My Heart Breaks

Unfortunetly I don't have any advice. I am in the same situation. My 13 yo, who is not my step son yet, is bothered by my daughter, 11, texting one of his friends. We have banned her from texting him as we told them there are boundaries and if he asked you not to contact him she needs to respect that...and the same goes for him respecting her boundaries.

I would love to hear the advice you get...hopefully all will be resolved.

Wow! That's a tough one. Have you sat down and talked to both of the boys? The truth of the matter is that when your son makes a real friend they will share things in common and probably won't be comfortable with the stepson. This is a VERY rough age though. I have taught middle school in the past and watched things like this happen. They want the independence, yet they want to be the same as everyone else. It's hard for a child like your son when they clearly are different. Remind your son that he doesn't need to try to be anything different than who he is. Are there clubs or activities that your son would like that the step son would not like? Are the programs in the parks and recreation department of your city that would be of interest to the son and not the step? This is probably a better area to start his search for friends. He needs to find people who share his interests...outside of what the step son does.

This is a good time to start to teach the children to address conflict without fear. Suggest that he sit down with his brother and discuss how he feels without blame. For instance, let he could tell his brother that it really hurts his feelings when he starts to spend time with his friends without him or that he feels left out and he wants to spend time with him and the friend.

Another way to deal with issues that arise in the family is to have family meetings to address all issues that impact the family, so the thirteen year will not feel like he is put on the spot.

This is a hard time for pre teens because they are not always aware and need to be taught to address issues directly without blame.

as i see it...family is family. using the word step is a form of seperation. not to mention i notice you exclude your step son from your about me section. when you marry someone who also has a child...you need to accept that child just as i am sure you expect your husband to accept your son.

well...there is not much you can do about the friendship thing, it is absolutely normal. i had friends who liked ended up liking my siblings better but then again my siblings friends, some liked me better. same goes for my own children. my two oldest who are 10 months apart and in kindergarden and trust me...i hear them all the time complaining when their friends switch who they like. it will be a never ending cycle. just let it ride out...he will end up finding true friends. as to one persons opinion about not letting one stay the night unless the other goes...that will only cause problems between the boys. you cant force other children to choose who they have to like. so if the "friend" invites one of the boys over...let it be. its not like that "friend" is the only other kid in the school. you should encourage your son to make more friends at school.

I like Pat's suggestion of helping your son with expressing his feelings (conflict resolution techniques) and I do agree with what Vitalia is saying. Check out the book SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY (they are siblings and you should do what you can to encourage that bond, since they will have each other forever.)

I sympathize with your son (I was that child when my 1 yr younger biological sibling "took" my friends from me.) My sister is soooo different from me (night & day). I used to joke I couldn't believe we shared the same womb and she joked that we really weren't her "real" family. I'm quiet, calmer, responsible and she wasn't (yes and no). Over the years we have gotten into fights. If we were "friends" I would have dropped her like a hot potato years ago and vice versa. But b/c we "can't" we've grown into our relationship and we love and appreciate our differences. Encourage that with your boys. Don't turn this into an Us (me and him) against him.

I know you are sad. But instead of facilitating a victim mentality (I have to watch myself also with that with my 8 yr old), you can help him problem solve, think of a solution... or he can start coming up with his own also. The book HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK is a great resource for this. (There is also a Teen version.)
http://tinyurl.com/yte2dn
There was a girl on the corner (Dawn) who I used to play with (I was 12) then my sister started hanging out with us and for some strange reason, they really hit it off and I let it go. They became "best friends" and remained so for years and years. I wasn't really invited back, but I let it go at the time. I might have been hurt for 5 minutes (OK, maybe longer than that... it prob bugged me more, but I did not let it eat me up), but I guess I realized at the time Dawn wasn't a person * I * connected with and it wasn't worth my time. There were a few instances growing up where my friend became her friend too and the way I saw it, I thought it was a good thing she was accepted and liked and the world was big enough for my friend to share US (and my friend had many other friends besides me).

My 8 yr old complains that when he goes to a friends house and there is another friend there, he is ignored. So I and the mom came up with a 1-on-1 playdate, so nobody feels left out. Is your stepson there FT or PT? Can your son call his friends on his own w/o his brother? Good luck and please keep us posted. Again, I highly recommend those books, both written by the same authors.

