My 6 Yo's Mouth and Attitude Is Driving Me Crazy!

Have you heard of the book: "Love and Logic"? As a teacher, I know it is well respected and I know parents of young children that also use it.

My 7 yo son has attitude and a mouth, but I do not tolerate it one bit. We talk a lot about respect in our house, and I think putting it back on them sometimes makes them see it more clearly. Sometimes I'll mimic the way he just spoke to me, and ask if he likes hearing it, like being on the other side of the fence. Kids are so self-centered that they have to be told how ugly they sound! It's such a shame we mothers have to put up with so much.

I have realized that when things get ugly, however, it's actually time to step up the love. Often times my son is just acting out because we haven't spent much quality time together. Have you and DD done anything special lately? Plan something FUN, or just spend some time being silly with her, letting her know that you have 2 sides - the fun, loving side and the parental, authoritative side. Sometimes kids push back simply because they don't want to follow our rules ("just because") but when they know and feel our genuine love, then they understand that there are boundaries to their behavior. If you are constantly reminding her of her negative behavior, then that's all she's going to play in her head, that she's bad and you're mean. She'll resent you, you'll resent her, and the groundwork for some real mental issues are laid. Have you tried rewards, instead of punishment? Sometimes a simple play on words is like magic. Instead of telling her she can't play outside because she misbehaved, tell her she CAN play outside if she shows improvement in her attitude. Whatever you do, don't forget praise and love.

Hi Michelle,

Your child senses when you are not confident and not sure of yourself. You have to be firm, however reward her when she does well. I would suggest a reward board and a certain amount of points. Some suggestings would be things she likes etc. ice cream at McDonalds, an inexpensive toy, chalk, baby doll,etc.
Chores also count to receive rewards.
Time out works great for my child, one minute per year of age. I also count to 3. The first and second count is a warning, if I have to count to 3 she gets time out or a spanking. After doing this several times she knows I will keep my word. So most of the time I don't even count to 2. However you have to be consistant.

We've begun using the book "How to make your child mind without losing yours" with our 5 year old son and I really like it. It's based on logical consequences, not punishment.

For example: He jumps on the couch, he's not allowed to sit on it for the rest of the day. If he back talks me he's sent to his room to think about his behavior. He breaks his sister's toy he has to pay her or give her one of his. Just this morning he went to school without his backpack, which I reminded him to take, so he won't get the extra treat for returning his papers.

There is a place in the plan for punishment (including spanking), but it's used sparingly. The idea is that our actions have consequences and kids will learn self-control if we allow them to suffer the consequences of their actions instead of 'saving' them. Believe me, I wanted to save him this morning and take him the backpack, but I stood firm, told him how sorry I was that he would miss his treat, and reminded him that it was his responsibility to bring his backpack. He wasn't happy, but didn't throw a fit (which is a huge improvement).

We also use a reward system correlated to the daily school behavior chart and extra chores at home.
Green day at school = 1 token, he can spend his tokens (computer games, WII, night with mom & dad, etc), and can participate in any extra family plans for the night.
Yellow day at school = no token, he can spend his earned tokens, but cannot participate in extra family plans (movie, park, etc)
Red day at school = loses a token, can't spend any earned tokens, can't participate in family extras, goes to bed 15 minutes earlier than the night before (that way if he has more than one red day in a row bedtime keeps moving up).

So far the reward system has worked well, and we've stressed to him that the decisions he makes result in the green/yellow/red days so whether or not he gets a reward is entirely up to him. He's had one red day (hit a classmate, automatic red) so far. The next morning at school the teacher asked him how his evening had been and he said "Not very good. Red didn't work out so well for me." So I think he's getting it.

Good luck, and remember that consistency is the key to any course you choose. Once you waffle they'll sense it like blood in the water and you're doomed.

One parenting book I read suggested that when it gets really tough to get respect, take away ALL forms of entertainment, except books. Take it all out to the garage or wherever you can store it and make the child earn back each item one at a time.

I believe this advice was from John Rosemond (www.rosemond.com) in his book called "A Family of Value." I've appreciated his advice in many areas because it really works in our family.

I have a 6yo too. I swear sometimes, I think she's been possessed by aliens. Anyway, when she is rude and disrespectful to me, and doesn't respond to my warnings, I remove tv and computer privileges. For the rest of the day, and if she continues to complain, I add days. ( mine watch too much tv and computer time anyway.) If it continues, we use timeout while sister gets to do fun stuff. I usually make sure to explain that rude behavior and disrespect are unacceptable and will not be tolerated. I remind her how she feels when someone talks to her that way.

In the past, I have boxed up her favorite toys and movies and put them in lockdown for a week. whatever you use will work, if you are consistent. If you use a threat or ultimatum, then follow thru at all cost. then next time, she will know you mean business.

Good luck
B.

She dares to talk to you this way because she gets away with it. My daughter went through the same thing not too long ago. We tried the positive reinforcements, sticker charts, etc. Worked for a day, maybe. Then right back to it. So...

She got grounded to her room. The length of time varied with the behavior. Lots of times, it was just for the morning, but a few times, she earned all day long. And that's how I put it to her...you have now earned X because of your behavior. And I made sure to go in and talk to her so that she understood why she was there, and that if she is going to choose to speak to people that way or treat people that way, then she just can't be around people. That's not how people treat each other.

It lasted a few weeks. And she is now a joy to be around. She occasionally regresses a touch, and she goes straight to her room, no questions, no comments -- for about 5 minutes to get her back on track.

