My 7 Y/o Daughter and I Can't Seem to Get Along at ALL~ Breaking My Heart!!!

Oh T., I have been there many times. I really like Catherine's advice, but wanted you to know that I, too, have one of those relationships with my daughter where we can be best of friends and wosrt of enemies.

In my experience, I found that it was me who had to make the changes. My first instinct is to blurt out something not so nice, then how can my daughter not reply the same or not be hurt. They are at such critical development ages between 7ish and 16. There is so much out there in ads, school, etc. which can damage their self esteem while they struggle to find out who they are.

I don't know if you ever saw, Nanny McPhee, but someone suggested I start doing what she does in the movie. If I saw something or heard something I didn't like, I go "Hmmm" and hold my tounge. My daughter knows I've seen or heard something I didn't like and the pause allows her to process it while I calm down and find a good way to present it.

She needs discipline, but also love and positive support. When it comes time to talk with her, if it is appropriate, talk about some of the things she has done well and give her praise. Then talk about the behavior/words you need to address, then leave it on a positive note or a plan of action.

I know changing can be hard, I still have to remind myself when I get frustrated. I have to go to my room and give myself a time out sometimes to gather my thoughts and calm myself. Know that in this current world, the home should be the place of consistent unconditional love and support.

As I reflect on the biking outing, I wonder if the fact that her friend was riding better than her was a bit intimidating. Perhaps everyone taking a break or everyone walking with their bikes so she can rest up...or ask her what she would like to do to finish the journey she wanted to start...she evidently saw an opportunity to spend time with you, but someone was riding better than her and perhaps the path was too difficult for her.

Anyway, I don't know if my experience will help you, but know that I've been there and it is a stuggle for me to compose myself on a lot of days. But since I have done so, things have improved with my daughter....she seems happier and it comes through in her eyes and her behavior.

Good luck!

I would praise her as much as possible for the good things she does. If she does her chores or talks to you in a respectful manner, praise her for it. Find something she likes, if it is stickers, give her a sticker for each time she is really good and being respectful. You can even do a chart that has the days in the week and you can list what she does right or her chores or things she needs to work on- not yelling, being kind, not whining,etc.. When she is isn't cooperating she doesn't get a star/sticker or check mark on the chart. You could set it up, if she gets 3 or 4 checks/stars, then she could get ice cream or get to stay up 10 minutes later at night or get extra books. Sometimes, the chart system doesn't work for kids, we've experienced that too. We've used high fives, if she is into playing games, she could have more game time if she behaves well. If she likes to play with friends, you could let her have friends over more or play with them longer if she improves her behavior. Get creative and find out what she really enjoys- riding her bike, doing crafts, watching TV, playing outside, reading,etc... You can take whatever she enjoys away from her if she doesn't cooperate or you can give her more of what she enjoys when she has an extra good day.

We have been foster parents and had some difficult kids. We've had to learn Love and Logic, as that was a part of our training. I would encourage you to check out their website. It is www.loveandlogic.com They have newsletters that you can sign up for and get them sent to you via email. They have books, tapes, DVD's, CD's,etc.. The main thing love and logic does is it keeps the adult calmer with sayings like. "I love you too much to argue with you". "What a bummer", "Uh-Oh". Love and Logic doesn't work on all kids, as all kids are different. It really helps keep you in control as the parent. The training is great. You can actually go thru the training at our foster care agency, it is a lengthy training, however I would highly recommend it. Our agency does open it up to the public, however there is a cost to the training. If you are interested in it, I can give you more information on it.

Girls, Inc. is in Arlington and they help girls with self-esteem issues, education, anger issues,etc... They may have some classes for you and your daughter to take. I've heard some good things about Girls, Inc. It might be worth calling and finding out more about it. We've mainly had boys, so we've actually used Girls, Inc. However, I have heard other foster parents using it. I know it is a community center geared toward girls.

The Parenting Center has great classes also for parents. They even have a Warm Line you can call and ask questions and get parenting advice. The Parenting Center is in Fort Worth and you can look it up in the phone book.

That's great that you are taking the time to bike ride with her. I would continue that inside the house and play games with her or cards or whatever she enjoys doing. Maybe she would like to help you cook? You could have a Mom and Daughter date and go out to eat at her favorite restaurant or go shopping for the food and make a special dessert that she would enjoy making.

I'll keep you in my prayers. If all these things don't help, you may want to see a play therapist or get assistance from a counselor at school (when school starts up again). Play Therapists are great, we've used them and it really helps the kids and for you to find out what else is going on. Kids usually show their emotions in their play. She's definitely showing frustration and anger, however there may be more going on that you don't know about.

Another thing is to have family meetings at the dinner table. Once a week, set aside a little bit of time after dinner for everyone to share any problems, concerns, thing they would like to see change in the house/rules, consequences. You can go around the table, everyone have a time to saysomething if they want to. You can openly discuss things with everyone at the table. We use to do this with our older foster kids even on daily basis, say what good thing happened to you today? If there was anything bad, they could share that also.

