Mother in Law's Car Seat Improperly Installed?

My mother is the same way. She never puts the seat in correctly. I would suggest before letting her take the kids offer to put the seat in for her. If she says no thank you, then insist. I had nightmares about my mother driving my nieces and nephews around and tighten the seat in her car at every opportunity.

Your mother in law is probably about my age or a little older. This is what you are dealing with, in my opinnion.

We were the first generation to understand the need for a car seat and we were so careful to make sure that our own parents understood it was needed. We grew up not even wearing seat belts let alone using a car seat. So our own parents put up with it, only because we insisted that they use one.

The difference is this. Our car seats were simplistic. Meaning they provided the 2 uses, a pumpkin seat and a car seat. As the child got older they were a booster seat at the resturant and a booster car seat. The only installation they required was a tight fitting seat belt placed through the proper openings. You were encouraged to take them out as needed and to put them back in as needed.

She is like our parents were to us, operating on a misguided understanding. We were taught that installation of a car seat was a snap and as parents we did it every day. So for her to remove it and replace must seem like something that everyone would do. She may not fully understand that the standards have changed and that they car seat must stay in place once installed.

I would have a sit down with her and explain your concerns. Show her the statistics of what can happen with one that is not properly put into place. Help her understand that the car seats today are much more complicated and require the help of a professional. She is most likely just not understanding. however she must love the little ones very much. Give her the talk and let her know how worried you are about it.

Now this is the hard part. You know the statistics and you know what could happen with one that is not properly installed. if there was an accident and you had not insisted could you every forgive her, or for that matter yourself. This not a small issue. Let her know that it has to be done properly or she will have to visit with them when you can drop them off and pick them up, with no trips while they have them.

It is you right and your duty as a mama, even though it is hard. Good luck!

I agree with Becky. I am also a grandma and I HAVE NO CHILDREN. As a courtesy I have a car seat to pick up the kids here and there for the parents. My daughter like you complains when I take it out. I have a life also that means if we go somewhere we may need to use the backseat for people.
I told her then you drop the kids off and pick them up from now on and they will stay where we are.
I understand about the safety and we do put it back and it is a hassle. SO I dont pick up anylonger. Fine by me.

I see that someone else suggested getting help from the police or fire department. But, instead of having them constantly doing it for your MIL, why not just have them teach her how to be sure it is installed correctly. It will be easier for her to take instruction from them and they are usually very patient and good at giving directions. They are also very good at helping people understand how important these things are. Just because she doesn't understand doesn't mean she can't understand.

Something that is a good idea for every family is to take a trip to visit the fire department, anyway. You can tell your MIL that you have planned to take the kids to meet the firemen so they will know how to recognize and accept help from them in an emergency situation. Then ask her to come with you. I took my son when he was a pre-schooler. They show the children all their equipment and what they wear, including gas masks which can really frighten a child if they are not familiar with them. This way a child won't run from the fireman when the fireman is trying to rescue them. When you call to make the appointment to bring the kids, ask if there will be someone there to teach you and your MIL how to be sure a car seat is properly installed.

Spacey or not, I'll bet she can learn this. There are times when a car seat needs to be taken out and re-installed. Anyone who is going to be using one should learn this for themselves. I hope to someday be the grandmother and will soon be the MIL. I can tell you that I would not keep a car seat or two using up space in my car for years just because my grandchildren will use them a few times a month. I would remove the car seat between visits and would trust that my DIL would be able to come to me and ask for help if she was truly worried about something.

The trick with parents and inlaws is that they should be asked, not told, about almost everything. I found that my inlaws often, not always, but often were very supportive if I came asking for help or support in something I was trying to do for their grandchild. If I were to say, "Don't feed my child this type of food," they would resent it and feel criticized. But, I found they were much more supportive if I said, "Would you be willing to help me keep watch that my son doesn't eat this type of food? Our doctor suggested that these foods might be causing a problem and the only way I can find out is to eliminate them."

I always say, learn to treat your parents and inlaws with great honor and respect. After all, you are setting the example for how you want your children to treat you when you are the grandparent. It helps to remember that the river does not easily flow upstream. It was my parent's responsibility to educate me, my responsibility to educate my children, and my children's responsibility to educate their children. Some of the most painful experiences I have ever had resulted from me trying to instruct or micro-manage my parents. However much we might learn to have an adult relationship with our parents, the fact is that they will always have more life experience than we do. They may not have as much experience with more modern equipment, such as car seats, but it will help if you can sympathize with the fact that it is difficult for parents to take instruction from their children without feeling a bit foolish. By phrasing your requests respectfully, you might find they are willing to learn. They just have a rather natural aversion to being disrespected or told what to do.

