Moms to Girls, When Did You Have "The Talk"?

C.-The sooner the better, my kids are 18, 13 and 11. The younger two are girls. We have always from the time they were babies had an open honest discussions with them about sex, bodies changing and everything. My oldest daughter started her cycles the day after her 12th birthday. We had no problems. She call me at work and said mom, I finally started where do you keep the pads. Talk to her now. And good luck

if she likes animals teach her about animal cycles first, and then move on to humans...Humans do that too! That is what my mom did and for some reason, knowing that animals do it too made the whole concept ok in my mind. But I was an animal lover as a child too...
No ideas about books, not there yet!

Growing up; It's a Girl Thing - awesome awesome book - my daughter and I sat and read it together - several times - and I have always had the discussion with my girls - or at least - I have always used the right words for private parts explained to them as much as they ask - when we read the book the first time though, I think she was about 9...she is 11 now - still no period, but definitely developing and glad I continute to have an ongoing discussion with her. The book coveres everything - bras, periods, pad, tampins, deoderant, shaving, etc. and it is with humor and basic illustrations and diagrams - I was very pleased with it and it seemed my daughter is comfortable with it.

Dear C.,

Your feeling of sooner rather than later is the approach I took with my three who are now grown. We didn't have "the talk" so much as an open, ongoing dialog, and it actually started before age 8. We started with the differences between boys and girls, moved onto a basic how babies are made (which easily segwayed into monthly cycles), and as they got older, much more intimate questions. Because I was always honest with them and answered all questions very simply, they came to me with everything. (sometimes more than I wanted to know LOL) I used a biology book for the pitures, but the library has several good books for children. (The pictures of live birth were great incintives for birth control in their later teens! Turns out they didn't need it until after high school because they waited until they were ready!)

My daughter just turned 9, and I had "the talk" with her last year when she was 8. I was originally going to wait until she was 10, but the teenager who occasionally babysat her got pregnant so that opened up a whole can of worms. My daughter started asking questions like "Why did God put a baby in *****'s tummy when she's not married?" I decided to seize the opportunity and use it to reinforce our values, reminding her about how all choices have consequences. It also made the perfect opportunity to start explaining about the changes her own body would go through as she grows up.

To help things along, I bought the book "The Care & Keeping of You - The Body Book for Girls" by Valorie Lee Schaefer. It's published by American Girl and available both online and at most major book stores (I found it at Barnes & Noble). I also picked up the companion book called "The Feelings Book - The Care & Keeping of Your Emotions" for her. We read through them together and discussed the topics as we went along. At first she was a little embarrassed by some of the topics, but now she regularly goes back to the body book and re-reads it fairly regularly. Same thing with the feelings book.

Good luck!

I started my period when i was 9, my daughter is 5 and she pretty much knows about it already bc i have an "open door" policy in the bathroom since my husband sleeps during the day and works at night and i stay at home, it was always easier to let her come in while i used the bathroom. i remember my mom sat all 4 of us kids down. we were all younger. the eldest was probably 10 and the youngest probably somewhere around 3 or 4, and told us all at the same time about "the talk" and about periods, etc. i know some people probably think that it's weird to do it so young, but i always felt like better to hear it from her at that age then go to school (even preschool kids talk about it now) and hear about it from them. i would talk to her now. if you have one she has to pretty much know about it already anyway.

Hi C.,

There is also what's called "The Sex Ed Handbook, A Comprehensive Guide for Parents," by Dr. Laura Berman available to download for free from Oprah's Web site (oprah.com). It includes ideas on how to talk to kids from birth through high school. It also includes visual anatomy diagrams.

I didn't get the talk either. When I asked about babies around age 7/8 I was given a book for myself to read. It was horrible and didn't explain parts/anatomy.

When I started my period at 12, my mom handed me a box of pads. I didn't know how often to change them and I had heavy periods, so I would have accidents all of the time in sixth grade. Very embarrasing!

