My Husband Wants to Re-enlist in the Military

.

What is the extent of the obligation? Is it one weekend a month? They stay stateside -right? What are we really talking about here? I think his obligation to his family is enough to handle right now. I admire his level of committment, though-and thank him for his service-but-really-he's done enough.

I would have a major problem with that. I'd be livid. Especially if we just adopted a child. He isn't a young man anymore, he has responsibilities, you have a new child, and YOU DON'T WANT IT!

I'd have the biggest problem in the world with this. You are not alone.

Lydee says it perfect! With the voice and severity it deserves and all the logic that is required.

This is a great quote, "Seriously-if my husband did that it would be a DEAL BREAKER! He would be gone plain and simple because at that point I would know for sure what his deal is and where his allegience is-not to us, not to his country but to himself."

It sounds like you HAD discussed this in the past. 15 years out of it, now he wants in- yes, it does sound like a bit of a midlife crisis. I am sorry, but husbands & wives are teams. You BOTH have to be in agreement w/one another, esp. with the child care situation. Do nothing without ENTHUSIATIC joint agreement as far as career, kids, etc.. His hopes? His dreams? His calling? Sounds to me like HE made a choice 15 years ago in favor of having a wife & kids - That IS a calling, not a sideline job.

Nope, would not be okay with that. It may not even be an option for him at his age and the amount of time he has been out, the Army is looking at cutting 50,000 soldiers this year. The National Guard is doing no better. Deployments for those in the Guard are near 18 months long because of the six month training period before actually leaving the country (and you cannot accompany him during this time) If it's not a poverty or military situation I would not touch it with a 10 foot pole. (My husband is two months away from leaving active duty Army having served 10 years, we are both former guardsmen. I got out, he went active duty) Benefits are getting cut, they are talking about a military pay freeze and it's just going downhill from there. It's all up to the both of you, but get ready to be a married single parent if he goes in. (Also military insurance sucks. It's free but the quality of care is just no good and the schools our kids have had to go to suck, because the land value around military bases are terrible) Stay put and see if he can change up his life in a safer way. Good luck!

Also, Kaida P makes a wonderful point. Shutting up and going with whatever whim your husband has is not the thing to do right now. This will affect you and your kids in a HUGE way. Your kids will have to say bye to daddy for a year at a time while kids at school always ask them if they are afraid their dad will get blown up while fighting. We are getting out because this is tearing my 8 and 4 year old to pieces and they've been through this their whole lives. This is NOT the place to demurely support just because. This is huge, you can't go back on it once you decide, and you're family is no longer priority number 1 to your husband. The Army makes it that way (By the way, for all who don't know, the National Guard is a branch of the Army) Doesn't matter what is going on at home, ever. You deal with it alone while he is half way around the world. Military spouses come second, always and without exception.

Nope, I wouldn't be okay with it. Especially since you guys discussed how you didn't want a military life prior to this, and ESPECIALLY since he would be deployed. Considering your situation with your daughter, I would have a very hard time with it, if I were in your shoes!

You are a team and he needs to hear each one of your concerns.

If he has a good job, good pay, and etc. I think I may be asking him why he wants to do this? Is it a sense of needing to feel apart of that again, does he miss being in the military? What are his reasons for wanting to that?

He needs to consider that its not just him it would be affecting. It would affect the whole family. Sure its just 2 weekends a month but thats still time away from his family, and what if he gets deployed? Has he been deployed before? Its not an easy job. Especially for the wife.

Yes, you should support your husband in things, but he needs to truly look deep down at the pros and cons, and why he wants to do it or is thinking about it.

Being a military wife is one of the hardest things a woman can go through, I would know. I stuck by my husband for many years while he was active duty and while he was away deployed in Afghanastan while I was home pregnant and alone, and for months after my son was born. It was extremely hard, and not something I would want to go through again.

Its a major decison, and not something for people to just say "You should just support him, and suck it up" It doesnt work like that. Its a big thing, and no one truly knows how hard it is, unless you have already been a military wife, and family.

I hope that whatever you both decide its whats best for all of you, and that everything works out. Best of luck!

In your circumstances, NO, I would not be OK with it.

Maybe a little counseling could help you both tweak out the underlying reasons why he wants to do it (not that the reasons are right or wrong, they just are) and why you are against. It could be a way to strengthen your marriage in the long run.

Good luck!