Although I wish I had learned this earlier than I did, I am so glad I learned it while my son was young. I had one of the best relationships with my MIL that anyone could hope for. She was one of my best friends and I miss her terribly. She also provided many of my son's best childhood memories. I hope you get to enjoy your MIL as much as I did mine.

S., they do free checks all the time at police stations and fire stations. It doesn't "have" to be installed by a professional, and when we were short on cash we had to move the carseat from one vehicle to the other often. It does need to be installed correctly though. I think you are right to be concerned but think you are also over reacting a tiny bit. If you are sure it is not installed correctly before she leaves take a few minutes to secure it correctly...no big deal, relax = )
Have a great day
B.

I understand the inconvenience having it installed at all times it places on the grandparents, but your child's safety is the most important thing. Surely she can understand that? What if you offer to trade cars with her (wash hers and get gas for her as a a thank you)? That way, she's got your car with the proper car seats. If that doesn't work, ask your husband to talk to her about it. Like you said - if it was your parents, you could explain it. It would be the same way for us. Good luck!

Call you local police dept. or highway patrol. They will come to your (or her) house & show her how it needs to be installed.
A young teenage mother from my church was driveing with her baby girl securly strapped in a carseat. They got in a car wreck. The mother died in that accident, but since the carseat was properly installed the baby lived. Her grandmother (her mom's mom) adopted her. It is a sad story, but if the baby & her carseat had not been fastened in properly the baby would have died too.
I am completely with you about car seats. We left our 7 y/o with my MIL one time at a restraunt for 20 min. just so we could pack & check out of the hotel we were staying at (we were all out of town for my SIL's graduation). We told my in-laws that we would be back for our son in about 20 min. (he was still eating). When we got back to the restraunt they were gone & my 7 y/o did not have his booster seat since they were supost to stay there. They didn't call to ask or say that they were leaving, so we went to my SIL's house & found them. I ripped them soooooo badly about my son not having his seat & how he could have been killed if someone had hit them. They acted like him being without his seat was not a big deal. We left without going to the graduation b/c I couldn't be around my in-laws after that. To this day I still do not completely trust them with my boys (7 & 3) & I have never recieved an apology for their neglegence. I understand that they come from a different age, but ignorance is not a good excuse, expecially if someone is killed because of it.
I don't have any suggestions for carseats. I love our Graco Nautilus 3 in 1 carseat. However the seat belts in my mom's car are too difficult to use on it so I use the 'latch' (?) anchors (the ones that go between the seats) in her car & the seat belt in our cars.

God bless!

I suspect, like the other mom's, that she just doens't know how to properly put one it...I mean really, WE all survived w/o carseats (and so did they) so this is most likely an entirely new and very foreign thing to her. (And probably a major pain in the butt that she really doesn't think is necessary) Not to mention, unless she's a contortionist, it can be really difficult to get it in the car.

As for the recommendations, yeah, you could just install it when you go over...just suck it up and make it part of the routine, "here mom, let me install that for you..." OR you could get her to go to a car seat check with you in HER car and she can SEE how it is actually supposed to be done. This way it's done by a professional and as you know, they go through EVERY LITTLE DETAIL with you about how to put those things in! That could be helpful and YOU aren't the "know-it-all" the professional is. Or the bottom line is, if she won't install it right or leave it in, then you just need to stand up for your kid and tell her that she just won't be able to take the kids anyplace.

Finally, you can ALWAYS get the kids in on it as well...My kids NEVER fail to tell us if we start moving the car and they aren't buckled in yet...and they are ADAMENT about having to be in their carseats...they know the rules with or without us...if the kids feel uncomfortable THEY need to also speak up and say something to grandma. Sounds like everyone needs to be a little more safety conscious. You're spot on for bringing it up...stick to your guns. You should also get hubby in on it too, after all, she is HIS mother.

I just always install or at least check the seat before I let my son get in the car with his grandpa (my dad). I've gotten really good at getting the seat in correctly. I let my dad hang out with my son for a few minutes while I'm working on it. It give me time to make sure that they are happy together before letting them go.

S.,

I am a mother of 5, step-mom to 4 and I am a grandmother of 16 from all these kids and I will tell you that there is no way that the car seat stays in my car all the time! I have things going on and travel for work, so my vehicle is important to me! Even my kids don't keep them in their cars all the time, they may have a night out with friends and need the room, so to expect your mother-in-law to keep one in her car ALL the time is a bit overboard. Remember the saying "pick your battles", well properly installed is one thing, but to expect her to leave it in all the time is not!