I hope this helps and I hope things improve for you and your daughter. Keep at it, I know it is frustrating. You will get thru this, however it will take some time and effort and you have to think outside the box and get creative too.

This is my life!! I'm sorry to hear it for you, but I have to admit I'm glad my 7 year old daughter is not the only one who acts this way. I feel the same as you. It's heartbreaking. I also have a 17 month old and I've been wondering if that is affecting her behavior. She was the only child for so long and now the "baby" is stealing her thunder. It's especially bad when my mom is around. I don't think she likes sharing Grandma. Anyway, her school really promotes the "love and logic" theory. It's great in the school environment, but I'm not sure how practical it is at home. (For me anyway) I am trying to teach her about choices which is making her take ownership of her actions. Good luck. You are not alone.

Wow!! What happened to who is the parent and who is the child? She seems to think that she is 16 instead of 7. She picked a route for the bike ride that was difficult even for her friend (who didn't or wouldn't say anything). What is she trying to prove? What happened to respect my parents/elders? Are you trying to be a friend and not a parent. As a parent you will hurt her feelings and she may think you are mean it's just part of life. The good old "you won't let me" statement. You have been on this planet a little longer than she and have seen and done things that she hasn't and are looking out for her best interests. I always told my two that I cared deeply about them and if I didn't I wouldn't worry about what they did. You will have to sit down with her in a peaceful quiet time and talk one on one to her go to lunch and do this away from the home setting. Let her express why she feels the way she does and what is causing it. Really listen and take notes if you have to. Are you spending more time with the little one than her? Think of ways you can respond to her that she does not push your hot buttons and work from there. This is a tough age and they are trying to find their own identity. Whatever you do be consistent with her with boundaries and discipline and love her. The storming off and slamming doors would have to stop or it will be worse at 15. Try temperance and lots of patience. The other S.

Just a short note...My husband & I are in family counseling right now, due to the fact that we are a blended family. Our Christian counselor uses a lot of references from the Love & Logic series, and I have since started reading the book for teens (of which I need to read for our situation), and it is GREAT!! Find the one that is for younger children, and start learning to apply what they advise, to your daughter, and I'm sure you will see some results. They give concrete, word for word examples. The seriesof books are by Jim Fay and Foster Cline.

Hello T.,

You're not alone. I think it's a double edge sword because I want my kids to verbally defend themselves and at the same time be respectful. Something that has helped a little the past couple of months is that when they start giving a sassy reply I interrupt and say "the answer is 'Yes, Mommy'" and many times they comply and that's the end of it. it's not a silver bullet but it has curved a lot of it. many times I tell them "this would be the respectful way of saying ....whatever it was they said. and most of the time my 8 year old says, sorry Mom, I didn't know. there are a lot more teaching moments coming...so brace yourself. I don't want my kids to be doormats and balancing that with being respectul....a lot of times is more than what they (and I)can handle. good luck and patience for us all! ~C.~

I like Catherine's advice, too.

Praise her, for certain.

She needed to be re-directed during the bike ride, but I've been in the same situation and it's REALLY hard to do when you feel like she's driving you crazy on purpose. But she's not, really.

You could have removed yourself from the bike ride too. Even with the friend there.... you could have said, "I'm not having fun anymore (without saying the reason) and I want to go home." Then let your daughter direct the result like, "me too I'm tired, let's go," or "no mom please let's finish."

I'd say more praise, alot more, and hopefully you'll need less discipline.

I have not heard of the "love and logic" program, but many seem to recommend it. I want to check it out simply for the title alone. A lot of people fail to realize that children have the capacity to think logically and make intelligent decisions.

I have been through many trainings and seminars (think Tony Robbins, Zig Zigglar, etc) where I have realized that we are solely responsible for our actions, thoughts, and behavior. It is NEVER too early to start teaching this to children. Whenever my children begin getting upset, I ask them if they are in control of their thoughts and emotions. They know (I have been doing this their whole lives- before they could even completely verbalize their feelings) that they are the only ones to control their own responses to any situation. I ask "are you in control?" and they respond yes. If they are crying, I ask them if they want to cry. Sometimes the answer is yes. They know that they need to go into the other room and collect their thoughts before continuing any confrontation.

If they are being mean or sassy, I tell them that their behavior is inappropriate. I ask them to choose if they want to be punished or if they want to change their tone and apologize. I tell them that it is their decision.

If you speak calmly and rationally to your child and empower her by letting them know that she holds some control, then you change the situation. If you yell at her, then this only opens the door for a yelling match where no one wins.

You still are going to have times when you fight, but an occasional fight is not completely unhealthy. Treat your child with respect and she will respect you.