I got my master's and doctorate before having children. For me, I don't know how I could have done it with children. My program was long, demanding, and intense. And, way before the time of any on-line classes.
But, that's just me. I knew somehow that I needed to get my education out of the way before I started a family. There were, however, some women in my program who had children and managed to do it. I was always in awe of them and was fortunate enough to become friends with some of them. Their dedication and determination were inspiring to me. They were role models and showed me how strong women can be, how many roles they can handle well all at once.
What I learned about them was that they were highly organized, efficient, and always got started on assignments and projects immediately---no procrastination, no excuses. It always seemed like they were steps ahead of everyone else.
At home, they asked for help when needed and found other sources of help when their husbands weren't so helpful or present, or when they had no other family nearby.
They were very good at prioritizing and let lots of things go, like housework and projects. They sacrificed things like having new clothes or cars, taking extended vacations, or being room mom or soccer coach, but the trade-off was they knew they were teaching their children important lessons about the value of education, hard-work, independence, and delay of gratification. Most importantly, they were there for their children for the important stuff.
They displayed proper respect for the professors and the program and developed excellent student-professor relationships, unlike some of the cocky, "brilliant," fresh out of undergrad kids, some of whom ended up getting kicked out of the program. Nothing like the attitude of a youngster who thinks he/she knows everything. Not these women. They had life experience, relationship experience, parenting experience, and they wisely used that experience in negotiating all of the demands of grad school and got themselves through the progam.
So, my advice based on what I learned from them is to have lots of support lined up BEFORE you start the program. Since you have family nearby, ask each of them how much they are willing to help and make out a schedule for child-care help. Fill in the blanks with non-family childcare (nanny, babysitter, or daycare) when necessary. Also, have a back-up plan in place in the event your primary child-caretaker is sick, needs vacation, etc.
Talk with your fiance before you start and determine specifics on how he will help. Keep an on-going dialogue. How will your roles change? How much more childcare duties will he take on? How does he feel about that? What about possible feelings of resentment? You already have one child and are trying for a second. Then, you will have your graduate program. What happens when he realizes he is going to be at the bottom of the priority list a good deal of the time during the program? How will you keep your relationship strong through all of this? These are questions for you two to discuss beforehand and to keep discussing throughout the program.
Look around your home and think of your daily life. Are there projects that have been lingering, waiting to be finished? Do them now. Get them out of the way. Decide where and how you can let some things go in terms of household work. This is especially important if you're used to cooking homemade meals every night and always having everything in order and keeping a super-tidy home. Take out meals, dust-bunnies, and piles of laundry will be your new companions! Make peace with that. : )
Check with the program to determine your options. Must you attend full-time, or is there some flexibility to go through the program on a part-time basis? This may be a helpful option, if it exists.
Good luck to you. Hope all goes as planned. Keep that vision in your mind of walking across the stage getting your doctorate. It's a powerful motivator!
J. F.
I apologize to all of the grammar and spelling police. It's late; I can't find my reading glasses and am too lazy to go look for them. Please forgive any mistakes! : )