Aahhhh the old pro and cons list.
Benefit to your family-- extra income, military benefts, educational benefits for him and the kids. At least National Guardsmen don't have to move all the time. He will need to put in his one weekend a month and 2 weeks extra training every year. And if he stays in to complete a total of 20 yrs he can retire at full pension. Cons: he could be deployed to combat, he could be called out for national disasters (earthquakes, floods, hurricanes).
It may not be all bad military families take care of each other and often the support system is incrediblly awesome. The Military takes care of family members and since you now have a special needs child the beefits may out weigh the cons. But you have to make this decison carefully.

I would let mine go into the miltary, I would let him go back on active duty.
Guaranteed paycheck, health insurance, job security.

But I am very biased. Mine just retired after 21 years.

I also stood by mine as he retired. It was a very hard decision for him to make and he is now having regrets.

My husband is active duty national guard in Ohio, which means that he works every day at state headquarters, just like he's active duty army, but he works for our state and won't be transferred to any other state.

You live in Minnesota. Correct me if I'm wrong, but MN isn't one of the states that is often activated and continuously sending units overseas (like Ohio). Your commitment to the guard is one weekend a month and two weeks in the summer. You join a unit and drive to that unit location (if it's not close to your house) on your one weekend a month. You will not move or give up your house. Your husband will not quit his job. On the off chance that he's deployed, he'll make a LOT of money (depending on his rank when he gets back in) because his income will be completely tax free... I'm not saying this is a fair trade for sending your husband into harms way, but I'm about 99% sure you aren't going to lose your home and cut your income in half because of a deployment. And by law, his job would be waiting for him when he gets home. If you're really concerned about a deployment, he needs to find a unit that just returned from a deployment and get into that unit. They're going four years + between deployments now, and he would probably be back out by then.

Being a one weekend a month soldier (and family) in the national guard isn't necessarily signing up for "military life". I know MANY families that have never faced a deployment or a mobilization and have been in for more than 20 years. Just because he re-elists he isn't garanteed a deployment. If this is something that has been on his mind for a couple of years, it must be important to him. I wouldn't want to stand in the way of something that means so much to my husband, not to mention that it's a very honorable thing to do and a wonderful example for your children.

*And just so you know, we've been through deploments and mobilizations. It isn't fun, but I am very proud that my husband serves his country. It can't always be someone elses husband.

My husband is re-enlisting in the Marine Corps as a Reservist. It is a challenge sometimes, but he enjoys what he does and I am proud of him. Decide what is best for your family, and if it's a toss up, then stand by what he would like to do.

When I met my husband he was out of the military and considering becoming a police officer or going back into the military. I think both are noble professions.

I however do not want to live a military life or the life of a police officer's wife. I was upfront with him. I told him that I would support him if he chose to do this. But I would do so AS HIS FRIEND. I would not be romantically involved with him any longer.

He picked me and found another career. I know sometimes he misses it, but I have made sacrifices for our family too. It is part of being married.

IF he came to me now and told me that he changed his mind and wanted to re-enlist... I would be devistated. We also have a child with a medical condition ... So I completely understand what you are saying.

Nope-positively the most selfish thing he could do. He is only thinking of himself-not his family who needs him. I bet you he is in some kind of mid-life crisis, 'is that all there is?' type of mode where he is craving a little adventure. Tell him at 44 his adventure is at home with his family. Seriously-if my husband did that it would be a DEAL BREAKER! He would be gone plain and simple because at that point I would know for sure what his deal is and where his allegience is-not to us, not to his country but to himself. And honestly-this is probably the worst time to do this. Just turn on the news to see why. The middle east is going to get WAY worse in the next year I can guarantee you. I am even starting to worry about the draft-mark my words it will come. I can guarantee you that the gurads are all going to be going over as this war opens up.

My hubby is active duty. Way back when he first had to decide to reenlist he we talked, and this was the career he wanted, and I have stood by him. Why does he fill the need to serve again? Is it a call of duty to country? Or just something he thinks would be fun? If it were my hubby I would stand by him in whatever makes him happy, as I know he would stand by me in my pursuit of my dreams.

My answer to him would be... HELL NO. 15 years and three young kids later, especially one with special needs, means his commitment must be on his own family right now. Stand your ground! Good luck.

Ultimately I would stand by his decision, however, as his wife I would remind him of the phrase "You can never go home again" meaning that over time things change, we change, and our memories of how things were become a bit idealistic. There is a risk that he might find, after enlisting, that it isn't the way he remembers it being and he may or may not be happy with his decision at that point.