From: D. K

Well I have two boys both are mine but my oldest 16yr old and his friend get along fine. My youngest 14yr loves to tag along with them and my onldest one hates it! Well my explanation was that they could both be his friend but because they are brothers if one spent the night so would the other. Don't let your step son spend the night with out his step brother(yr son) for your son meet him first. Explain to your step son that he can play with his step brothers friends but not spend the night with out his brother. Maybe if they hang out together their relationship as brothers will grow. Remember to let your husband know that if your step son is invited to sleep over with your son's friend he should go to and if not neither one should go over. Life is hard and you need to let them know that when you and your husband (hopelfully not) pass away soon they will have each other to support each other so they need to learn to get along with each others friends. I hope this can help your S.:)

I have seen the same situation happen with bio-siblings...kids too close in age to not compete! I also imagine that this has happened no more than 2-3 times, but I understand that one time is enough to break any Mom's heart. I would insist that they all play and get along together when they are in your house. I would also make sure you bio-son invites friends from his school over when your step-son is not there. It is also your job to help your bio-son get strong inside so that he learns to deal with competition in a healthy way. However, if you sense that your son does not feel loved and appreciated by his step-Dad (hopefully his bio-Dad is in the picture and makes him feel special), and this is a way for him to show some issue along those lines, it sounds like a few sessions of family therapy would help everyone involved. Good luck!

This is something that just needs to happen. You can't control things like friends now. What you can do is help him find more friends, put him in more activities, eventually he will find friends of his own. Not all kids will prefer your step son to your son. It's a pain in life that just happens. Don't favor your son, don't make him a mamas boy, just help him find more friends. It will all work out.

set rules- no bothering the other son when he has friends over, or have friends over only when the other child is not home. figure something out soon, because your son will begin to despise the other.
I just read everyone elses responses. Do not let people make you feel that you are claiming victim!! You are feeling that your son is being in a way, attacked. I think you should make a big deal out of it. It is your son's life! It is your job to help him feel safe in friendships and in HIS FAMILY! I have read the book Bringing up boys by Dr. James Dobson. There is immense amounts of research that has gone into the book. I think there needs to be firm rules in your house that protect your son and his friendships.

Dear S.,

My heart goes out to both your boys - and while they are in your care (and your husband's), they are "your" boys. Your stepson, while he is with you, has no other advocates besides you and your husband. He needs to be seen through the filter of a loving parent. I'm not saying you are not a loving person, but it sounds like you have the two clearly separated. Your stepson does not sound like he belongs to you. This could be the reason he's acting out - he knows he's coming in second. Before we can think of any solution for our chldren, I believe we must first see them lovingly - all the players. If we do not, then the most effective-sounding solution likely will fail. Yes, you may need to call up the compassion in your stepson for your son, but your calls will fall on deaf ears unless he feels you have compassion for him.

Good luck with this.
Best Wisehs,
K. Gogolewski

When your son has a playdate, try to make it a playdate where it's just the two of them. Maybe have playdates at your son's friend's place, or the park, anywhere where just the two of them can spend time together so they can first develop their friendship.

Dear S.:

I am like your stepson and my husband is like your bioson. I especially fell in love with my husband BECAUSE he is calm, witty and funny. I am loud, hyper and used to be attention-needing until I met him. My husband doesn't need a truckload of friends to be happy. He's just incredibly loyal to the ones he has.

Our son turned out just like his daddy and I love how he is. Yes, like your son, he doesn't attract everyone but I think that is a good thing. The friends who DO see his value, stick around and cherish his friendship. I wouldn't want my son to become a "pleaser" just to have more, insincere friends. I want him to be himself and to be a good friend to those who are naturally drawn to him. I also wish that for your wonderful-sounding son!

On the other hand, my daughter is a flashy, noisy girl just like her mama. But at heart, she is a loyal friend to those who seek her. There is beauty in her personality, too.

Your stepson may not seem attractive to you right now because of his neediness. Maybe as a stepmama, you will be given the privilege to help him resolve this need and hopefully through that process, you see his beauty too.

Best wishes,

M.

I feel so bad for you and all the advice that you have recieved. The reason people are so upset is because it is a touchy subject. Unfortunately, lots of children come from divorced family which result into your situation. I'm thinking maybe the moms that are faulting you are step children themselves and can relate and sympathize with your step son if that's not the case then they really don't know until they've been in your shoes. I hope this is not the last time you post here:)

I am on board with the other ladies saying there something missing between you and your step-son. Do you spend 1 on 1 time with him, or just your bio son? I have a 12 yr. old son that has a hard time making friends, so I put him church youth group, he also plays sports. But most kids of divorce or of single parents are not secure in themselves. They already have trust issues, because the 2 people they are to count on split and put the kids in the middle. Then mom or dad remarries and spends that time with a new family and the child see's it as my mom or dad left this family to raise another one, so I must not be as good as that family. Most children either go over board for attention or retract. Your son retracts and step-som is over board. But for these ladies to talk about "play dates" between teenage boys....are we looking to raise MEN or dependant little mommies boys? To take your sons side is inmature of you. Men have to make decisions and make their friends, not to say fight it out, but men do things differently from women, and boys raised prodomanetly by a woman will not know how to handle boy/man situations.