Explain to her why it is important to be properly installed. I have always made sure that the car seat my grandkids ride in is installed correctly, it is not done by a professional, but it is done right! I had a girlfriend who lost a daughter and grandson in a car wreck, and know the importance of making sure the seat is done right. I agree with the advice that you received about asking her to make sure it is in right.

Hope this helps you, the relationship you have with your mother-in-law is important for you and your kids! I have been blessed with very open relationships with my kids and that has carried over to my son-in-law and daughters-in-law! And I love spending time with my grandkids and would not want to do anything to harm them, I bet your MIL feels the same!

L. P

I would still talk to her about it, you can find a tactful, nice approach. You could even go about it by telling her that they have car seat checks at the local police and fire departments that will make sure that the seat is installed properly, which is FREE!!! I do take my seats out occasionally to clean out under them, but I have a very nice arrangement at work, I work in a state government building, with the state police, and I have become friends with the officer that is certified to check and install car seats. I used to have him check my seats every time I removed them that we got to the point where he told me that I was practically a pro at it and do it better than some of the guys on the force that are certified to install car seats because my hands are small enough to reach into the spaces they need to get to, and I am on the larger side so I can get the weight into the seat to make sure that sucker isn't going anywhere. Anyway, what I am trying to say is, well, actually 2 things: 1. you shouldn't worry about your MIL feelings over your child(ren)'s safety and 2. just because she takes the seats out doesn't mean that she may not be putting them back correctly, at least give her the benefit of the doubt and let the certified professionals tell what she is doing wrong and what she can improve upon to do it properly if she does what to remove the seats. Sometimes hearing it from someone else other than a family memeber hurts less than hearing from a family member on some things. I hope this helps.

I always put mine in so tight it was hard to undo the seatbelt once it was buckled. I put my weight in the carseat and adjusted the seat belt a little tighter than it measured and put the safety clip on the seatbelt right next to the plastic part where it clips in. It was usually hard to buckle up but would put my knee in the carseat and with my weight and putting the buckle flush next to the seat and buckled it. Afterwards the seat should not move side to side or forward and should be very tight.

Lucky for me my mom just tells me to put the carseat in the van for her! But I'm sure your mother in law means well but safety is always first. Honestly your to nice to her when it comes to the carseat. I don't agree that a car seat has to stay installed all the time plus if it is it can still loosen up over time.

I would suggest like one of the other moms show her how to install it or just double check it before she puts the kids in it. Also sounds like to me you need to open up and communicate with her more. I'm not trying to be mean or assume things to much but kinda sounds like your afraid to talk to her.

I know exactly how you feel.My Husband is a carseat tech for South Metro Fire Dept.Have her go up there (and maybe you could even go with her) they will install it properly,and show her how.They will also insist that she doesn't take the seat out after they install it.They could answer questions that you or her have.I know alot about carseats and could probably tell you which one to get but as far as ease of use my Husband puts in SO many I would rather have you ask him which one is very easy to install.I personally say Britax but they are pricey as well!Get back to me if you are interested in talking with him and/or going to the Fire Station.

Can you take her to an event with a Certified car seat installation person and have them train her how to put it in correctly? You telling her doesn't seem to be doing anything but maybe having someone else reinforce your message might help. If you can find an installer that will work with you and take the time maybe your mother can demonstrate to them how she is doing it and get some tips how to do it correctly. If you play it off not as she is doing something incorrectly but that it is because you just want to make sure everything is in correctly than it might be better received.

Can you switch cars with her on those times when she is taking the kids? Short of this I am not sure that you are going to get her to stop removing car seats from her car. If she has your car, you know the carseats are tight.

I have a Britax and now a Graco Nautilus. I think I can get them in tight anytime if I take the time to hop up in the car seat myself and tighten as much as I can. Every car seat and every car fits differently though. I don't have latch so I don't know how that works. Of course at a certain kid poundage you're not supposed to use LATCH anyways.

You are correct in taking her up to have it installed. If you first have to pick a new seat goto NHTSA'a website. That is the National Highway Transportation Safety Administraion, they have a new ease of use rating scale that you can compare all the seats side by side. But take her with you to pick one out also, make sure she can use the seat correctly, some are harder than others to use buckles and clips. Also, you can ask the pediatrician, but most of them do not have time to keep up on current carseats. And, everyone can tell you how to put a seat in their car, but every car is different. They can be the same model with different seatbelt systems, so take the cars to the check that you will be using. And, they should never put the seat in for you and tell you not to touch it, they should install it, take it out and have YOU and GRANDMA install it. The point is to educate not just do it for you!! So, good luck!! And I would be happy to answer any other questions you may have also! I am an Instructor! Thanks! A.

