I need any and all advice that you can give me. We have two boys, a 1 year old and a 3 year old. I run an in home preschool with 3 other 3 year olds as well. My 3 year old is a smart little guy and he tests everything. I do know he can hear us, because if we ask him what I said, he will repeat it. But he also only does things half way. If asked to put something in the hamper, hr will put it just inside the door of our bedroom. As being a preschool teacher for many years and having my AA in early childhood education, I know that this is completly normal for young children. Right now our biggest struggle with him is eating. He is below the average weight for children his age, and he plans our meals with me. Sadly, there is never a meal that he doesn't like so I know this isn't an issue as well. While I know this is all normal behavior, its driving my husband and I crazy! Any tips or advice that you may have are greatly appreciated. Things that work/ed with your children are greatly appreciated. Things that have not worked with him have been missing out, losing toys and privliges, and going to his room aren't doing a thing. Help please!
Maybe since he is a sharp little guy, instead of what normally works -- being very clear with what to do, make an observation of the problem and give him a minute or two to think about it and come up with the solution himself.
You probably know this, but talk age level & keep it short and basic.
You can't make him eat, sorry. Punishing him for not eating doesn't really help the problem---it just makes mealtime tense and ugly. Keep offering, provide good food, and wait this out. As for the other problem, I think the key is in your post---"I know he can hear us, because if we ask him what I said, he will repeat it." This tells me that you tell him something, wait, maybe tell him again, then ask,"what did
I just tell you to do?", and the conversation deteriorates from there. The way to change this is to say it ONCE, and when he doesn't do as you ask, walk over to him, take his hand, and walk him through whatever it is that you're asking him to do. He's not paying attention because you've taught him that nothing happens until you get frustrated enough to start with the "what did I tell you" routine. Ask yourself this. Does he move to do it when he sees me coming at him? If the answer is yes, then cut out all the stalling and move immediately. You won't get frustrated, and he'll learn that if mommy says to do something and he doesn't do it, she's coming to get it done NOW, not when she thinks about it again in 20 minutes and sees it's not done yet. And don't forget the"What a GOOD boy!" when he does the job. Give him your attention right away, and he'll respond right away. He's just doing what you've taught him.
I'm right there with you! My son is 3, and he has a 10.5 mo/old brother. I also taught preschool for many years, and I know it's normal. But it's definitely different when it's your own kid! I've always thought that it's not the "terrible 2's", it's the "terrible 3's"! 2 y/o's are learning right/wrong. 3 y/o's know the difference and they will push your buttons just to aggravate you. Just stay conisitant with your discipline. I've found that's the best thing for my 3 y/o, to do exactly what I said I would (take his toy away if he doesn't stop throwing it, just an example I just had to enforce). Also, I've enrolled him in gymnastics to help get out some of his energy. He's a busy body and hates being at home all day. So I find things for us to do (park, mall, playdates, gymnastics, etc). It is very frustrating at times. I need to listen to my own advice! GL, and just know you are not alone!!!
Hi T.,
I know exactly how you are feeling. Having 4 kiddos myself and 3 of them being particular eaters, and my youngest just wanting to do anything else but eat, it can be really frustrating. It's funny that those things that you tried like losing privileges etc. not working..it's because taking away things from kids in order to get them to do something RARELY ever works, or works well. If it does work, it's a one time thing, as you've found out:) So what's a mom to do?? First, know it's normal. It seems that you are on the right track. Letting him plan meals with you. How about cooking with you sometimes? Or letting him put his own food on his plate (with help as he needs it). Sometimes this can help children feel like they have more "power" over the situation. Second, how underweight is he? Is he just below the middle of the road? Does he have high energy? If yes, then he just burns alot of calories. Yes, I know we need to make sure our kiddos are healthy, but if he's growing "normally" in all areas, and in general gets what he needs during the day, then maybe there doesn't need to be so much emphasis on how he compares to other kids his age. Perhaps he need to graze on healthy foods throughout the day instead of 3 big meals a day. 2-4 year olds are notorious for not wanting to sit down to eat a whole meal. It just takes too much time!! There is too much for him to explore:)
Finally, you and your husband ask yourselves some questions. "What exactly am I mad about?" "Does he eat healthy in general?" "Is this something he will outgrow?" (answer is usually yes:) "are we modeling good and healthy eating habits and manners?" "what are my beliefs about children sitting down to eat?" "why do I have those beliefs?" "what are my beliefs about eating in general?" Usually, if you get down to what it is that is driving you crazy, you will find your real truth about how you feel about a particular situation (and not just what is expected), and will be able to follow your own inner instincts to come up with a solution, or maybe your instincts will say..."if he's healthy and happy and meal times are NOT stressful, this too shall pass."
Another thought that I used to do when my kiddos were that age just so they could eat a few bitefuls, was to first, follow their cues. Kids trust their bodies. Second, choose your battles. Third, try making eating time fun, with puppets, or a picnic, or eating everything with your hands, or pretend you are royalty or super heros..whatever he's into to make eating fun and not stressful, for him and you and your husband. You don't have to do that all the time..just when you feel like he really does need to eat something and you have to bring out some extra tricks. Really, focus on feeling good about eating time. Focus on when he DOES eat well. Focus on what works. You might that he really is doing ok and eating will soon be happy time again:)
Best wishes to you and have fun with your little ones!
A.
mom of 4. Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com
American children tend to be overweight. If your child is below average but still has energy and is growing on track, I wouldn't worry about it. It probably means he is at a healthy weight instead of what we have come to accept as normal.
I recommend the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" and recommend taking Love and Logic classes or reading their materials. You can get them from the library for free or buy them at http://www.loveandlogic.com
The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. No yelling and fighting on your part when you enforce your rules (very hard!) My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world. When my brothers shot out the street lights with a BB gun, she called the cops and they had to do community service to pay to fix them, but she was never mean and punitive about it. She was firm, but loving. And make sure you choose your battles carefully and avoid being too controlling. This can be a struggle for me. Only you can decide the limits you want to set, but choose them carefully and consistently enforce what you set even if it's hard and follow through.
My daughter is almost 4 and very strong willed. I've found a totally different approach than punishment works for her. She is competitive and loves to "win". I make sure we have very set expectations and rules for her and she's happier and challenges them less. I involve her in setting the rules and rewards then hold her accountable. She likes the control and in a positive way works for her to behave in more appropriate ways. It's not a solution for everything, but the more positive approach and setting clear boundaries with her got us much futher than the discipline - which was never less than a struggle in which no one really ended up happy. A book I really liked was "Confident Kids, Remarkable Parents - 8 Principles for Raising Kids You'll Love to Live With - Bonnie Harris.
My observation of children whose parents have daycare type set ups in their own home is that their own children tend to go w/o...they go without as much love, and attention, as might be otherwise available. Try to hold him and love on him and praise him and give him lots of eye contact and smiles when he does do something right and especially in front of the other 3 yr. olds so that he feels that HE is your special boy and your HIS special mommy. Also try to catch him when he's not looking for your individual attention and wink at him and thank him for sharing you all day with others.
