My Husband Undermines My Authority with My 23 Month Old. Help!

I'm a ____@____.com, so, my 1st instinct is for you to go into his office and start telling him how to do his job! :) But, that's just cuz I'm a jerk. :) Don't do that. :)
Serisouly though, I recomend taking a parenting class as a couple. Do a little research before hand and find one that you can have confidance in. It will validate some of your points so you will have an "expert" opinion backing you up. Be prepared to lose some of those points to your husband however. And every good class is going to touch on the need for a cohesive parenting plan. So, that will help back you up as well. And hey, you might just learn something new too!

Honestly I kind of see both sides.

First, I dislike the Ferber method since it has been linked to failure to thrive in some infants. Also I'd be worried about the possible dangers of vomiting. You don't have to take my word on this, but please talk to your pediatrician about this (your son "making himself throw up") at your son's two year well child visit.

That being said, I think it is ok to have "mini" time outs where you don't pay attention or make eye contact. For example I would place my toddler in the playpen for two minutes for biting.

Maybe find some parenting books/method you can both endorse. I like the No Cry Sleep Solution and the No Cry Discipline solution. My sister likes the Happiest Toddler on the Block. I'm sure your local library has a whole section of parenting/discipline books. Most experts talk about importance of consistency, so maybe if your husband reads it himself- you can bookmark certain passages- it will help him be more comfortable with the method you choose.

Some hospitals and BabiesRUs stores even offer free parenting classes, so you may want to look into what resources are available in your area. If your husband has a chance to ask questions about his concerns that might help put them to rest.

Good luck!

Maybe the problem is, is that you say you are the primary caregiver. You both should give equal care and then maybe your husband would understand your methods better.

By the way, the Ferber method, in my opinion, is horrible.

I see both sides here, and think you guys are just not communicating your sides to each each other very well.

He needs to go sit down somewhere. he's at work all day so he's dealing with his own feelings about not being able to see him allday. it seems to me that men always have an opinion about something they don't have to deal with all day long like we do. tell him he needs to respect your methods because you are at home with him all day and he has no idea how your son is when he does not get his way. and if you spoil him to much you will have a much bigger problem on your hands when he gets older. and your son is going to start noticing that there is a rift in parenting styles and use that to his advantage. so you and your husband need to get on the same page quick! good luck

I suggest you let daddy have a few days with your son. Time for momma to go get her toes done for a few hours and let daddy handle little one for a day. He needs to understand that children do manipulate situations and will do anything to get their way. If you do not set boundaries, your son will have problems adjusting to discipline later in life.

So, again sit down with your husband and go over your parenting styles. This does not mean you dictate the parenting style. This means you both voice how you feel your son should be raise. After that, take a momma day or two and let daddy feel the pain a bit.

Good luck!

I have a problem with you being the primary caregiver. You are both parents. You just happen to be the one who is with your son all day, but his dad is a parent, too, and his ideas and beliefs should be respected. Did you decide together from the beginning that you would use the techniques you're using or did you decide on your own? I don't mean to sound harsh because I did that exact thing. I did what I wanted with my son and never really asked my husband. My husband isn't one to make waves so he didn't say anything unless our son began crying. Then he would step in and do a little like your husband. It caused us some real problems for a while until I learned(and am still learning) that his beliefs about parenting aren't the same as mine. He deals with the kids differently than I do and that's ok as long as you agree on the big stuff like what to do when he bites or hits or something like that. You have to learn to compromise and that doesn't mean your husband listens to what you want to do and then does it. It means to sit and talk about what you both think is appropriate for your son, but realize you may still handle things differently. You will never completely agree on everything, but as long as your child knows that you work together and support one another, everything will be fine. I, also, don't think a 23 month old will intentionally throwup. You need to drop the Ferber method and come up with something that works for your child, you and your husband. We tried this method with our oldest, it worked great. With my second it was a failure because he is so hard headed, but that's just who he is, so we took a different approach and everyone is happy. Good luck!

Great advice below and even though you didn't ask for a book. . . .
Two good books to consider reading as a couple - Kid CEO and Brining Up Boys.
Helped a TON in our household.

I didn't read the other responses so sorry if repeat but first, I wouldn't EVER argue in front of the child. You and your husband need to have a talk when the child is sleeping or away. You need to really sit down and tell him how he is making you feel and why you have been doing it "your way". REALLY listen to him and ask him why he thinks you're being mean, etc. Then I would ask him if he would read some parenting books with you (Kid CEO is a great one, The No Cry Discipline Solution book is great too) Kid CEO is more of a marriage one but it would be great in your case and does have some discipline in it (it is Christian based but you wouldn't have to be a Christian to get value from it but just telling you). Then once he realizes that your way really is a better method for ridding the tantrums (most books will say to do what you're doing but you don't want to come across to your hubby that way or it will get you no where!) hopefully he will come around to realize that if you don't put an end to the tantrums now you will have a 3, 4, etc. year old still throwing them! Good luck, the key here imo is LOTS of private talking, reading and talking about that together and then doing "parent reviews" periodically to make sure y'all are on the same page. Good luck!

I agree that it is unhealthy to fight in front of your son..so don't! You have a choice about whether or not to confront your husband when he disagrees with you. Take your disagreement to another room; save it for another time.

There has been a lot of very concerning research on the Ferber Method and other methods which withhold comfort. Please look into this before continuing. Your son throwing up is not normal and definitely unhealthy. Every kiddo is different, so we should be extremely cautious to use a one-size-fits-all approach.

M.,
No offense, but your husband needs to suck it up, grow a pair..
As long as your son gets his way everytime he throws a tantrum the longer he will do them. I'm sure everyone has an opinion on this, but from what I've learned is that I'm the boss! We won't talk to our son if he is whining or crying. When he is calm, we listen to him. If we say no and he goes into tantrum mode, he gets nothing the rest of the day. Once you stand your ground a few times, your son will stop acting that way.
My husband and I talk about how to handle our son all of the time. We don't always agree, but we never overide the other. By coming in and saving your son you husband is teaching your son that he can pit you two against one another. NOT GOOD!
talk to your husband and stand firm. Make sure he knows when he does that, there will be a price to pay.. Personally, I would make mine sleep outside with the dog. lol

Good luck and God Bless