My Ex's Girlfriend Is Moving in with Him & Our 11 Yr Old. Need Advice Please!

You asked, they answered. Just because you don't like the answer you should not ask again.

As I tell my kids...learn how to take a "no"

Best of luck!!!

You crossed the line when you called her at work. Back off. You extended the offer to meet. At this point she is not interested. Leave it alone for a while.

i understand your desire to meet the woman who will be effectively co-parenting your child.
i also understand her desire to avoid you since you borderline stalked her to get her contact information, and your strained relationship with your ex.
you're grabbing the bull by the wrong end here. you don't need to develop a great relationship with the girlfriend. you need to develop a great relationship with your ex. you are both damaging your child beyond repair with your inability to communicate, work together or parent in tandem.
think less about your 'rights' and more about making life easier for your poor kid.
khairete
S.

You need to back off.

I understand why you want to meet her. You will be co-parenting together. You need to back off. You are being unreasonable at this point.

You do NOT call her at work.
You do NOT facebook her.

You are making this about YOU instead of your son. Maybe, if you had stated, "Hey John, since Mary is going to be a bigger part of Mike's life, can all three of us meet up to discuss co-parenting together?" that would have been about your son and NOT you. that would have been reasonable. Your way of getting in her face and his face and NOT accepting "NO"??? that is NOT reasonable.

Whoa. Sorry mama, but you are way out of line in every respect here.

Calling her work phone was super inappropriate whether you felt like it was the only way to reach her or not. Actually, calling on ANY number you weren't GIVEN is inappropriate.

I understand that you want to get to know her better. I understand WHY you want that. I do. HOWEVER that's what YOU want. It isn't what everyone involved wants. It isn't a requirement, nor should it be. You would feel more comfortable if you knew her better or had spent more time with her. She and your son's father would feel LESS comfortable if she was made to spend time getting to know you. So why are your desires more important than theirs? This has nothing to do with the needs of your son, this has to do with YOUR comfort ABOUT your son which is a totally separate thing (although you seem to be having a difficult time separating the two).

You absolutely must stop trying to bully your ex and his girlfriend into this meeting. You ASKED they said "no." That's the way asking works. You have been given an answer and instead of going with it, you are harassing them in hopes they will bend to your will.

Seriously. Cut it out before one of them files for a restraining order!

I'm sure your heart's in the right place, but your behavior has got to change.

Best of luck,

T.

No is a complete sentence. Your ex told you no and so did his girlfriend by her silence. Please accept that answer. The best thing you can do is disprove anything your ex has said about you by kind behavior.

I am a step mom as well and I have 2 kids with my husband. I can tell you it's better that he is handling everything to do with his child. That's as it should be in my opinion. Your relationship involves your ex and your son. My step daughter refers to me as mom. She knows I love her and I treat her as if she were mine. Her decision to call me mom came after she became an adult. I never will forget her mother marching up to me and stating to me in front of her daughter (9 at the time), well what are your going to call her? I looked at her squarely and told her my name has been L. for a long time, let's go with that. She was looney tunes and extremely hard to deal with. Blending families is difficult under the best circumstances.

Give her some space, time and respect. Maybe she will be drawn into a relationship with you then. If not, it's just like I tell my kids, you can't make everyone like you, but you can be kind.

Also, please never bad mouth her or him to your child. It's hard enough on a kid to live in a divided home. One of my standard answers to Nickie when her mother did things to intentionally hurt her was to make sure she knew it had nothing to do with her. Her mother wasn't capable of loving people the way most define love. She had lots of therapy due to her mother's choices and the effects are long lasting.

Blessings!
L.

Welcome back to mamapedia!

I'm sorry. You were TOTALLY unreasonable. They said no. She didn't respond. The matter IS closed. You need to learn to take NO for an answer.

To be blatantly honest? You ARE stalking her. Calling her work, sending her a FB message (and keep in mind - if you are NOT friends on FB, it goes to her "other" messages and she might not have read it. Yes, I know you can tell if someone has read a message or not - check). Please STOP.

It feels like you want to inspect her. Leave it be. Do NOT bad mouth her. Do NOT talk with your son about this. You can ask your son if he had fun, what kinds of things they did, etc. If she hits your son? Well - then you have some grounds - but until then? No. You don't.

Breathe. You cannot control your ex anymore. You cannot control who comes in and out of his life outside of your home.

Stop. Please. Stop. This is NOT about you. What is your reasoning behind this? Why do you expect special treatment?

If you continue? You might get a stalker suit slapped on you. No means NO.

While it would be nice if she and your ex would choose to meet, it sounds like they are not currently open to that. Therefore, no, it is not reasonable to continue to pursue this. It sounds like she is being sensitive by not showing up at drop-offs, etc.-- some moms actually find that more intrusive than helpful. In any case, I think that, for now, you should let it go.

