Mother-in-law Making Life Complicated

Your husband needs to figure out who he is married to.
It's he who has to separate from his mommy whether his mommy likes it or not.
And only he can do this.

Don't let her watch the kids anymore.
They don't need her attitude or her husbands.
Speaking of her husband - why isn't HE taking her to Hawaii - and why isn't she asking HIM to take her?
Respecting elders is all good and well - but some elders are idiots who managed to live long enough to get elderly.
Age does not make them any less idiotic.

If I had the money I'd consider sending her to Hawaii.
One way ticket.
She can figure out how to get back on her own.

Sounds like the best solution is to not have your in-laws babysit in the future.

I'd start by not asking her to watch your kids anymore. Find someone else, even if you have to pay them. Dropping them off with Grandma is not worth the headache.

Why would your husband take his Mom to Hawaii? :)
Isn't that HER husband's job?

I agree that leaving your kids with Grandma is once source of tension. If they aren't around her then she can't fill their heads with her ugly point of view.

It really is a no win. If you let her see the kids, she bad mouths you to the kids. If you keep the kids away, she bad mouths you to friends and family and balls to your hubby about how unfair it is.

It is really more your husband's place to speak with his mom.

Thing is my mom was the toxic mom and I put my foot down where my ex thought I should let things go. What I mean is if my ex mother in law had been the problem I would have had to step up and defend my children's mental stability.

My mother was not allowed to see or speak to my kids for over a year because I would not tolerate her behavior, her words, her actions. She was messing with my kids minds and that I cannot ignore. She was still awful after that but she did keep it to herself around the kids.

Yeah and don't let her watch them, I can see no reason why you would do that to yourself and your children.

This isn't a mother-in-law issue. It's a husband issue. She wants to be an involved grandmother to her grandchildren and an involved mother to her son, both of which are noble desires but the problem is that she doesn't have boundaries. Guess who has to set those boundaries since she doesn't recognize them on her own? Your husband.

Of course you shouldn't bring her with you on a spousal vacation to Hawaii. That's like a second honeymoon. I take it that you were trying to reconnect with your husband and rekindle the romance. I'm sure that's why she's so jealous, especially since she had to "stay home with the kids" and you're the woman who took her son away from her. She hasn't gotten over that even after 16 years. Because your husband refuses to set boundaries.

With your children: She completely stepped over every line in the sand so far that if you looked behind her, you can't even see the line. There's no line any more. You can chalk that up with your kids to, "That's just Grandma being Grandma and that's how they did things back in the 1800's when she was a child." ::devilish grin::

Apart from the children, you change things. They are no longer to be in her presence alone. They're no longer to stay with her when you need someone to keep an eye on them. If they visit Grandma, then you're there too to run interference or do damage control. You also may want to consider limiting contact with her and her husband. If your husband wants to visit with her, great. He can go on his own. But if he's going to continue allowing his mother to disrespect you and undermine you, then he goes alone.

Are you legally separated? Or just separated? Because there's a difference.

let it go in one ear and out the other-it's just the way grandma is-it's not the way you are. Don't agonize over this-but let your husband know to please be mindful not to put you in the middle. I agree with the cell phone thing-sorry-I just spent 3 days with my daughter, taking care of two babies, which I was delighted to do-while DD was on some sort of phone thing incessantly-difficult, at best. Why would you have taken gran to Hawaii if your marriage is strained and you had the "opportunity" to reconnect with your husband while you mourned the death of a family member?? Were you to purchase 4 additional plane tickets? When people hear your MIL rant over this-they are thinking she's the jerk-not you-believe me!

Oh my goodness, C.. I couldn't deal with that - so sorry!

I agree with the posters who are recommending distance. I actually just saw a Dr Phil episode about toxic in law relationships yesterday. His advice was:

1. You deal with your people, your husband deals with his. It is HIS job to advocate for you and the kids to his mother. If he won't, some counseling for the two of you may be in order. Sounds like it's to that point.

2. You are the ones who set boundaries. You can't control others, only yourself, so if it's clear they are choosing not to honor your wishes, it is time to put distance there. If they value the relationship enough, they will have to decide whether or not to respect you and your family's boundaries. Your kids have to be prepared that this may or may not happen. = /

Good luck to you.

Your husband needs to deal with her. If it isn't working, then the kids don't spend time alone with her.

