My 3-Year-old Son Is Out of Control

Dr. Sears has tons of expert advice that is perfect for this age, it has helped me tons:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

Sounds familiar . . . look up ODD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder. If you think that might be it, seek help ASAP. We didn't, we thought it was a phase and now have many unhappy years to look back on and damage to repair.

If you can afford to do so, talk with a professional about the behavior. It may be normal, but if not, a physician or therapist may be able to provide an appropriate diagnosis or help you with ideas for how to address the behaviors.

ahhhhhh, don't be so quick to diagnose your child with a disorder that will affect him for the rest of his life!

You have a one year old in the house. This behavior started about 6 months ago.

I would try reading a book called siblings without rivalry. Make sure you give him at least a half hour of one on one time every day, even if you have to break it up in 10 minute blocks. Hug him and squeeze him tight and tell him how much you love him. When he talks to you, try and give him your full attention. Catch him being good.

Good luck!

First - know you are not alone! Parenting can be maddening and it's never fun to feel like *your* the parent with the child misbehaving and everyone is looking at you like you're doing something wrong. Kids are different. Some are super easy and some are not! Some respond well to the types of discipline you mentioned and some do not.

I've found that Positive Discipline gets the best results for me. I highly recommend reading some of these books. They'll give you the tools you need. It sounds like he feels like he has no control, which is why he's going out of control. Here are a few books you might like. They are all by the same author.

Positive Discipline for Preschoolers:
http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Preschoolers-Ye...

Positive Discipline A-Z (gives lots of sample situations and solutions):
http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline--Z-Solutions-Pa...

Positive Discipline (general book on it):
http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Jane-Nelsen-Ed-...

No advice, just sending positive thoughts your way! You sound like a thoughtful, caring parent and I am sure you are doing the bet you can. Hang in there!

Hi J.,
I can relate to some degree with what you're going through. I have 3 well- behaved boys, and thought I had things pretty well figured out....then I had my daughter! She has far more energy than the boys ever did- she's like the energizer bunny...on crack- lol.

I went to a playground once with her and her older brother (she was 2.5, and he was 5). My 5 yo was in a wooden pirate ship, and I was looking in one of the windows and talking to him, while she was under me looking in a lower window. I look down 30 seconds later, and she was gone!! My heart dropped into my stomach as I looked frantically for her. Another mom saw her, thank God- I couldn't believe how far she had gotten in such a short amount of time. I ran and got her, and packed both her and her brother into the van and went home. I never went anywhere with her after that if one of her siblings was also with me without another adult.

Anyway, I think she's a bit ADHD, but I haven't pursued it yet. Her speech was delayed, and her therapist thought maybe she wasn't slowing down long enough to focus on words (I don't remember how she worded it), but her speech has improved a lot. I'm also looking into the possibility of it being a sensory integration issue. My 1st son has sensory integration problems, but with different symptoms (it's complicated). I guess I haven't pursued it yet because I've been seeing some improvement in her, and she doesn't have many behavior issues. All I have to do is mention the naughty spot (time out) and she says "no way" and stops misbehaving. I think it also helps that her brothers are modeling good behavior and she always wants to be like them- follows them everywhere.

Anyway (sorry this is so long), it could be ADHD -here's some information about ADD and pre-schoolers:

Notice when you get toward the bottom of the"Questions to Consider" section, they bring up the possibility of sensory integration disorder (aka-sensory processing disorder. The 2nd link will give you some information about that.

http://add.about.com/od/childrenandteens/a/preschool.htm

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-integr...
dysfunction-symptoms.html

Hang in there!- I know it's not easy- you'll find a solution that works :)

I walk in your shoes.. I think the ages 2 1/2 to 4 are very difficult at best. Keep on doing what you are doing. Be consistent ! Also in my number 5 child I have found food/ blood sugar issue greatly contribute to her ability to be "normal".
Have look look into a food sensitives? Not necessarily allergic to something but really does not agree with them? I can say it will get better high energy does not always mean ADHD. With summer coming there more opportunisties to be out side.
You may also want to give him jobs for big boys... like water the plants, take out the garbage, sweep the driveway.
You may also try talking less. Tell once what needs to be done then go about doing it with no further communication. And by all means let the little brother play at the park too let big brother hold him going down the slide and push him in the swing. if he runs off and you can still see him then tell you will miss but you are staying at the park. It is hard for a kid to realize that they are not the center of the universe. Good luck!
J. O
mom of six

Listen to your gut and take action if you feel there is something underlying. The common response will be " he's only 3, and it goes w/the territory". But, you see the difference! Consider getting him evaluated to determine if something is emerging, like ADHD. He's too young for that label though, but an experienced neuro psych can advise. My friends son has sensory integration disorder and his behavior made him stand out and she knew she wasn't just dealing with a spoiled child, like everyone was telling her. Good luck and don't be nervous!

