My Daughter Is a CRYBABY

I seem to recall an article by a non profit called No Greater Joy about just that subject. I get their free newletter. They index the articles on line so you should be able to find it if intersted. I find the info from this non profit to be very helpful even if you don't agree 100% the info is really great and so helpful! www.nogreaterjoy.org

Sincerely,

K.

She may be trying to seak attention since she has a younger sibling that she may feels gets more attention then her at times. I have a 6 year old and a 1 year old both are boys. When my oldest son sees all attention on my 1 year old he does things that cause people to look at him or he misbehaves to draw the attention to him.

HI J.,
I have 3 kids, ages 10, 4 1/2, and 2 1/2. I think this is completely normal for your little girl. At age 3, she doesn't quite know how to express her feelings the way she would like, so that's why I think she may seem to be "crying for no reason." I think that the best thing we can do as parents, is not try to "toughen up" our klids, but give them MORE hugs, and MORE cuddles, MORE kind words, and just more attention in general. By doing this, they WILL grow up to be more secure in themselves, therefore more able to grow into wonderful adults. This may seem like you are giving in to your daughter's behavior, but I believe that her cries are because she really needs her mama's attention; and they are little for SO short of a time. Couldn't we all slow down a bit and enjoy this precious, precious time with our kids who won't be kids for long?

Much Love,
C.

She dounds like a pretty typical kid to me. I mean, she's 3, for heaven's sake. Can you even remember what that felt like? I find it helps to talk to my mom about wht *I* was like at that age - gives me a little perspective.

This is a great opportunity to start a discussion about feelings. Kids this age may only know the words for "happy" and "sad" but they can FEEL frustration, anger, embarrassment, shame, and the sooner they understand those concepts, the easier it will be to express themselves.

I personally don't believe that withholding love and affection (like timeouts - or go to your room until you stop crying) are appropriate reactions. Now, if YOU get so frustrated that you're losing YOUR patience, then by all means leave the room. (I CERTAINLY know that feeling, and I'm sad to say I haven't always been wise enough to do it.)But if you can either hold her, talk about the emotions, or just stay near her while she's upset it will help her feel more secure. I had a song called "It's Alright to Cry" that I sang to my boy when he was 2 or 3 and got upset over things. Soon after, whenever he would get upset, he would plead through his tears "Mommy, sing the crying song" (It was from a record I had as a kid "Free to Be, You and Me" - more powerful because it was sung by a deep-voiced macho football player)
"It's all right to cry
Crying gets the sad out of you
It's all right to cry
It might make you feel better

Raindrops from your eyes
Washing all the mad out of you
Raindrops from your eyes
It's gonna make you feel better"
Etc - if you're interested, it's here:
http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/freetobeyouandme/itsallrig...

And then I talked about how crying really DOES help you feel better and that EVERYONE cries sometimes, even grownups, even GRANDADS (the ultimate grownup). And that when you cry, some of the hurt and pain come right out in the tears (which is a simplified version of what has been scientifically validated.) And everybody knows how much worse it is when you stifle your emotions and bottle them up. You just delay and build until there's a volcanic eruption.

I have a boy who is almost 5 now - smart as a whip, stubborn as a mule, but very sensitive. And it tends to go hand-in-hand with empathy - kids who are easily upset tend to also be the first ones to notice when other children (or animals) are hurting, too. So that's the positive flip side. The children with the most fragile egos are often the most caring, and that is a wonderful trait to nurture.

About a year or two ago, my son would absolutley crumble into a mass of tearful misery at the smallest setbacks or the slightest reprimand. Sometimes he did better when we gave him a little time to be alone (NOT a timeout, just let him go to a favorite chair in the next room), or sometimes we would sit with him (holding or rocking him, or just sitting close by.) Sometimes we could talk about the feelings, and sometimes he just wanted quiet company.

