My daughter is asleep right now, but she has been crying since 11 o clock this morning. I have been trying to console her and she finally calmed down and collaspes while I held her. Somebody give me some advice before she wakes up. I don't know what to do for her. Both of us feel horrorable that we won't see him again for another six months. But my poor little one is in despair. I called Matt and had to leave a voice message because he is in flight. My friends are at work, both of our moms went together to a movie festival (no phones on) and there is nobody. What if she wakes up the same way?
My husband works overseas. He came home and surprised us for three days. He has been gone for 6 months and I haven't been telling her to be quiet or shut up. She has been crying like I've never seen her. Almost like he died. Help!
I don't have an answer for you, S.. I am just so terribly sorry. I hope you will reach out to military wives here on this site. Write it in another post specifically stating military wives in the title. They have to go through this with their deployed husbands. They have support through the military that you don't have.
Again, I am so sorry.
Dawn
She is sad to see her dad go. However, she is getting old enough to understand a little bit more. Arrange to have some of her friends over the next few days. Don't leave voice messages like this for your husband. Its hard enough on him being way and there is nothing he can do. This is something as the mommies we have to handle at home. Let her cry. She is entitled to her feelings and so are you. However, you need to reel some of them in to help her get through this. If she sees you upset and crying she is going to be upset and crying. This next six months will go by fast.
I completely echo what Marda said. In addition, while you are holding her and letting her cry, say, "It's really sad to see Daddy go, isn't it."
Take her to the park and let her run a bit. A little fresh air, sunshine, and pure nature may help her take some of this in.
Best of luck.
Just hold her and let her cry. Crying is a way of grieving. Let her grieve. It's important to accept her feelings and not try to talk her out of them. The more you try to stop her crying the stronger her grief becomes. Then she's not only grieving the loss of her father but the loss of her mother's understanding and acceptance.
So sorry to hear you are going through this. It is heart breaking when there is simply nothing you can do.
If he is not in the military and has the freedom to do this, how about Skyping him once he arrives where he is going? That way she can see him on the computer screen and talk to him, maybe nightly or at least every weekend? You load Skype on a computer with a camera and if he has the same, you can both see and talk. I have a little Toshiba Netbook that was just under $300 (greatest little computer by the way) and it came with a built in camera and microphone and Skype already loaded.
You could also engage her to make some artwork for him, like a card or painting that you can then mail to him.
Or take out the photo album and look at pictures of daddy and talk about where you were in the picture.
Perhaps plan a visit to see daddy during Spring Break and take her overseas to meet him?
You are both sad and miss him, consoling does not seem to work right now, but perhaps engaging her in planning some fun things for or with daddy might help.
Good luck.
You are going to have to let her experience these emotions ... she has to go thru them herself with you comforting her and allowing her to do it. If you tell her to stop crying and it's not a big deal then you are telling her that her emotions are not important. Let her cry, let her sob, let her find happy in the next few days honestly, just let her be upset.
I don't know how old your little girl is...? I'm assuming from your post that your husband is either military & left for a 6-month tour or some other job that requires him to be away for long periods of time. Getting him on the phone will do nothing but upset him, also. There is nothing your friends or family members will be able to do that you can't. Just be there for her, tell her that he's not gone forever & that the 2 of you will be just fine while he's away. Have her draw him pictures, take a lot of pictures of her to send him, bake some cookies, have a yummy, easy, homey dinner together like grilled cheese & tomato soup, or whatever makes the 2 of you happy.
If you show strength, she will, too.
You have to let her go through her emotions. Crying and laughing are physical expressions of emotion... they're the body physically experiencing emotion. You have to allow her to process what she's feeling. Sometimes soothing can make it worse, almost like you're telling her she doesn't have a right to be upset or sad or to be grieving.
It takes as long as it takes.
On the same side of the coin, you have to make a good example for her. Let her know that you feel the same way and show her ways to cope once her emotions settle down. Find ways for her to feel connected to her dad and ways to help occupy her time. She won't always feel this way, but it's normal that she does. It's not a bad thing for her to feel like this. That's why you have to let her process it.
As hard as it is, you can't leave voice messages for your husband about this. It must be agony for him already leaving his family like this when he's made this commitment. He can't do anything about it, and all the messages will do is serve to upset him and make him feel guilty and crappy. He needs to know that you and your daughter are coping and are strong, not falling apart. He needs to be able to focus on his job.
It's hard that she misses him and she's old enough to know what she misses. She's heartbroken.
What do you do to stay connected? And have you considered any therapy to help her cope with the intensity of these emotions and the situation?
You need some help -- and I'm saying that in a caring, loving way. I've read a few posts from you & it seems like both you & your daughter need counseling. You need to be able to handle this situation that you are in. Right now -- find out if your health insurance covers any kind of counseling. Then start calling/researching to find the right counselor for you. You two need to focus your lives on something right now, other than the fact that your husband/her dad is gone. Truly -- get help now.
Where is he?
ETA: Poor kiddo. From my experience the drama is a full swing at that age (boys too!). Maybe keep it matter-of-fact, talk up the next Skype chat, have her write him a letter, draw a picture, text him from your phone....whatever you do to stay close. Tell her it's OK to miss him, that you do too! But the fact is that he's going to be away working so focus on ways she can feel close to him. Can she wear O. of his sweaters or sweatshirts around & to sleep in?
When I was pregnant with our fourth child, my husband worked for a company that had him out of the country for 3 months at a time. For the last six months of my pregnancy and my son's first six months of his life, my husband was gone, leaving me with four kids at home.
It was difficult on all of us, my husband included. My girls were 10, 8, and 6 at the time. When son was 6 months old, we all flew to Miami to spend a few days with my husband, he flew in from Spain. While there, I told him that we really needed to be together as a family, that it was important for the girls to be with their dad and for son to know his dad. He decided right then and there to quit his job (I was unaware of this) but had called his old employer and lined up another job right away. He was gone another three weeks and then home for good.
For our family, we needed to be together. My girls needed their daddy. We couldn't get the time back that we had lost, but we made up for it when he was finally home. Being together, building a strong family is important. It is hard to do that when you don't see each other for six months. You daughter is only young once.
