My 4 Yr Old at the Lake

I had one boy who never had any fear of the water, never any fear of jumping into anything. he was a fun, athletic kid, but as a teen that jumping in first, looking later caused Big problems. I have another son, who was slow to warm up, afraid of the water. He likes to watch for a long time before he participates in anything. He enjoyed playing in the sand for yrs. the first time we took him to the ocean he was terrified. At 8 he is comfortable in the water. Think about what kind of adult you want him to be? one who looks before he leaps? One who thinks about his actions and is cautious??

Let him do what's comfortable for him. He sounds like he wants to hang on the beach with his car. Fine - no big deal. Don't listen to what others say. I have a daughter who does not speak around other people and does not engage with others. Imagine the comments I get. At home she is a playful outgoing girl. She does not fit into the social norms, thus the comments. I try to not let other sway my view of my daughters development or 2nd guess myself.

Please read the thread on being slow to warm up (question asked today). I'd give you the same advice in this situation. Respect that your son knows his limits and help to communicate those limits to others in a confident, assured way. "He prefers playing in the sand and will approach the water if/when he wants to - but in the meantime, we enjoy just being on the shore" and say it with a smile.

Really, when you respect their preferences and boundaries, they increase their self confidence and really will enjoy things when they're ready. Think about it - if you were invited to a place on a regular basis where there was something you enjoyed doing and something you either didn't enjoy or were afraid of, and every time you went the people you were with didn't let you just enjoy what you enjoy and instead focused on getting you to do what you don't want to do, wouldn't that ruin the whole experience for you and make you not want to go at all? Of course it would! So let him do what he likes and don't worry about what the other kids are doing or other parents say. You just have to say "he's fine playing here!" with confidence and a smile and they'll get the hint that really, he's fine.

He's perfectly normal and there is nothing that needs to be fixed in this situation. Respect his preference and limitations and later, when he's ready, he'll have the confidence and self-assurance to turn to you for help with moving into the water (or whatever milestone he's facing).

Sounds like your friend was being a little snarky.

I would say just let him do it at his own pace. If you can get him do some some stuff in the water with you that he actually enjoys that is great. Just try not to make the lake a negative experience.

You are probably right and your son is probably just a little more introverted. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Good luck and enjoy your lake trip.

My first thought would be that he needs some more exposure to the water in a controlled environment. A big ole lake can be extremely terrifying to a child. Also if he has not had swimming lessons, then I feel like you're really starting off with something that is going to make him feel like he's in over his head.

I know that you say that you cannot afford swimming lessons, and you're not confident enough in your skills to teach him, but if these are both the case, then I do not feel like you should be taking him to the lake. You are expecting him to be comfortable around the water with minimal exposure and literally no tools to be able to help him become more comfortable. I promise that I am not trying to criticize you...not at all. I do think you need to find a way to ease him into the water, and I feel that lessons are the way to go. Also, for the record, our local recreation commission has swimming lessons for $15 for a 1 or 2 week session. That's 5-10 one hour sessions (depending upon what level the child is in). In the lower levers, the parent is in the water with the child (which is great, because it can also help teach you of ways to help your child). Even when money is tight, we can scrounge up $15 per child to get some lessons....and lessons are SO very important.

Couple of other things....going with what you're currently doing, I would not force him, but I would ease him in as much as you reasonably can. Also, I would talk with him ahead of time to let him know what he can expect (and then stick to that). For example, "When we get to the lake, we have to have our life vest on. This is to help keep us safe. Let's try it on now to see what it feels like." He needs to have his vest on even when he is playing in the sand by the water....the lake is not the place to take chances. Also, "Tomorrow, when we go to the lake, you are going to hold on to mommy and we are going to spend 10 minutes walking in the water/floating on the inner tube/etc. Mommy will be with you the whole time, and I won't let go."