Please have the talk with her soon :)

My mom had explained her period to me when I was pretty young, probably around 8. She didn't have the sex talk though. I wish she hadn't waited until I was 12 years old to have the sex talk because when she finally did talk to me about sex, I realized that I'd been sexually abused for several years. She had told me to tell her when someone touched me in a bad way but never clarified what that meant. So I would tell her if my sister hit me, or if someone pulled my hair. I didn't really make the connection between what was happening to me and "bad touch". I encourage every mother to discuss sex with their young children. At the very least to protect them from people who will prey on their innocence. As for the period talk, I just saw my mother changing pads one day and asked her what she was doing and she explained it to me. She just told me the scientific explanation of the egg, it doesn't get fertilized, it gets washed away, the blood cleans you out, then you wait for a new egg. Of course we never went into how the egg would get fertilized.

Usually between 10 and 12. It really depends on your daughter's development. If she is small for her age and will probably be a late bloomer, you can wait quite awhile. However, if she is bigger for her age, you don't want to wait until it's too late. If you see a need for her to start wearing an undershirt or a training bra under t-shirts, get to talking. I know in public schools, they used to do this in health class in fifth grade. Your daughter will most likely start having periods close to the same age as you did and you don't want her to start without telling her what to expect. Good Luck.

My mom was 9 when she first got her period so she had the talk with my sister and I early on "just in case". I've always loved that not only was I well informed, but I knew I could talk with my mom about anything. I had the talk with my daughter (who is 10) several years ago to explain just a bit about the bleeding, then again a year or so later.. and we continue to talk more and more about the whole reproductive system and sex as she gets older and more mature (and around more new people because you never know what they will tell her and I want her armed with facts!!) I didn't go the book route because I feel like some have more information than your daughter may be ready for at any given moment. You can just start with explaining that babies actually grow in a uterus, not our stomach. And just explain that our uterus as women is always getting ready, just in case a baby wants to grow in there (and you can say whatever you want about that-- I used to say that God put it there when a mommy and daddy were ready for a baby-- now she knows the whole kit and caboodle!!)... so once a month when there in no baby, the uterus cleans itself up and starts over. Unfortunatley, the exit door for the uterus is through our ___ and it's basically blood.... Anyway, my point is that you can start with something like that, then as she gets ready for more (and you are ready to tell her more!) you can refer back to what you talked about last time and expand on it.

There's a series of Christian books that starts at age 4 (I believe) that I used with my oldest and will use with my youngest soon - it was a great series - I'll find the name at home and send it. I did find this series online and it looks similar to the ones I have and may be the revised versions:
God's Design for Sex Series, Book 1: The Story of Me, Revised
Available
God's Design for Sex Series, Book 2: Before I Was Born, Revised
Not available
God's Design for Sex Series, Book 3: What's the Big Deal? Why God Cares About Sex, Revised
Available
God's Design for Sex Series, Book 4: Facing the Facts: The Truth About Sex and You, Revised

In these days, we have to start early to keep them safe - good luck.

Hi. Girls are developing at younger and younger ages, at least in part because of hormones put into meat. Even if your daughter develops later, I am sure some of her friends/classmates will be developing soon. If you stay calm and matter of fact about it, you will be less likely to freak her out. There is a GREAT, non-religious, gender balanced book about body development called It's So Amazing. The follow up book, called It's Perfectly Normal, deals more with sex and its related issues (std's, masturbation, etc), and is designed for a slightly older crowd. Both are available on Amazon.com. You can read reviews of these, and other, books at Amazon, which may help you narrow down what you purchase. I would strongly suggest that whatever written material you provide you read first. That way you can anticipate her response, be prepared for questions, and censor anything you don't agree with or feel she's not ready for. I would also talk with her teacher or school office to see if they do any kind of lesson on development or sexual reproduction, when they do it, what is covered and in how much detail, etc. Children may see their teacher or principal as an authority figure not to be questioned; so you may need to supplement or at least be available if she has questions. I have a son who is 12 now, and about 6 months ago he came to me and said he was having a problem with his genitals (he is not close to his father and would never even consider going to him with a problem like this). He briefly described the problem, which I had never heard of and knew was not in the materials I had provided to him. He said it would be weird to show me; I offered to take him to his pediatrician (who he has seen for the last 8 years, but is a woman). I asked if he wanted to see a male dr instead, and he said that would be weird. I told him he would probably have to show the dr, and he said that was ok but asked that I step out of the exam room during that. That's what we did; she said it was nothing to worry about and gave him a cream (which I really don't think he was diligent about using). Last week he told me in a casual conversation that the problem had gone away. All of that to say that, as close as we are to our kids, there may be times when they are more comfortable with someone else. For me, it was very important to not take it personal, and to just acknowledge that my "baby" is growing up. Best of luck!