Then later, he went through a phase I called the "Angry Young Man" - and I have to admit it was a LOT harder to see that he was hurting just as much when he was angry as when he was going through the crying phase. I wasn't nearly as good at keeping patient and calm, either, but I gradually figured out that the same kinds of things were triggering the outbursts, and then I dawned on me that he was hurting just as much inside, it was just that the outward appearance was different - he was displaying anger and hostility instead of sadness. (Maybe he learned from other kids that it wasn't good to be a "crybaby" - so he turned it into a "tough guy" act.) Let me tell you - I much preferred the sad kid to the angry one. It's hard to sympathize with someone who's acting mean and angry.

Lately, he still gets upset sometimes over the SMALLEST things - (it's amazing what will set off an hour-long moping session.) But, I usually don't even notice at first, and then I realize he has disappeared into another room and is either sulking or silently crying to himself. If he's upset over me reprimanding him, he'll apoligise over and over, until I feel obliged to say "It's OK, hon. It was just a little spilled milk (or whatever). It's already fixed. Everyone has accidents and makes mistakes sometimes." (And still he sometimes continues to be upset for another 30 minutes or so.)

Kids this age have their own logic which often makes NO SENSE to us, so it's really hard for them to understand what is a "good reason" or "bad reason" (or "no reason") to be upset. They just know that they ARE upset and often can't control the downward spiral. And they have no conept of what is "over-reacting".

So my theory is that you can only do so much to help them through the rocky emotions going on inside. It's basically just emotional maturity and I think the only thing that can really help is "the gift of time".
You might be able to influence HOW they display those emotions, but I would try to get your kid to talk about those feelings rather than just trying to shut them off. And there's the possibility that if you try to discourage the "crybaby" - you might end up with an "Angry Young Lady". I guess it could happen no matter what you do, but we can hope.

Yadda yadda yadda - sorry to go on so long. It's just been an ongoing issue in our home, so we've had lots and lots of time to think about it and try different things. Don't shut them out - don't try to turn it off. Hold them and let the tears get the sad out.

(I really liked Charlotte's response. How sad and awful would it be if Emily Dickinson's parents insisted on "toughening her up"?)

Your daughter is not a crybaby, shes a NORMAL 3 yr old! I have 4 kids, 2 boys ages 6 and 4 and 2 girls ages 2 and 7 weeks and my oldest who is 6 now but when he was taking naps, no matter how long he slept or how little he would wake up crying most of the time. It usually means they are not getting enough sleep during the night. As far as "toughening her up", let her be a girl! Be thankful shes girly! Shes not going to be able to "control herself" shes way to young to understand that behavior. Let her be a kid and try to enjoy your child cuz you do not get a second chance- Just relax! She just wants you to validate her feelings when she gets upset about a small booboo, kiss and make it better- Hope this helps!

You know, we teach our kids right from wrong and to respect others, but we shouldn't teach them how to "be."
Sensitive people have their place, and it is a lot easier to be around them when you do not fight them constantly. I know one incredibly sensitive child who has matured into a ten year-old who loves to volunter at the animal shelter, raise money for surgery for the cats with broken limbs and other needs, and visit special needs people. Also, this child reads thousands of pages a week and writes beautiful poetry.
Does this help?
C..

My older daughter is like this too and she's 6 years old. Now we can reason with her a bit, but at 3 years old? Forget it. A lot of kids cry when they wake up from a nap. It's a tough transition. I'd give her a little sugary snack to get her going again: chocolate milk, graham crackers, nilla wafers etc. For the other things, just check to make sure her boo boos aren't serious and let it go. The more you talk about it, reason with her, get frustrated, the more she will do it.

I just read a great book I got from the library. It's called Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood, Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years. It is wonderful (and really fun to read)! It even has helps for issues like your daughter is having. I'm sorry I don't have any quick fixes advice, but I do think this book will give you great ideas. Good luck!

