My 3 Year Old Has the Terrible Two's!

This is a case in which i would take her to see a homeopath, they can be really helpful for behavioral difficulties. If you want to know of a good one that specialized in kids, just email me. But I would be really weary of taking away he privelidges or earning the right to do something. A good read for you may be "unconditional Parenting" by Khan, it helped us understand a little more about disipline. Good luck.

Hi J.-

I've worked with 3 year olds for more than 16 years and today I coach parents about working through issues like you have. I never had "terrible 2's" it was always between 3 & 4 when the issues popped up. As you can tell, your daughter has it the stage where she realizes she has control (over you) and it testing her limits.

Here is what I suggest:
When she demands you to do something, acknowledge what she said, by replying, "I hear you want something, but I can only hear nice works in a nice tone, like 'Mommy will you please..." This provides her with information about how you expect to be talked to and that you won't reply to demands.

Next, when she gets upset and demands again, I suggest you reply in a similar way, "I hear you're not happy with that result. When you find your nice quiet voice, please let me know what you were hoping for. I'll be ready to listen when you're ready to talk nice." If you can see what she wanted, then try "I think you wanted the pink cup and not the green one, if you'd like the pink cup, you need to say,'Mommy may I have the pink cup please"

When you provide your child with clear direction and limits, they will handle issues easier and test boundaries less. The key is to be consistant. Don't give in to the yelling, or she'll just fight you.

This is a stage of developement, just like when she was learning to walk, she tested boundries to figure out what worked. If you remember it's a stage of development she needs to pass through and learn from, it will help you deal when she's driving you crazy.

I hope this helps-

R. Magby

You are not alone. I have the same exact problem. I consulted my pediatrician at our last visit and she informed me that she didn't have a clue why they called it the terrible 2's because it should actually be the terrible 3's. She just told me to be consistant about what I do. For instance: if she wants me to get her blankie for her and I do then she gets mad and throws it down then wants me to pick it back up.... the ped. told me to not pick it back up the second time and just patiently explain that I did what she asked and I was trying to be helpful and she is the one that threw it down, now she will have to be the one to pick it up this time. She said to just be patient and then if she pitched a fit for me to ignore her and do something else so she can see that I am not giving into her. So I have done that and me and my husband will talk to each other (even if we have to make something up) to let her know that we are ignoring her fits. She seems to clear up pretty quickly... but it took a while for her to realize that we were ignoring her and that we were gonna keep ignoring her no matter what she did. The ped. just told us whatever I did, be consistant with it and don't give in and let her know that she can control me or otherwise I will begin to feel wore out and more like she is the mother not me, which will lead to unhappiness and unenjoyable times with her.
So that is what I was told.
I hope it works for you. Good luck.

Our dd has been like this too since just before her third birthday, and it's gotten worse since our new baby arrived last month. I agree with the suggestions below, and have three other thoughts: 1. If she is hungry, the behavior gets worse. I try to include protein with every meal and snack, and encourage eating *something* every couple of hours. 2. Exercise helps. I try to keep dd engaged in some physical activity outside or at the Y for at least 30 minutes each day - on top of her regular activities (preschool, Kindermusik, etc). 3. We try to reward and praise good behavior as much as possible, and reinforce the desired behavior with repetition.

All of this, and still sometimes we think we'll never get through this stage! But we will and you will too! Hang in there

My three year old has suddenly become SUPER whiny since the weather changed. Don't know if it's age related or weather, but maybe your daughter is going through something similar. At this age, they really want to do everything by themselves, but at the same time don't want to give up being a baby. You daughter may be getting upset because she wants you to help her do whatever instead of doing it for her. Try asking her specifically... Do you want me to get your juice, or would you like to help me? Do you want to go potty all by yourself or would you like me to help you? The more things you let her help with or do independently, the less she'll feel the need to do everything herself. Let her help make dinner, or vacuum, or something fun that she normally considers herself too young to do.

