My 3 Yr Old Does the Mama Whine Too Much.

Dear J.,

You need to let him whine and cry and kick and scream if he has to, but do not run to do his bidding. If you continue to do what he wants, then he will keep it up until you are crazy !! Just let him know by your actions that you are not going to be running to him all of the time.

It will take about a week or two and he will get the message, be strong. Talking to him will not work. O.K.? Well, you can say no a few times, but that is all that he will need to know.

C. N.

J.,

My son also did the Mama whine alot when I quit work to stay-at-home. It didn't take long for him to quit once he knew I was going to be at home with him, he became more secure. Boys tend to need their mothers more for longer. My son is 3 1/2 and still wants and needs me. Be thankful that he wants your attention, before you know it he won't want anything to do with mama. You will be planning his High School graduation! Love him up while you have the chance.

If you absolutely have to, tiptoe in and check on him to be sure he's OK. Then go back to where you were and start singing or reciting the multiplication tables or whatever you can do to take your mind off the sound while you ignore him. then decide what you do want him to do, such as call you in a pleasant voice or come to you when he needs you. As soon as he does what you want (and you don't have to tell him, he'll figure it out.) give him lots of positves, like "I love hearing my name in your happy voice!" or "I'm glad you came to find me." This works with almost all behaviors that aren't life-threatening. Ignore the bad and praise the good! Good luck! Grams

Try some quality one on one time. Some times giving them a big chunk of time satisfies them for a longer period of time. Think of it like a meal of love instead of a snack!

Whine back at him. Tell him you can't reach your tooth brush, or you need him to give you a glass that is right there in front of you. He'll probably think it is funny at first but then he'll get just as sick of it as you are.

maybe you could tell him, if you show me that you are trying to do (whatever it is) by yourself first, and you still need help, I will help you. I think they want to be independant but are not quite sure of themselves or how to do it, as long as you're inspiring him to try while still assuring him that you're there if he really needs you that he will feel good about becoming more independant. Best wishes!

J.,
My youngest is 5 (almost 6) and she has been doing that whining mama thing since she could speak. My only advice is to keep responding with "I will come when you stop whining" - I also say things like "Im getting dressed, I will come when I'm done" (and follow thru) when I make her wait she then takes on the task herself and finds that she can do it. I then comment and say positive things like "you did it on your own?" yeah! and just like I did when I potty trained I reward with one M&M. This way she understood that doing things on her own is a good thing and when mommy does come I give her a hug and reward. The M&M thing wore off around 4 and now its just positive affirmation. She still does whine 50% of the time, but its better and now I just say - stop whining..and continue to not respond until she does..and she does!
Hope this helps - whatever you choose stick to it no matter how ugly it gets!! - A.

Hi, J.,

I haven't read any responses yet, so I'm sorry if I am repeating anyone else's advice.

I wonder if you are inadvertently reinforcing your child to continue this behavior by sometimes responding to him. It doesn't matter if you DON'T respond to him 100 times and then the 101st time you do, you WILL reinforce that behavior. That is also the strongest form of reinforcement, called intermittent reinforcement. Think of the slot machine. Most people rarely get a pay-off. But the intermittent reward reinforces people to continue to pull that handle again and again, despite losing more times than not, in the hope that the next pull will result in a win finally.

If you want to stop this behavior, you MUST NOT respond, even if he tantrums for a long period of time. Just to warn you, the behavior may get worse initially as he may try to test it out to see if you will cave and if you really mean it. If you grit your teeth and ride through that, you WILL eventually extinguish this behavior in him!

When he is calmer (and ONLY when!), then you could sit down with him and reflect the feelings you saw him express to convey understanding to him and acceptance that he is still loved when he's feeling at his worst. This will also help to re-establish a good connection between you two after episodes that just in all honesty feel horrible!

Hope that helps!

Sincerely,
S. M. Wolf, M.A.
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Anaheim, CA