My 12 Yr Old Son

At this age, they are also going through puberty which makes it harder for them to focus. O think itskes them feel like they are somewhat out of control and maybe a little crazy. You might mention that to him. It may give him an aha moment. It sounds like you are doing a greet job at parenting him!

I think you are expecting him to be much more introspective than the average children is capable of. He may not want to talk about it because you want to analyze his emotions and his motivations. If I were you I would explain that he needs to get better grades and what can the two of you do to make better grades happen. He probably needs guidance. Good-luck.

I think that at this age, some kids do tend to get a little burned out and a little overwhelmed.. They stop trying and then get so far behind they have no idea how to make it better.

Instead of asking 'Why" begin asking "what can you do to bring up this math grade?"
If he is not sure, you can give him some suggestions, but he has to make the actual plan.

"How are you going to remember to do your homework and then turn it in?"
Again, maybe suggest for each class during the day he have a different folder.
red ~ math, Blue ~ language arts etc..
On the left side pocket, homework due, on the right pocket homework to turn in..

You also need to speak with each teacher and find out what he does in class. Is he alert? Does he seem to understand the work. Does he need tutoring? Is there a Saturday study hall? Is there a mentoring program?

He may need to be moved to the front of the class. He may need to have each teacher sign a confirmation each week that he completed all of his work.

Then you will now have to make sure he shows you what is due the next day and that he has completed it. You may have to actually sit with him to make sure he gets it all done. Not as punishment, but so that he can get into the habit for doing it and completing it..

In our school district they now have homework and grades posted online and parents and students know at any moment what is missing, what is due and what their current grades are.. I know, it is awesome..

I am sending you strength..

Maybe you're talking too much about it to him? Maybe you should leave it more to his teachers?

I suggest you talk to his teacher about his/her opinion about your son's schoolwork. He/she probably has a pretty good idea about what type of student he is, and why he's not performing.

Also, is it possible he's just not stellar academic material? Some kids just aren't as brilliant as others, but we, as their parents, expect them all to be amazing. Maybe even in your loving way, he senses unreasonably high expectations.

"Why" and "how come " are very difficult questions to answer... even for adults. You are asking him open ended questions, and that is great, but they are very loaded and quite heavy, even though they are open ended, they are leading questions... which isn't so great and could maybe even bring more confusion (maybe not the school one, but the unloved one could be hard to answer). It's wonderful how supportive you are instead of tearing him down too.

Instead of asking him what's the deal, help him focus more. Set up a nice, quite and well organized area for him to study, bring him a snack after school, as he sits down for homework. No tv/computer/phone until after homework is done. Get him a planner and wall calendar. Try and figure out his learning style, is he visual, does he need to write it down, is he hands on? create a way that helps him remember things. Flash cards he writes and you can help quiz him with them, make graphs and charts if he is more visual. Have a dry erase board in his study area he can take notes and write important dates on.

I think Laurie A. had some great advice for you. This could be puberty and learning organization, but it could also be learning issues. If it is learning issues your son may not be able to really say. He only knows its difficult. Learning issues may not present themselves until this age when the pace is stepped up. Just keep an open mind, talk to the teachers and keep helping your son the best you can. See if it improves. If you do suspect learning issues there are people who can test him and help you help him there too.

At this age, boys tend to lose interest in school. They are more interested in friends, girls and sports. I think you should maybe stop looking for some deep rooted problem, and accept the fact that he's a normal boy and that you are going to have to be a little firmer with him to get him to do what he needs to do (homework). He needs to be sent to his room to do his homework and not come out until its done. Then, when he says its done, you need to look at each assignment and make sure its done. i don't mean look to see if it's correct but make sure there is an answer for each question and that the answer shows some thought.

I'm assuming he is in middle school and what was helpful for my daughter was to use a planner. She wrote down all of her assignments, upcoming tests and such. This was/is a requirement of the school distict and helps the kids with organization. It's all online now but super helpful. Good luck!

I hope you'll read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. It coaches parents on how to make the child a working part of any solution, and because the kids get to help determine their future course, they are invested in making it work. Brilliant book, with many wonderful and effective techniques, and it sounds like it will fit very compatibly with your basic style. I use it with my nearly-5yo grandson all the time, and we have the most marvelous team interactions.

