Moms of Boys?? - Sterling Heights,MI

He's not "a sit down and do crafts" kid, okay...but is he a "sit quietly in class" kid?

The possible problem with extremely rambunctious behavior in the 9/10 age years is just that you need to prepare for the middle school years of age 11/12 and then the much more intense world of high school that begins at age 13/14.

If he can handle a "balance", be active at the right times, then it is fine!!

I'd like to encourage you to rethink the words "discipline" and "bad".

First, discipline means to teach. Punishment is handing out consequences. For example, we discipline our toddler when we tell her "when we're in the parking lot, heading to the playground, you will hold Mommy's hand. That's to keep you safe.". Then punishment is doled out when the toddler shrieks, lets go of your hand, and tries to run in the parking lot to get to the swings. The punishment is: you get right back in the car and go home. No playground today. We'll try again tomorrow.

So in fact, you can be disciplining your son about behavior. You can help him understand that he is a ball of energy, and active, and that's a great thing. You can acknowledge (without going overboard) that you appreciate his cooperative behavior during guitar lesson time, and how that behavior makes the teacher's life easier and that it shows that he understands how to sit still, and can, in fact, sit still.

You can teach him to be a little more aware of how loud he is; perhaps a subtle hand signal that you practice with him during a calm moment to signal "hey, your voice is kind of getting too loud" would be helpful.

Next, "bad" is not necessarily loud and rough and tumble, unless we're talking about being in line at the grocery store and the kids get rough and the old lady in front of you is knocked to her feet because your kids were out of control. A 9 year old healthy boy can have a ton of energy. You just have to teach him to be considerate of others, and to not just run without looking. You have to teach him that some kids don't want to wrestle, and some kids cannot wrestle, and how to know the difference. And there are times to wrestle and run and tumble, and times not to. "Being bad" means knowing the difference and refusing to acknowledge that now is not the time to wrestle but to listen, and that the kid who was sitting and reading a book quietly did not deserve to be jumped on like he was on the football field. If you help him appreciate the times when you loved his energy ("great footwork in soccer today!"), and times when you appreciate his appropriate behavior ("I liked how you paid attention immediately when Mr. Cub Scout Leader asked for everyone's quiet mouths and quiet feet. Good job!"), you'll help discipline him to be an energetic, all-boy, but polite and appropriate kid.

Can you give him some physically active chores, like raking leaves or shoveling snow? Could he do it for a neighbor, maybe a young mom with babies or an elderly person? Is there another chore that requires time and energy that you could assign to him?

It's one thing to be a wild one...I have one too!! It's another to not be able to sit still and pay attention.
As long as your child knows when to be respectful and when to play then you are doing great!

Why do you think he's doing bad things? Do you see him doing things you want him not to do? Has another adult told you he's doing bad things? Is anyone complaining? What does he do that other adults consider as bad?

Your description of him sounds like you said, a normal little boy. You sound like you consider wearing clothes with holes and dirt, mud as not acceptable behaviour as it was in the past. Some boys are like your son. Others not so much. I would be proud of a boy who can be himself and do the activities he wants. Unless he's hurting others. Your description of how he is involved and behaves in other activities seems to me that he can be rough and tumble and be appropriately quiet.

Perhaps he irritates other kids because he is too pushy in play? Perhaps he has difficulty matching his level of energy to the energy of playmates? Perhaps he doesn't have playmates because he has different interests than the kids he or you want for him?

Your question does not give us enough information to offer you advice.

Definitely! But it's still very important to teach them the proper way to behave in different circumstances.

Even though they don't want to, they need to know that there are times they need to be quiet or calm or sit still. Discipline is not the same as punishment. Discipline means helping your child to use proper behavior and self control - to be disciplined in the way they behave. Punishment is a bad consequence. My boys do not always behave, but I continue to remind them of what the expectations are and how to behave properly. I let them know that I do realize it isn't always easy, but they still have to listen while someone else is talking or work quietly on an activity or whatever the expectation is.

