My Husband Thinks Our 9 Mo. Daughter Hates Him.

Your 9 month old doesn't know love or hate at this point. She only knows that when she has a need (hungry, dirty, etc) that someone takes care of her. You've been the primary care giver by breast feeding and probably by being on maternity leave. Being that you just weaned her off the breast and she's now taking a bottle it will take her some time to get used to the new routine. Your husband needs to realize this. Also, in my experience, babies just tend to be more attached to Mom then they are to dad for various reasons. He just needs to keep at it. How about he plays with her or makes goofy faces or reads to her while your holding her or feeding her? The more she interacts with Dad the faster this will pass and before you know it, you'll be writing Mamasource asking why your little girl is more attached to her Dad then she is to you! I've seen it with my own daughter who is now 3. As a baby she was very attached to me but now, it's all about Daddy. If he gives up and shows frustration your daughter is going to feel that and by default not feel as safe with him and it'll become a vicious cycle.

Lastly, your husband needs to realize that this child is not the same as his older daughter. And if you guys have another baby, that child will be totally different as well. She's her own individual person and if he keeps at it and makes it a priority to be an active and involved Daddy his little baby girl is going to adore him no matter what. And if he is really bothered by the relationship he has with his 14 year old he needs to address that with her and with her mother and work to rebuild that relationship, no matter what it takes.

Good luck. This isn't abnormal, you'll see cycles of this over and over again and he just needs to realize this is part of raising a child. Sometimes he'll be the favorite and sometimes he won't be. Withdrawing and throwing his hands up in frustration is only going to make matters worse.

Edited to say: One more thought, how about you find a day to go hang out with friends or get some spa treatments or whatever and give Daddy and daughter some time alone. She may still cry but with time they'll figure it out.

I am so sorry that your husband feels that way! Every child goes through cycles where they prefer one parent over the other. Right now, my 1 year old wakes up through out the night, and if my husband tries to go get her, she thrashes around and head-butts him so that he actually cannot hold on to this twenty pound little girl! But there are times when I just can't get her to go to sleep and she just cuddles on him and closes her eyes. All you can do is tell him that this too shall pass! Good luck!

I am having the exact same experience with my husband and 9 month old. My daughter responds to me differently than she does to my husband. My problem is that my husband is now starting to pull away because he is frustrated and thinks that the baby doesn't like him. I think that most babies have a certain bond with their mother that is special. Eventually, however, they will also go through a "daddy" phase where he will be the one on a pedestal.

I reassure my husband and tell him that he just needs to keep playing and interacting with her as much as possible in order to develop his own relationship with our daughter. My baby also went through a phase for about 2 weeks where she would cry to go to my mom if I was holding her and my mom was around. I just don't stress it-I know that it will all just come around. And heck, just wait until they are teenagers-they won't like ANYONE!! Hee hee.

Good luck!

You're husband is a little overly sensitive right now, but I understand how he feels because of how things went with his older daughter. He and baby just need some time. Reassure him of that. The baby does not truly hate him, she is just so used to you. The idea of you getting out and leaving them to bond is a great idea. The more he gets involved with her, regardless of his feelings, the more she will latch onto him. Also, do not think about wanting that second child yet. Work out the kinks now and hubby will be much more responsive to you talking about baby #2 when he feels secure with baby #1.

I think dad's insecurities are in overdrive, here, but I can understand that it is hard not to feel rejected when you love someone so much, and they go to you as a second choice.

My husband had some jealousy because I nursed, and we bought a mei tai (soft baby carrier) and would put my son to sleep every night. This way Finn learned that daddy means comfort, too. Mommy means food (probably why she cried when he tried to feed her, she hasn't learned that he can do it yet, and is used to you). It was really great for them to bond, and helped their relationship a lot. You can get a mei tai on ebay for pretty cheap, I recommend the seller called beanslings, they are the best quality I have found.

I hope this helps, it's totally normal for dad to feel out of the equation sometimes, but as she gets older mommy will be for snuggling and daddy will be for playing, and soon the tables will be turned. They certainly are at our house.

I hope your husband can adjust well, I would just encourage him to put her sleep in the mei tai, feed her whenever possible during the day until she gets used to it, and bathe her as well, so she gets more hands-on daddy time and isn't so skiddish with him.

Another thought-- weaning is very hard on kids, and she is going to need more mommy time until she is okay being independent. This also might be part of the problem for a few more weeks until she adjusts. It took my son a long time after weaning to settle in to bottles and stuff, so keep this in mind, and talk to him about it.

Hope this helps!

C.

That's a really tough scenario, but one that is VERY common. Your daughter does not hate her father. She's just experiencing normal seperation anxiety. Your husband should above all relax, know it's normal devlopment, and know absolutely that it's not personal. Babies do not have the emotional ability to hate. They can have preferences but they change on a whim and have nothing to do with anything other than their own simple joys of discovery.

He should be patient and enjoy her when he can but if she wants Mom, let Mom have her. Harder for you but easier for everyone else. She will grow out of it. But he needs to keep trying and stay patient and practice unconditional love with her.

