the slide at the playground. I picked her up and left. Immediately. No huge lecture. No second chances. Swift consequence. You push, we leave. I believe it made an impression. Never happened again.

Also preschool helped trememdously. She had a scowl on her face one day when I picked her up. I asked. What's wrong? She said, when I did this (she made a shoving gesture) Johnny pushed me back and it hurt. I said yes, "pushing makes people angry, and if you push you will often get pushed back much harder. And it will surely hurt." Never happened again.

I would talk to his preschool teachers since you've heard its happened at school and let their professional experience guide the situation.

My son will be 4 next month and we are having the same problem. I even got called in to an impromptu teacher conference to talk about it! His teacher suggested we limit his after school play dates to 1/2 hour with me next to him the whole time AND told another classmate's mom to have no play dates with us! Hurt me so much to think other kids will have that opinion of him or parents will be wary of playing with him. The teacher and I talked a lot about consistent discipline to do at home and school.

After that day (and since my son saw me talking to his teacher so he knew he was in trouble) we had a LONG talk about respect for other friends, appropriate behavior, how our friends feel when we do bad things even if it is an accident - although most of it is not - and finally how friends won't play with him if he can't be nice.

Some of our issues are an inability to settle down and a bit of lack of empathy. My son's OT specialist (he sees her for the sensory seeking issue) gave me some ideas of things to do with him to get rid of or re-focus some of his energy. I passed these along to his teacher as well.

The good news is that he is doing much better at school! It's been about three weeks since my teacher conversation and she has been giving him good reports. He has also been choosing to not do a lot of playtime with friends after school. I think he understands that he his friends were getting upset.

Excessive energy and lack of impulse control ... there may be a medical reason behind this. Our son was this way at that age and we know now he has severe ADHD. We did everything possible to change his behavior and nothing worked because he wasn't wired like a normal child. Understanding what was going on really allowed us to help him and put a stop to the behavior (ended the second he went on medication ... he was just like normal kids).

It's worth evaluating things more carefully and bringing up any concerns with the pediatrician. If there are red flags, you may be referred to a specialist for a better assessment.

RE: UGH to ADHD ... From my own experience, so many people minimized my concerns and gave me the "he's just an active boy" and "try this parenting strategy" (which we'd long since tried) that it never crossed my mind our son had a medical condition. I wish someone had mentioned the ADHD possibility earlier. The first strong symptoms tend to crop up in preschool. That's why I'm relating our personal experience with this condition. It's real and it's challenging, but there's hope with treatment.

Agghghfhghg not everything kids do is due to ADHD!! Kids learn to be good through discipline. Keep up with time outs, and apologies like Victoria said. Don't assume since he has excess energy, he has ADHD.

Yes, some kids legitimately have it, and yes, they do benefit from medication. But please please don't jump to the conclusion that there is nothing you can do bc your son is attention deficient.

Ask for conference with his preschool teachers and ask for their input. They have been dealing with this kind of behaviour for a long time in probably 100s or 1,000s of kids, so I bet they have some great suggestions. Also, making them aware of it and your own concerns about consistent handling of the problem at home as well as school, should help.

BTW, he's 3, so I wouldn't label him a "bully" --- he is just starting to try to learn social graces, and social norms. Don't use that word in front of him, and don't let others use it either. If he were continually picking on one kid or he were doing this to all younger kids and he were in 2nd grade or something, then maybe you could say he's a bully. Right now, he's a 3yo learning to try to express his wants & needs... It's our jobs to try to guide him in doing so in a way that is socially acceptable. :)

Also, this is at least partly a 2-way street--the other kids need to learn to use their words to say "No!" "Stop!" "Don't push me!" etc., so that he knows---from them, not just the teacher---that what he's doing is not acceptable.

I agree with Kari F. She has some great advice! The reason I'm posting is because my son, who is almost 5, told me yesterday when I got home that he got in trouble for biting a girl at day care. He started bawling while telling me, even though he had already had time out and a discussion with dad, he didn't cry until I got home. Once i calmed him down, I asked if he had told her that he was sorry. When he said no, I asked him if he was sorry. His response was a definate yes. Since he's been working on writing his letters, he decided to write her a note saying "I'm sorry I bit you" and he planned on giving it to her today. I just want to let you know that you aren't the only mom dealing with this issue! Good luck!

Consequences, as others said -- and they have to be applied instantly after he does something, not later, or he will not make the connection between "I did X, so I lost Y; next time I do X I might lose Y again."

You also have to find the consequence that, for lack of a better term, really causes him some "pain" -- something he will hate to lose, like treasured TV time if that is what he loves, or a promised outing that day which you instantly cancel because he hits someone that morning. The "pain," however, should never extend to swats or smacks or spanking; you cannot teach a child who hits that "We don't hit" if you or another trusted adult hits him as punishment.

You don't mention if you have talked with his preschool teachers and the preschool director about all this. I would contact them immediately and schedule a sit-down talk, without him present, tomorrow if possible. Tell them everything you said here and more if needed. It would be better to be up front with them, so they know how he is behaving at home and on the playground as well as at preschool. They of course already know if he is hitting other kids, grabbing things, etc., and they may be able to give you some much needed perspective about his behavior -- you may find he is not quite the bully you feel he his. But that will not alter the fact that very consistent consequences, applied the same way every single time by you and his dad and any other caregivers, are important right now.

Please take advantage of the experience of the teachers. If you go to them with the sincere "Please help me help him" attitude you show here, they will be so glad to work with you and make suggestions. It is very wise of you not to make excuses for him or minimize what he's doing; now you need to find firm consequences that you apply consistently. You can do this and he can improve!

I think you've gotten some great advice from the other moms. I wanted to chime in on some of your comments about his bursts of energy, pushing others and purposely running into people. It's possible your son has sensory-seeking vestibular tendencies. Not a huge deal, but really helpful if you understand it because then you can do things to counter it. My son has this issues and we have spent years reteaching the hitting reaction. We have employed calming exercises to get him to recenter as well as working through the logic of "that is not nice behavior." Read the book The Out of Synch Child and that will give you a sense if this is something that describes your son.

If the other children in school are being mean to him without giving him a chance, then the teachers at school are not doing their job. A big part of school is teaching social skills, and it sounds to me like the teachers are not doing that. They should pre-empt the issue, and immediately address behavior that is not positive. We pulled our son from a school that ignored social skills and moved him to one that is really proactive. The difference was night and day. My son's hitting behavior went from several times a day to only a couple times a month. And things did turn around for him and the other kids see him as a really nice kid to play with, although they know that sometimes he does act out. They're okay with that though.

Good luck!
B.

If you have an opportunity to take parenting classes through the Echo Center http://www.echoparenting.org, it will provide so much understanding of the developmental milestones children experience as well as ways to model empathetic behavior. After all, how do children learn empathy if not modeled for them. We can't enforce inappropriate disciplinary actions and expect that children will learn empathy. Can you imagine if someone sent you to your room or took something from you when you were feeling angry or vulnerable? What kind of message does that send? The parenting classes really empowered my husband and me and have given us a way to handle the high emotions that toddlers experience. You can organize private group classes through the Center that will come to you. Cannot recommend the experience enough!!!
Good luck with staying patient!