This is just a suggestion - if it sounds too tricky for you then just ignore it. What if whenever the energetic son takes the attention away from the quiet son, the quiet son then gets some of your attention. For example, if the new friend invites your energetic son to his house, you take the quiet son for some special activity that he particularly enjoys. This can do two things - give the quiet son some one-on-one time which is always a good thing for child and it might make the energetic son ease off of the quiet sons friends. Either way it can only help the quiet son, in my opinion - give him more confidence and ease his pain. Wish you the best.

I think (and what do I know) that you have no answer for your child because you really don't see the good in your stepson. Oher than that, there is a universally known truth that people just like who they like - sometimes it's because the person is different and brings other qualities to the table that you wish you had yourself, and sometimes it's that a person is just like you and enjoys the same things. It doesn't take away from your son if a kid from school enjoys your stepson's personality better. Your son is a brown shoe and the kid from school likes blue shoes. The earlier you can get your son to understand this, the better.

That being said, if I were a 12/13 year old kid I would probably enjoy being around the 'energetic' kid too. From a 13 year old perspective he seems like a lot of fun.

You don't really discuss the dynamics between your two boys, but I'm guessing it's not the greatest relationship. These kids should not be competing for friendships, but rest assured that what you describe is normal even among siblings who have the same parents. I have a large group of siblings and it was nothing for friends to start off hanging with one brother to trade off to another more compatible brother who was close in age.

You've gotten what sounds like to me, mostly great advice. I know what it feels like to have a step-child and no matter what, I never felt totally the same about her, but I really think that she never knew. I worked really hard to treat her the same as mine---but there was quite an age difference, so it was a totally diff ballpark. Anyway, I think that you need to work harder at not blaming your stepson---you wouldn't do this if it was your bio son, nor would you go to your hubby to complain about it. You might go to him to brainstorm as to what you two could do to help quieter son make and keep friends. You need to realize that those boys are liking your stepson for other reasons then you're listing. Not because he's "energetic" or hyper. Kids do not gravitate towards "hper" kids, believe me. Somehow, your stepson is just a better friend. This can be hard to hear, but in your heart you probably know this. He plays better and he's more likeable. Maybe you need to quietly observe for ahwile to see what it is he's doing compared to your son that is so different. If you can spot what your son is doing that is turning friends off (sorry!), perhaps you can help your son. Making and keeping friends really is an art and we all don't have that skill and gift. Perhaps your school offers a social skills class---many now do. Talk to your school psych, because if they don't, she might be able to refer you to one, or to a therapist who can help him in this area. If not, maybe you can get a book at Amazon about friendship/social skills geared for a tween, so you can try to help your son. Also, give him many opportunities on his own---would he be interested in Boy Scouts? Check out the troops in your area---they are all so different, so find one that has outings tailored to your son's interests. What about different (addt'l) sports? If he's not really good at baseball or whatever, spring for a few few batting/fielding lessons. Send him to day sports camp over spring break. Help him to have more opportunities to find friends by getting him involved in other (more) activities. What about karate? That is quite a confidence booster, so that might help in more ways than one. Remember, however, what you offer your son, you also need to offer your stepson (or something comparable). I also think it's important to discuss this situation with your son. Let him have an opportunity to vent his hurt, jealousy and possibly anger at his stepbrother. Empathize with him w/o criticizing your stepson. Explain to your son each child is different and some people inherently have the gift to attract and make friends, while others have to work at it. God gave us all different skills. Some boys are total jocks and struggle with academics, while others breeze thru school and struggle w/sports. Tell him it's okay that he has to work at it and you are there to help and support him. Give him stories from your own childhood if you can. Point out some of your stepson's qualities and gifts, and then point out some of your son's qualities and gifts. Let him see that they both are different, but still good. Kind of like 2 different and favorite dinners---one could be very hot and spicy and yummy, while the other could be mild and comforting and yummy---very different, but excellent. That's what your TWO sons are like. Give your quieter son whatever analogy you can find that he will relate to. Help him to discover his inner worth that he's struggling with---the more things he succeeds in, the more confident he will become and the more friends he will make. Confidence attracts. Look at him---is he wearing "cool" clothes? Does he have acne? (Get him to a dermatologist if he does!) Does he stand up straight and appear confident? These things seem so superficial, but they are all-important in the world of making and keeping friends. Also, why not work on having both boys plan some fun group outings---like pizza and laser tag? They make up a joint list, you make reservations and figure out how much it'll cost everybody and they invite their friends? They're ALL playing together having fun! Do that once a month---one time lazer tag, another time video game marathon & sleep-over, another time pizza & bowling? 12 year olds love to get out w/each other, eat and laugh! Help to foster the friendship between the boys and their joint friends in addition to helping your quieter son find other friends. It's more work on your part, but it pays off in the long run! Good luck.

