My 3Yr Old Daughter Hates Me

Having a preferred parent is not unusual, the rudeness however needs to stop. Maybe if Daddy corrected her and called her out on her rudeness, it might help. If it's him scolding her it might have a better effect. I wouldn't push making her give affection to you when she's not in the mood.

Good luck.

My kids (3 boys and 1 girl ) are TOTALLY all about daddy when he is around, but he NEVER EVER lets them talk down to me or disrespect me . I also agree that kids do that with parent who they spend less time with ….

How does your husband treat you? Is she copying his behavior in any way?

Fastest way for this to be fixed is for your husband to be on your team. While, I agree with you on not forcing affection - the rudeness and disrespect should be stopped. When it happens, your husband should defend you and tell her that it is not okay to treat her mother in that manner.

Sounds to me like the issue is more with your husband than her.

1. He thinks you're never around? Sounds like you need to have a heart-to-heart about that. Why is it ok for him to work and do things outside of work but not you? He's making you out to be the "bad guy."

2. Why isn't he telling your daughter it's not ok to treat you like that? The second our kids start being condescending or rude to me, my husband is all over them. Your daughter would not continue to treat you like a doormat if your husband started telling her that her behavior is NOT ok. You need to have someone to back you up when you tell your daughter you're hurt by her actions and he should be it. Spell it out with your husband: I am sad about how daughter treats me and I need your help.

3. If he's not willing to help or be compassionate here, there are bigger issues you need to work out.

Favoring one parent over the other is normal, and she will likely switch sides several times as she grows up. It's the disrespect that is a problem. It should not be tolerated - at all. That your husband is trilled by this behavior is a problem, he is teaching her to be rude to you, that you do not deserve respect. And that will have lots of long term complications between you and your daughter.

Your husband needs to sit down with the girl and explain that he loves you and her behavior toward you is hurting him too. That he will always love her, but he doesn't like her when she acts that way. She does not have to be affectionate, but she does have to be polite. And yes, you can expect a 3 yr old to be polite.

Sounds to me like your husband is encouraging this behavior because he's mad at you. I'd start with him as the source of the problem. Three year olds do not hate their parents. They follow queues from the people they love about how to treat each other. And your husband is apparently "telling" your daughter that you deserve less respect than he does. That is totally NOT acceptable. And the one you need to deal with is your husband. As soon as he starts showing you respect, love and affection in front of your daughter (and correcting her if she disrespects you) then she will stop.

My husband wasn't around a lot when our kids were little (work and softball) but I NEVER made him feel bad about it in front of them and never encouraged them to be rude or disrespectful to him. I loved when he was around and they got to bond more.

Also, neither my husband or myself would ever tolerate disrespectful behavior or actioms from our kids towards any adult, let alone each other. That's one of the times my husband gets REALLY mad is if the kids are rude to me. No freaking way would it fly in my house.

Your daughter is doing this partly because it's a stage, but mostly because your husband encourages it. You need to work on this with him first.

Your husband needs to correct this behavior immediately.

Children do not hate their parents.

This is normal behavior. She is around you a lot, but dad is away from her most of her awake hours. He ends up being a bit of a treat. Use this to your advantage. Have him give her the rules, she will listen to him to please him.

Let him take care of her so you can go out with girlfriends, go to the gym, run, shop.. He will be able to have her to himself for a while and you can have some time to be good to yourself.

And FYI, Even though he is teasing you about this, you need to use your words to tell him, it hurts your feelings, you already have working mom guilt, he does not need to tease you like this.

I was a working mom also. I know how you feel.

This isn't your daughter's issue. It's your husband's. This isn't cool. He's being an @$$ and he needs to stop.

She is old enough to start learning about empathy. She's old enough for daddy and mommy to say something like: "I know you love daddy, but being mean to mommy is NOT ok. How would you feel if I hugged daddy but yelled at you/hugged mommy but yelled at you?"

Give her time to think about it and answer. Ask her how she thinks you would feel.

But really, daddy needs to quit the emotional game-playing.

I know its hard to believe this is a phase, but it really is. my daughter sent me to the garage in tears showing preference for her daddy. It wasn't enough just to enjoy daddy, there was a need to show "dislike" for mom. By my second child I looked forward to these phases, because it gave me a little break from all that goes along with being "favorite."
Its hard not to enjoy the lime light while it lasts. I know my husband did, until he saw how it was affecting me. But you say this "thrills" your husband? It thrills your husband that you think your daughter "hates" you? This is the only part of your post that I find disturbing.
J., most of us have been through this. Its a little disconcerting with the first child because its hard to see the forest for the trees. Please listen to me and take this to heart, your daughter loves you. She loves you. She loves you! You are her mommy. You are her only mommy. This is a developmental stage where she is learning to bond with dad, which is good and healthy. Why they can't just bond with dad and be cool with mom and not shun her, I don't know. But I promise you, she loves you. I have been shunned in this stage too. Its really really common. I promise.

