My 4Yo Thinks of Me as Her Playmate. HELP!

I have the same problem with my 3 year old only child. I keep hoping it will get better with age. I do try to get her to help me when I'm doing something and it's feasible that she helps - she loves to cook dinner and wash windows. Unfortunately, I usually end up letting her watch tv just so I can have some time to myself.

You are doing great! Don´t be afraid, this is not going to be forever, it will pass soon....meanwhile be patience (sound so easy...I know). If you can, I think that having another baby can help to break this strong tie with you...if you plan to have another child, maybe this is the moment. My kids play together, my first girl plaied a lot whith the second even when the second was only 6 months old.

As much as we love our children, the biggest mistake we make is when we forget to set boundraies. It is not a sin to say no some times. Beleive it or not the no we learn to say rargardless of rather they will full down, cry or what ever, if you teach them no now, they will understand it later. Also if we teach them no at home, they wont embarrise us in the public. You must tech your child at a early age to respet your time, or else you will never have time to yourselve. I might sound pretty harsh, but we are dealing with a different kin then we were and even different than what our parents were. ( of kid that is)

P.

Maybe you could get your other work done while she is at preschool, or sleeping....or hire a teenager to keep her occupied for a few hours while you are in the other room doing work. Some kids just are very social and need to be entertained all the time....my daughter was that way. She also loved movies, so i could put on a movie for her if i really needed to get something done. My son was just the opposite....he could always entertain himself, even by looking at his hands when he was a baby! I actually think it's a good sign that she loves to interact so much; she will be socially well adjusted when she gets to school!

Also, I don't want to sound preachy, but sometimes you need to just stop what you're doing and enjoy some time with her. I used to complain that my kids hung onto my legs while I was trying to cook, or wouldn't let me go to the bathroom alone! But soon enough, they grow into independent young people and their friends become more important than you. Then you will look back and savor those times when you were "princess mailman mommy"! My own kids are 17 and 15 this fall. I always took them everywhere....on vacations around the world, even rock concerts. Now they are asking to go to a rock concert just with their friends....and not me! It's only a year and a half until my daughter graduates and goes off to college.....and she wants to be far from home! I look at pictures of my little princess and cherish the days when she wanted to play "pretty pretty princess" board game again and again.....and how i used to read to her, lying next to her in her bed at night, until my husband came in and asked "what's going on in here?" There is a little book called "Emma and Mommy talk to God" which is one of my favorites, because it celebrates the special bond between a young girl and her mom. I still have that book because it reminds me of those times. Now we still have a special bond, but it is different....a year or so ago I came to the stark realization that my kids no longer "need" me. My son once said "mom, I am not that nice Catholic boy I was in second grade...." and part of me actually grieved for that part of him that I loved so much, and is now just a memory. So my point is, enjoy it while it lasts....take time to stop and smell the roses together. You won't regret that you did!

The constant interruptions can be pretty frustrating can't they?

It sounds like she's trying to get your attention, and getting frustrated sometimes when she can't get it when she wants it. I'm not saying you don't give it to her, because you do interact with her and play with her, but for a 4 year old, its hard to tell time, and its hard to anticipate when the next time you will play with her is. 4 year olds also aren't known for their patience either.

When you say "I can play with you sometimes, but not right now" she's probably thinking, "well, when CAN you play with me?" Maybe instead you can say "I can't play with you right now, but when I am done folding the laundry (or after lunch, or after x, or whenever) I will play with you for 10 minutes." This way she knows that you can't play right now, but she can anticipate when you are available for some play time. This technique also puts some boundaries on her and shows her that you won't drop what you are doing and give in to her every demand to play.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

Here's another idea. How about if you put up a large clock that you and she create together. Then have some removable stickers or even post-its that say things like "mommy & me playtime" and "my special playtime" and "daddy & me playtime" and also other things like naptime, bedtime, bathtime, mealtimes, and so on. Some of the things will likely stay the same, but the playtimes might vary from day to day.

It will work best if it is placed near a real clock so that she can see what time things are going to happen. This way she will still get her time with you that she needs (like one person said, she is only little once and when it's gone you will MISS these times!!!) but also it will help her to learn to wait for appropriate times to do things.

Children thrive on schedules. Even when they seem to rebel against it, their inner beings really do need a routine that is dependable. You are correct in realizing that she needs to develop a respect for others when they are unable to respond immediately to her requests.

It is difficult for her to adjust quickly because you have spent her entire life catering to her, but when teaching children something new it always helps to make it a sort of game, to get them completely involved in it. If she gets to put the sticker in the spot (give her two time choices: do you want your mommy & me time here at 11:00 or here at 2:00?) then she is more likely to agree to what she herself has decided.

I wouldn't expect a new baby to provide the cure -- instead a new baby will likely be seen as an intruder, and be resented.

I agree with some of the other responses. Maybe a good idea would be to set a timer, say for 20 or 30 minutes and tell her that you can play with her when the timer rings, but she must not interrupt you before she hears it ring (unless it's an emergency, of course). This may help to give her an idea of how long "time" takes...

