Montana Mom Is Right

I think I need to cut and paste others answers.

You and your son need help. Moving and running away is NOT going to solve or fix this problem. It might help your son to get from these really bad people, but it's not going to change HIM.

The ONLY thing that is going to change him is your PARENTING him. You've not been a parent for a LONG time. The role model he's had, I'm sorry to say, is that of a woman who needed a "man" before she could even think of her son.

My son had huge problems when we moved to Georgia a few years ago. Yes, the police were involved. It was a hard wake up call as Tyler and I thought we were good as a family. He was very angry with our move, making new friends, being away from the beach, and all the other things that California had to offer him. He got with the wrong crowd and luckily, no one was hurt. We did NOT look the other way, we charged head on. He was given a clean record AFTER he stayed out of trouble for 2 years. He has now graduated from high school and is now at the Citadel attending University. Our whole family went to counseling, not just as a family but with Tyler and our son, me and our son and Tyler and I with our son. I can't tell you how much it improved our marriage and our family.

Your son needs clear orders from the judge. Please ensure that ANY facility he goes to has counseling programs and NOT just putting him in a situation with more unruly, ill-behaved children. He needs guidance. You have not been there for most of his life guiding him. You need to admit your faults.

MY son? He was angry because of the change in our lives and he didn't have a say. Tyler retired from the military and wanted to be near his family and where it was cheaper to live instead of Orange County California. Our son KNEW he was doing wrong but felt that if got our attention? We would cave and move back. Unfortunately, he got caught and we didn't stop the police. He was upset. He was hurt. Just as we were. getting that anger, disappointment and hurt out in a controlled area (therapy) helped us all.

If you have a ton of money? You just might if you can just pack up and leave in a weekend without any forethought to where you are going, how you will be doing it? Either that or you live in a fantasy world. You NEED to hear the strong words. You believed that kicking your boyfriend out would be like some fairy tale and your son would run back into your arms and kiss you and say OOH THANK YOU MAMA! That's NOT gonna happen. Your son has EVERY RIGHT to hate you right now. He probably feels like a dog would get treated better than he would by you. How sad is that?

have you EVER apologized to your son?
Have you EVER told him what you expect of him?
Have you EVER admitted wrong-doing to him?
You need to accept responsibility for this. This is YOUR doing. Yes, your son made decisions, just as my son made decisions. However, your son hasn't had a role model for 8 years. My son? Was acting out for a decision we made without consulting our kids. He KNEW we loved him. I don't think your son does. because in his eyes? You've ignored him for 8 years.

You need help. The person who "mentored" you? How well did this person do? You haven't been parenting for how long? You put yourself first. How is this person going to help you and your son?

Check into juvenile centers in your area. Call them. Ask them what they provide for your son. Tell them what is happening and that you want him to GET HELP but he also needs to know you are serious about HIM.

As another said? DO NOT DATE ANYONE. I would NOT put ANYONE new in your son's life for a long time. Yes, he's really close to being an adult. You need to fix this NOW. It will NOT be easy. It will NOT be done in a week or even 30 days. This will be the next 3 years and beyond. You have a lot of fixing to do.

When I wrote my response last night, I know I was hard on you. But I'm so glad you took what we said to heart and didn't just get upset because we were telling you the truth, which can be hard to hear. I'm proud of you for admitting that you've made mistakes.

Pressing charges and getting him into treatment will be the best thing you can do and possibly save his life. It will force the 2 of you into a vast resource of professionals who have the tools and knowledge to help you both. The reason you have made so many mistakes is because you lack the tools and knowledge to make the right choices for your son. Getting him into treatment will provide you both with people who have the skills to help you both down the right path.

Please press charges and please take advantage of the resources that will be available to you once he's in treatment. Also as another mom below said, apologize to him. Tell him you are sorry for the mistakes you made in the past, but from now on, you are here for him. His needs come first from now on. And then show him you mean it by proving to him with every action you do, every decision you make, that he comes first. Good luck! Press charges and get him into treatment.

Do it!

It will not worsen the situation long term. Doing nothing will worsen it - for him, for you, for everyone else he's going to rob.

This may save his life. If he continues to get involved in drugs, he'll be one more statistic in the opiate epidemic.

It may get worse in the short run. Be prepared for that. But don't plan on arguing with him. Let the system do its work. He has made this CHOICE. He wants to be an adult and make his own decisions? Well, this is the consequence of that decision that HE made.

Parenting is not a popularity contest. It's making the hard choices when no one else will, with the courage to know that it's the right thing to do. Stop letting your fear of his reaction rule your decision-making, and look down the road at where you want him to be, vs. where he will be if he makes his own poorly-thought-out choices.

Hi G. - I think if it were me, given all that I have read and knowing a few people who have gone through similar things - I would do the residential treatment. I am assuming this is near where you currently live. I don't think (and I don't mean offense) that you have the tools to know how to cope with your son, let alone help him. If he gets into a program, and you stick by his side like glue, then I think he will get the best help available. These people will know how to treat him, and you just keep showing up and being there for him - whether he 'hates' you or not. Remember - teen anger is often hurt disguised as upset. He may genuinely be angry - maybe he has to a right to be - but mostly, I'm guessing it's years of hurt. This poor boy had a hard time of it. I am guessing circumstances lead you to not know better - that's ok, now you are learning and take that wisdom and don't make the same mistakes.

Have you said you were sorry? Have you told him that you screwed up and you know you put your well being before his? I know you would not knowingly have done this (your ex boyfriend) but now, looking back, you realize you did make a mistake. Tell him you are sorry and although you can't make up for it now - you will do your best to show him that you love him. That he deserved better when he was a kid, and he does now. Tell him you don't know how else to help him - that you're human, you screwed up, and you hope some day he can forgive you.

As for the pressing charges - ask the counsellor. Ask someone there who knows him and the situation. I am torn on that one. I don't know - I don't know how you can possibly know. I think you need to talk to someone. Also - just breathe - you're all over the place. Put the Texas thing on hold and focus on getting your son treatment. I think this is the right decision.

Best to you guys - keep us posted.

This is one reason why I think ongoing counseling would be good for you (and your family).
You've come out of a long term relationship - don't know if it was abusive or not - but it's left you stunned and not knowing what to do next.
You just want someone - anyone - to tell you what to do.
And this leaves you very vulnerable - and it's a reason why some women make the same mistake with the same types of men over and over again.
History tends to repeat itself and it's a hard cycle to break away from.
So please talk to a women s shelter and get that counseling going if you haven't already and keep it going if you have.