I think some responses are being very hard on a three-year old who doesn't know what "hate" is. She obviously is fine with you and affectionate when it's the two of you.

And please realize it is VERY typical around this age for both girls and boys to favor one parent or the other. Usually they favor the parent who is around the least, the one who makes the big entrance at the end of each working day, over the parent who is around more of the time. This is normal and typical and is a phase -- a phase! That means the child will grow out of it, IF the adults treat it as no big deal and remind the child to be kind to the "other" parent and discipline appropriately for yelling and rudeness.

But is that happening in your case? Some posters are raging that your husband is egging her on, encouraging her, etc. Well, IS he? They are saying he's encouraging her but you, yourself, only say: "All this behavior thrills my husband because he claims she acts like this because I am never around." Does his being thrilled mean that he does indeed prompt her to love on him and be sassy and rude to you? Does he say and do things along those lines to make a joke out of her talking to you unacceptably? Does he laugh when she yells at you, for instance? It's hard to tell from the actual post though others seem to be assuming this is what he's doing.

IF he is egging her on: You and he need to have a serious talk. I worry for you that he's not going to have that talk because he believes you should be home with her and not working -- so the fault is all on you. Is that what's going on? Is that why he criticizes you for "never being around"? That's a bigger and harder issue between you and HIM -- not between you and a three-year-old. It sounds as if he's possibly using her to get your goat over another conflict where he wants you to stay home and you want/need to work. Hard to tell. Is that the larger problem? Does he also ding you for working out, or doing anything else? Does he leave you with her on weekends "because he 'has things to do'" (as you put it) and he treats you like a babysitter, and like he's doing you a huge favor just to spend weekend time with you both?

I see some red flags here that there are other issues going on besides your child's treatment of you. She is acting out what she's allowed to act out. You and your husband MUST be on the same page and have the same reactions EVERY time she sasses you or argues with you in his presence. He needs to tell her every single time, "You can't talk to mommy that way. When you talk to HER that way, it makes ME sad, and then she and I can't play with you/talk to you/be with you." And then she gets time out. Please look up Jo Frost's books on discipline and her time out principles (she was TV's "supernanny") and be very, very consistent -- daughter does not get out of time out if she gets up; if she begs daddy; if she yells at mommy (which makes the time out longer!!); etc.

Please update and let us know if there really is more to the picture here. Your child's actions are not acceptable but she also is three-barely out of babyhood and acting on what is permitted by him and by you as well. If the issue is that he's using her to make a point with you and to rub her affections for him in your face -- that's a real marriage issue, frankly, not an issue with your child. If this is not that severe, then you both need to start using age-appropriate discipline (which means not overly hard and not going on and on!) with her. But HE must institute it, not just you.

Part of it is perfectly normal developmentally. 3's like to boss. They also prefer anyone to mom. They are trying to become independent, and it tends to come out ruddy if allowed. You need to be clear about how she can treat you.

You are in a power game with your daughter over affection. The best thing to do is to not play. She will come around. It really is age appropriate.

I think it is just a phase. It will change. We have a 6 year old boy and an almost 3 year old girl. For us, the pick up and drop off is the critical component in terms of attachment. Whoever picks up gets the affection of our almost 3 year old for the rest of the night. Our daughter is tired after a full day of daycare - she's grouchy, clingy, a little hungry and generally the hours between 5-8pm are the most difficult in our house.

You could consider changing your workout routine so that you are not absent in the most difficult hours for a 3 year old. Have you thought of getting a jogging stroller and taking your daughter with you? We do this in the evenings and it is "fun for her" and an excellent workout. I would also consider trading off weekends with your husband and also having whole weekends where you are both around all weekend. We are a two mom family, so things are naturally a bit more equitable in our household - generally speaking, we have no pre-designated roles. I want to spend my weekends with the kids too, but if my wife was not around every weekend I would become resentful.

Does your husband tell her sternly, that NO she is not allowed to talk to mommy that way? Besides that I say don't play along...ignore her or don't engage when she is like this. Maybe have Dad give her a time out if she is rude to you. Dad should tell her that she needs to be polite to mommy. Dad should tell her no maam, you go give mommy goodnight kisses too...you do not disrepect your mom. Maybe once a week have a mom/daughter date where you do something special just the two of you.