Learning to swim is so very important. I really hope you'll do whatever you can to teach him how to swim. If you don't feel confident in your teaching skills, then please teach him as much as you feel confident with. Work with him on floating on his back. Make it fun. Ask him to look for the stars or the birds in the sky. Encourage him to get the back of his hair wet. In the bath tub at home, try to get him to blow bubbles under the water, etc.

Good luck!

Added: Just to clarify, that is $15 TOTAL (not per session)...that one time $15 covers all of the lessons. Look around. Hopefully you can find some reasonably priced lessons for your son!

Yes, most children his age will run right into the water. My son is the same age (just turned 5) and we literally have to pull him out of the pool or ocean to eat something.

If his behavior is fear driven, then lessons would be the best thing to get him comfortable and SAFE in the water. At this age, he needs to know how to swim if you will be near the water. Lessons are NOT expensive (check out the JCC or the YMCA) and are truly the best way to get him through this. Until he feels safe, there's no way he's going to enjoy the experience.

In the meantime, put on the t-shirt and life vest at home, so if there is a tantrum it happens in the privacy of your living room. Allow him to do what he likes at the lake, but continue inviting him to join you near the water. Sit at the edge of the lake with your feet in and have him sit next to you. If that's OK, ask if he wants to take a walk around the lake with your feet in the water. Baby steps...

Lessons are essential, though.

Fear of the water is common in kids and many adults.
I was always afraid of the water as a child, and my son (first born) was as well, so I was sensitive to it.
For me, peer pressure, the GOOD kind, when you see your friends having so much fun you get over your fear, kicked in when I was about 11. That's when I finally got the courage not only to go under water but to learn how to swim as well.
For my son, he was 8. My girls were little fish from day one and never had any issues but my son was more like me. He just needed some time to feel confident and comfortable.
Your "friends" don't know what they're talking about. Of course keep encouraging him but there's no need to worry or to push him, especially if he's perfectly content to play in the sand. He'll get there eventually!

I'm not sure what your concern is. Are you worried that he doesn't like something that many kids like? Are you worried that he is fearful?

Maybe he doesn't like the size of the lake - too big, too much expanse without boundaries, or a fear of the deep water (or the lake grass he senses or the yucky lake bottom). Maybe it's the chaos of the kids running around and screaming, splashing. Maybe he doesn't like the feel of cold water on his skin,or all the sunscreen being lathered on. Maybe he got water in his eyes or nose, or maybe he doesn't like the taste. Maybe he doesn't like the constraints of the life vest. It sounds like he enjoys the on-short activities of playing in the sand. What's wrong with that, other than you paid admission or for a parking pass?

Have you tried water play in a smaller pool in your yard, or sprinkler play? If you don't have this available, what happens if you take him to a sprinkler park? Does he take his shirt off for other activities in other situations, such as running around outside? Does the sand bother him if it gets wet and gets in his bathing suit? What happens in the bathtub?

Right now, he doesn't need swim lessons per se. He needs to feel comfortable in the water, and eventually learn to hold his breath and put his face in the water. Most early swim lessons involve just water acclimation - hold the side of the pool and kick your feet, maybe holding a flotation device (for this age, a wrap-around noodle works for some kids), and "blowing bubbles" by putting your face in the water for just 2 seconds. He's got to do all of that before he works on things like paddling or working on learning anything resembling a stroke.

I'd try some other venues to nail down what the issue is - noise, chaos, sensory issues relating to water, fear of depth, etc. And otherwise I wouldn't push it.

You might try a local Y or community center which is relatively cheap and let them take you on a tour - tell them what the issue is so they don't force him to say he'd like it. Tour during a kiddie swim class so he can see the kids, see the accessories they use, and so on.

I don't think you can force the issue but right now you just don't know enough about what his aversion is, and he's not able to verbalize it. I'd find some other activities for enrichment - most libraries have free passes for museums and science centers and so forth, local farms have strawberry and blueberry picking, some garden centers have animals or petting zoos. Just keep expanding his horizons and don't worry so much about one activity involving the lake.