Well I am not the woman you want to hear from. Hubby joined for the army with my blessing. We were being called to medical school and we had no money and a baby. Yes it is hard. It is a calling. If that isn't where. You are called it won't work well.

I don't even really know how to respond to this because it seemed like a valid enough question wanting differing opinions but when I read your what happened, it seems as though you don't really care about the other view besides your own. I guess I don't get why 1 weekend a month and 2 weeks a year is such a huge deal. After all he will still have his good job, that he loves? Or do you think he loves it? Good pay, good insurance, none of that changes, unless he quits his fulltime job. I think that alot of the time when someone has served they always have that need to continue to feel like they are helping out. Would he or has he ever stood in the way of something that you have wanted to do? If he has brought it up in the past it is probably something that he is passionate about. You're right, a whole story can't ever be told from either side but I don't think questions should be asked unless you are truly willing to hear all kinds of opinions. I have 2 small children,husband active in national guard,children are 3&1 & deployments are tough but they are generally fairly short compared to what active duty families would have to go through, at least for us.And growing up I never had anyone in the military and when I met my husband he was not fulltime nor active duty. So things change, life changes, people change, it's how you and your husband deal with these changes together that determines if you will be continuing on with your journeys together or not. Good luck, I hope you can find some peace with both of your decisions.

I would LOVE it if my husband could or would re-up!! He didn't make major so he had to get out at 15 years. If he would've done the National Guard thing - he would've qualified for retirement...that's ALWAYS sweet!!

With your son's medical condition, i would opt for the military route - it's a stable income and retirement benefits.

If you don't want the military life - you two need to sit down and weigh the pro and cons of your situation. No one here has walked in your shoes....i'm saying what I (italicized, bolded, underlined) would do. I LOVED the military life and miss it VERY MUCH!! I was born and raised in it!! married it too!!! So you need to ask him WHY he feels so strongly about this NOW and find out HIS expectations.

I'm not sure with his age if he'll be able to re-up. I don't know - it's been way too long for me to be able to answer that question. But bottom line - you two need to talk about what you are looking for out of life and why he wants to do this. You NEED to understand WHY he wants to do this - because you don't want it - you may not be LISTENING to him and HEARING what he wants and needs.

If he's looking to be a weekend warrior - why not?! after completing his 20 year time - you'll get an extra paycheck in the mail every month that will help nicely with retirement!!

I wish you luck in finding a compromise that works for you and your marriage.

Wow, I could have written this myself. My husband is 41 and has been out about 20 years. Good job, great pay, nice house, 2 kids, insurance - he would love to re-enlist. I too am not on board. It's just not what I want for my life. For him, he usually talks about it when he's having a tough time at work and it usually lasts a few months. I remind him that it's not going to be like when he was 18 and hanging out with his buddies. This time around he is the "old guy". For him, it's more of something fun and youthful, not so sure it is that he really just wants to "serve his country". If that were the case, I would be more inclined to say OK.

Are you sure he still qualifies? You might look up the age requirements. He may be too old. Not sure though.
I agree that you should support whatever he decides to do. However, he needs to weigh the cost to you and your children. He doesn't need the money or insurance. Why does he want to do this? What benefit does he gain out of it? He has already served his country, so he shouldn't have feelings of not serving. It is my opinion that a man is foolish if he doesn't consider his wife's opinion on a huge decision like this.

I would feel the same way you do. Plus you just adopted a special needs child and you will need your husband more than ever. I guess I would try and understand it from his perspective, genuinely put yourself in his shoes and tell him so. But explain that you need him, and not in a way that he could construe as controlling, and why. Maybe you could compromise? My DH is a firefighter and a lot of his crew is ex-military. It's a good transition for many of them. Maybe your husband could look into a volunteer department if he's interested and you don't mind.

I agree with you. In between the lines I think you are saying you discussed this before children and he said he didn't want to do military anymore. Now you have 3 kids and one with a disability. I wouldn't want to be left alone to care for our kids. And if he has a good job, insurance and so forth, one has to wonder his reasons. Aside from serving his country, which he already did, what is his strong urgency to sign up again? Some people aren't suited to military life/marriage. If you feel strongly about this you need to sit and talk without emotion your reasons (written) down why you would prefer to keep things as they are and equally give him time to tell you why he wants to go back. And NO you shouldn't suck it up and do it cause he is your husband. This is a partnership. I wish you luck and please keep us posted.