Updated

Does your husband tell her sternly, that NO she is not allowed to talk to mommy that way? Besides that I say don't play along...ignore her or don't engage when she is like this. Maybe have Dad give her a time out if she is rude to you. Dad should tell her that she needs to be polite to mommy. Dad should tell her no maam, you go give mommy goodnight kisses too...you do not disrepect your mom. Maybe once a week have a mom/daughter date where you do something special just the two of you.

You have lots of good advice below, and I don't need to repeat it.

But unless you are an abusive mother, your daughter does not "hate" you. That sounds a little melodramatic, so you need to put your hurt feelings in perspective. You're her mother. It's not about you. Just love her, and you will be rewarded for it eventually.

oh, sweetie. don't be all drama queen. she's only 3 and she's in a daddy's girl phase.
you just can't allow your self-esteem to be damaged by a toddler.
many girls are daddy's girls their whole lives. nothing wrong with that.
however, both of you should be addressing naughty behavior like rudeness or back-talking. it's very important that daddy too gives a stern look and a disapproving 'katiebelle, you may not speak to mommy like that.' he can be thrilled all he wants about being the favorite, but he too is an adult and should understand that being the star in a 3 year old's sky does not actually make him a super-hero, and he should be concerned about parenting well and appropriately.
the only red flags i see are that you 'try' to be patient and 'try' to correct her. she's only 3. she's not old enough to understand family dynamics. she relies on you to BE patient, firm, and insistent on good behavior. she doesn't have to hug and kiss and melt all over you the way she does daddy, but she should not be permitted to be nasty.
you can and should accept the fact that she is very tiny, and not yet capable of being in charge of her own emotions, and certainly not yours. develop a sense of humor about her daddy-worship. and don't make the mistake of being 'nice' and letting poor behavior slide because you're currying her favor.
little girls and their daddies have a special universe. don't expect it to be the same as it was for you and your son.
khairete
S.

First off, stop using the word hate. It's overly emotional. Your daughter does NOT hate you. You say yourself she is fine when you're alone with her.

My 3 year old is the same way. During the day she is with me. We have lots of fun. But she's a Daddy's girl and always has been. So she's territorial of her Daddy time. I just leave her be. She sees him a lot less than she sees me. So she's allowed to miss him. But she's never allowed to be rude. Daddy and I both put a stop to that behavior the moment it starts.

Perhaps she needs more alone time with both of you. Nurture her bond with Daddy by giving them more time together. And give her opportunities to miss you. I'm sure that she will.

To help with all the Daddy craze in our house we changed the routine. Daddy now puts both girls to bed alone. This way they get to have his full attention. Daddy and both girls really enjoy the end of their day together.

Your daughter is disrespecting you and not showing you affection or kindness because she's learning from her father.

Work on your marriage and show love to your spouse. That's the best parenting advice I can give you.

Just curious.....how does your husband treat you around your daughter? Is he disrespectful? Does he kiss you or give you hugs? She is 3 and will follow examples of what she sees. Monkey see, monkey do!

My dd was the same way, only reverse toward her dad. She was always all over me, and while she did love him, she didn't show it, and he got a lot of sass from her. She didn't want anything to do with him most of the time, and would get mad if he tried to read her a bedtime story or tuck her in. Even as an infant she was like this. He hated it, and while I tried to tell him not to take it personally, he couldn't help but be hurt by it. Especially when she decided she absolutely loved one of his friends (who we consider an uncle to her) and always wanted to be with him whenever he came to the house.

She had some moments when she would be outright rude to him... And we would immediately correct her. We taught her at while she didn't HAVE to give him loves, she DID have to treat him politely.

Now, for the past couple months, she has been SUCH a daddy's girl. It's ridiculous! Lol. Its funny, because I'm happy they finally have a good relationship, buuut I can't help but be sad that she is going to him for what she has always come to me for. (Though, I do encourage her to go to him, just because I want teir relationship to continue to grow.)

Hang in there... She loves you, she just doesn't know how how to show it. :)

I don;t think she HATES you, but I have a 3 year old daughter and trust me I know that sometimes it's hard to think that. I am a SAHM with my 3 year old so we spend a whole lotta time together. My DH works crazy 10-11 hr shifts that rotate to different schedules every month so when he is around both of my kids ignore me! My daughter does a lot of the if she is sitting on the couch with daddy then she wants me to sit on a different couch. If we go out to dinner she sits on his side. When he is off only he can put her down for naps or to bed.

