Hi Moms!
My mother-in-law lives out of state and is anxious to come visit when our second baby is born (which is totally understandable). When our first baby was born, she booked her flight for the DAY of the due date (despite urgings from my husband that we might not be ready for her at that time)...luckily, the baby was born 10 days early so we had some time to adjust before her WEEK LONG visit. I had a hard time getting around right after the birth and struggled with the post partum hormones. So, for this time around, my husband tried gently to suggest that she visit when the baby is about a month old or so to give us time to adjust and acclimate...and she burst into tears begging not to have to wait that long.
I don't have anything against my mother-in-law, really. But, we are definitely going to be going through an adjustment period when we first bring the baby home...her visit will take up a bedroom that my husband and I could use for sleeping shifts (the baby will not have his own room)...while my mother-in-law would probably help do things if I ask her (could you keep an eye on the baby for a minute?, etc.), she is very sedintary and would be content to sit on the couch all week holding the newborn. What I would really need help with is the 17 month old but my mother-in-law is not really active and I'd be uncomfortable feeling like I'm barking orders. My pediatrician told me (of course AFTER her visit when my first child was born) that any extended visitors should be helping you care for the house and older children so that YOU can be bonding with the baby...how do I handle this?
I had my own mother here when my child was born, and I was stressed out.I love her, but she seemed very lost,for me, it was more person to take care of.
I'd rather be completely alone,even if ,yes sometimes you could need some help.
If you don't feel up to it I would stick to a month later.
Good luck
You have your husband man up and tell her (again) that she needs to wait to visit. He needs to be upfront and honest with her and let her know that your family won't be ready for visitors immediately after the baby is born and that she needs to respect that. (Use 'I' messages and 'We' messages to speak from *your* point of view as opposed to using language that places the onus on her)
"Mom, I know you're really excited to meet your new grandchild and we're definitely excited to have you be a big part of his/her life. However, we really need to hold off on accepting long-term visitors until we get adjusted to life with another baby. We're feeling a little anxious about the upcoming adjustments that will happen and just want some time to get back home and get into a good rhythm and routine with our new baby. We're happy to have you come visit, but not until we get settled."
Time for your husband to tell his Mom all the things the other women have mentioned. The worst part about her visit is that its causing undue stress for you at a time when you should be happy and excited. Don't allow your mother in law to rob you of that.
I remember my sister in law warning me not to let my mother visit when my first was born, She specifically said, all she offers to do is "hold the baby". They ended up with another person to cook for, someone to entertain all week, she just was not any help at all. Reminds me of your mother in law.
Maybe have your husband tell her that your worried those hormones may come back. She should understand that. Pictures, lots of pictures!
JG:
I feel for you this is a tough situation.
Personally, I feel that you are being TREMENDOUSLY KIND to allow her to visit at one month for a week given that she can't provide you with very much help and her visit will be more like having a guest. (Which we all know that no one needs with a new baby.)
Your husband should have a conversation with her and I really think that he needs to stand his ground. Realisically, 30 days is not that long to wait. Maybe you can send her weekly photos to help her pass the time.
All the best to you,
A.
I have the same situaion but with my mom. She is older than most moms of my friends and not very able bodied so she isn't much help with my 2 toddlers or cooking and cleaning. She's good with infants and loves to help with them but that isn't much help to me. I am due in a week with #3 and my folks are coming down for the weekend after my due date but they are staying with my sister, 40 minutes away. Then my mom is coming a month later for a week. That's still too early for me but I felt that it was as long as I could ask her to wait. You know what is best for you and you shouldn't feel bad asking her to wait. She can cry all she wants but that shouldn't manipulate you into doing something that isn't good for your family. Your request is not unreasonable. If she "throws a fit" about waiting, treat her like you would your child. Say, "I know you feel sad about not coming right away and it's hard to wait but that's what we need you to do. We look forward to having you on such and such a date." It's a boundaries issue. Can you imagine if she lived in state and wouldn't respect your boundaries? Just because she's out of state doesn't give her the right to call the shots.
Hi,
I think if your MIL is coming to just "hang out" it is too early! With a newborn and another child trying to figure things out and your husband and yourself adjusting a person staying all day is way to much. If your MIL is that upset maybe she could stay in a hotel or at a family or friends house and then come over for a hour or so (even if she did it twice in a day). Have your husband explain that it is just too much to have someone there 24/7.
Do not be pushed into what she wants!
Best Wishes!
Personally, I would take "M.R's post and read it, verbatim, if that is what you want. Hand your husband the script. If your mother-in-law was able-bodied and could jump in to help, by all means, you would welcome the help and company. My sister came for two days - scrubbed all my bathrooms, cleaned my kitchen and stayed up with the baby for 3 hours at night. That was a dream come true! It's a crazy, wonderful, adjustment season in your lives. A shorter visit of a couple days or waiting until the 2 - 3 month mark is more realistic. Is it a possible option for her to stay overnight with another of her relatives, near you, for the remainder of the time? Does she even drive? I ask this because, would you have to pick her up at the relatives home, daily? Sounds bad but the visit just sounds like a lot of extra work for you.
Congratulations.
I can totally understand where you are coming from. My brother just went through this(sort of). While it is a hard adjustment to have your second child I don't think it's fair to ask your mother in law to wait a month to see her grandchild. Is she driving or flying? Maybe you could suggest she just come for a brief visit when the baby is born and then come back for an extended visit once things are more settled and the baby is more interactive. Otherwise you(or your husband) just need to be up front with her about what you need from her if she insists on coming right away.