I think all kids are different. I have 3 sweet girls (8,5,and 2) and the oldest used to cry for everything but has toned it down, she knows that we will be there for her for serious stuff but when she has a slight bump we don't make a big deal out of it. She lets us know she has it we acknowledge it, check it out, and let her know it will heal on its own. My 5 year old still cries for everything. Sometimes just touching her, a little slip on the floor, putting vegetables on her plate, or just looking at her the wrong way can set her off. We are hopeful that she will outgrow this stage like the oldest one did. My youngest seems to be tougher; she runs around like a crazy girl falling and bumping herself but usually says "I'm okay, mommy". She is just more independent than the other two were at the same age. Don't get me wrong my two year old does have her moments but in general she is just a different cookie from the other two (and all three have the same parents LOL). I think it’s just their personalities. We make it a policy not to give in to the crying and when they do kick it up a notch they get sent to their rooms until they can control themselves. I like what Sharie had to say but to the lady who thinks it's the parenting...I'd say that in some cases that may be it but everyone is different and unique and sometimes it's just their nature.

First off, good for you for recognizing that this behavior should be improved. Your daughter is great, but self-control is better! My daughter is currently going through this phase (3 1/2), so I am right there with you. So far, we are having success with these tactics:
1 - If there is no reason for crying, we tell her firmly that she must stop crying. We ignore her and all of her requests until she stops. We also make sure she is speaking clearly and evenly when she does finally tell us why she is crying. We respond lovingly, but firmly to whatever the problem is.
2 - If there is a "good" reason for crying, we say to her to "rub it off" and "take deep breaths" to calm down and get past whatever set her off. Taking the self-control approach even when there is a reason to cry (cutting her knee, or whatever) helps her get herself together even faster when she is whining for nothing.
I really hope that it works for you too! Good luck with it!

Sometimes I wish my baby wanted me to hold her and attention! I have a tom boy. She got stiches already on her head from running around and she is crazy energetic! She is only 2! Climbing, running, throwing...Whenever I try to hug her or cuddle with her she squirms away and is always into something. My advice would be: dont baby her too much, but enjoy it as well. Enjoy that she wants mommy to make everything better because soon she will be older and wont! i think mine is so independent becuase I never slept with her or was constantly holding her. Sorry I'm not more helpful...

Hi J.,

I think this sounds like completely normal behavior for a 3 year old. My daughter, 3.5 years, is the same way, although it is improving daily. Her teachers and I have been working with her to help her get past this phase, it has a lot to do with maturity. My daughter was crying at everything, especially if she thought she would get in trouble. A big one for her was if she spilled anything on the table on her clothes, anywhere. We have no idea where that came from because my husband and I have never made a huge deal out of it. We always tell her it is okay, get her to help clean up and if she is still upset I always ask her is mommy upset. Usually once she see I'm not upset she is fine and I can get a smile out of her. We go through spurts of maturity and independence and then a regression back to the imature babyish behavior, especially this past week, I swear she can sense that her sister will be born anyday. So everything is a crisis, she doesn't want to do anything my husband or I ask of her. It is driving me crazy, but everyone I talk to says she'll outgrow it. It really is a cruel trick of nature everyone says watch out for the terrible twos, which I did not think was too bad, they never warn you about the threes, which are far more terrible than the twos :-)

Good luck, it will get better!

A.

This probably doesnt constitute advice, but my 14 month old has recently turned into a cry baby and I think it's because we put her in day care 3 weeks ago and she is mimicing behavior learned there.I know you are a SAHM, but perhaps your 3 year old is mimicing your 1 year old.

I totally understand. I have a three yr old boy who is "The World's Biggest Crybaby!" Although our situations are different, I am a single mother raising a boy, for my son it's only me he crys with. His grandparents, father, family in general does not get the same response. He crys every time his eyes open from sleeping at ight or nap time. He crys when he wants something. For me I know that i need to be more stern and start giving out consequences when there is excessive crying. What do you do?? Is your child like that with everyone in the family or just you? My son is in preschool and has been to daycare since he was one.