Yes, I would be ok with it.
When I met my ex-husband he had been out for 9 years. We talked about why he joined, what he did, etc etc etc. It was all just talk, just like he asked what my previous jobs were, etc. So then we get serious, and end up getting married. Now he had always been very proud of his service, and loved to tell stories from those days...but then one day it came out as...I want to re-enlist. I told him I would fully support that decision.
My reasons were..
A) I would never want my spouse to not be supportive of whatever my dreams were....even if it were to be something that is completely off the wall.
B) With people like my ex...I feel they get out of the service for whatever reasons, but it never fully leaves their heart, and they feel a "need" so to speak to re-enlist.
With those two combined I was supportive and gave him the go ahead.
Thats just my personal experience with it, but again i'm not in your situation. Reading the whole "promise broken," comment, theres obviously more to it, and like you said you can't include everything. I know your not isolated in your reactions, there are tons of women who would say no, so your not alone.
This is a tough situation, and I hope you find a solution soon.

I just had to respond, because my hubby and I went through this, too! My dh was in the MarineCorps for 15 years. He went to Kuwait for Desert Storm, but that was before I met him. I actually found out I was pregnant 2 days after he left for his annual AT, then had to wait a whole week to tell him he was going to be a daddy! We lived in Minneapolis at the time, and had no family to help out on reserve weekends. I was also on my own for two weeks each summer, for AT. I had three kids in three years and it was a huge sacrifice for me. I didn't complain, because he was doing something so incredibly important and I was extrememely proud of him!

We moved to Georgia, where dh remained in the IRR(inactive ready reserve-not sure if all the terminology is the same for Nat.Guard). He kept talking about wanting back in. I never said anything, because I didn't want to be the person who kept him from it, then later regretting it. However, I was not encouraging, either. Every time he tried to re-enlist, something got in his way. We then moved to Wisconsin and later Ohio. He talked to a recruiter in each state, and there was road block after road block. Dh's dad ( a former Marine, himself) told him to knock it off. He was a dad and husband who was needed at home. I still said nothing. Finally, it was evident that there were road blocks for a reason. It was not supposed to be for him. I was lucky, in that those obstacles were completely out of my control. I didn't have to be the one who said no. If he had been able to re-enlist, I'm fairly confident it would not have been a good move for our family. We are extremely busy and, again, have no family anywhere close by.

Eventually, even dh said the USMC wouldn't probably take him back. He's not some spring chicken! I understand your husband's desire. I wasn't in the military, but my dh has made it very clear, the sense of duty and pride in serving. I think it's incredibly noble, but at some point, it has to be resolved that the time was served. He did 15 years and served his country. Going back now is kind of like a high school football player trying to relive the glory days. It's WAY more important, of course. But, would he really be as effective at this time in his life? Who needs him more? I say YOU do. It's not like you have kids in middle/high school who are pretty much take care of themselves. These are still formative years for your children, which is not even taking into consideration the needs of your 3 year old. No. As much as I support my husband and love the fact that he is so patriotic, I would NOT be ok with your situation. Maybe a different approach? .......... I'm sure you have told him how proud you are of his sense of duty. I would really explain how noble you think that is. However, this is not the time. There is no shame in having served 15 years!!!!! That's a lot of sacrifice he's put in! At this stage of the game, home is where he needs to be. If he is insistent, I would pray for roadblocks!!!!! In my heart of hearts, I really didn't want dh to re-enlist. I guess my prayers were answered when no matter what hubby tried, he was unable to do it. My prayers go out to you and your family. I hope your husband rethinks his desire!!
Good luck!

I realize this is an old question, but I stumbled upon it and was really surprised by the responses. My husband is a Major (Army), has been in 13 years, and is currently deployed. We have three kids 5, 3, 7 months--and the 3 year old has a complex congenital heart defect. I realize that less than 1% of Americans actually wear the uniform, but I was shocked at the "my husband isn't going to leave my family and go to war" attitude. Where would we be if every spouse or parent had that attitude? Thank God for the amazing men and women who feel that calling and volunteer to serve their country!

Next time you (meaning anyone who responded to this question) have the honor of seeing a service member, remember to thank them for defending our freedoms--a job you're not willing to do.

I like what Kate B said...it can't always be someone elses husband...

I have absolutely no experience to relate here but I wonder if you did say yes, if he would really follow through. Like another writer said, maybe he would come to his own understanding about his home obligations. it might be easier to want it if he has you "holding" him back. Stil, it's a risk. He may follow through.The bigger question is what is the long term effect of this disagreement on your marriage. Will he turn this against you in other areas of your life. Will it eventually divide you in anyway? I don't envy your situation. I would certainly not want my husband to re-enlist, but it was also be hard to live with him if he think I didn't fully support his decision. You are in a rock and hard place.