He's sadly bringing his baggage from his other relationhips into this one and this sweet baby doesn't deserve it. But it is a very rough thing for men to go through. He might benefit from talking to somone about it; a counselor, therapist, social worker, clergy. Sounds like he needs some healing and some coping skills.

Good luck,
E.

I hope you can assure your husband that this is very normal and that your daughter does not hate him. In fact, at her age she is probably incapable of hating anyone. She is most likely just in a mommy phase. My first daughter was just like yours and even continues to be that way. She loves her daddy very much and there is no one she would rather play with, garden with, laugh with, etc. but when it comes to bedtime or being comforted, she wants her mommy. I have found from experience that it is very normal for babies to want their moms for comfort, especially when they were breastfed. Even now when my daughter (now almost 3) wakes up occasionally in the night from a bad dream if my husband goes in to try to comfort her she most often will ask for me. However, during the day she loves being with her daddy and is his little pal.

This has nothing to do with your husband, but more to do with you. She's 9 months old and typically, babies that age just gravitate more to the person that is the primary caregiver, especially in the middle of the night. All three of my kids went through this. They still cycle between the two of us - sometimes they like me more, and sometimes they want to hang out with Daddy. I will tell you with no doubt though - at 5, 3.5 and 19 months, the first person they call for in the middle of the night is me. And especially the 19 month old will not be satisfied with Daddy coming in to him. Otherwise, they love Daddy, he's the big play person. They have LOTS of fun with him, but they still come to me and only me for some things. My biggest suggestion is to get out of the house when you can and leave them together. They will develop their relationship without you around, and that will make their bond stronger. Good luck!

M.,
I don't have anything more to add that someone else hasn't already said. I would like to to say I was laughing out loud at some of the stories though (because they are so close to mine). I hope they put a smile on your face, you should have your husband read them too and maybe he will realize how normal this phase is. My husband was mortified when our first son did things like this but the 2nd time around it wasn't as hard for him. Our 2nd son would wake up crying, my husband would try and comfort him and our son would scramble to the back corner of the crib and scream "NO! MAMA!" over and over until I came in to get him.

My husband is home with our daughter during the day so we don't really have this problem. What you can try though it when she needs comfort or it is time to eat, both of you go and slowly work it so that daddy is the one that does it all. She will pick up that daddy is comfort and food as the others say. If she is like my older girls, there will be a day that she will only want her daddy. Good luck.

It is very common for a baby/toddler to favor the mother over the father. We went through the exact same situation (and I even posted on Mamasource to try to get some help), and my husband felt exactly the same way your husband does. It got to the point where I felt like my stomach was in a knot everytime my husband came home because she wouldn't go near him and would cry and cry. I finally called my doctor's office and the nurse there recommended that I go out two nights a week and a couple hours on Saturday/Sunday and let them have time together. I did that and honestly, it took a really long time for her to finally come around, but she did. She is now 3-1/2 and although she still has her moments when all she wants is mommy, she is more and more about wanting to be with daddy. It has become a weekly event for them to go to Menard's together every Saturday or Sunday morning and let Mommy sleep. I think it would benefit both of you to let them have some Daddy Time together - and this way, you get a break, too! Please try to stress to your husband that it is not personal AT ALL. Hang in there - I know how very heartbreaking it can be for everyone. :-)

I think that it is a normal phase that many babies seem to go through. I have heard this many times and it's always right around 9 months. My son did it, and pretty much all of my friends kids did too. somehow it seems that the babies at that stage just need the comfort of their caregiver, and most often it's mommy at the beginning. Pretty soon she'll be mobile and it will be all about him, and you'll be the one who is feeling neglected. The minute My husband gets home, you'd think he walked on water. My son wont even let me put him to bed anymore...he only wants Daddy. I only get love if he's not feeling well anymore. Luckily we have a 4 month old however who is taking up a lot of my time, so it's working out right now. It will get better. Just be supportive of your husband and pay some extra attention to him. This is not going to last.

On the weekends you might want to think about leaving the two of them alone together for an hour or two so that she must depend on him. If he's the only one there, she'll let him do the feedings, changing, & play with him, etc., and it'll will give them time to bond alone. My hours are a little odd at work, and two nights a week my husband and daughter are alone for most of the evening. This has been a great sitution for all 3 of us. Over time she's learning to depend on him even when I am there, but I can tell you there certainly have been times when he's felt hated by her.

I'm sorry, this must be very hard for you. From the time my son was born until he was about 7 months old, all he did was cry. Because of one health problem after another, he had 2 modes, very serious or crying. I remember a few times thinking, gosh this baby really doesn't like me. But that was just because of all the anxiety and stress from the crying and health problems. Never did I feel he "hated" me though.

I see where your husband is getting these feelings from but babies at that age don't know what hate is, or to not like someone. Babies get attached and bond to nursing mothers, this is one of the key components to successful nursing. Please reassure him that your little baby is just getting adjusted to bottles and him being able to feed her. She has only known you to be the food source and some children are much more reactive to changes in routine or schedules and she very well may be one of these babies.