I worked with at-risk students for a few years at the high-school level. Many of these kids had stopped caring about school, didn't see any point in it, or were discouraged by something that was too hard for them. I got pretty consistently terrific results by making only positive comments about their work or their willingness to pay attention. It was sometimes really challenging to find a positive comment – it might be only something like, "Ah, it looks like that explanation connected for you!" or, "See this problem? You got it, right there! See how you approached that from a slightly different angle? That was it!" (Never mind that the rest of their solutions were a disaster, or not done at all.)

Kids are hungry for acknowledgment. They are desperate to have their efforts noticed. Tiny successes can provide the groundwork for bigger ones.

Your son is also quite possibly distracted by social dynamics at school, perhaps a crush or fear of bullies or a teacher who is impatient and discouraging. Using the techniques in How to Talk, you'll be able to uncover patterns that are making his school experiences less than positive.

I think he's overwhelmed. Somewhere along the line he got "off track" and needs help getting back on track. It's too overwhelming for him to get it going again and so it's easier to "put his head in the sand".......poor thing.

If he doesn't have a homework planner, I would get him one. Binder clip it open to the week he is working in. Teach him how to be organized. This planner can remain on his desk so he can easily write his homework assignments in it when the teacher announces them. Tests/quizzes inlcuded. Also, contact the teacher to let him/her know his troubles. this is not uncommon, but they should be aware that it's happening to your son and you need to work together. As he gets older, school will get more difficult as teachers will begin to expect more from him responsibility-wise. He needs help now to be ready for future years.

I also put a folder in my sons backpack labeled "mom". This folder allows my son to put anything in there he is supposed to show me. This way he doesn't have to remember until he gets home :o) That is working great in our home right now.

Contact the teacher, if you cannot wait for the conferences about this time of year. send an email asking his/her routine for homework. Is homework written on the board each day? Math every night? spelling due thursday? social studies wed night? tests every friday? You need to know what to expect your son to have homework-wise each night. And the teacher needs to know that your son is gong through this.......sometimes teachers are more forgiving and understanding if they have good communication from the parents.

Sometimes I needed to be "cheerleader" for my son to get through this. I stood next to him reading the questions and he would write the answers. I didn't DO his homework, just simply let him know he wasn't doing it alone. I was support. Only 2 weeks of this and he learned that it's not as bad as he thought and he can do it alone, but it was HE that had to know that in order to carry on a routine. It gave him a feeling of accomplishment, which gave him back some self-confidence with his homework. wheew!

As far as routine, I would re-establish a homework routine in your home. afterschool allow him a snack and 15 mins to unwind. Then straight to homework. at his age, he should have no more than 45min-1hr at the longest depending on how fast he can work. a school handbook usually states this. this will take dedication from you to help him, but it will be worth it to get his homework habits back on track.

If it were my son, I'd go easy on him.....just support him and tell him what you expect of him and that you ARE going to help him, it's not a choice :o) I firmly believe with your attention, he can overcome this and get back on track.

I don't think anything has "happened" to create this situation for him, I think it's normal. Puberty is starting for some his age and emotions for boys are the first to trigger (aside from the voice changing)....at least with my son his emotions were like this earlier than other boys in his class.

My son is now in 8th grade and has continued his homework habits after we "hit them hard" in 4th grade. I just spontaneously check on him, but we still follow the same routine.

Good luck through this difficult time. You will find your way to help him :o)

~N. :O)

I'm not sure if this is a puberty thing, or an organizational problem. You'll have to determine that yourself - your gut will tell you. I had an organizational problem with my 12yo daughter the first two months of middle school. It's a huge change for them and she just didn't know how to handle all of the changes. A friend loaned me her book, Organizing the Disorganized Child by Martin L. Kutscher and Marcella Moran and it completely changed how we approached schoolwork. It primarly talks about how each person/child has a different learning and organizational style and how to identify your child's learning style and then come up with a plan on how to get your child organized based on their learning style. We went from frustration and tears every night due to forgotten homework, books, etc which resulted in bad grades to now not forgetting any homework or books and her grades have improved at least one full grade, two in some classes. Good luck, and hang in there. Middle school is very challenging for both children and parents, but I find little pearls of joy in the chaos of middle school.