Lots of great advice already... I just wanted to add a favorite quote from a friend of mine (her son is 3 and mine turns 3 next month), "Three is the new two."

Good Luck, we're going through the exact same things!

We did take a Love & Logic parenting class, and that has seemed to help give us some strategies... but we can change our parenting, she's still a "terrible toddler"!

You are doing it right! But expect more stubbornness as time goes by. Just keep asking her to earn the right to do what she wants to do and it will be fine.

P.S. Time outs work best when she is removed to a different room and away from the "action". They will become more powerful as she gets older.

I have 4 kids, 25, 14, 10, 7, and one granchild that I kept day and night for the past five years. We had one child, the 14 year old that to this day would not go to bed when we deemed it necessary. Out of respect for our authority which is vital to a young child's development and out of respect to her natural body clock (her individuality) we set boundaries for our rule and her well being. Since it was obvious that she was not sleepy when bedtime came, but necessary for our rule to be the rule, we allowed her to stay awake, quietly looking at a book while laying in bed. In the beginning when she would get up and come down stairs, we greeted her nicely and said, "Hi, time to go to bed." We persistantly took her back to her room. We had to be more stubborn than she was. We allowed her to lay in her bed and look at a book. But she was not allowed to cross the boundary of leaving her room at that time. After 3 weeks of gently and persistantly taking her back to her room, each and every time she learned that she was fighting a losing battle and would lay in her bed, look at a book and then fall asleep. To this day, and she is 14, she fights her sleep but lays in bed at bedtime and quietly reads until she falls asleep. We did the oppossite with the oldest and she never followed through with our words. We had not set a proper boundary with regard to our word while she was most impressionable. You just have to be more stubborn than they are. Good luck! We did notice with all the other children that if we were firm but gentle with our words and expectations, before they were 5 that they were very trusting of us and compliant. We are all good friends now with mutual respect for each other.

Sounds like my kids from age 1 1/2 to age 4!
The things you mentioned in your post are things that I would tell my kids to do for themselves. Say something like, "You are a big girl and since you won't let me, why don't you put your own blankets on?" Then leave and if she screams let her scream. You can go back in a while, but don't keep trying to help her do what she wants if she refuses.
This has worked sometimes with my kids. But I know every kid is different. Good luck! I've heard a lot of people say it should be the terrible 3's, not 2's!

two's were easy compared to the 3's. They can communicate, demand things, be stubborn. Just be consistant with what you do. Don't run and do things over and over. Sets a pattern of behavior up for you. Do it once, tell her you are not coming back, and stick to it. Eventually they get the idea.

Hello J.,
This is a phase your daughter is going through. It's called negativism. Thankfully it does end after the age of 3. What you probably should do is give her options of no more than two choices. Like she can choose between what two outfits to wear. Give her two snack options and leave it on the table for her to decide. Make it clear where things are negotiable and non negotiable. You don't want her to make a decision on something that absolutely needs to be done, like taking a bath. It's good to stand firm on your decisions. Toddlers sometimes can try to push you to see if you'll give in. If she refuses both options you give her or the one she wanted to begin with, let her go without. As soon as she realizes it's her behavior that's causing her to miss out on what she wants, she'll switch her attitude to adapt. Lastly, take the time when she is a little princess to point it out to her. Like saying, "Mommy likes it when you don't get mad." Or, "You're being such a good girl when you do..." I hope this helps.

J.,

I feel your pain. My kids are 6 and 2 1/2 and I'm there with you. Here's what works in our house, most of the time: When they do what you describe your daughter doing we'll go with them the first time and if the request for help is refused we don't go again. We'll also say something like: We tried to help you and you didn't want our help, so we're not going to go this time. And, if a tantrum ensues she can go scream and whine in her room. Again the house rule in my house is that tantrums belong in the bedroom where we (theoretically) don't have to hear it. Bad manners don't belong in public rooms.

It's a little bit of tough love, but I'll be their friend later, right now I'm Mom.

Hope this helps,
Melissa