Babies fuss, cry and whine with anyone, him included. Does he feel that daddy time is only happy time? Because that's pretty unrealistic for someone to think. Maybe because of the pent up feelings about his older daughter and the time it's been since he had a baby, has he forgotten what it's like to be with a newborn. Sometimes babies cry just to cry and it has nothing to do with the person they're with. She may have gas or is just tired of playing. They have no other form of communication so crying is all she has for everything she's trying to tell you.

He needs to relax a little. Maybe you can go find a book that's for dads to prepare them for a new baby or perhaps there's a book out there for parents who have older children and are becoming a parent again. And maybe he needs someone professional to talk to about his feelings with his older daughter. It's not fair of him to put this on a new baby that doesn't know right from wrong and can't possibly have feelings one way or the other about him. This could possibly carry over until she's much older which could present a much bigger problem. I would try to talk and work through this with him because this cannot become a reoccuring problem. And the stress he's placing on you about it is unfair also.

We had a similar problem with our son. In our case it was because through default I was the one who regularly got our son ready for bed, and into bed. Dad was not involved in the routine due to work schedules... when he tried to help out, our little guy pitched a fit.

Kids are very dependent on schedules and routines. They like the order, they like knowing what to expect next... it gives them comfort and security.

That being said, we struggled to phase Daddy into that routine when his schedule allowed it. I found an article that suggested to gradually add Dad to the routine. It took some time, but here's what they suggested.
1. Have Dad in the room observing, getting familiar with how you do things, and the order that you do them. You could even make a chart for ALL of you to follow (e.g. bath, jammies, bottle, stories, cuddle, sleep), and when she's older she can help follow it... our son loves it.
2. After awhile (a few days or so), instead of Mom reading the story, have Dad read the story while Mom and baby listen, or have during bottle time, but while Mom still has the baby.
3. Once Baby is okay with Daddy in the room, involved indirectly, then start getting Daddy involved with the actual routine WITH Mom. Change the diaper together, put the jammies on together, all cuddle together to read the book and give the bottle.
4. The next phase is to then have Daddy begin to take over some of that routine while Mommy is in the room, but not doing the routine.
5. Daddy gradually assumes more of the routine, while Mom reduces her direct involvement... until Baby is comfortable.

It is a form of behavior modification, but it does work. It worked for us! This is a process, but it does reduce stress for your baby AND you, while easing Dad into the routine and getting her comfortable with him being there and doing things with her. This is a phase... he is not alone! By the time your daughter is 4 or 5 it'll be all about Daddy! Daddy/Daughter dates on the same night every week would be a great way to celebrate their time together!

Hi, my second child, my son, would not go to anyone for the first 9 months, only mommy. When my husband came home from work my son would see him and cry everyday! Our 3'rd is now 6 months and is great for daddy, except for sleeping and feedings. I nurse her and would pump and hubby would give hrer a bottle. Well, she has refused a bottle for 2 months now. When she gets upset only I can calm her. I do workout of the home,so I'm with her all day. Let your husband know, it will all pass. My husband used to get offended, but now knows, it's just a phase and it will pass. All of our kids, 7, 3, and 6 mos., always prefer mommy for bed times and comforting, but they do cuddle with daddy every night too. Just give it time, soon she will be following daddy trying to mow the lawn and help him with everything.

I would have to agree with Jen! When I was younger and was babysitting a lot, I had this one client who had a 13 month old that JUST HATED me. She would go to her sister no problem (who was 10) but never to me. Until just one day noone else was there and there was no choice. Then she wouldn't let me rest! Babies know what they know and like what they know and do not like what they don't know! Wether it be a sitter or another parent! Tell your Hubs not to stress to much! Leads me to another point of when my daughter was small small and I worked and her father stayed home...she hated ME! And I am the one who gave birth! Hm! The nerve I know! But of course the longer she got to see me on weekends when I would kick her Dad out...the closer we became!

She doesn't hate him!! My husband had the same problem with both my son and daughter at that age. He is gone a lot and the kids love him, but when it comes time to be comforted about something then it is mommy they want. My husband said it was very difficult when I was nursing and soon after. They associate you with that time. It is important for them to figure out their relationship during that time of day or evening. I would leave for short outtings (grocery shopping or just a break) and let daddy be alone with her a little while before bedtime and work out their trust and relationship. If you have a bedtime ritual (bath, pjs, story, bottle...whatever) and he is able to do that when you are not around then she will learn that he can comfort her too. Also, since he has that fear of her not liking him, be sure to focus on all the good times they do have together playing. Point out positive "first times" (sometimes I would even fibbed for his ego) "Wow, that is the first time she has ever done that! She hasn't ever done that with me, how wonderful! Look how much she trusts you." And if you know she is not feeling well or teething, don't set him up to be disappointed because the desire for mom (who has the breasts to comfort even it you aren't nursing anymore) is still very strong! If he wants to help, have him make the bottle or cuddle in bed with her together.
My daughter was just as you descriped and now (18 mos) she is the biggest daddy's girl ever! No matter what we are doing when she hears him come in the door she goes running with open arms and a huge smile "Daaadddeeee, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!!"