It sounds like a convenient excuse for him to run away. Could he possibly have regrets about adopting a special needs child? Re-enlisitng is a good excuse to leave and put the guilt on you for not supporting him for wanting to serve his country. JMHO.

Considering all that you've said - a new child at home with special needs, and that you aren't struggling financially, and that he would most likely deploy - I would say NO, this is not a good time for your husband to have military obligations. Having said this, I am all for military - my husband just re-enlisted yesterday! BUT, we had run out of other options, we have been financially unstable and had no health insurance for over two years now. We have been using WIC to get through each month with enough milk and eggs for our kids, and using state insurance for their medical needs, and my husband has been working crazy hours for minimal pay where we hardly see him. For us, the military is offering stability; for you, the military would be taking it away I understand that having less stability is the greatest sacrifice of being a military family (we were active duty when we were dating, and have been reserves most of our marriage), but it sounds like you need him home right now and the sacrifice would be more than the benefit.

I can tell you what it's like from a military kid's perspective, as well as a sibling. My dad has been in the national guard for 27 years. he's been deployed state-side once and overseas 2 times in that time. The overseas part is the hardest, but he loves what he does. He has amazing benefits, great job security (he is national guard full time), and good pay. My sister has been in for about 8 years. She is also full time national guard, enjoys what she does and everything. it's not always an easy life, but we're lucky to have a great Family Readiness Group that is wonderful at supporting each other and helping everyone out.

I'm not sure if they would let him back in at 44. i think the cut off age is 35. he might want to check into that too.

The answer is no. He's done enough and it's time to focus on the kids. The NG tends to deploy even for than their AD counterparts, and at this stage of life, there is no excuse for wanting to go back in, simply to "take care of soldiers."

I've seen what deployments can do to family -- and while the paycheck is nice, the fact is the kids need their father. To all the sudden do this is just idiotic. Tell him we've got the military quite taken care of, and we don't need him. His kids need him more.

Besides, he's been out for 15 years, I doubt he'll be able to pick it back up just like that. He should stay where he is wanted and needed -- and that's with his family.

You know what I'd say? "Hells NO!"

I'm sorry, I would seriously consider divorce if I was in your position and my husband enlisted in the military. Who's going to take care of those children while he's gone? And there's a WAR for pete's sake!

I don't think that I can possibly make clear how NOT OK I would be with this. Not fair to you, not fair to the kids, NOT something that someone who is part of a _partnership_ does without the other partner being totally okay with.

NO! But maybe the military has good insurance?
Maybe show him photos of wounded vets and remind him that we are still fighting two wars.

John Lennon sang about loving one another and loving the world. However, when it came to his kids he was MIA. People need to take care of home first before you take care of your country.

My hubby and I had this conversation about him re-enlisting, 8 yrs after he was out. We were open and honest with each other and I told him I would support him, whatever he decided. Hubby decided on his own that he wasn't a young unattached kid anymore...he was a father and a husband and he had responsibilities to us now...he had already fulfilled his obligation to our country. I was so relieved! I really didn't want him to go! We weighed all the pros and cons together and I left the decision up to him...I didn't want to be responsible for holding him back from doing something he felt he was 'destined' to do! *If he was an unattached person back then he absolutely would have went back in, I know it with all my heart!

~I feel your feelings are more than valid.

I'm with you Becky. I would be very strongly opposed to my husband doing that (is there a stronger term than strongly opposed???). I would not want to be left home alone to take care of the house and children. That would be a huge burden for one parent to carry alone! And what about your child that you just adopted - wouldn't that be hard for him to bond with the child? All that is best case scenario.... worst case you leaves you as a widow. Sorry, I know that is not encouraging. My point is that no, you are not the only wife who would feel that way. I hope that you two can continue to talk it out. Hopefully he will realize that his family needs him more than his country does.

Updated

I'm with you Becky. I would be very strongly opposed to my husband doing that (is there a stronger term than strongly opposed???). I would not want to be left home alone to take care of the house and children. That would be a huge burden for one parent to carry alone! And what about your child that you just adopted - wouldn't that be hard for him to bond with the child? All that is best case scenario.... worst case you leaves you as a widow. Sorry, I know that is not encouraging. My point is that no, you are not the only wife who would feel that way. I hope that you two can continue to talk it out. Hopefully he will realize that his family needs him more than his country does.