My Daughter Saw an Inappropriate Movie

I bet she's a little embarrassed too. But I would just leave it alone and not bring it up. Kids are pretty quick to forget things. I'll bet since she didn't ask again, she probably doesn't care.

If she does bring it up again, maybe tell her the facts of life. I know several 8 year olds whose moms told them. I told my girls around 9 years, which is good, because some of the other girls would start to whisper about these things, and I wouldn't want my daughter to find out from someone else! Once when my daughter was 4 and she walked in on us, but she didn't see much, we just said we were wrestling. She was satisfied with that answer.

Hi C., if she doesn't bring it up again, maybe you shouldn't if she does be honest, I believe so much in being honest with our children, you never want to peak a childs curosity. My daughter had seen a seen at a walk in movie that we went to as a family, we didn't know the scene was in there, and she asked me about it, and I told her that is how married mom & dads show love to one another, and that was enough for her, I didn't have to use the word sex, or go into details, i was just honest with her. J. l.

Dear C.:

I think that considering how this all happened, to NOT speak to her would be weird. She obviously saw something, picked up on your stress, and then was shut down when she asked. EEK! I guarantee you she hasn't forgotten. I would just tell her (alone) that it was really unexpected and awkward for you and while you ordinarily respond to her questions, you were not able to gather your thoughts just then. She'll understand.

I'm a pretty conservative mom but I've told my kids "enough" since they were babies. For example, my daughter was aware of my pregancy with her brother but she was only 18 months old so I just had to say that he was growing inside my body and he'd be "ready" soon. That's all she wanted to know and she was satisfied.

My kids didn't ask about intercourse until they were older than your daughter. My daughter was 12 when she asked but she's homeschooled so that plays a part (in the delayed question). This scene you saw on cable brings up the subject prematurely but you MUST address it or she'll just discuss it with her friends and 1) get incorrect information or 2) get in trouble for discussing inappropriate things with someone else's child. Besides, you want to establish RIGHT NOW that YOU are the source of all information and that you're available to her as her ally.

You don't even have to go as far as mentioning the really uncomfortable part (penetration). All you have to do is say, "The reason I was so upset that we (say "WE") saw that scene on the TV the other day is because it was a private thing that was not for other people to watch. Even though they were engaged in normal behavior (right here you can say: for married people, for parents, for grownups, for people in love...whatever you believe) it is not okay to watch them do that and I'm disappointed that we had to see it." You might get away with just saying that part because the big message here is "normal behavior".

But, you owe it to her to also say, "Do you understand? Are you less confused now?" Then, be prepared for the questions that might come. If they get to be beyond what you want her to know, just say, "Honey, mama will tell you all about the details as you grow older. Right now, I've given you enough (just enough!) to think about but since all of this is grownup stuff, we'll wait to discuss it later, okay?" I'm sure that once she hears enough, she'll be happy.

Best wishes,

M.
PS: You poor thing! What an experience!

*Adding this: there is a great book series, for girls this age... called "American Girl"...they have books on body changes, feelings, etc., that the child can talk about with their Parent. You can get it on www.amazon.com or any bookstore. Its a good way to "chat" about things that girls this age begin to wonder about....

Don't worry...
no need to bring it up again, unless she asks.

for us, my daughter (who is 6) sometimes sees adults kissing/making out on even regular TV series even though we monitor the TV... we tell her don't watch, she says okay and goes into another room.
She just says "Ewwww... gross..." and walks away.
She knows it's "adult" shows, not kid's shows.
She knows the difference between "fiction" and "non-fiction."
My daughter even giggles when me and my Hubby kiss/hug normally.
It's fine. But again, my girl is only 6 years old and that's her reaction.

To me, violence is more harmful or if it was physical/sexual violence or demeaning acts...

But, no need to over-explain it or bring it up again, unless your daughter asks or seems bothered by it. But your daughter only glimpsed it for 5 seconds.