How is he feeling, sleeping? One thing that many, especially doctors, fail to recognize is if a child is in pain, mainly gut pain, or head pain. I've seen it and have experienced it too many times.

So look at his sleep. What do his poops look like? What are the bowel movements like? Sorry, TMI for some but it is important. Do you notice a difference within minutes, hours after eating?

Don't even worry right now about transistioning to a big boy bed until you feel a bit more comfortable and have some answers.

I am going to direct you to www.tacanow.org , not because I think your son has Autism but because they have GREAT information on the site for everyone. Read it over. I am here to answer and help you in any way.

OH J.....welcome to the world of 3 year olds!!! My 3 year old grandson who has always been this sweet, loving, super super intelligent child has found a new little person to invade his body at fairly regular intervals. To further complicate things...our daughter is expecting their 2nd child around Thanksgiving. They are currently spending an extended time with my other daughter and her 17 month old...that has been quite a challange for everyone. He has become quite emotional...meltdowns are a regular occurance...he is VERY opinionated "you sit over here" "Don't look at me!!" and when things don't go exactly as he wants....oh my!!!! The last time they were at our house, he had a complete and total meltdown when he suddenly realized that they were NOT spending the night as he thought they were...there was no comforting him....no talking to him...he was just in major melt down mode. My daughter has been reading a book about 3 year olds ( I am sorry I don't have the title...if you want her website...message me...I am sure she would be happy to share information with you)....she says it is as if the author has been spying on her son and writing about him!
I would try some of the one on one time that has been mentioned...either with you or your husband and your son...let him have the reassurance that his new little brother is not taking his place.
I am not a big fan of time outs....I tried it once with my son...and after fighting with him for about 30 minutes to keep him in a chair I decided this was really useless and not accomplishing a thing. When I watch "super nanny" or whatever that show is....and see the Mom and Dad chasing a child around and around the house...and plopping them back into "time out"...I find myself wondering what this is teaching the child. Does the Nanny truly think that the young child is honestly sitting in Time Out and thinking about their transgressions and what they need to do better the next time? I think they are just sitting there getting mad at Mom or Dad and plotting their next move. I would much rather see these moments treated as teachable moments...try to make him understand why his behavior is unacceptable and try and help him come up with what WOULD be acceptable in the situation. Or help him find a way to express his frustration or anger in a more acceptable way.
Good luck to you...I know this is not fun...but...This too shall pass...I promise!!!

Hi J., I can totally relate to your situation. I have a 3 years old son and soon to be 4 years old. He was like that when he turned to 2.5 years old. Honestly, we had so many troubles and thoughts that he may be having much bigger problem than he is. We tried everything, really everything. But, turnout, it's the love and care and consistence the best. More hugs and kisses and still doing what you and your husband doing. My son has taken a very long road to improve. Now, he soon to be 4 years old. He still has tiny bit issue. But, he has improved a lot. In my son cases, sometimes, it is over simpulated. So, maybe, you should do some quiet activities with him. Like drawing and reading etc. Instead of just doing outdoor. When my son runs around, he doesn't know how to stop and will be more hyper but in fact he is soooooo tired. He is just the type don't know how to wind down by himself. These days, he is better, and he can tell us he is tired.

Also, you may eroll him to preschool. But, don't choose long hours. Twice a day. Choose some schools may be they have mixed ages. Then, He can look up to older kids.

Btw, ADHD is too young to diagnose. You may need to keep eye on this. Also, try to go to the school district, since he is 3 years old, they may have a school evaluation for him.

Good luck!

Is he in preschool? my son is and was super active..at 3 i put him in a preschool called Kid's Klub in Pasadena..only 2 days a week..and it really helped..i'm so thankful to that school..i also don't time out..i hug it out..so i handle my discipline w/ affection..so i have taught him to be a sweet heart..he still gets unruly at times..but he never gets in trouble at school..and can be reasoned with. I have a sticker chart ..Dr Seuss one..that i bought at Michael's art supply store..so if he behaves when we're out he gets a sticker on his chart..which eventually leads to a reward..he has completed 2 charts now..
This will sound odd..but he watches youtube and he likes this cartoon called the "Moomins" a Finnish cartoon..there's a cartoon purple monster named "The Grook" totally harmless looking but when he really acts up we say.."the Grook is going to come if u act like that" and then he stops..its like he's created this little monster that will scold him when he's bad..its almost like a game now..but it works for us..
u have to figure out what works for you..and if he's not in preschool then get him in one for at least a couple of days a week..
make sure its a good one..i have seen the difference between my son and other kids when they play at the park..my son never bullies and plays nicely..
i really think his preschool had a lot to do w/ it..its in Pasadena called Kid's Klub

good luck and remember he is only 3..try hugging him and talking to him..help him focus..and try parks that are inclosed..like the one in Elysian Park..there are lots of them..so he can't run off

dd

Hi:

My thought was that even if it is just for peace of mind, why don't you have him evaluated by a professional. This way you will know for sure what you are dealing with instead of just guessing and worrying. If it turns out he oes have ADHD or even something else, you can educate yourself on how to best help him. Best of luck to you. M.