"To them the matter is closed, but it is not closed as far as I'm concerned." I'm going to be blunt here-- you have found her on social media, reached out in a myriad of ways. They have said "NO". Any more pushing and it's likely to be considered harassment. I can tell you that when my husband and I started dating, his ex wanted to meet me. I saw no real reason for it. If she had continued to pursue it, it would have angered me and I likely would have thought she was the the 'c' word-- "crazy".

Unless you have reason to believe this woman is a serious danger to your child, no. Your ex has the right to bring into your child's life whomever he sees fit, the same as you. And frankly, I can kinda see why maybe she's hiding.

Sorry.

:(

I absolutely understand why you want to meet her. She's been in your son's life for several years, and it hasn't happened yet. So you're anxious.

I'm a stepmother and I understand how hard it is to be with a man who has kids. My husband has a very difficult ex and I get that you are trying not to be that way. But you and he already have a terrible relationship, and you're trying to get around that. It seems to me that this girlfriend has been quite deferential in NOT showing up to events up to this point, giving you plenty of time to enjoy those games and not cause you, or your son, any stress.

Here's the problem - YOU have taken charge of every single encounter. You marched up to her at the movie theater, and didn't allow your husband the opportunity to introduce you. I don't know if he would have, but you took over so it's moot. You emailed him about getting together when you found out she was moving in - he said no, and you went around him (telling him that he doesn't matter where your son is concerned, that YOU are the decision-maker). You decided to contact her at her WORK (bad form) and to her FB account where you are not "friends" (bad form again). You told her that it's not to "inspect" her - but of course, it really is, isn't it? What would you discuss at this meeting, if it were to occur? Either her personality, her character, or your advice/instructions on how to deal with your son. She's not going to want to do any of those, and they all imply that you are the judge and arbiter here, and that your ex husband is useless as a father.

Look, I absolutely understand your total curiosity but honestly, it's just not your business. It would be LOVELY if all could get along, but we already know that isn't possible. I wish it had been possible in my husband's case, but it wasn't. It's been miserable, but it's not improved by the 2 women establishing their respective territories. She is not your son's mother, and your greatest concern should be that he has a good father.

The only way they are going to interpret your continued pushing on this matter and the various forms of contact is that you are either incredibly insecure or engaged in a power play. Neither one is a good idea. Here's the other side of it: if you were moving in with someone, it's not up to your husband to pass judgment on that person or "get to know" him. On some level, as terrible as your marriage was and as bad as your post-divorce relationship is, you've got to trust that each of you loves your son enough to not put someone in his life who would be detrimental or negative. I think, actually, you should give your ex credit for a) telling you about this and b) dating someone for 2 years before moving in so that your son has had plenty of time to get to know her.

Your son is 11, he is able to speak and advocate for himself, and his life can only be enhanced by another person who loves him and cares for him.

I know you want the best for him - which is why you have to show respect for his father, and back off. I know this isn't what you want to hear. But really, what are your options now? You can continue to make yourself look bad by stalking and harassing her (you're on the verge now), bypassing and emasculating your ex (not good - you have joint custody), or stressing yourself out beyond belief (such negative vibes for your son). Please, find some self-confidence and move on with your own life, and trust that your son will come to you if there is ever a problem.

How would you like it if your ex started giving your boyfriend the same routine you're giving his girlfriend?
He's moving on - and like it or not your ex will be bringing other people into his and your son's life.
It's not a competition - but when you find the right guy, he'll move in with you - and your ex and son will have to deal with it.

I think it's totally reasonable for you to want to meet the new girlfriend. Unfortunately, your ex does have the right to give his opinion, and the new girlfriend does have the right to say no. I'm always surprised when people say no to these types of things. What, exactly, are they afraid of? Is she afraid you're going to be mean? Is he afraid you will say bad things about him? (You could, but that would only be shooting yourself in the foot, as it would only serve to make you look pathetic in her eyes.)

Nevertheless, they have said no. Nothing you can do about it except continue being kind and giving them (her) no reason to think your offer was anything other than genuinely wanted to meet her and get to know her a little bit.

Give it time. You really are bound to run into her again. As long as you continue being kind and open to getting to know her, there's a good chance she will drop her defenses and get to know you.

I'm going to play the devil's advocate here, okay?

You have been told they don't want that to happen.

YOU looked up her WORK number and left a voice message for her.

YOU FB messaged her.

YOU have called and left messaged wanting to meet her.

I wonder, if now he can tell her "I TOLD you my ex was crazy!!! NOW she is stalking YOU"!

So please stop. If you continue there's a good chance this will come up in court and it will make you look crazy and unstable and nuts. Normal people don't do this. The extreme is that you found her work number and left her a message at WORK! And you have FB stalked her.