There will no doubt be other instances where things like this will come up, since she is 8 now... and you can now, think about how/when/what you will explain it to her... if not with this circumstance, then another... but, at least you know that it WILL come up in the future... and per your daughter's personality and yours... then come up with a "plan" for when you will both sit down and have the talk... and perhaps even with your Husband. As a girl reaches the pre-teens/teens, having open dialogue is always good... so she knows she can come to you/Hubby for anything, comfortably.
The thing, is you ALSO want to prep yourself for talks like this in the future...because you don't want her to see "you" being "nervous" about it either... you want her to see the comfort and ease about talking about it... or they will feel uneasy themselves. So, this is also an "opportunity" for YOU to get used to the subject as well... so you can talk about it easier with her. Its equally important for the Parent feeling comfortable with it, as the child. And of course keep things age appropriate and per your child's maturity as well.

Good luck,
Susan

My nephew was only 4 when he made the statement, "I think my parents are upstairs having sex." Naturally, I wondered if he knew what he said so I asked him what sex was. You'll laugh to know that his first response was "oh auntie, haven't you heard about it?". He then went on to say it's when you lay on the bed together and are happy.

So don't worry that having a talk has to get into anything that neither of you are ready for. But do have a talk. You may not be able to stay as vague as my nephew was, but you can probably still keep things general enough.

I think others are right about the talk that starts among friends at school around this age, and it's better to hear facts than rumors. As an example, I actually remember a "joke" that went around in elementary school about the boy who told the girl to climb a tree so he could see her underwear. The punchline was that in the end she "fooled" him by not wearing underwear. Kids this age already have an idea that that is somehow taboo even if they don't fully grasp what it means to adults.

If she curled her nose up at the idea of what she saw that's GREAT! Sex isn't like that anyway. I think it is a great time to tell her that love making is for adults who love each other and respect each other. It is a way for a husband and wife to show that they love each other. Let her know that what she may have seen or heard isn't the real thing only pretend. I was never talked to about my sexuality as a woman as a child. I think it would be incredible for young girls to realize that their sexuality is a gift and it is beautiful not what she may have seen in a porno! My 12 year old step daughter knows everything about sex acts. Kids are introduced to things much younger. Imagine how much easier it is for young girls who are confident about their bodies and sexuality to say no when they are faced with the issue. I wouldn't be graphic at all unless she asks. Keep this in mind though, if she perceives sex as something you don't want to talk about she will always see it that way and when she's 15 and being pressured by a boyfriend she may not be comfortable talking to you about it. I really think this is a great opportunity for your daughter to learn about loving.

i agree with previous moms that your daughter probably knows some vague details about sex since i would assume shes in school. my personal opinion is that i would bring it up till she ask you a question. then its up to you about how detailed you get. at this age you should stress that intercorse should be between 2 married people so they can have a baby. you dont need to say who goes in who or anything like that... just take a breath lol.. i know this is the subject i think jolts the most seasoned parents. no one likes to explaine it to their children but it needs to be done sooner or later. just be open and honest when she comes to you.

If she's eight, I assume she's in school. She knows about sex. Sure, a child-like view, but she knows what sex is. Yes, bring it up. To teach that sex should not be talked about is to shame natural impulses. IT IS A TEACHABLE MOMENT that has not passed. If something were to happen and someone said to you, "well, that's something you can't know about yet" wouldn't you be extremely curious about it? YOU are the best person to give her the info w/ your morals and ethics regarding the subject.

This is so important! She has not brought the subject up because you gave her every indication that you are/were uncomfortable. Why would she bring up a subject that is uncomfortable for you? Bring it up. Let her know no subject is off limits, though gearing the conversation to her developmental level. Detail is not necessary. If you feel uncomfortable, practice the conversation with a friend or someone you trust. You WANT this subject to be open!

You can begin the conversation by asking her what she thought about what was on the movie channel at the hotel. By questioning her, you can get a better sense of how to proceed.

I'm not suggesting this is easy. I'm just emphatic about NOT talking about subjects is the most assured way to bad outcomes and messages about topics that are not intended.