Is this a new issue after 16 years where all of a sudden she freaked out and is being a B? I would speak to my husband about it and tell her its one thing to be rude to you, but it isn't going to happen to your kids. Get a game plan in place. Do they live close by? If so, limit the time you spend with them. I would only invite them over for major holidays (or go there, whatever you normally do) and the kids bdays. NOTHING ELSE. And when they start to complain about not seeing you guys enough, you can say something like, well, I would love for us to see you more often, but your attitude toward us and things you have said to the kids and others have made us limit our time with you. And I would just leave it at that. Also, your kids are not stupid. They are old enough to know where the *real* problem lies. I would have a brief discussion with them after you and hubby get a game plan in place and tell them that because your grandparents have their own opinion of things and it isn't always positive toward your family, you both have decided to limit your time around them. I have had to do this with my own mom and it has gotten so much better with her. She now has a boyfriend and doesn't get into our business so much. I hope you find something that helps you. Good luck!

Tolerance and acceptance.

You have to tolerate them; they are hubby's parents and your kids grandparents.

Accept that they are who they are and that you don't like them. They are family; you can't change that, but who says you have to like everyone in the family?

Tell your kids to accept them for who and what they are and to let whatever they say roll off their backs. What does it really matter, in the whole scheme of life, what your mean and nasty MIL says? It's not going to change you, your kids, your hubby or your family life UNLESS YOU LET IT.

Once you learn to accept the things you cannot change, life becomes much easier and less stressful. This is a good life lesson for your kids!

Your children are teenagers, so why are you stressing. Teens need to learn how to handle difficult people even other adults and family as well. In a few short years they will be 18 and legally adults. Our job as parents is to prepare them. It may have been better for your teens for their grandmother to come to your home to watch them as opposed to sending them over there but we can't live our lives in reverse.

As I see it there isn't anything for you to do but talk with your children and let your husband deal with his mother. She isn't going to change so you have to try to figure out how to deal with her or to not deal with her at all.

Teach your children that different people have different standards for life and living and are entitled to their own opinion. Ask them what they think a real mom should be doing for their children. Ask them about how they feel and empower them with better coping mechanisms to deal or handle difficult people.

I see this as a great teaching moment which has less to do with your MIL and more to do with your children. As for MIL, love her anyway she sounds old school and the times are marching right past her which is fine. She must have some redeeming qualities because her son, your husband came from her and he must not be all bad either.

I would like to stand up and applaud B.
Perfect answer!

I think you are at the point you can tell her to butt the H**L out. She is being way to intrusive and rude. Separate yourself from her - your children are old enough they can keep up the relationship with her if they want.

If the kids are already doing their own breakfast - and even more so, are happy about it - why would you (or GRANDmother) need to step in and take their independence away - when they are TEENAGERS!!!!!

She sounds special - I am sorry. I really think if you've talked to her before and she's still nasty - just keep some distance.

Alright sister, time to put your big girl panties on.

No one else will respect you if YOU don't respect yourself first.

If you conceivably have the time to make breakfast in the morning for your kids, do it. If you don't, then skip it. If you kids want to eat what you cook and get up before school to be ready on time and sit down for breakfast, great. If they don't want what you are cooking or don't have time to eat it, let them fend for themselves, you're not a short order cook.

It is not your kids place to tell their grandmother what to say, that is rude. They can say to your MIL "Grandma, it sounds like you have an issue with our Mom, please take it up directly with her, we'd like to focus on enjoying our time with you." If she contines to bad mouth you to them find another place to send your kids when you go out of town.

You should say directly to your MIL that any issue she has with you should be dealt with directly between the two of you, in private. You kids should not be her sounding board.

As far as your hubby goes he should demand that the two of you address each other respectfully and side with the one who is sticking to that.

Your kids are old enough to "get" that people are different. They are also old enough to tell grandma to not talk bad about you to them.

They are also old enough to fix their own breakfast so that would be a no brainer to me. She is entitled to her own opinion but she should not be telling her grand kids their mom is no good.

I agree 110% with B.
I would explain to my kids how and why their grandma is wrong in YOUR opinion and give examples. If they are teenagers have trust that they have logic. Do not just say your grandma is wrong for talking behind my back. Explain to them, Why would grandma want to cause tension and drama amongest our family. What good does she, your or I get out of her telling you bad things about me? What did that solve?

Above all those are your kids, DO NOT be afraid to step on toes or hurt feeling if need be.

Good LUCK