This is beyond the line. If your son is old enough to talk he's old enough to tell you if this woman is doing anything that is wrong. NOT tattling to you if she gets on to him for not minding or something. Parents, even step parents, have a right to discipline your child. Like it or not, you are divorced and she is now in your son's life as a parent figure too.

So you need to stop. Your son seems safe enough so there isn't any reason for her to be your friend or acquaintance. Don't post about her on FB and don't contact her anymore in ANY way. For goodness sake, do not ever contact her at work again either.

The bottom line is you have to trust him to not bring in someone terrible into your child's life and he has to do the same for you. My DH's ex did not get to "vet" me, nor did he have any say in his ex's choice of husbands or boyfriends or when they moved in with his children. You asked, and he said no on her behalf. Then you looked her up online and contacted her anyway. If you were my DH's ex, I'd want to avoid you and feel very uncomfortable. Please let this required meeting go. You are being denied because they're adults, he's your ex, and you don't get to choose for him and he doesn't get to choose for you. If you want an iota of a chance of having a civil relationship with your ex, please start by respecting boundaries like not contacting his GF at work. I would be angry if my DH's ex refused to take "no" and then used multiple means (that I did not give her) to contact me - nevermind your intention, I wouldn't want to talk to you even more. You say you'd respect if someone you dated didn't want to meet your ex, but you don't give his GF the same choice. You seem to think it's all about the ex standing in the way - in my house, I don't talk to his exwife unless I have to, so the conversation would be "Ugh, no." and he would write a civil response and I would say nothing. Or he'd reply to something that was unreasonable that he didn't want to bother me with. Either way, it doesn't mean he's just blocking - maybe he's preserving his relationship or relaying a conversation he had with his sig other. You assume you get to talk to her directly and they may feel there is no need. You can talk to the ex. You don't get to do an end-run when you asked him and he said no for them.

What I suggest instead? Invest in yourself. Date if you want to, find a class you like, spend more time with friends and less time worrying about your ex and stalking his GF.

Totally unreasonable. Yes, you have no rights to meet her.Their relationship has nothing to do with you. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my brother 3. My mom had several long term boyfriends who lived with us when we were growing up. My dad started dating when I was 6 and remarried when I was 7. You are being unreasonable. I'm sorry but you don't get a say in who your ex-husband dates. If only we could control such things and make sure the adults around our kids would be good people...but it is totally out of your control. Who your ex-husband dates, lives with, or marries is up to him and him alone. You have to trust him to make good decisions as a father. I don't think my mom ever met my stepmom until my college graduation. Maybe one time before that at a high school event but I'm not sure. Then she saw her again when my brother got married. That's it. She didn't get to meet her to try to get to know her. She didn't get to meet her to see if she would be a good person to be around us kids. And it goes both ways. My dad did not get to meet my mom's long term boyfriends. You should back off. Just talk to your ex-husband about things concerning the kids. Who knows...perhaps over time you will see each other more at say school events, middle school sports games, high school concerts and slowly over time you will chat a little. But maybe not. My parents do NOT ever mingle or talk to each others significant others.

I know this is hard, but you have to let it go. They are well within their rights to draw a firm boundary, and you have NO RIGHT to meet her. None. What happens at dad's house is his business, not yours. While it's nice when a biological mom and dad's girlfriend (or perhaps new wife and step-mom at some point) can have a good relationship where they know and trust each other, that's not common or necessary. BACK OFF.

If you want to salvage anything, apologize to your ex for over-stepping your bounds and let him know that you are open to getting to know her in the future if she is ever ready for that. If they get married, perhaps you will spend time with her at birthday parties or school functions, or perhaps not.

I was my step-daughter's step-mom for 12 years and have known her for 15 (she was 3 when we met and is now 18). I can count on one hand the number of times I have crossed paths with or spoken to her mother. The logistics of the relationship regarding my SD were between my husband and my SD's mother. We invited her to our wedding, the birthday parties and other events we hosted for her daughter, etc. and she never went. She never invited us to anything she hosted for SD, or let us know about school events or anything else (not that she went either). Not ideal but at the end of the day, not that big of a deal.

You have to trust that the man you married and had a kid with is capable of picking a partner who will be decent to your son (he picked you, right?). If your son ends up having problems with her, then deal with that if it happens but if he's just fine, MYOB and leave them alone!

I agree with you. It's important for you and her to know each other. You are both taking care of your son. The reason to meet is for both of you to take the best care of your son. You have a right to know who is "parenting" your son.

Perhaps your ex would have responded differently if your emphasis had only been on meeting your son's needs. Perhaps, your ex doesn't respect you.

I would stop asking. I might talk with a family law attorney for suggestions. However, If your son is doing well with the way it's been, I'd just let it go.