Since you have several reasons to be concerned, I would have him evaluated by the school district to see if he qualifies for the town's preschool. Are you aware of him having an delays? My son goes because he had a speech delay and has some minor sensory needs that they support. There is a boy in his class that had these type of issues at his preschool (and only there) and was accepted as well with ony a minor speech delay. At 3, he really should be ready to start potty training or at least out of the crib. He also should listen to other people even if he doesn't listen to you for whatever reason. I think you need to reach out and get help because there is help out there and you do not need to live like this.

I think you're really right to understand that all kids and families are different and what works for one might not fit another, and to know that you need to address this now. I've seen parents with that 'boys will be boys' attitude, but kids who are wild and have unchecked behavior at 3 just turn into wild older children. I'm sure you can address this somehow and get his behavior manageable before he drives your whole family crazy.
I think you have a really healthy attitude. What I would try is to get really serious- take a long weekend and enlist your husband. Even try to send your younger child away if possible and just focus intensely on your son. Knowing he's young and has impulse issues decide on your priorities and where exactly the line is. I'm thinking not running away and not hitting would be mine. THen tell your son constantly what you expect (" you can play on the play structure and in the sand, but not by the parking lot", or "you can play with your brother's toys, but you can't touch your brother", whatever. As soon as that line is crossed you need to immediately remove him. If you're at the park, take the baby out and strap your son into the stroller. Let him cry and kick. No one should judge you. You can keep playing with your baby while you all calm down. THen repeat, "I put you in here because you x. Are you ready to listen now?" If he does something you didn't think of, it's only fair to give him 1 warning "do not x" or if it's something you want him TO do tell him once and then count to 3. If he doesn't comply that's a time out. He might spend all weekend in time out, but he WILL learn. Think of this time as an investment in your family's future. You say he doesn't care about timeout... I wonder if you need to change it- maybe make sure his room is safe and remove the toys for now. My niece was just like how your son sounds at the same age and my BIL turned the lock around on her door so they could lock her in (she's lovely now at 5, BTW).
I was going to recommend other things but I see you've tried them- I've been lucky that my kids responds well to stickers (for now). Just some more: Compliment him all the time for the smallest things ("I asked you to take your shoes off and you sat down right away! thank you! Let me help you take them off"). And maybe teach him necessary vocabulary? (Can he say, "Can I go play over there?" "I want that, please share it?" or "I'm mad!") Think about what triggers the worst behavior. My son benefited from learning to take deep breaths when he was upset....
I would speak to your pediatrician. I don't think things should be that hard. But I do think they diagnose things from a description of behavior and tried interventions, so whatever you can try and document in the meantime might help expedite a working solution.
Best of luck!

Your 1 year old became more active and interesting and started doing a lot more "oh, look at baby" behavior 6 months ago. I know they aren't the greatest communicators at that age, but whatever you can do to help him understand and/or help you understand his feelings, that might help. Special non-brother time probably needs to be a focus. They just want to be understood and know they're loved. YOU know you love him, but a lot of attention is going to your 1 year old and to your 3 year old, less attention = less love. Not your fault - it just happens, I think.

I hear your frustration, let me start off by telling you this behavior is only normal if it is allowed. Potty training, should of started a long time ago, (my opinion). Time out is punishment, not discipline thats why it doesnt work. Talk to your husband and agree on a type of discipline and be consistant. Before my kids were born I thought i knew everything, my husband and I talked about everything before we got pregmant so it was a lot easier for us, but don't let anyone tell you bad behavior is nomal, children will act up that is normal, but once it passes a certain degree it's no longer normal and it must be gelt with, when it gets to the point, well actually before it gets to the point that the bad behavior has control and power over your lives it has to be dealth with. Hope this helps some. J.

totally agree with Melissa H. he is most likely feeling insecure. angry, scared, hurt. left out. unimportant. don't be so quick to diagnose him with "issues". three is a tough age without adding a new sibling to the mix. i have been on here asking my own questions about mine when he was 3 and 4. and he's an only!

my only other advice is to STAY ON HIM LIKE WHITE ON RICE. sorry to use such a bad metaphor - but seriously. EVERY scratch, EVERY instance of being sassy, EVERY time he disobeys. straight to time out. he can spend an hour there if he keeps acting out. when he gets done, as soon as he does something else, straight back to time out. i kind of think of it as bootcamp - it may take a few days (or longer?) of intense re-training. you will need dad's help. get him straightened out and re-affirm his belief that you are paying attention, and that the rules still apply. try it, i bet it will help. sometimes i think we get complacent because they are such great kids - then something happens (or nothing happens- mine seems to do it about once a year) and they just start pushing boundaries like crazy, and seem to forget everything you've taught them. back to square one, then. good luck!