Mom of 4 girls here and well I did the talk last year to my two oldest whitch are 11 &9 . Better to do it soon then to late .

My daughter is now twelve and she had known for several years. You start with a little at a time. Just short conversations and build your way up. They don't want to hear it all at once and will ask questions. But don't over load, just answer their question and ask if they want to know more. They will let you know what they can handle. I would bring it up once a week and then once a month. The more you talk the more you can reassure them without them freaking out. But yes, start now. A lot of girls are starting their menstruation around 12, so the more they know now, the less they freak out later.

Good Luck

I've always kinda talked about it since my daughters always went to the bathroom with me including that time of the month and would ask i age explained it. starting with mommy bleed 1x a month and when you grow up you will too. the first ever question was the pad at which point i told em it was a special mommy diaper... lol my now 5 yr old was 3 then and i went into the bathroom to find her putting one on backwards. kinda funny. anyway my oldest daughter started her period 1 week before her 11 b-day and since she was raised with knowledge she wasn't freaked she called me in and asked if that was what it was. i'd start talking to her now because i started when i was 9 and thought i had hurt myself and freaked. my mom didn't tell me what was happening until she went to the store and got some pads then told me the facts of life. i still talk to my daughters in the age appropriate way as far as sex ed goes. an 11 yr old is not going to understand fully what sex is. i gave her the basics about her and his bodies and babies but not in great detail.... lol she of course said ewwwww.

My Pediatrician actually recommended (at the time) to start talking to her earlier than 8. My daughter, who is now 15, I started to talk to at 6. When she started to ask me questions about what a tampon is (from commercials on TV) and all sorts of curious questions. I never really "sat" her down to talk but rather had an ongoing conversation about topics on growth, development and sexuality. Our conversations have changed over time to meet the appropriate stages, but she seems to be relatively well footed and knowledgable in that area. When it came to sex talks I actualy approached it a little different by showing her that sex is not only a beautiful thing with the right partner, but that there are consequences to choices and that life is all about choices. We references the American Girl series ALOT which I found resourceful and very helpful.

I hope this helps!

Hi C.,

My daughter is 9 and I have not had the talk with her yet. However, I have 2 close friends with older girls. When the time came with them, they swore by a book from American Girl called "The Care and Keeping of You". One of the girls spent a lot of time at my house (I was babysitting her and her younger sister) and I bought the book for her. It was very much age appropriate and very imformative.

Good luck, I know I'll be having that talk with my own very soon!

M.

I'll probably do it next year at age 9. My cousin's daughter got her period at age 12 (this summer) and she just turned 13 this month. Another friend gave her daughter an American Girl book that explains the basics and she can go to her mom with questions. I wish school would teach the basics like they did when I was little. It made things easier to ask my mom since we both needed a push back then.