So cute! :) As a Princes-Mailman-Mommy myself, I can relate. I am a SAHM, with a 4 year old daughter. My husband works allot (so that I can stay home) which means most of the time its just the two of us (me and my daughter). Most of the time I feel guilty that she doesn't have a sibling and I know that the clock is ticking... Even if I were to get pregnant now, I wonder if they would be able to play with each other - as they would be 5 years apart. But, like you and your husband, we are trying. The only difference, actually, is that my daughter has an excellent imagination and plays very well by herself. Which actually leads me into my suggestion for your daughter - talk to the mothers and find a child who is creative and plays well alone and arrange a few play-dates with them. While the little ones play you can ask Mom how her son/daughter came to be such an individual. Also, I would limit the amount of stimulation and entertainment for the little duo. Force the creative child to be resourceful and perhaps your daughter will pick up on it. Other than that, it's just a hard life lesson that single children have to learn at some point. I feel guilty typing that, because of my own little girl, but it's true. It sounds like you have an imaginative and vivacious little girl and she will probably figure out soon how to entertain herself. With my daughter - it just happened. She still wants to play tag and tickle and dress-up and just be silly in any way possible with me, but she can also sit down with the most mundane objects and be perfectly fine.

Good luck to you (in more ways than one). :)

Hi K., first let me say that I HAD the same problem with my 3 year old. And you need to treat it just as any other disobedience. Tell her when she is not to interrupt you then if she interrupts explain to her that you expect her to obey then give a little spanking and send her back to play alone. Try not to make the time alone too long @ 30-60 minutes. If she interupts again, simply repeat above calmly and lovingly. She will play alone cheerfully.

YokaReader.com helped us so much with a similair problem, good luck, k

I experience the same thing with my little 4 yr old princess and it is everyday since she doesn't do prek! At first I was somewhat more limiting.... Saying no more often, explaining that I needed to fold laundry, use the computer etc but now I spend most of the days playing and interacting because I know my days with her even wanting me to do those things are numbered. As much as it's 'interuptive' try to put yourself in her shoes.... She is a kid and wants to play with someone. She enjoys interacting with you ( something that won't happen as often in later years when the friends you have hoped for become 1st choice).

What I guess I'm saying is that her time as a little daydreaming child is so very very short and the memories and opportunities you have each and every time that she asks you to play are so special. If it were me I would take advantage of as many requests as possible. Sure, some chores have to be accomplished but maybe they can be done when she is at prek? Or make a fun game out of having her help you? Maybe pick a few things that you can put off until Daddy is home and is playing with her in the evening? Another option is to make it more clear so she knows what to expect each day such as - we can play together from after breakfast until 11 am and show her the clock, then you can relax or play on your own until lunch at noon, then we will play again until 3pm and then she is on her own until Daddy gets home.... I also recommend more planned events for her 'alone' time such ad getting out and setting up the play doh stuff or the paints, etc starting a Lego or block project and then asking her to continue, act excited about seeing her finished work.

Every kid is different and some need more interaction than others at different ages... Right now she needs you.... Try to be understanding and realize that chores, cleaning and all that stuff is sooooo back seat to playing and enjoying quality time with a little one. Before you know it she will be gone all day everyday and you will miss the requests because someone else will be sharing that time with her daily.....

Hang in there, take a breath and enjoy your little princess! This too shall pass.....

I agree with giving her some of her own "chores" to do while you are doing yours, or helping you. Kids that age definitely like to be like their parents. My kids always had their own little kid sized broom, mop, iron, etc. She can even play "mommy" and run her own imaginative house, doing what you do.
But my other recommendations are 1. to set up a reward system. while mommy does the dishes, say, if she doesn't interrupt you at all, she gets a pre-set reward. It can be one reward per thing/time you are doing something, or set up a sticker system--she gets a sticker each time and when she gets say 5 stickers, she gets the reward. This age they start to put it all together, their actions lead up to consequences, good or bad.
Then I also think you do need to set up limits for her to grasp. 2. Set a timer so she knows exactly when you WILL be able to play with her OR say, if she doesn't interrupt you now, you'll be able to play with her after dinner, or when daddy gets home or whatever. Give her specifics.
3. Instead of just making suggestions of what she can do while you are busy, either actually get one out and begin it---kids don't like to just hear ideas, but when they see it, they might go for it (this goes for food, too) This lasts for a while--my daughter is 10 now and still won't take my suggestions sometimes, but if I get it out, she changes her mind. OR YOU plan something without asking really. Say while you are doing laundry, it's coloring time for her. And make it a regular thing. If you tell her how much you want to see what she has done afterwards, she will be that much more interested. Like draw mommy a picture of . . .or build a castle with the blocks, I can't wait to see it.
Good luck. SOmetimes it just takes time, so stick with it. You've got lots of suggestions from all these messages and you and your daughter will do just fine.