Does he like the pool? Do you have any friends that would be certified or experienced enough to teach him? I wouldn't be at all concerned about the fact that he likes to play alone. Everyone is entitled to their personality type. I would be more concerned about learning to swim and water safety.

I think your friend's comment was pretty snotty, by the way.

My son was the same way and still sort of is. He love love loves the pool but any lake or open water he would rather sit on the beach and hang out.
each child is different.
I would check with your local pool to see how their swim lessons work. I believe all kids should know how to swim.
Enjoy and try not to worry what others think or say, each kid is different
many blessings

All kids take to water differntly. My son, 18 months wanted to jump in the pool with out us hold him or anything. So we got him this.

http://www.walmart.com/search/search-ng.do?ic=16_0&Fi...

I love this thing and my daugther is now 2 I will be getting her one for her birthday. Altho right now she wants NOTHING to do in the water.. I hope that once it warms up a litte more here. She will be encouraged to want to be in the water more.

Every child is different, they all have different sensory needs. Maybe that item will help him feel more secure and he will want to go in more?

Good luck.

How about an inflatable pool at home? Some people in general need to be able to see and feel the bottom of the water where their feet are.

How is he in a tub, with splashing, with his face getting wet?

Some people do not like their faces splashed.

Some do not like moving bodies of water.

Start with the tub.. Move to inflatable, then a quiet swimming pool, etc.

At daycare do they play in a pool? Sprinklers? Our daycare offered swimming lessons as part of the curriculum. They had a private pool and instructor.

I think it depends on the child.. If the parent is confident and matter of fact, usually the children will respond the same..but if the child has issues with splashed faces, moving water, etc.. It will take some time..

Do you take him to the regular pool when you're not at the lake? It might be a good transition to help him get used to the water, etc. You don't necessarily need to teach him "to swim" but you can play games, stick your head under, blow bubbles, etc. That said, even kids who love the pool might get scared in a lake b/c of the size, depth, color, etc., so it's hard telling, but I think exposure to and getting comfortable around water is a good idea in general.

If he's happy playing in the sand and doesn't cause problems otherwise, I'd just let him do his thing. It's kind of a bummer for you if you want to be in the water, but maybe for a little bit each day your friends could watch him while you float around.

Have to talked to him to find out what his issue is with water? My son HATED to get his face and head wet so he avoided swimming. Once he actually said he didn't like water in his face or on his head we worked with it and he learned to swim. My 2nd grandson was the same way. Again by finding out what the actual problem was we were able to work with him and teach him how to swim.

Tell him that if you are going to the lake then he is going to have to learn how to swim so that he's always safe around the water. I'm sure a google search will get some instructions that you two can read together and practice.

We get scholarship at the YMCA so we only pay $20 something a month for our membership. Swim lessons are hugely discounted. So are sports and other activities.

We pay $13 per session for swim lessons at the YMCA. That's not that much. Compared to private ones or something. We can also do swim lessons through the parks and recreation department of the City. They're either free or only a few dollars per session too.

Some kids just don't like the water. My 5 year old GS is like that. He is fine in the bath, but doesn't like water on his head. He will let us wash his hair, but he will NOT take a shower and he does NOT swim or play in the water.

There is nothing wrong with him; it's not like he needs to be fixed or counseling or anything. It's just him. Don't push it or you will make it worse!

The lake is a huge body of water and can be intimidating. He's fine! Ignore your "friends". I don't know why women have to be so catty to each other (but that's a different story).

However, swim lessons are VERY important from a safety standpoint IMO. And it will give your son some confidence so maybe he'll want to swim more. I live in Mesquite, and the city offers swim lessons that are very affordable. I don't think you have to be a resident, and they have evening classes. My kids loved it and insisted on going every year, even after they were already good swimmers. Check out their website www.cityofmesquite.com.