There was a short period of time where she would tell me "to go away" or that "he's my daddy" if I was sitting near him. She would also do this super annoying "daddy's my best friend your just my friend" and while some of this was hurtful I know it's just her wanting to have his attention for the little amount of time she gets to see him.

Now, if your husband does treat you in a way she's mocking then obviously it's going to be much harder for you to break her of this habit. But I think that is jumping to conclusions so I will just say - it will be super helpful if you can get your husband to tell her she is wrong when she is acting that way. The first time my DH told my DD "to never say mommy wasn't her best friend cuz she only gets 1 mommy and we all love each other so we can all be best friends" it went thru her little skull more than the 100 times I had said it. When it comes to your son.. well mine is 7 and although he does like to have his alone time throwing the ball around or washing cars with dad, I can always count on the fact that at the movies or out to dinner he's guna want to sit by me. He wants me to walk him to his room at night. He asks to snuggle with me or be on my team when we are playing games. Even when the hubs is around. We didn't raise them differently - I think it's literally just the cliche "daddys girl, mommys boy"

You guys need to get on the same page. He needs to tell her that she's not being nice. Until that starts happening it's probably not going to change a whole lot.

Good Luck!:)

I am sure that your daughter loves you too! Sometimes Mom's the best and sometimes Dad's the best. I think part of the problem is that your husband is egging on this behavior in her (it may be conscious or unconscious on his part) Parents shouldn't be competing for attention and love from their kiddos. Your husband may be missing you too and he reflects that on to her. Sounds like withholding kisses (or saving them all for Daddy) is her way of punishing you. When my son was young, he used to punish me for having to travel for business. He would welcome me home and then ignore me and want Daddy for everything. Daddy would be ready to hand over duties so he would reason with son, Let's pay attention to Mommy - she really missed us. Perhaps you could have a talk with your husband to help ease the situation (instead of encouraging her to disrespect you). Your two workouts a week of "my time" do not sound excessive to me. Good luck!

I think it's a phase and have a friend who is a SAHM whose daughter is a huge daddy's girl. The way you write "he has things to do" though implies a lot of resentment. Is he gone all weekend? Or does he take several hours a day? As the parent who was always home first and never worked out after work (or even weekends) I can see if your husband feels he should get extra time versus you on the weekend. And maybe you should switch some of your workout time to the weekend. Work that out with him. Getting home pretty late 2 nights a week can be a lot from a 3 year old's POV when your husband is also the one picking her up and dropping her in the morning. Those are crucial parts of the day for her. And she's only 3. If she was like this when you were alone with her there could be some attachment issue but since that's not the case, grin and bear it and I bet it'll pass but I'd also look at the workout schedule.

Does your husband treat you like your daughter treats you? If the answer is yes. Then that's the root of your problem and you need to begin there.

I can't imagine Tyler allowing our children to smart mouth me or treat me poorly. Nor can I imagine Tyler initiating the behavior.

Please seek marriage and family counseling.

WTH?!?! EVERY weekend he's gone? That wouldn't fly in my home. Tyler and I have had our share of fights over our over two decades together and we've spent weekends apart. Heck, we've spent months apart when he was deployed. But leaving every weekend because he has "things to do"? No. Way.

Your husband is the problem here. He encourages this behavior because he wants to prove that he is "right". He is trying to control you and is using his daughter to do it.

You had BETTER go to a family counselor with your husband. This idea that "he has things to do" but you can't work out twice a week without him telling you that you're never around is totally manipulative. If you think THIS is bad, just wait until she is older. He will try to manipulate her into more of this kind of behavior.

This is NOT about your daughter. This is about your husband. You cannot fix this with your child unless your husband straightens out his attitude.

I encourage you to take a marriage type study group. So fun and gives great advice on team work etc. Our church in Carrollton will be starting a couples group called The art of Marriage in Sept.. Date nights, fun homework, meeting other couples etc. pm me if you are interested. The theme will be Fall in Love all over again...

Prob the opposite of what your husband thinks. often a child behaves this way, adoring the parent who is around less, and feels confident "dissing" the parent with whom they feel securely bonded. How does she react to him not being around all weekend? Does she feel she needs to shower him with praise and adoration to keep him? It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter when your husband is not around, so I think this is just her way of getting his attention. I wonder why she feels she needs to work so hard at that?

What would you do if she were your niece? You'd not accept it. You'd not force her to kiss you. If she wanted nothing to with you, then she'd want nothing to do with the ice cream you made for yourself after she refused to hug you.

Get a grip on this BS now! She will run your home at age 9!