My 7 Yr Old Is Out of Control...

I would suggest getting her into some counseling. My 10 yr old boy is also having problems with the divorce, so I'm taking him to a children's therapist. It's a non-profit group she works for, so I only pay $20 a session. If you're in the South Bay area, I can give you the info.

Hello A., I have been in the same spot where you are, and at time still am. I even had some phycology with my son on behavor, Im not divorced, but my son had some issues. And I hope the advice the dr gave me helps, mind you it does not sound ethical and I even doubt it myself, but so far it works. First was the screaming, if she screams, don't try to scream over her. Grab her by the shoulders and bring your eyes to her level, tell her to stop screaming, because you are next to her and can hear her clearly. and here is where you doubt, if the screaming does not stop and it turns into a tantrum, stick her in a cold shower clothes and all. It helps her learn to control herself, I know tell my son to walk him self into the cold shower and he does, believe it or not and then we can talk. You might also want to ask her how she is feeling about the situation your in and let her express herself without giving her explanations for the situation. Also, as much as her dad is a jerk don't let her disrespect, he is still her dad and it only makes it worse for her. I still let mine sleep with me once in a while, but he use to do it all the time until I told him that I would not leave him and that I would always be with him in the house espacially when daddy was on a trip. And about your 2 yr. old, you really need to reinforce the I love you as much as I love her and that wont change, and don't yell at her and pick the baby up when she fights with the baby. just tell her that it was not nice and you make sure the baby was not hurt and then ask her to hug her and kiss her, that she is the big sister and needs to help make sure she is okay. Oh and the dr. also told me to use a wooden spatula for displine and not my hand, my hand should always be for loving and caressing and not for spanking. to let them fear the spoon intead of my hand. Not a conventional doctor, but I have gotten a lot more resutls with her method, take away what she like the most as punishment.

You know it really does help to talk to them as children and not expect them to understand the adult world just because it dealt us a bad card. And let her ask her dad the questions as to why the divorce and if he give her a bad rap about you go ahead and correct the version, its okay for them to know the truth, but not the harsh part just the minimal in details. I hope I explained myself good.

Good luck.
Anngie

my sister is going through the same thing right now with my 10 yr old nephew... try counseling, talk to her teacher, and try to get her dad to spend more quality time with her (just her and daddy)... if that doesnt work you might want to talk to her pediatrician and see what he recommends

Big Hug for you and what you are going through. Sometimes, what can REALLY help is having your child see a counselor of some kind, whom you feel is appropriate, and experienced with divorce issues on a child. This can really help them with the transitions in their life and circumvent any 'damage' that may occur to their young emotions. That is what my friend did, and it REALLY helped. They cannot act, nor react, nor handle these things as an adult would, even on their best days. Divorce is hard for an adult as it is... think about how it is for any CHILD. You are a single parent... you need 'back-up' help of some kind, for the behavioral aspects and side-effects that your daughter is going through. That is why counseling for her might be great. For whatever you may not be able to help her with, or amend, or correct, or what have you... that is what the counselor is for. Then you may also BOTH go... it would instill a sense of 'team' work for your daughter... that her mom and her are a "team"... and maybe pad the 'loss' of her parents break-up. It may benefit Both of you. Emotional health of a child is important, much less for a Parent. Like you said... you want to help her so you can help yourself. No matter what... your child needs a soft place to fall, and a place she can feel safe and re-assured... Her Mommy. You sound as though you are trying to do the best you can given the circumstances... but sometimes we all need outside help. She is obviously stressed by all this and IS indeed 'acting-out.' But you don't want her to spin out of control into another tangent that would be more harmful or permanent. Again, this is why a counselor can help. Also, what affects THIS daughter, can of course affect ALL the children, and you. A pebble thrown into a pond will cause ripples throughout the pond. Try also to spend time with her... just talking story about Her and her feelings. (if she's open to it). You wouldn't want her to 'shut-down' and turn inward... this is not good. Let her express herself. But I know it's hard, very hard. You are doing your best. Give yourself credit... you are a hardworking Mommy sounds like. Hooray for you. But, do carefully monitor your child's emotional state as your are already doing. But next step, seek some help perhaps, as you have your hands full.
Good luck very much, and take care.
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

I'm a single mom with an 8-yr old, also a teacher with experience with kids that age whose parents are going through divorce. Acting out is common.