S.,
Cher said it perfectly I can't really add to her suggestions but wanted to offer my experience to encourage you to talk to her as soon as possible.
About a year ago I was involved in an accident where the other driver pulled in front of my can on a highway. I t-boned her car doing about 55 to 60 mph. My daughter was in her car seat which had been properly installed. I had a pretty serious foot injury but she was not hurt at all except for some brusing from the straps of her car seat. I was in so much pain at the time that I don't remember a lot that was said that day but I do remeber that the paramedic said that she probably would have been seriously injured or killed had she not been in a properly secured car seat.
Please talk to your mil asap. Don't let your kids ride in a car seat that is not properly installed. It sounds like she will be receptive if you explain the reasons for your concern.

Just install it correctly yourself. You can be as pleasant about it as you want to be. For example, "Oh that's not right. Here let me fix that for you." Then do it. This is your kid we're talking about here so don't be afraid to do the right thing. No one plans to be in a car accident. That's why they are called accidents.

Your right an she is very definetly wrong. My suggestion is tell her to take her car with the car seat to a nearby firehouse, They are the experts on putting them in. Ours was put in by the firefighters an it has not been taken out of the care since then. My grandbaby life means to much to me to worry about his safety. The firehouse might work if you tell her they can show her how it should be installed.

Just do it, be direct and let you know that if the seat is not put in securely you don't feel comfortable letting her take your child out and about. Check the seat yourself, get in there and just do it. This is your child, not hers. My mother-in-law and I have a great relationship and i know that i can tell her anything and we can still be friends. Don't be afraid. Either this or tell her husband he has to handle it himself or else.

gee, that's a tough one. both my mom and mil are very good about not touching the carseat once it is installed in their cars so i have no worries about either of them taking the baby. all i can suggest is this, schedule a day at a dealership to have your carseat inspected and bring your mother in law with you. you can reinforce why the carseat cannot be taken out by asking the technicians why things have to be done a certain way while having your mother in law as a captive audience member. it's sneaky, but if it will drive the point home, so be it.
Or fix the carseat yourself, might be more work for you, but it's better to keep the peace.

To be plain and honest, it's your responsibility to stick up for your child, regardless of what your MIL might think. Fortunate for me, my MIL has never asked my to take my kids anywhere on her own, which is good because I do not trust her judgement, for one of the reasons you are asking about now. I have seen the carseat she used with her other grandkids, and when they hoped out of the car, the seat was loose (not even sure it was buckled in to be honest) and the straps were falling down from the shoulders. WHen I had seen this, I had asked her who put the seat in there and she said that she had. I asked her if she realized it wasn't in correctly, she said well noone ever told her how to use one becasue she never had to and her kids turned out fine.....yadda yadda yadda. My sister in law didn't have the guts to speak up, these were not even my kids I was fighting for, but if they were you better believe she would have been told to either expect the wishes to grant the saftey the kids deserve, or they do not go with her.....

So again, plain and simple......stick up for your child, forget your MIL feelings......IF something bad does happen, who will you blame?

Tell her YOU wil put it in, show your athority in you to control YOUR daughters life.....

You've got plenty of advice, but I wanted to second the suggestion that you take her car with her to get it checked. The tech will make it clear how important those fine details are, and she can ask any questions she has.

Other than that, you do need to refuse to let your kids in the car without at the very least checking it yourself. It can be tough when the MIL is involved, but you know you need to do it, that's why you posted this question! Good luck.

S.,
Have you looked at the boosters with a back. Not sure at
what age or poundage for these. My granddaughters are already in them. I think my youngetst one still less than
30 pounds as well. This is where the lap or shoulder strap can go over her (or him) and this is taken in and out of the
car easily. Just remember the relationship with your mother-in-law is important to maintain. It can be difficult at times. I am at both ends of that spectrum. So I try to handle things like I would want to be treated.
My best to you!!! Let me know how it goes if you want.
____@____.com

S. G -
I believe you have not had a lot of responses from my point of view because most of the readers of this site are mommies and not grannies like me. However, along with a couple of other reponses from grandmas, I have to give the other side of this issue. The issue for us is that we grandmas use our cars for other things and other people as well as our precious grandbabies and toddlers. My husband and I have 19 grandcildren. If we keep 2 infant/toddler seats installed at all times, that reduces our 7 passenger car to a 4 passenger car (if they aren't babies). While we love taking our little guys wheneven we can, we have the older grandkids on other occasions. I suspect, like us, most grandparents would like to have the full use of their car when they are not transporting the babies. The best current solution is to have the parents install the seats in grandmas car when needed OR for the grandparents to learn how to do it correctly. That's what we do. What really needs to happen is for the manufacturers of these children's seats to come up with a safe seat that can be easily installed......that shouldn't be so hard for some smart engineer to figure out.