Motivation for 16 Yr Old Daughter

What kinds of consequences do you have at home for things like......not putting laundry in hamper or laundry room? Not picking up her own things? Not taking dishes to sink or diswasher? Not prioritizing things in school or home? KIDS SHOULD NOT BE BRIBED FINANCIALLY!

What ever happend to PRIDE AND SELF-DISCIPLINE? If she wants to be social, then she must read certain books, do certain chores around the house to do he part (she is NOT a guest), etc. Respect is earned and learned! How about some family time with mom & or dad to talk about, learn, experience - even if that means community service work - what it means to appreciate what you have and not take things - ESPECIALLY FAMILY - for granted!

Sounds like a case of the "it girl" syndrome; you know, hilton and company, it looks good on TV right? But it's not reality unless you have Hilton money (even they don't, Grandpa is only giving them $5M each when he dies,because they have all screwed up.) Unfortunately, she will probably wake up to reality in the last semester of her senior year, without intervention. Is she still able to look at MTV, VH1, etc? Whatever she loves the most, remove it no work in school, no rewards of clothes, driving privileges, TV, or dates. Get her a job mopping floors in a nursing home for the summer or working in a hotel as a housekeeper. Let her see what her future will look like.

i was the exact same at her age!!!! honestly if nothing works, then there probably isn't much you could do. she'll learn once she has to go to summer school or something. i wish you a lot of luck. i too was really into boys..... that's really what i remember about school too. but somehow i got through it all. maybe even sit down and have a serious talk. and i read peoples response about ADHD.... i wouldn't buy into that. she's been fine all along until now, i'd think it was more of a phase.

Hi T.,
Your daughter does not realize it now - but she is truly one lucky little lady. She has parents who care and have tried everything to help her succeed.

Welcome to the real world. School administrators - parents - the Federal Government (NCLB) and yes even students point the finger and blame the teachers because little Johnny or Susie are getting failing grades in school. Our federal employees are giving school systems unachievable mandates. If the schools fail they lose federal funding. No funding no necessary tools to assist the students learning process. Do they truly want the system to turn out unthinking uneducated citizens to be able to manipulate and control the population? Seems that way to me.

Multiply your daughter X5 or 10 more students per class X 5 or 6 classes a day - then people may understand the delimma our teachers are in. They invest a small fortune in their education to try to educate our youth, but they are becoming a payed nose and butt wiper or babysitter for our children.

Ever heard that saying - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink? That applies to students - you can lead them to books and into a classroom but you can't make them learn. Classroom bullies and clowns make it hard for the students who want to learn by disrupting the whole class. A teacher sends them to the office and office personnel sends them back to class telling the teacher to deal with it. Who's being hurt? The other 25 to 30 students in the class and the teachers are the losers.

The administration refuses to supply necessary tools to assist the teachers, pencils - paper - other equipment needed if it costs the system money. I have talked with teachers who buy paper and pencils and other supplies with their own money because students come to class un-prepaired. It's not always the parents fault either. Children are smart in ways to make the adults do their bidding - and most adults can not see this. If all children understood the power they possess they would indeed control the world.

Alas - you are wasting your time. Your daughter will learn nothing until she comes to the realization that she is hurting herself and no one else. Please tell your daughter for me - She will realize too late the love and desire of her parents who want only the best for her. We are too soon old and too late smart. We get one chance at life and there is no going back. Every opportunity we are given is lost if we refuse to take advantage of it. Yes, we will always make mistakes and if we learn from out mistakes we are ahead of the game of life. If we refuse to learn anything we will continue to make the same mistakes over and over again and more than two times - it is no mistake - but deliberate.

I wish you and your daughter success. Wake up daughter - your parents has lived a lot longer than you and you will realize one day of just how smart they were and are, and believe it or not -if you live long enough you will be a whole lot like your silly parents.
D. Y.

Like the other woman - I wish my mom had done what her parents did. I slacked off and got away with it and now wish my mom had had the gumption to endure what I am sure would have been my bitchiness, surliness, tears, insistence that she just didn't understand... how awful, but I didn't ever have the respect for my mom's authority as I would have my dad, but he died when I was 12. In order to get respect I think you have to demand it - and resign yourself to the possibility of two years of misery if you're going to help your daughter. And perhaps some counseling and reality checks in the meantime.

By that I mean - what does your daughter think her life will be like if she drops out of highschool... or doesn't get the grades to get into college... is college even an option? Even a two-year degree? Working retail or flipping burgers might be fun when she's a teen-ager, but eventually, she'll want more and there won't be anything to fall back on. If you are unable to convey this to her, then you need to find someone who can.