It's worked for us, and we're all much happier -- even though, yes, it was really, really rotten going through it. There were several days that I just went into my room and cried. But -- seeing her now, it's worth it.

Good luck.

Be firm with your child. Good spanking on the bottom will send a clear message. Your daughter does what she does because she knows she can. She knows who means business. She knows her limits and that doesn't involve you. She feels like she can run all over you. Stop that now!!! You don't want this to continue on into her teenage years. Show her who is boss!!!!

My daughter is 5 going on 20 too. When she gets out of line:
1. If we are in public, whatever it is we were doing stops right there. It can be disappointing and inconvenient but she gets the message real quick.
2. At home, she goes to her room to cool down. Usually about 5 minutes. I'll check on her and if she's calmed down we talk about what happened. I ask her "Why did the fun stop?" or "WHy are we here?" If she's not ready or give an in appropriate answer and starts to throw a fit all over again, I let her cool down some more.
3. Then we talk about punishment. She knows the drill so well that she can now tell me what's going to happen. She'll say, "I thew a fit so no kid show" or computer or whatever. I have 3 or 4 things that I take away depending how big the fit was dictates how much I take away. Usually, I take it one day at a time on punishment, allowing her to start fresh the next day. Or if I took away more than one thing, she can earn them back with respectful behavior (not everything just one thing).
4. If I already know that a transition is going to be difficult (i.e. stopping the computer and going to the bath), I will talk about it before hand. "When I tell you its time to get off the computer, what are you going to do?" She is to say,"I will say yes Mama and do it." This helped immensely with things that, in the past, had been guaranteed to cause a tantrum.

I agree, also, that you should spend a lot of time doing fun things with your daughter. Usually misbehavior in our house happens for a couple of reasons. Either one or both of us is tired and not communicating well. Or my little girl is spending too much time with the TV and computer and not enough time with me or playing outside. Usually when she is punished, I take away the computer and TV. This not only makes her sad, it also forces me to spend some time playing pretend or a board game with her and that will almost always fix a communication breakdown for a long time.

Good Luck (I know you have your hands full)

My child isn't that old yet... but I love to watch the Super Nanny (Jo Frost) and how she handles these same situations. She has written some books that I hear are wonderful, they were both New York Times bestsellers.

"Supernanny: How to Get the Best from Your Children"
"Ask Supernanny: What Every Parent Wants to Know"

I understand your frustration to a small degree... my son listens to my husband, but not me! I definately think she is old enough to know better and have tv and computer taken away from her. I teach 6 year olds, and sometimes, you just have to be firm and unmovable in your discipline.

I acted like this until I was 16. My mom tried the whole grounding thing, she said it made me worse and started some form of depression in me. I would be careful with that. Thats all I can really give you on it. I know that I was out of control until I was 16. Then my mom gave up and let me do whatever. I had rules like, if you come home drunk and puke on the floor, clean it up yourself. I wouldn't suggest giving up. I was pregnant a year later. I like the idea of supernanny. I've watched her show and that woman does amazing things. I wish my mom would have done something like that with me. Haha! My mom and I are best friend's now and I love her to death but thats because I was forced to grow up and I started to understand that everything she was doing was for a reason. Maybe talking it out with your daughter could help? Try to put her on a level with you. "Would you appreciate me talking to you like this?" Good luck, I feel for my mom all the time for putting up with my attitude for 12 years and I'm sorry you're having a hard time! Hopefully its a faze she'll grow out of!

This book has helped me:

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Six-Year-Old-Louise-Bates-Ames...

Another good book is The 5 Love Languages. I believe they have one for marriage and children. But they are all the same. It helps you learn what your child reacts to. Do they like materialistic things, hugs, compliments, time with you, etc. Everyone responds to discipline differently. Where one of my children really does not care if I take his toys away, but if I don't hug him and show I am dissapointed in him it hurts more. If I have learned anything it is that every child is different. My sister and I where raised the same but acted out very differently because of the outcome. I hope you figure out what works for you. L.

M.,

All three of my kids went through this stage. The one thing that worked was a good spanking. Now I don't mean a beating. Just the taking of a wooden spoon and spanking their bottom with it. For most offenses, time-outs work for my kids. But for rebellion such as talking back to me and other sassy acts, a good 2-3 hits from that spoon does wonders. And it may take 2 or 3 times before they believe you mean it.

Don't be afraid it will hurt their psyche. It won't! In fact the Bible says if you spare the rod, you hate your child. I've noticed that kids WANT discipline. Strict boundaries let them know their limits and that makes them more secure.

The severity of their actions should determine the severity of the discpline. Disobedience and rebellion are severe, I think. Forgetting to do something or less sever problems should not be met with spankings but with the logical consequences or time-outs or loss of activities. But rebellion must be gotten out of a child or they will miserable all their lives.

Just remember---its for their benefit.

Hope this helps,
A. S.

Unfortunately, I deal with similar behavior from my 3 year old. She likes to hit me and scream no over and over, no matter the consequences. Her daddy, sho isn't home most of the time) can get her to mind, nothing like I can. I have been being much harder on her and putting my foot down. You can not ever let them win, they will control you forever. I know this is hard and sometimes being the "meany" really hurts. (now, I understand the cliche...this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you) All I know is that no matter how bad I feel at the time for being so hard on her, it is in her best interest. Don't get me wrong, I do cave in sometimes and let things go. It's super tough to be a mother, but know I'm sure your doing a great job. The reward when they are in their 20's is very great! They will appreciate the direction and discipline you give. Good Luck, and feel free to vent on here to me if you wish. I'm always a great ear for listening. J., mother of 6, 2 dogs and a great husband!