Hmmm. Not to be too hard on you, and this is off topic, but it seems like you really haven't accepted your step son as your own or part of your family. You certainly haven't accepted him, his energetic personality and obviously winning ways with friends. You state that your husband likes his personality, which by default means that you do not. You use negative terms to describe him like hyper, loud, attention needing where your son only gets positives. It's clear that you're more comfortable with a boy with your son's temperment and because you had the benefit of raising him from infancy you love him unconditionally. If you can imagine that your step son was your own and you had also raised him from birth, you would learn like all parents of two children that kids are often different even raised in the same environ and with the same love. You would have learned to love his personality too, because he is yours. I hope that you can change your personal filters where these boys are concerned and try to understand why the stepson is more popular with these kids and (gulp) see what might be impeding your son's connection with them. Maybe if your step son really was accepted by you, he might not have to draw so much attention to himself to make you see him.

My son is a calm, intelligent kid and his best friend is just like your step son. For the quiet one, the boisterous one gives him wings in the world that he may never have. For the boisterous one, the quiet one is an anchor. It took me a LONG time to be able to appreciate this kid (so many broken items over time, you can't imagine) and what he brings to my son.

I really empathize with your hurt for your son. Perhaps when your step son is away (at his mother's or on a sleepover) you can invite a different friend to hang with your son. This will give them a chance to bond without the competition. Also, if your son has other interests besides sports, you could get him involved and then meet other kids through that. Make a point to invite a couple boys over together and then see if your son withdraws from the situation. Encourage him to stick with the group.

It has been my experience that boys are drawn to the energetic kid so they can experience things vicariously. We also have to give kids credit for being intelligent enough to manage their own friendships. Sometimes they get burned out by all that energy and seek quieter, more subtle fun. Be patient and keep the lines of communication open with all the parents.

I might just be reading wrong, but it really sounds like you're so upset about the situation that you're accusing your step son and you didn't put one positive word in that description while of course your details about your son were all positive. You didn't even mention your step son in the "A littl about me" section. Does he live with you? I feel there's a deeper greater issue here with your step son and to put him down isn't going to help solve the problem. I bet both boys are wonderful (and no one is perfect), just have a lot of differences and the friends that stick with your biological son are going to be the ones he needs because they'll probably have a lot more in common. Too little said above to really access anything especially about the relationship between the 2 sons, but I hope you aren't harboring resentment against a 13 yr old son of a husband you obviously love.

I would say that if at all possible, have your son go to a different school than your stepson. They will have a whole array of different friends to chose from. Also, they are probably still trying to get to know each other, so for now, maybe limit the friends to just when they are at school, and make them spend time with each other when at home. Become each other's best friend, if possible.

Hello S., my name is G. and reading your haertbreak situation brings tears to my eyes. I have a 10 year old son he was an only child for nine years, but he has 5 causins that are 2 years older than him, my son has tried to fit in but the same thing happends, he meets a little freind and the friend ends up liking the causins and then he drops my son cold. My problem now is that my son has gained weight because no one wants to play with him, I even put him in sports and they make fun of him, and guess what that does to him? My son has become an emotional eater, I notice that after he tries to make friends and their is no success, he goes home and eat everything in his path. I know that you were trying to look for a helpful advice, but your story made me feel that my son is not alone in this. I'm sorry if I vented my situation to you. Take care and be strong.

It's difficult to have siblings and there is always a little jealousy and rivalry. The degree of the jealousy and rivalry will depend upon the relationship the siblings have between each other. Your son and step son both have their own unique gifts and talents. Your step son may be "fun" (hyper and energetic)to be around and is able to make friends easily, but your son is "calm, quick witted, and funny" - both are opposites, both are wonderful! Accept the uniqueness in both. Instead of trying to change things, work with it. Work on the relationship of being brothers and friends with each other - not competing against one another.