My 4 Month Old Baby Boy Sleeps Poorly

We did the cry it out (don't pick up, just pat back after 20 minutes) and it worked. The more you go in, the more it teaches him to keep crying.

There is a lot of confusing and conflicting information about sleep, and with the internet and advice sites like this one, the information keeps multiplying. Add to that the fact that every baby is different, and family situations differ, and there's really no way to pin down all the variables.

Nevertheless, I've done a great deal of research on babies and sleep because poor sleep seems to run in my family – my grandmother, myself, my daughter and grandson all are plagued with it. My daughter slept through the night at around 1.5 years, but we co-slept and it was a happy and cozy arrangement that didn't disturb my sleep too terribly. My grandson didn't sleep reliably through the night until around 2.5, which was very hard on my daughter and son-in-law.

But the research strongly indicates that cry-it-out can be harmful, on both physical and emotional levels. It can affect growth and health, mental development, bonding and trust, and even set up the child for later health issues, some of which also affect future generations. Modern industrialized nations are the first in which to institute the practice of isolating the child in a separate room to sleep, and it's sort of an ongoing experiment. Since kids are such individuals, many appear to do fine, but the more sensitive and vulnerable babies don't do so well.

None of these issues are what we envision when we begin to dream of mothering a baby. But sleep deprivation is often so much harder to endure in real life than in our pre-baby imaginations, even when other parents tell us how busy, tired and exhausted we will be. (And you're working on top of that – yikes!)

Virtually every mom has to find a way to cope, and strategies to employ when she reaches her limit. Some use CIO. In the opinion of many researchers on child development issues, leaving a child to cry alone in the night is one of the poorer strategies, and should never be employed before six months at the earliest. Even children who appear to adjust may simply have given up in exhaustion. That's not the same thing as a healthy adjustment.

So I hope you'll find ways to keep responding to your baby boy's needs, and this will probably require that you set aside textbook expectations about the goal of reaching the end of the Fourth Trimester. Consider co-sleeping – many moms discover they actually get more sleep. Consider finding extra help on weekends so you can do some catch-up napping. And I hope you get other suggestions that might help.

On the solid food suggestion – cereal is not actually nearly as nutritious satisfying as breast milk or formula. It's digested quickly, and then the baby is hungry again. It seems it should last longer because it's "solid," but it's all carbohydrate, which is used up much faster than the protein and fat in milk. Nutritionists don't recommend it before 6 months. But I have heard that formula tends to digest more slowly than breast milk, so you might inquire from your doc whether augmenting with a little formula at night could be helpful.

Good luck. No matter what you do to "train" your baby in these early months, he'll be changing constantly and new patterns will keep emerging. If you're fortunate, one of these new patterns will be extended sleep periods. I know how difficult sleep deprivation can be. Because of uncomfortable health problems, I often don't sleep much more than 3 or 4 hours a night.

He will grow out of this! Really! I know it's hard now, but it will get easier. It's totally normal for him to wake up in the middle of the night and need to eat, so I say feed him.

I put my kids to bed in their own bed, but when they woke up to eat in the middle of the night I put them in bed with me and nursed them to sleep. That way if they woke up again I didn't have to get up.

I don't have a problem with cosleeping. It really helped our kids feel safe at night. We all slept better that way. We haven't had any problems getting our kids to sleep in their own beds when they got a little older.

I'm sorry you're so tired. It sucks. It really does.

And your 4 month old isn't a terrible sleeper, he's just 4 months old. He'll grow out of this regardless of what you do. Rather than try to figure out which expert is right, figure out what gets you the most sleep and do that.

Should you go to CIO, Ferber is generally the expert on this, and he used to say 4 months and now he says 6. I tend to agree with him.

Good luck. At some point this really will seem like it went by so fast, but it's awful now I know.

You said your baby is 4 months whichh is old enough to start giving solids. I would feed your little bundle a bowl of baby rice before the bedtime routine. Sounds like you just have a hungry baby. Thats what i did with my little guy. His sleeping stretches definatley got longer. Sounds like your doing everything you can though.

U might try adding a extra bottle on the day somewhere my doctor told us to wait 6 months for CIO try not feeding him at that 1 one just sooth him back but do feed at the 3 goodluck

A common mistake we make with our children is to try something for a few days, and when it doesn't work, we try something else. That doesn't work, so we try something else. Pick through the info, decide how you want to handle the situation, and then stick to it UNTIL. Whatever you do, it will eventually work. You have to remember that you're not searching for the right answer, because there isn't one for everybody. You're teaching your baby something new, and it's going to take awhile til he gets it. The only thing I wouldn't do (which is totally my opinion) is take him into your bed. I think most new moms do it out of sheer exhaustion, knowing it's a bad habit, but feel it's the easiest way to get a good night's sleep. I always felt my sleep was just as important as my kids' sleep, so we all slept in our own beds from day 1, with no problems. Just pick a method, and stick to it.

I suggest not having the feeding as the last thing before bed. You don't want the baby to associate nursing with sleeping. Also, try with feeding solids in the day. As long as they get all their caloric needs in the day- they won't cry at night.

mamma mamma,

don't let him cry it out. It is wrong on so many levels, as well as causing brain damage (had I the link handy, you'd have it here. it's not exactly something you give a mom who has already tried this. Like me. it's drmomma at blogspot, i think.)

your baby is trusting you to give him what he needs. what he needs is you. 15 pounds is a number. your baby is not a number! hard? yes. ultra hard some days? yes. impossible? no. nap is not a luxury, it is a necessity, and you and your hubby need to get on the same page for a few months so you can get a nap when you get home from work. Or whenever you need it.

it doesn't last forever. it won't last forever.

when you are done, you will reap the rewards of a well-adjusted baby, toddler, child, teenager, adult.

get comfy for a night feeding and you can fall asleep safely.

you can email me and I'll find the links for you. anyone can, actually.

and cosleeping will save your sanity - even if it is not bed-sharing, though I have found that to be even more easy and comforting, as well as alerting me sooner to fevers, coughs, and diapers.

so so so glad I opened this email. i was heading to bed and stopped here.

http://breastfeedingonline.com/newman.shtml

you can find a lot of info and ideas here, and on kellymom, too

bottom line, your baby may never get to 3 hours at a stretch. one mom I know has a child that stays awake 90% of the day! THAT is something to hold up and say 'I have hope'.

let your child lead you and you will be directed to what your child needs.

if you are nursing, continue to get up with him. he needs food, therefore he wakes (be thankful - my older son woke every hour - and I got 15 minutes between feedings (sometimes)! to contemplate sleep again.

if you are sleeping next to him, you can enjoy feeding him faster, without moving from your warm nest, and going back to sleep sooner.

I would encourage you to visit attachment parenting international, a website that has so much (and much of it free) information on what you are looking for.

sleep deprivation is not fun, but parental attachment deprivation is devastating.

if nothing else, your gut has told you that crying it out is not for you. I hope you have the courage and support to continue following your gut reaction.

good luck, and so much more,
M.

I hear you....I don't have a ton of advice but just wanted to mention that 4 months is still soooo young to expect much sleep out of him. My daughter is 14 months old and still wakes up thoughout the night. (I don't feed her when she wakes, I just have to soothe her back to sleep sometimes.) At this age, I would still feed him if he wakes up and just let him sleep with you. He's still so little and needs his Mama. I know it's exhausting, but it's just too early to expect much else. We did do CIO with our daughter at 6 months, but it was really just 2-3 nights worth of stress then she was able to soothe herself back to sleep for the most part.

Hang in there, nothing is worse than sleep deprivation!! I feel your pain!
Good luck!
Lynsey