Jen

It is better to talk to your daughter about what she saw. The early one speaks to their children the better they will be prepared as they enter adolescents. Too often, parents dont speak to their children, mostly because they dont know how to address it and the children end up getting the info from someone else. Eight is not too young to be speaking to your child. I have talked to my oldest son about it since he was about 7 and now that he is entering that stage he knows all about it and doesnt need to get his info from school or tv or friends. Open up the communication and let your daughter ask as many questions even if is seems somewhat embarrassing. You are her best teacher and as a parent you want to be able to give them the best information so that as she gets older she will know how handle different situations. Also, this is not a one time talk, talk to her often (not daily), but go with her on a walk and once in awhile bring up the subject, see what she has learned, offer your advice, tell her you love her and want what is best for her as she gets older. You are her key to making the best decisions later as she will encounter situations in life.

Hi, C.,

I was a junior and senior high school teacher for several years. As such, I was sometimes asked questions about sex. I realize that your daughter is just eight and thus is probably still in elementary school, but I imagine that she has at least an inkling of what's involved in sex. I think that it would be fine not to broach the subject but that it would also be OK to ask her if she had any questions about what she saw. Some people think that if kids know ANYTHING about sex that they will automatically become immoral sex addicts. I have found the opposite to be true. In general, the kids I've known who seem to know the most educated about the biological and emotional aspects of sex seem to be the most self-controlled, self-respecting and considerate when it comes to sex. I suspect that they might have the physically ad emotionally healthiest sex lives as adults, too.

Best wishes,
Lynne E

Oh my! I feel your pain. I think that this could provide the perfect learning opportunity, however. From all that I read, some children are becoming sexually active earlier and earlier -- I'm talking tweens, 9, 10, 11. Frightening. Might be a good time to buy a "how babies are made" book to kick the subject off if you haven't done so already already, infused with a good dose of your and your husband's moral stance on the subject, as well. Just because she hasn't brought it up, don't think she has forgotten about it. My guess is, she's thought about it more than you would think. No sense in having her receive information from friends, rather than her parents. Very best of luck to you in this "not ideal" situation!!

The fact that you said "something you can't know about yet" when she asked what they were doing probably only enhanced the mystery for her and confused her more! I don't know many 8 year olds who would just take that answer for what it was an put it out of their minds... they are so curious and inquisitive you know. No doubt she is still processing what she saw in that little brain of hers!

(Not that I blame you, I have no idea what I would have said if caught in that situation...)

It does seem kind of awkward to bring it up so long after the fact though... Tough call. But it hasn't been a week yet so maybe you can find a way to discuss. If nothing else, I think whenever the subject comes up again (and it will) and it seems time for the "talk", you should reference it again. Eventually she will need to incorporate what she saw that day into her knowledge and understanding of sex, so you can't just leave the experience hanging there as if it never happened. Even if this time is 2 years from now, for sure the images and experience will still be there filed away in the "huh???" part of her brain... and hopefully can be transferered into the "I get it now" part eventually.

I would tell her that sex is a private thing between a man and a woman and it does not belong on television to be shown to all. There are things in the world that people do that are not the way your family runs and you don't want her exposed to them before she can understand and deal with it. Ask her for questions, go and get the answers that you can deal with and have a talk. She may not want to know anything but if she is curious it might be best to hold up your family (or religious-Christian) views and tell her why you believe the things you do. Stand up for your beliefs, she needs the strength of conviction from her parents on these important issues.

Talk to her because she is thinking about it. My son was being watched by the neighbors nanny, they played outside then when they went in the house she toke off their clothes to take a bath (all boys) but theirs were not circumsized. Later by a few weeks my son was asked to draw a person he drew a naked man when the teacher asked what is this he told her his peepee. When she talked to me about it and showed me the picture I knew exactly what he had drawn because I have seen those two boys naked running around the house. It looked exactly the same. My son was 4 at the time. Of course I explained this to the teacher but 4 years old kids don't draw naked people, they don't think this way. (per the Teacher)I'll agree with this. But it was innocent. The neighbor boys where 3 & 2. I never thought of my son noticing a difference.