Let him do what he wants. There is nothing wrong with playing in the sand with his cars and trucks. Keep pushing him to go in the water, and he never will. Water may not be his thing. Maybe when he is older. Let him do the things HE enjoys, not what everyone else thinks he should be doing.

Some kids are just more cautious and/or less adventurous (I was in that group well into puberty, and am still less likely to get into troublesome situations than many of my peers). That's totally within the range of "normal," no matter what outside pressure you are getting. Assuming that fun is the object, there's no problem in letting your child have fun in his own ways.

Some kids also have sensory integration difficulties, and may hate the feel of cold water or wet fabric on the skin. (I'm ever more in that group, though I've always experienced some displeasure.) Diane B. and other posts give examples of other sensory turn-offs.

If a reluctant child is pushed into new activity before they feel good about it, they are less likely to have fun. At least in my experience. And in my observation of many children over a few generations, now.

Also, drowning is possible in children who don't swim well, and is one of the most common causes of accidental death. It takes only seconds for a child to disappear under the water, so parents must be attentive at all times. Less fun, more stress for you.

At some point, your son may become open, or even eager, to learn to swim. Then he'll be open to your coaching. You can learn the basics on teaching swimming by googling "teach kids to swim" or similar phrases. While lessons are common now, when I was little, very few kids learned to swim from an instructor. Most of us gradually figured it out ourselves or with help from family members.

Do you have a YMCA near you? If you can't afford swim lessons you can get subsidized at the YMCA.

Sounds like a first born to me, enjoy it, don't worry!

My youngest was that way, he would play at the waters edge all day long but never get in water over his ankles... He did wear a vest for safety. For him it started very young, I tried to put him in the lake one day at about age two, he freaked out! Finally he sat next to a blow up kiddie pool on the shore and would put his hands in the water, he would not even get in the kiddie pool, but after that incident he became afraid of the bath for a good year! (And I had to only fill the bath about an inch) He's 8 now and not a good swimmer but he wears a vest and I can't get him out of the water!!! (He was the first one to jump in off the dock at Christmas time when we went) He slowly got used to the water in pool settings (we didn't get back to the lake for 3-4 years, because it was not close/convenient) but I just let him go at his own pace, each time I tried to push him just a little bit, sometimes he would do it sometimes not. But he is fine in the lake now, he even went tubbing behind the boat all over the lake last summer.

As far as what others say, I wouldn't worry about it, all kids do things in their own time. My three boys are so different in the way they approach things!

Also to get my kids to try new things I often ask them if they want to be a Risk Taker!? That usually gets them excited to try something new, just take it slow, he will get there!

Hey -
My son had sensory integration disorder and he HATED water and sand. So, the lake would have been a disaster for us as well. I'm NOT saying your son has sensory integration disorder, I'm just saying that I have been through something similar. With my son, we were really blessed because we joined a local gym that had a pool and they had a REALLY great "baby" pool that had a beach entry and little fountains that shot water up maybe a foot into the air. My son actually was very comfortable being around the beach entry pool. He would sit on the edge and run his hands into that 1 foot tall fountain of water. Each time we went, I also insisted that he go into the big pool with me holding him 100 %. He actually bit me on the shoulder once because he was so afraid. But, I packed us up and left right then (which he didn't want to leave 100%). But very gradually, we were able to work through his fears. I was blessed in that I did eventually enroll him in swim lessons and he worked through his fears there as well.

However, my whole point to all of this is - I see you are in Dallas. I *hear* that plano has some great city parks that have water features. I don't know about Dallas specifically, but can you investigate going to some of these Plano parks and trying him out in these types of environments? They are a little less intimidating than lakes with sand and leaves and bugs and rocks, etc.

You could also just try at home with sprinklers and baby pools. Even baby pools were trouble for my son for a while, but we got to the point where he enjoyed those too. My son is 100% over his water problem/issue. He LOVES playing in the water now (he's 10 now).

Good luck,
L.