J....Mainly just give it time...I have a 4 year old and she did the same thing,but as she is approaching 5 she has really done much better. I should add that my daughter Gracelyn arrived in this world crying,followed by 4.5 months of colic,and just continued with the drama....but as she ages I have found that I can sometimes reason with her about the tantrums and just crying spells,I also use time out. Often when she cries over things like just not getting her way,my husband and I remove her from anyones site and put her in a time out spot...she generally always stops in a few moments ,but we leave her there just a short time after she stops the crying (1-3 minutes longer) to let her know that that type of behavior is not acceptable...it seems to work. I guess no one wants to throw a tantrum or cry if no one is going to see them. Hope this helps with your daughter,I will add I think this is a girl thing,my sons never did this. Have a great day,G.

Can't help you with this one.I have one of those myself.My five year old son whines in his sleep,and about the most smallest things.I have yet to be able to stop it.Spanking which is my form of dicipline is not something I use for this problem.I just think he is a sensitive person like I use to be.I say leave it be though and let her grow out of it.My son is really sweet and I'd rather him be sweet and whiny than Mean and bully.

It might just be how your daughter is wired. My soon to be 8yr old is a drama queen. The smallest skinned knee you'd think was a trip to the ER she is so dramatic. And it takes me a half hour to clean dirt out of scrapes and to put a band aid on it because she is afraid it will hurt!! My son (turning 2 in a week) has gone back and forth between his knees scraping them up the past few weeks playing out side and he comes up to me and says boo boo mommy and points to which ever knee it is. I wipe it off, clean and band aid it if needed, kiss it and send him on his way and he never sheds a tear!!! I've never codeled (sp?) or ran to either one of them when they fall or hurt themselves either. I pretty much ignore my daughter till she can calm down so I can look at it and do what ever needs to be done which I will say she has slightly out grown this over the years!! Another thing that I do when it is a fit over something that doesn't go her way is I will not talk to her until she can calm down and talk to me without crying and whinning. As soon as either starts back up, I tell her I can't talk to her when she acts like that and go do something else till she calms down again.

Good luck and hang in there!!!

~S.

my 3 year old son was the same way and still is a little whinny but a whole lot better. time out, talking, ignoring, etc... didn't work. so we started sending him to sit in his room when he was crying over non-sense things. i would take him to his room and explain tell him that when he was done crying he could come out and then we could talk about it. if i ignored him he would carry on and on but when i would send him to his room the crying was over in a matter of minutes. and now i rarely have to send him to his room. he is in charge of how long he sits in there cuz when he's finished crying he comes out on his own. in the beginning he would carry on and i would just poke my head in and remind him that he could come out when he was done. i would also tell him the difference of crying over silly things and crying over real things (like getting hurt etc...) having him go to his room made me a little more sane too since i didn't have to hear the crying right there in the same room. good luck.
i run and in-home daycare and have 2 children 4 year old boy and 20 month old girl. i was a special ed teacher for many years before having my son.

Hey Girl,
Don't be discouraged and don't give up. The biggest reason kids continue to do the same things whether good or irritating is because we reenforced the behavior whether we bribe them to stop, give them positive reeforcement or even yell. It is all attention of some kind. When your daughter sees that what she is doing will no longer pay off she will stop. Obviously if it is a legitimate "booboo" then comfort and console, but you know when it is over the top. In my humble opinion, I would just let her know that she can be sad about things but I would encourage her to talk through her sadness.
I will ask my daughter,(who's newly 3), "Are you sad?" and she'll usually say, "yes, I'm very very very sad, mom." And I will just tell her Why and let her answer then I will tell her that I am sorry that she is sad and would she like to go into her room and rest. She'll then tell me what she wants. Sometimes it is a hug or just for me to sit down with her. That is when I know that it is not the boo boo that hurts it is just that she wants me to spend a little quality time with her. It has really taught her to have compassion too.
Today, I was having a bad stomach ache and she asked me if I was sad because my stomach hurt and I told her "yes". She was so sweet and put her arm around me and said she was sorry and told me she loved me and said it's going to be ok. It was awesome.
So I would just listen to what is really going on underneath her crying. Now if it is whining, I tell my own daughter that things can happen to us that we don't like but we don't whine about it, we do something about it. If she insists on whining I tell her to go somewhere private and then came back when she is done. It seems to work. Even though my daughter is pretty prissy and sensitive, she has developed a tough skin, and that, I think, is heading in the right direction.