Perhaps your husband needs to have a heart-to-heart with her as well - does she have quality relationships? What are her priorities? Can she articulate what qualities would make a boy a good boyfriend? Does she have standards? Teen-agers are woefully poor at advising their other friends to be responsible...

With anything else, you've got to keep the goal in mind. And remember, however old she seems or how stubborn, she's not making the best choices. She's not really "choosing" to throw away her future on friends and boys - she's just doing it because she can. And as her parents, it's up to you to make it clear that she can't - not any longer. Get involved, talk to her friends' parents, make sure you know everything that's going on. She's got 2 years left - so do you, really, to make the last big push for responsibility and wisdom - while you still can.

i am in the very same situation. my daughter is 16 and doesn't care about school one bit. the only reason she goes is it's time to socialize. she now is enrolled(mandatory) in an extened day program where 3 days a week she has to stay at school til 4pm to make up work she never handed in. when she does apply herself she get's high scores. i don't get it. she is repeating the 10th grade and still failing everything.
when she turned 10 her dr.dx.her adhd. had a million appts.w/counselors, physcologist's, teachers and several meeting w/administration at school to try to get her an iep. they denied her cause they see she doesn't care. don't know where to go from here. it's been since 4th grade is when the real struggles w/her started. i can't fight the fight for her anymore. i can't do the school work for her. she makes it so hard for herself and i don't know if she knows why? anyone have any positive input on this

When I received a grade less-than-acceptable, my parents made me study for ONE FULL HOUR for whatever subject I wasn't excelling in. For instance, if I brought a C home in Social Studies, I had to study social studies for one hour every night until I brought my grade back up. My parents would request for the teacher to bring home progress reports until the grade came up. THIS WORKED ALL THE WAY THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL! Towards the end of the hour, my parents would always come in and say "15 minutes left - do you want any help?"

This punishment was also a way to say "If you don't study during the day, you're going to study in the evening".

Just an idea.

I'm with some of the other mothers who gave examples of punishments you can push on her. If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with her, you and your husband, and have a sheet of paper already prepared beforehand by you guys. I would start out by telling her a few simple statistics, like "___people out of 100 (easier for kid to understand than using %) that do not go to college make ___much less money a year than people who do." Or maybe say something about her current grades, and what types of colleges she will have as her choices, whereas all the other kids in her class that have above average grades can pick from ____. Then, I would say "Since you have proven to us that we cannot trust you with being responsible for your grades on your own, the following things are going to happen until you prove us otherwise.
Then I would have a list.....something like
Everyday you will bring home EVERY book from ALL your classes.
Everyday you will have all your teachers sign a paper that your father and I will prepare and send with you, stating that you handed in your homework.
Every night during the week, you will come home and work on your homework until done, then you will spend 1 hour studying and reading from your textbooks.
On Saturdays, we want to see every paper, every test, and every worksheet handed back to you from your teachers from the whole week. (have a place in her room or something where she can keep these throughout the week as she gets them)
Until your grades are up, you may only get together with your friends one night a month, or two, or whatever.

Then, I would have very specific consequences spelled out for her if she fails to do any of the things you decide to demand from her.

If you don't do this, you're going to be totally responsible when she is trying to get into colleges and being denied. Plus, she's only going to feel worse about herself when she is truly trying, but can't make it in anywhere she really wants to.

If the things on your list don't make much of a difference, than I would change them up and try again. Eventually, you will find things that she really really hates, and THAT's when you get results. I think that bringing all books home everyday is such a good one, that would really suck! Plus, sitting with you guys while you go through her papers, that would suck if she has any bad grades in there!!! Stubborn or not, there's ALWAYS a way!!

Hi, I am a Jr. High special education teacher with speciality in behavior concerns. Sometimes focusing on the behavior you want can help. After you have grounded her from things during the year, try giving her back something is small doses. Like 10 min. on the phone each day that she shows you her completed homework; or 30 tv. The process and reward system have to be short and quick to try and build up her internal desire. I have somewhere at school a really neat prgram a parent used based on points earned everyday for almost everything. The child could then use (spend) the points earned for activites or things she wanted. It was rather complicated, but it did work with this child. Even to the point of better eating habits. If you would like, I will search for that and send it to you. As a parent, I have found that the more time I can spend casually with my children helps in their day to day behavior. When they were your daughters age, the best time seemed to be in the car going somewhere. Kind of a captive audience, and our attention could be somewhere else while we discussed sensitive topics. I will be praying for you T., that is a rather new skill that I am really learning how to improve. This is a hard age.

J.

T.--

Have you had your daughter evaluated for ADHD? Girls with this issue may not by "hyper" like young men, but overly social and hypersexual. The stubbornness can also be a symptom--you learn to be "oppositional" to being told to do things because you can't focus on them long enough to remember them later.