Right there with ya, Sister! Talk to pediatrician at next visit. No worries on potty training. My oldest didnt train til 3.5. Try establishing visible boundaries at the playground and LEAVE if he puts a toe over them (at least initially) BEFORE he can run very far. Be prepared for meltdown when this happens and figure the next time you go that you WILL leave early and he WILL have a meltdown. Then if it doesn't happen, your happily surprised and if it does, well, no surprises! :--) I did this with my older two (one of whom sounds just like your 3 yo) and after a couple of abbreviated trips to the playground, they would stay nearby.
Also I read a book recently called "The Explosive Child" which reminds us that all kids develop differently and some children are "chronically inflexible and easily frustrated" due to developmental differences. It discusses some methods of problem solving that may work in your case. Good luck!

I love the book "Mini Methods or Madness" by Janie Peterson available through Amazon. Janie is fantastic and runs a day care in Omaha specifically for difficult children; she speaks from experience. She also responds to specific questions on www.momaha.com on the momma help section. You could try "talking" to her through momaha.

J., you've gotten a lot of great answers here. I agree with the moms who say you should consider an evaluation. My older son had very similar behavior at that age - especially the not listening and just darting off. Turns out he has auditory processing disorder, which means he doesn't often understand what we say to him (think dyslexia of the ears). There are other issues that can cause the same behavior, so I'm not saying your son has this.

I would encourage you to read the book The Mislabled Child (http://tinyurl.com/3ldcttr) by Drs. Eide. It goes through all types of issues (autism, ADHD, sensory issues, learning disabilities, etc). It talks about symptoms, what other issues could be there, and in my opinion it's the best primer for parents.

Your son may have some sensory processing issues, and these are often difficult to pick up on. He could have issues with food additives/dies/etc. It could be environmental. For our son noise was huge for him, and when we were somewhere that was even remotely noisy, we couldn't reach him with words. We learned sign language. The fact that he is having potty training issues (my son did too), means he's probably out of touch with his physical body. this is also a sensory processing issue. The best book on sensory issues is The Out of Synch Child (http://tinyurl.com/3bp94rn).

I would encourage you to not criticize yourself or your parenting. I did this too, and once we figured out why our son wouldn't listen, it was a huge sadness that filled me. I wish I hadn't been so hard on me. I'm just grateful I never spanked my kids because I would have regretted punishing him physically for something he couldn't help.

Feel free to email me if you have questions. It's a tough road when your kids seem off the norm, but there are many, many parents willing to help. You don't have to figure it out on your own!

Take care,
B.

Hi:

My thought was that even if it is just for peace of mind, why don't you have him evaluated by a professional. This way you will know for sure what you are dealing with instead of just guessing and worrying. If it turns out he oes have ADHD or even something else, you can educate yourself on how to best help him. Best of luck to you. M.

Updated

Hi:

My thought was that even if it is just for peace of mind, why don't you have him evaluated by a professional. This way you will know for sure what you are dealing with instead of just guessing and worrying. If it turns out he oes have ADHD or even something else, you can educate yourself on how to best help him. Best of luck to you. M.

My 3 & 1/2 year old has started to become a bit of a nightmare too. I remember my best friend telling me that the year her daughter was 4 was the year she couldn't stand her. So I am bracing myself for that... and her daughter was/is an absolute dream child angel now. I'm hoping it's a phase. My daughter was an easy baby mostly, so maybe we are getting hit a bit late. Crossing my fingers for you and for me that this too shall pass...

Sounds like you should have moved to physical discipline about 5 months ago... not too late to start now.

If verbal discipline, redirection, schedules being made, exercise is implemented, emotional discipline and withdrawal discipline haven't worked... the most logical decision is physical discipline.

There are some great tips at http://www.toddlerbedandmore.com under toddler tips for parents that can address your problems. I think they can really help!

my son was like this too and i even tried to convince his doctor he had ADD. well his preschool had a marital arts studio come in once a week and i put him in the class. i noticed a bit of a change so i enrolled him in the studio. omg, the best thing EVER. he has learned so much respect, self control, he learned that hitting is unacceptable, so many things. he is now 6 and the change has been amazing. we still have rough spots but they are resolved easier now. it will get better. good luck to you