First, it takes alot of patience. I homeschool my 4 kids, so when I need time to take care of something alone, it can be an issue. My oldest three, 5,6, and 9, know now to leave me alone when I tell them I need mommy time, but I'm still working with the 3 year old. I simply sat them down (repeatedly) and told them, there are times when I need time alone to do what I need to get done. It's important. Also, everyone wants to be alone sometimes, don't you? As soon as I'm done, we will do something. It took several of these conversations, but now they do leave me be in the office when I ask. My three year old still runs in wanting to play, but I keep trying and I figure he'll get it just like the other three did. I always make sure they have tasks, such as a movie, particular craft project or game. It sounds like she has plenty to do, so just keep explaining to her. Another suggestion, is to give her "work" to do also. Sometimes my kids like that. I tell them I need them to research in the back yard and see how many frogs they can find or something like that, then have them write me a short story or draw a picture. Then I scan them into the computer and email grandma. This doesn't work as well with my 9 year old, so he has a journal that he writes in and lots of books. But even he is willing to go frog or leaf hunting occasionally. Also, like someone else said, let her help with whatever she can help with.

Hi K..

I know it is challenging and stressful. And yes, the timer sounds like a great idea because you DO need not only to have boundaries, but to make her aware of what they are, so she can learn self-control.

BUT, consider also, that this could largely be a function of her personality. All children (people in general) have their own unique personalities, but there are some generalizations that can be made. She is probably just more outgoing, gregarious/ extroverted. Some kids are more shy and introverted. She sounds like an extrovert. There is nothing wrong with that and you can't change her innate personality. Figuring out a method that works for you both to manage your time is another matter. But the fact that she craves your attention for play time isn't a sign that you are doing something "wrong"... or failing at something...

My son was a HANDFUL when he was small and ALWAYS needed my attention to play. It was very hard for him to stay entertained alone. My daughter, 3 yrs behind him, is the opposite, much easier to "manage" and more shy and quiet. These days (he is 11 yrs and she is 8) he can play alone VERY easily... but his preference is still to find his sister to play something. And he makes friends EVERYWHERE he goes.. and I mean EVERYWHERE, and not always the same age as himself! Changing schools (which he has done several times) has never been as stressful for him as it might have been for some other kids... because he just makes friends that fast...
My daughter, on the other hand, is perfectly content to play alone, quietly for HOURS... she will allow him to drag her outside to play.. but she usually makes him compromise in some way b/c the social aspect is just less important to her. She is a little shy around new faces, but eventually warms up. It usually takes half the year before her teachers at school see even an inkling of her true personality. She has plenty of friends too, but she takes a little longer and is more selective about the whole process.

So, while I know it is very hard right now, celebrate this extrovertedness in your daughter. It is just a sign of her personality. She will probably be the kid at school that always has lots of friends around her. You probably won't have to worry about her sitting home alone later on... she'll be out doing things with her friends!

Stop what your doing and play with her. She is only little once. If you don't you will look back later when she is grown and gone and kick yourself for all the things you missed out on. My girls are both in college and beleive me, if they call and need me I drop what I am doing and go. I was a single Mom and had to work while they were growing up. Most of the time two jobs plus mow almost two acres of grass by hand. I still stopped what I was doing to play with them when I was home. Sometimes the grass would be too deep but time with them is worth so much more. I would have given anything to have had more time with them. So before you complain about not getting anything done. Stop, look around, then look at your daughter. Decide what's more important, a clean house, dinner on the table on time or your daughter. I hope you make the right choice next time she wants to play. Get her involved in helping you with the dishes, sweeping the floors, etc....She's old enough to help out, but only if she wants to..It's your choice but I hope you make the right one. Don't you ever wish your Mom would have stopped what she was doing to play with you????

My ideas have already been said, but I'll reiterate so you have one more person agreeing. Set a timer for play time alone, give her small chores to help with (something she can do next to you or help you with). Kids at this age are more than capable of helping sort and fold laundry, sort and organize their toys, help with dinner, even "help" clean the floor or dust. OK you may have to go over her areas a bit, but as long as she lets you do your thing, whatever. I will say I do not agree with two answers: 1) stop and play with her because time goes by quickly. It doesnt sound like your are too busy all the time to play and children have to learn that mommy cant be 24/7 entertainment. 2) spanking her. what? She is four and wants to play. At this age they can hardly entertain themselves without help for 15 minutes. I do not think spanking a child for wanting to play is okay on any level. So there is my thought. I'm in the same boat with my soon to be 4yo son, and he has a 16mth old sister. If you come up with any brainstorms let me know. Good luck. This too shall pass!! Probably faster than we want.

Let her help you with your work. Give her a job. She'll get to spend time with you and you can get things done. Kids love to clean. My girls are 4 1/2 and 3 and they love to wash windows, clean counters, clean toliets. The things aren't spotless when they are done but they learn hand control by using the spray bottle and hand and eye plus control of limbs with the rag. She can also put away her dishes from the dishwasher. Kids don't have to "play" all the time. Give them a job now and then when they are older they will be used to chores because they have grown up with it.