ADHD is often not diagnosed in girls, but if she does have this challenge, and starts learning to deal with the problems herself now, this will save her a MILLION problems that are MORE costly as an adult.

P.S. Learning she has the problem does NOT automatically mean medications!!

I remember reading something where one parent would go to school and sit in the back of the classroom, and basically mirrored their child until they started behaving and the grades went up. Even if your school system wouldn't agree, the threat of it might work great!

I was the same way at her age, then my parents did the unthinkable *gasp* they made me ride the bus,took away the car, they checked with me about homework......then called the teachers to make sure I had it right, if I lied, out went TV, sleepovers,any social life etc. after half of a semester of that I straightened up REAL quick and stayed on track. They were overbearing and......wonderful! I got the best life lesson in taking responsability, my parents are still very close and very involved, we have a great relationship. Good luck!

T.,
I was so very much your daughter, in high school. It is not that she doesn't care although she may act that way. For a long time I didn't know what was going on with me, or couldn't explain it, to my folks or teachers, they all just got mad and frusterated. So I did too. Take her to a learning center like Sylvan, I wish we had places around like that when I was growing up. Trust me, she will fight you at first, but once she goes she will thank you later. I had high anxiety about tests, studing and failing. That when I did it just seemed to fit. My senior year I also found I had been dislexic the whole time. Good luck to you both.

SHe will be an adult in 2 years so she needs to start thinking about what she will do when she graduates. I would sart looking at vocational schools so she has some skills to find a job when she graduates unless you plan on supporting her for the rest of her life. ( which I am sure you do not plan on doing). SHe needs to choose and if her grades are not there for college and it is very expensive she may already have chosen. At this point all you can do is to offer to help her prepare for a vocation. Maybe that will wake her up. Most school districts offer vocational training. There are many opportunities at these schools and many do go on to college. They can offer dental hygenists to computer or office work to to hairdressers to horticultarlists (I know I have misspelled many of these professions). If you know of something she is really interested in find someone in that field to may be mentor or shadow. That may also encourage her to do more. Good luck. (Mother of 25 year old, 15 y, and 10y boys and one 13 y girl)

Perhaps try getting her involved in after school activities like volunteering at the pet shelter, MDA, child's foster home like Knoll house or Crossroads. Maybe she needs to struggle a bit and see how blessed she is to appreciate what she has.

You can also talk to her teachers and have them email you assignments for the day and week. You can check with your daughter daily to make sure she is completing her school work on time and turning it in.

GPA in high school is only important if she does really well in school. Then she can get extra grants or try to earn scholastic funds for college. Average students are not likely to get that much funds except loans for college and grants based on need verses GPA. It's probably just a phase.

Don't feel too bad about this. I went through the same thing, many of my friends, my brother. She'll get it worked out as long as she doesn't get mixed up with a serious relationship - kids or drugs. Try to keep in her activities to keep her out of trouble and get her to put a focus on helping others. Often putting effort towards others will help us put our own lives into focus.

If you are very worried, perhaps try taking her to counseling. Perhaps there's some underlying issue that is keeping her from focusing because of stress, emotions, hormones, etc.

It possibly sounds like there might be more going on than just refusing to do homework and turning it in. She probably needs some counseling in order to pinpoint what is really going on. You need to reassure her that you love her no matter what; however, set some strong consequences and rules for earning social priviledges. I would put things down in writing so there is no arguing of you didn't say that. Family and individual counseling might be beneficial to learn what is really going on.

This is a subject near and dear to my heart, as I was that teen. I had always been one of the smartest kids in school. I made straight A's, and was even supposed to skip 2 grades. When I reached the teen years and found boys, things drastically changed. My step-dad, who I admire greatly now, tried to lay down the law. My mother was the avoider, who thought it best to ignore issues rather than deal with them. I wish now that they had been on a united front. When I was caught skipping school, my dad took me back into school singing and dancing the whole way down the hall. We are not talking quietly either! Can you imagine the embarrasment to a 16 yr old!? I have taken that same approach with my oldest. (The other 2 aren't old enought yet!) He is an extremely bright boy, but he thinks that as long as he is doing good enough it's ok. He had been acting out in class, worrying too much about socializing, etc. His one and only warning was this...If you do not remedy this situation IMMEDIATELY on your own, I will be attending class with you. I will skip with you to class, holding your hand. We will sit and learn together. We will have lunch together. Mommy will be your new best friend. We will see how "cool" your friends think you are skipping down the hall with mommy. He is 12. Let's just say the next report from the teacher was WOW!