Sounds like puberty :). I think I would talk to his teacher and find out if he's having trouble keeping up in the classroom. If he says he can't remember what his homework is, I would insist he start using a homework planner to keep track of what is due when.

Hello Leonor. I have 5 children and have learned that both boys and girls are "going try the change" at this age. They listen to friends more, don't want parents to be friends but the leader of the pack and as my 12yo granddaughter says" not in myface but setting boundries so I know where the line is I am going to cross" Is there another parent, gradparent, friend that he will talk to that you trust? When they stop wanting to talk them they will usually talk to someone else.. I have learned by sad experiance that some kids really don't seem to have it together enough to remember the WHYS of thier actions. So take the bull by the horns, and with the open ended questions and flat set the boundries and expectations that you have and take away the privleges until he meets them. In 2 more years he will talk even less so if the boundries and foundation is set now you will have less pain. The Consolation? boys go thru this much better and faster than girls!

Ok...maybe this isn't your son, but as the mom of a teen boy and a friend of a mom with a teen boy, this is my opinion.

He doesn't want to do the work. He doesn't feel like it. He wants to just watch tv, play video games, sleep or hang out with his friends. He has discovered that no one can "make him" do things.

My advice? Tell him that if he doesn't know or doesn't remember, that you are taking away the tv time, video game--whatever it is that he does with his free time--until that grade comes back up. Also, give the teacher a call and find out the other side. A conference with the teacher and your son is ideal. Once they realize you and the teacher are on the same side, they tend to get back on the ball--at least for awhile.

Welcome to the land of teenagers.

Welcome to adolescence!!!! Now you know why there are TONS of "My child is an honor student at ABC elementary school" stickers and hardly ANY "My child is an honor student at ABC middle school/jr. high/high school". As a veteran of the "homework wars", all I can tell you is get a plan together and stand firm no matter what. Every rule you lay down from here on in is going to be tested more thoroughly than a new model of car for accident safety and you are the crash test dummy LOL. My suggestion is to keep in close contact with the teacher(s) so that you can double check every response you get from him. Once he knows you are checking on him, he will be on alert that if he lies, you will most likely catch him and make sure that he knows what the consequences are and that you WILL enforce them NO MATTER WHAT. Its all about consistency. Good Luck.

Welcome to adolescence! Usually by 13 years old the boys stop talking. Open ended questions are good, but many times they really don't know why they do what they do. It's not always a line, but the truth as they know it.
I think there are several questions you need answers to. Does he have a learning disability? Many smart kids can "fake it" for quite awhile. Talk to the teachers about what they are seeing and what they think is the problem. Organization can be a part of the problem. Boys get the organizational thing much later than girls. My kids have had planners since second grade. They are great for getting a list of the homework for the night. One of my children always had to be asked if he had is planner and needed books/papers when picked up from school. Their memories are so short. A snack when the kid gets home, maybe a short "downtime" period, then homework. No TV, games, etc until homework is done. If the grades remain bad no TV, games, going out can be extended to the weekends. You can check to see if the homework is completed. Word of caution here. You want him to learn that he is responsible for the homework, not you. Personally I will except bad grades if the point is to teach them the consequences of not completing his work. I rather he learn these lessons now, than high school or college. You do need to figure out if he is at the point that he feels so overwhelmed that he can never get caught up. That feeling will lead him to stop trying. In that case you and he need to come up with a plan for how it will get done. Maybe a calendar with what will be done which night and weekend. My oldest only played club soccer during middle school because his grades weren't good enough for us to allow him to play middle school sports as well. My husband wanted to take soccer away, but I felt every kid needs something they are good at in their life. It also provided an energy release which is really important for the boys. Know you are not alone. He sounds like a normal boy!

I'm being told it's because they are a teenager...hormones. It's a daily battle with me...regarding items to get us out the door on time, I've tried telling him to get it together the night prior to help. Since, he started football (a new venture), his grades have been outstanding. I wish you the best...just loving them and being there for them is the best that we can do.