Talk to her I don't know what you saw but only go as deep as what you think she saw. She doesn't need to know about intercourse unless she saw him going into her. If it was simply naked and close to each other (rubbing) explain that married people cuddle and share a special love. Let her ask questions but keep it simple and kid level. Really all she can deal with is cuddling naked. Then when it's period time, that's all you talk about. Then when she gets hers move to what it means (you can have babies when you get naked). Then 6 months or a year later talk about what a boy actually does to a girl. Because whoa this is alot to take in and our brains need to digest a little at a time. Also tell her that she shouldn't talk to her friends about this or anyone but you or daddy. Because they need to learn this stuff when their parents think they are ready. If she hears others talking about it then she should tell them that they need to ask thier parents for correct answers. But you don't want other moms calling you about what they heard from your daughter. My oldest was 5 when the babysitters daughter told my daughter how to make babies, she was fine knowing that the doctor had a key to my belly button to take the baby out. But playing barbies she was told the true facts. I yelled at the sitter why would anyone tell a 5 year old about intercourse. She said she wanted her daughter to be modest and understand why she needed to be modest. I still don't think they need to know all that. But let your daughter know that she can always come to you with any questions she has and that you will be truthful.

Just remember to keep your answers simple because when they ask where do babies come from they aren't asking how they are made. your answer can be(it just happens when a married couple wants a baby they get naked together and kiss. She will be grossed out by just that info alone. But that's all her mind can handle she needs to get past the naked together before you tell her what he has to really do. Go with the flow and watch her reactions that will tell you when she has heard enough.

But please talk to her because this is a major thing. I like what the other ladies said about your reaction to this so go with what they said. for your excuse. But make sure she knows not to talk to others. This will make her more comfortable with this issue and she will get past it faster knowing that you helped her through her thoughts. Good luck. J.

I saw in Oprah magazine that you should start the dialogue about sex as early as possible. You might want to reference it to get some ideas about how to handle it with an age appropriate answer. But I agree, it is best to make it a topic of conversation so you can continue to guide her as it becomes something she is interested in.

this is the age when kids start talking about sex more often. if she doesnt hear it from you she will ask someone else. she will remember what she saw. so i suggest you bring it up in a comfortable calm setting, and answer all her questions truthfully.
shes going to be watching that sex video in school soon, they start that in fourth grade dont they?
i highly suggest you be as open as possible with her about this subject.

You should check your local library for resources on how to talk to children about this topic. The American Girl series of books is an excellent resource- good call SH!

I, too have an 8 year old daughter and she told me that her 8 year old cousin told her what "frenching" and "skinny dipping" mean...After that conversation I realized the kids are starting to get curious about physical intimacy. Best to be educated by mom or dad rather than the kids at school.

A truthful but generic answer would probably be best. You could say something like, "All husbands and wives like to snuggle and cuddle each other, and there's certain ways of touching that are only for adults. There are all kinds of different ways to touch your husband or wife, but since it's private it's nothing kids should see. It's also nothing to worry about. That was a scene from a movie showing actors, so it will look and sound different than real life."

K. L

You dilemma made me laugh as it brought back some fond memories. Don't stress it, just explain as I did to my daughter. "That is something you don't do until you are married and have a husband." I don't know what your religious affiliation is, but you can substitute the "husband" part with the word "partner." This is the age appropriate response I chose to use when my daughter at age 4 asked "how did the baby get into your stomach." This response came from me on the fly. Remember you want her to come to you when she has these types of questions, not her friends at school. When your daughter begins to ask for details continue to explain with an "age appropriate" response.

I think you should address it with her, mostly because she probably saw the look of panic on your face. So a discussion of why that material is adult-only and not appropriate for her is probably necessary. I think the hard part for you is addressing such an adult topic is an admittance that she's growing up. Bummer. Good luck!

Hi C.,

I think it's like the old saying "If it's not broke, don't fix it." She hasn't brought it up again so I suggest you do the same. Speaking more about it may just peak her curiosity even more. Good luck.

-K.

I would leave it alone at this point. But if she asks questions or brings it up again I would tell her it is something that you do when you are married with your husband or wife that you love. My sister just went through a similar circumstance with her 7 year old and the school psycologist suggested that she just be open about it, but not make a big deal about it either.