Sleeping in your bed for a while won't hurt her, and may help her feel more secure. Just make sure it is for HER and not for you, and don't let it go on forever. Based on my experience, here's my advice:

Talk to her a lot. Remind her constantly that the divorce is not her fault.

Even if your ex is a toxic jerk (mine is), don't ever say that to or in front of your kids. They'll figure it out without your help, and they don't need to feel put in the middle.

When my son went through tantrums, and I knew a lot of it was due to the divorce (and therefore my fault), it was very difficult to set limits because I felt so guilty. My therapist and my parents told me that he had to know that he could not behave badly just because he felt bad. I had to set limits. I did, we got through it, and he is just fine. :)

I have been there and I have some good advise. Try not to focus at all at what she is doing wrong. Try to just start to praise her and reward her for good behavior. If she talks back or fights with the baby, just tell her that you know she is a good girl but if she continues you will have to give her a time out, and do it. i find a chair next to me works best or the bathroom, because either place is not fun. REWARDS are the best...have her earn 40 points, one for each day for good behavior, one for doing random acts of kindness, etc...and show her on a chart, let her help u make a chart...find three things she really likes and when she reaches 40 points she gets to do/get one of them. IT does really work...sorry about your divorce...I went through it and after 3 years of custody battles, and so much grief we got back together and just had another baby..we have 5 kids total. Hope all this works for you! Your in my prayers
D.

I went thru this behavior with my two stepdaughters! My husband was long divorced before I even met him,and his girls were 5 and 7 when I came into their lives. They were wonderful to me the first year or so. But then they became little monsters. It really had nothing to do with me, it had to do with the constant friction b/w their Mom and Dad. It was so sad, and they were too young to explain it to them. But all in all, we were just patient with them and didn't let them get away with that behavior. There were a lot of stressful times in the house and lots of screaming and defiance on their part, but we just tried to remain the adults in the situation, and didn't yell back (often) and they grew out of it. My only advice would be to be there for her. She is going through a VERY difficult time as are you. Just remember that, she needs to know how loved she is and that even though Mommy and Daddy are not together anymore, she will ALWAYS have you both. I think it will be hard for some time, so just know that. Most importantly, firmly and lovingly let her know everytime she acts out that it's not acceptable. Punish her appropriately and she'll get the picture. Respect is key in any relationship. If she has yours, you'll get hers. Good luck.
K.
Kellyis.stayinhomeandlovinit.com

A quick response, but your situation is urgent:

1. Invest the time and money in attending family therapy (suggestions below) to (a) give yourself critical support, and (b) help yourself help your kids, which then will make life easier for you and your kids.
2. Read this book: Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime (Paperback) by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka ($11 online)
3. Take a divorce coparenting class, even if your ex does not. Stick to the high road; your kids will benefit.

Family therapy resources in West LA area:

Divorce coparenting classes:

“Parents Beyond Conflict” ###-###-####
201 Centre Plaza Dr.
Monterey Park, CA 91754
- weekly series of divorce coparenting classes, free at Children’s
Court

Jane Shatz, PhD ###-###-####
9665 Wilshire Blvd.
Beverly Hills, CA
- “Keeping Kids First” 8 week series of classes, 7 to 9 on Wednesdays, $295/person, usually for one parent at a time, held at Reiss-Davis Center

Albert Gibbs, PhD ###-###-####
3440 Motor Ave., #210
Los Angeles, CA 90034
“Parents Together for Children” 6 week series of 2 ½ hour classes on Saturdays or Tuesdays, $360/person, usually for both parents together in the class

Family therapists experienced in dealing with divorcing families:

Constance Ahrons ###-###-####
530 Wilshire Blvd.
Santa Monica, CA

Mary Lund, PhD ###-###-####
2510 Main St., Suite 201
Santa Monica, CA

Jeffrey W. Whiting, PhD ###-###-####
3201 Wilshire Bl., Ste. 310
Santa Monica, CA 90403

Lyn R. Greenberg, PhD ###-###-####
12140 Wilshire Bl., #303
Los Angeles, CA 90025

Irene Goldenberg, EdD ###-###-####
UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute, family therapist
760 Westwood Plaza
Los Angeles, CA 90024-1759

The Family Law Conciliation Court (see below) can also refer you to “Parents Beyond Conflict.”

For a comprehensive list of family law resources, go to the website:
http://www.lasuperiorcourt.org/familylaw/