Hi C. - This was always a scary time for me but it resolved itself naturally in the end. My daughters are now 11 and 12.5 and fairly sheltered from the ugly stuff in the world. They were about 8 and 9 when my youngest came to me with questions about hairs growing on her body (legs). So I told her the basics of puberty. Then my boss loaned me a book that she had used with her 2 girls (now 22 & 20). It was funny and I felt OK with how it approached the whole thing. The 3 of us sat down and I told them that this book would help them to know what to expect in the future and I let them look through it (carton pictures) and then let them ask me questions. This book is called "Where Did I come From" and the other one I have is "What Is Happening To My Body?". I found them in B-A-M, they were inexpensive large paperback books. Sorry I cannot remember the author but I know you can look it up on the computer at B.A.M by title.

All little girls are ready at a different age but I say 8 is the start of it so get ready. Also it is important to use the correct names for body parts. If you use nick-names and something ever happens to our daughters (God forbid) using the correct names helps in investigations.

Good Luck
M. F

My oldest daughter is 9 1/2 and my youngest daughter is 7. BOTH of my girls know that they will develop breasts and they already know about menstruation. In today's world if you want your daughter to hear it from you, then you need to do the "talk" when she is young. I started explaining how a girl's body will change when they were 5-ish. You will only freak her out if you yourself are freaked out. Our body and how it works is a marvelous miracle. Embrace it and start telling your daughter how it works without shame and embarrassment. I didn't use any "books."

C.,
I got the American Girl books and they are great. Borders has them. You can go over different sections as you feel are needed. I read the book with my daughter (then about 9) over a week so she could take it in a little at a time. Then gave her the book to read/lookover herself. She still (now 15) refers to it sometimes. It has been the topic of many conversations for us. Good luck and don't feel funny talking about this it is a wonderful chance for you to bond with your daughter. Btw-I also did something else to mark this special occassion. When I got my first period my Mom and I went out for a "Womens's Night Out" and she gave me a special necklace and earring set to mark my being a women. I did the same with my daughter and she said she looks forward to doing the same with her daughter one day!

Good Luck!
E.

Hi, C.,
As the mother of older girls, that are now young women, I think that age 8 is a good time to begin this conversation. I began the conversation with a gift of a great book available through Amazon and American Girl "Girl Talk". It is a great conversation starter regarding all of the changes that will be occuring in your daughter.
It helps to prevent any false or misinformation that your daugther may hear later in life.
I also made it a very speical event, we went out for "grown up" tea and then we discussed it in more detail at home. We took a trip to the pharmacy to discuss the many different feminine hygiene products and also proper personal hygiene. Remember, this is all greek to your daughter.
And, then, finally, when the passage of womanhood took plaece, our daughter were taken out for a very speical dinner with their father to a very nice restaurant (my husband who is at-shirt kind of guy, even wore a suit and tie!)
I wish you luck, and remember that it is very important to be open and honest with your daughter. Encourage her to ask questions.

My daughter is 5, so we haven't talked about it yet. But my 9 year old son knows all about it. When he was 7 he asked me about babies and what was different about girls and boys. I didn't use any books. I looked on Wikipedia for an article about anatomy. Then we sat down and I pointed out all the organs on each person and explained as matter of factly as possible what they did without getting graphic. Then I explained how if a woman's egg doesn't turn into a baby, the lining sheds etc. And I told him, again, matter of factly, that that was what the tampons and pads were for in my bathroom. He got it, and it was no big deal. I would assume you could do something similar with your daughter, I will with mine. Just keep it on the biological aspects of the process. What my daughter does already know is that as she gets older, she will get hair and boobs. She knows all about bras and that I have to shave. I expect that all the other stuff, including periods, is not too far behind. I will admit, I felt embarrassed the whole time, but I stayed calm and my son seemed more interested in anatomy then embarrassed. He was fascinated by the baby growth chart I found.

My daughter is four and knows about it as a matter-of-fact part of life. Probably the younger the better.

You need to do it right away. Some girls start at eight or nine years old. I really never had to go through that with my girls because they were allowed in the bathroom with me from the time they were little. If you handle it right it won't freak her out. You can show her your pads or tampax that you use when you explain it to her. My Mom never told me about it. I learned from my friends. Also my Dad told me because he knew Mom never would. It's better to tell her now than to have her start and think something is wrong.