Hope it helps.

My 4 year old daughter is exactly like this!!! She is a big crybaby and always wants to be held. I'm a working mother of 4 children and she is my youngest, so I spend more quality time with her, but I do not sit and hold her 24/7. She whines, cries, has temper tantrums like I've never seen before. My 3 boys never acted like this. She seems very spoiled to the outside world, but she really isn't at all. I think she was born to the wrong family because she is such a DIVA! LOL! and drama queen, but all my friends say it's because she is a girl and the youngest, and of course her age. I talk to her and tell her I wont listen to a crybaby or a whiner and after she stops crying/whining, then I will listen, etc. It's tough I know, if she was born first I swear I wouldn't have had anymore, lol. She is a blessing though and every child is different. I just think she is more sensitive and more needy. I'm about to purchase a book called form Difficult to Delightful in 30 days. I will try anything right now. It cant hurt. Well good luck and email me if you want to chat. T.

Sounds as if you are on the right track, but need to stay consistent with it. As you may know, small kids pick up on cues from adults. When she gets a boo boo, be sure no one is giving verbal nor nonverbal cues of anxiety...Give the area a kiss, reassure her, and walk away. Same w/ the crying fits...Tell her you will talk about the issue when you are able to UNDERSTAND her, and she has to stop crying and TALK, so you CAN understand her. Follow up a calming down w/ a reward whenever possible (ie: "Look how you talked to me like a big girl! Because of that , we CAN go to the park to play!"). The ignoring of bad behavior, and reinforcing the good stuff w/ hugs, attention, and rewards (playing w/ her) WILL get thru-just need to hang in there, mom! =)

Firs of all, I don't think this is about being "girly" or a "tomboy" or a "crybaby". I think it is simply a mindset or instilling a set of tools to learn how to deal with a problem.

I have a close friend who's son is the same way as your daughter. Every time he has the slightest little bump, she has always asked him if he is okay at least 20 or more times....so he assumes that he must not be okay...even though he really is fine. I understand she was only trying to comfort him, but overcomforting is not going to give him the tools or mindset he needs to interact with other kids or adults later in life. That being said, I don't think we as parents should ignore the bumps and bruises because somethimes they do hurt.
Because my friend overcomforted her son, he has turned him into a pretty big whiner, and it's only making it harder on him because the other kids don't really want to play with him because he cries at the slightest touch. She is now seeing the problem she created and now forced to "toughen" up her kid just so he can play with other kids. It's been hard on her to watch.

I think your best chance to change the situation is to change the way you react when she falls etc. I think a simple acknowledgemnt that she fell down, you saw it, and she is fine would suffice.

With my daughter, who is almost 3, we have always told her when she falls down to get right back up and try again. We said this with every little bump, scrape, and boo boo. I had to laugh...a few months ago we were in a Target parking lot and she fell down. But this time... SHE... was the one to say "My dad tells me when I fall down, I should get right back up and try again".
I was happy to know that we were not just saying that in vain and it really is sinking in!!!
I have also been known to tell her to shake it off...to which she literally shakes her leg..It's so funny!
(edited to add that I would not say that if she were seriously injured. I'm speaking of the minor everyday scrapes that kids get).

I think how you teach them to deal with adversity now, really helps them out with the bumps and bruises life can sometimes give you as an adult.
Good Luck!

Cry back at her. That's what I did to my brother and my niece when they were small. Then I would follow up with a big laugh and make funny faces.

It seemed to work :) Now I'm the big crybaby in the family and I'm 44! LOL