My 19 Month Old Hits, Bites, Pulls Hair and Kicks Daily

Hi A., When I first started to read your message I thought this child is going through the terrible twos...but as I finished I'm VERY concerned for both of you and his behavior. You're getting angry is normal and don't think for a minute that his actions are normal. Maybe in a scattered incident but this is continuing and I would seek a special child development teacher, or therapist to observe him in his own environment doing these things. I'm concerned for other people and children as the number of people in your lives grows.
He may not be able to understand the ramifications of his actions and be able to talk "out of it" but behaviorists have answers to stop this negative stuff.
You can do this!! You are in charge, but few of us know the right things to do or say to help you alter the course here. My son has autism and we have used therapists to work on issues of aggression. You are not the only parent with a difficult kid, and that's why the therapists are out there to help us make life liveable.
Your son isn't happy either...good luck. Deb
PS in reading my response it seems harsh, but I don't think having a time out is going to work for biting, kicking you in the face or hitting, pulling hair, etc. I think he will get more angry, no coping skills, no language, a baby?! right? read all you can, and talk to a behaviorist, they are with speech therapists and try Pediatric Therapy Network in Torrance, CA. for referrals.
good luck!!!

It seems pretty normal for the 19 months old boy. My son had similar action too. At this age, he is still quite young to understand the concept, they are trying to see the limits and your reaction. What we did was when he bit and hit, we don't give any reaction (even it is very painful), just pull it out, redirect him and walk away. Then, after a short while, tell him calmly that it is not right or it hurts etc. Please bear in mind that he may not understand. But, after few times, he had no fun as you didn't give any reaction and then he may stop. If he continues this till 2 year old, it will start to need more talking and Time-out as they should understand more. Hope it helps.

Hi A.,

Bravo for your commitment to model non-violence for your son! I know you feel incredibly guilty just now, but don't despair, we are all human and make mistakes. Especially as parents, and we can always learn more. My friend says he can only hope that his children will bring him up in therapy at some point because that means he actually made an impact...lol.

There are many of us who support the way you want to bring up your son. I have experienced what you go through with your son many a time. It would have been so mauch easier to give in to pressure to do it a more traditional way, but thank God I have not. My daughter and I have a close relationship and we have always talked about everything. She is now 10 and no subject is off limits. We have always been able to come back to that even at the worst of times (when her father and I split, when I started dating again). Anyway, I digress.

Check out Patty Whipfler from the Peaceful Parenting Institute. They have some amazing booklets you can order that address all kinds of issues and situations with your child. Also Hand-in-Hand Parenting has a good website. They can give you lots of ideas and support so that you don't feel alone in this. If you are anywhere near the Culver City area look up Play Mountain Place. It is a unique school with a Humanistic approach to supporting the entire family. When you are ready to start pre-school, it may be a good match for your family.

Maybe you both need a little separation! Instead of staying home working while you have a sitter, go out somewhere and get away from each other for a bit. It's not healthy to deny yourself "me" or "us" (out with spouse) time! Im sure your husband would agree!

Sounds like you are ready to implement "timeouts". He needs to be taught boundaries. My brother recommended a great book to me - 1, 2, 3 Magic. You basically give them 3 long counts to stop what they are doing and if you reach 3 you put them in a timeout. They recommend a minute for each year they are. My son is only 16 months and I tried this but he's still too young to understand so I'm holding off a bit until I pick it back up. My sister had a naughty step with her son. She'd count and if he was still acting out he'd have to go to the naughty step for a little bit. I think you'll feel better too that you have an option to teach him how to behave and you won't lose it as easy. Good luck!

wow, i feel so terrible about what you are going through. it's so difficult to give give give so much love 24/7 and get that behavior back in return. Your heart is obviously in the right place, but if you are his primary care giver and with him the majority of time, then you are the person who needs to teach him and guide him what is appropriate and acceptable behavior. He is almost two and still waking for diaper changes and feedings??? That seems way out of control, and you must be the most exhausted mom on the planet. The most important thing you can do is start setting some major boundaries and sticking to your guns. it's often easiest to let them have the ice cream for dinner, and the milk when they wake at night, because it's more exhausting to have to always follow through on your words. I had zero expereince with babies/children so when i had my son, who is now 5, alot of was winging it or talking to other moms etc but i also found several books that really helped tremendously. One of them that might help you is called Setting Limits with your Strong willed child by Robert J Mackenzie. it seems to be geared maybe for children a bit older, but since you are dealing with these issues of anger and conflict, it would be really worth it for you to take a look. It tells how to eliminate unnecessary power struggles (what they eat, and when, when to go to bed, etc etc) and how to go about setting clear consistent boundaries. Its not that he is a bad child, he just has learned that this behavior gets him what he wants. this is also a prime time for this kind of behavior, because they want to be independent but aren't able to yet. Although because his behavior sounds to be on the extreme end, you may look into talking to a child therapist or professional to get advice so you can start to enjoy a peaceful existence. Check out the Super Nanny website! I wish you all the best, good luck and hang in there!