I understand wanting to get to know her. I don't understand his father's refusal. It really is best for everyone to get along. I expect his girlfriend is doing what he wants. Her not responding tells you nothing about her. Apparently, she trusts her ex. You can't change that. When you keep pushing, she will feel that you're fighting against her boyfriend. Relationships are complicated. Unknowingly you've set up a me against them exchange. I suggest you'll have a better chance of meeting her if you agree with your ex. Apologize for being pushy. Tell him you'd like to spend time with both of them when they're ready to do it. Then don't mention "meeting" her for months.

You know, they're right. You have met her. Your goal is no longer to meet her. I hope it's more to get to know her so everyone can consider what's best for your son.

Hi D.,

I don't have much to add here but to note that, given how many times you reiterated the situation, this has REALLY gotten under your skin. When someone does or doesn't do something that violates my expectations and I respond this strongly to it, which has happened - gasps of shock (lol) - I often have the thought that perhaps the mirror is best turned in my direction for a while and I should meditate, cogitate, think about, consider what is it about me or in me that is prompting such an intense response.

I am emotionally intense to begin with so my 1-10 spectrum might be slightly different than the norm...but what is the norm really after all. The point is this, your issue has gone way beyond a simple solve for X math problem with your ex and perhaps some efforts toward gleaning insight as to WHY this is the case might help you resolve things and feel better. Namaste, S. :-)

Okay. I do not think you are stalking her. And by the way, there are people here on this site who write really ugly things on private messages over and over to people, and here they're accusing YOU of stalking? I'm rolling my eyes...

You crossed the line, but you weren't stalking. Stalking would be driving over there and parking across the street. Following her somewhere. Showing up at her work. That kind of thing.

Your ex who wants nothing to do with you has decided that he wants her to have nothing to do with you. You can't do anything about his choice of live-in girlfriend. What you do need to consider is that EVERYTHING that is said between you and the ex should be on email or text message, rather than by phone. This way you will have a record of everything that goes on between you all. If she turns out to be a nightmare who is terrible to your child, then you will need to show the court all the correspondence, especially if your ex is trying to lie about you to the court.

You won't be able to change her involvement with the school, but if they also try to diminish your rights as a mother with the school, you will need to get your lawyer involved. That's another reason why you want everything in writing.

If I were you, I'd put your ex and his gf in a "box" that you don't open much. You are trying to get along for the sake of your kids. They aren't interested. So let that go. Focus on your children.

You are not unreasonable at all in your request, but that does not mean they have to comply. If he was about putting his child first he would want you two to meet and be friendly for the sake of your son, but unfortunately some people are immature and never learn how to put their child before their own feelings. I would not hold he not wanting to meet you against her, who knows what kinds of things he has told her about you, I am sure none were flattering if you do not get along with the ex. The more important question is what is he telling your son, if anything, about you? If he is bad mouthing you in front of your child that is a huge issue.

For now just watch your son for any changes and follow his lead. If he seems okay with her and likes her well enough then let it go, if there are problems his behavior will hopefully let you know.

Don't force it. It's likely your ex is the problem here, not his girlfriend. Stop trying to contact her. You're gonna freak her out and I'm sure your ex is making you out to look like a maniac stalker. All you can hope for is interactions during pick up/drop off and go from there. Sounds like she'll have to figure out your good intentions with time. Good luck. Sounds like a messy situation.

Hi ladies,
This is D., the original poster. Thank you again to everyone for your valuable insight and wisdom. I appreciate ALL the responses I am getting.
Just to clarify to those who pointed out that I was making it about me and not about my son I actually did present it to my ex that I hoped to get to know her better to benefit our son because she was such a big part of his life but he never addressed that.

I did not ( and still don't) think that what I have done thus far was stalking pr harassing her. I wanted tp resent my side of it to her directly because i didnt believe my ex would even mention my request to her at all, or that if he did it would be in a way that made me seem really unreasonable. But yes i definitely agree that if i pursue this any further it would definitely be those things
Thank you again to all of you. everyone who responded whether harshly or gently have all helped me with this. I am actually a kind hearted gentle and very humane, empathetic person. If my ex wanted to meet anyone moving in with me and our son I would gladly not stand in his way, because I understand the reason for the request. A parents interest in their child. Of course if the person moving in with me didn't want to meet or get to know my ex I would respect their wishes as it is up to them - its their decision. But I wouldn't stand in the way of it as I feel my ex is doing. I wanted to give the woman a chance to give me a chance without my ex manipulating the outcome. Does that make sense to anyone?

Updated

Hi it's me the original poster again. I'm not sure why many of you who responded assume that I am trying to choose who my ex has a relationship. That is not it at all. I wanted to get to know her a little bit. That is all. I never said I wanted to choose OR inspect. I'm not sure why some posters don't believe me when I stated what my intentions are or take me AT&T word.
Thank you again everyone. I do appreciate all the responses I am getting. I am just writing back to clarify some things.
D.