I know exactly what you mean and it does seem like today's society wants to "punish" our boys for being boys, and so do the schools. I often think about the "50 years ago, this wouldn't be such a big deal" thing, too.

However, there is a difference between raising boys and raising animals :) I knew a lady who was always using the "boys will be boys" excuse for her two boys' behavior - even when they burned down their shed . . . and then their neighbor's shed . . . and then set off the school fire alarm twice in the same day . . . and then threw rocks at passing cars . . .

I think we mostly know in our heart the difference between boys being boys and "naughty" (and also maybe needing help because they can't "behave"). If you really believe in your heart, he is mostly just a boy, then vey likely he is. Generally I ask myself - will this matter in 10 years? Dirty floors, wrestling with the dog, climbing trees, being rambunctious, pulling his sister's pigtails. None of that will really matter in 10 years. Leaving his seat at school constantly, not having good social skills or falling behind peers regarding handling social situations, unable/unwilling to "hear" you when it is important or real safety is at stake - obviously those types of things would be red flags that you might want to check into (and even then, most boys do this "occasionally" and even girls, too!).

Good luck and hopefully you can find some rough and tumble boys he can hang around with!

You say you hate to discipline him for being bad. What bad things does he do? Being loud and running around is not bad. Being inconsiderate of others, pushing, hitting, grabbing and yanking things away from a friend, injuring someone or destroying property ARE things you should discipline him for. It is your job to teach him how to be polite, considerate, kind, and respectful. He can be FULL of tons of energy yet still be good.

I have 2 boys. We've never been able to give pants away (or even pass them from older child to younger) as hand-me-downs because every single pair has holes in the knees.

That said, having a Y chromosome is not an excuse for bad behavior. I expect my boys to know that different situations require different behavior. At the playground, running wild is fine. In a restaurant, you sit nicely in your seat and use an inside voice.

And if "rough and tumble" means that he has trouble socially or if he's ever hurt another child, then you need to seriously reconsider what you see as normal behavior.

It is completely possible to allow kids to have fun and still have behavior standards.

My son is all boy. He would play outside for hours guarding the yard from aliens and whatnot. He loves the outside and dirt, mud, leaves, dirt... I'm house was a wreck with him. Tracking in muck from the yard. But I wouldn't have changed a thing! He continues to bring joy and entertainment to us. He is 24 now and still mucks up my floor when he is home. He loves paintball.

I don't understand when you say "bad". Active, energetic and all boy is not bad behavior. If he is getting into trouble, talking when he shouldn't, not staying on point during school, that type of stuff would warrant discipline but being all boy does not warrant discipline.

I am hesitant to just say "boys will be boys" because I think it's often used as an excuse for allowing behavior that no one else is comfortable with besides the parent. As a preschool teacher and a parent, both, I have seen some parents excuse dangerous and inconsiderate behavior with that line. A friend and I might joke that our boys are "all boy" when they are climbing up trees or scrambling up large boulders or building 'booby traps' together, directing each other and engaged in the work of play. We would not whip this phase out if they were hurting each other, throwing rocks in a dangerous way or other undesired behaviors. We celebrate their youth, their energy-- but I also celebrated that in the girls I have cared for over the years. Being assertive isn't necessarily a male trait. Both boys and girls need to learn how to temper their assertiveness with consideration if they are to be well-received in life. Likewise, compassion, quietness/stillness, attention to detail are not the registered trademarks of girls only-- my son can dig holes in the yard, bash icicles from the eaves, and then ask to sew because wow, he's got an idea... Yesterday he made a pillow, created an applique he liked, sewed it on himself...

He is ALL boy, respectful and loud and quiet and frenzied and studied all in one. Don't narrow your perspective to excuse any troubling behaviors, don't turn a blind eye to them, and be sure to offer all sorts of experiences as he is able to modify his behavior to be appropriate for those settings.

Even the famous Tom Sawyer knew how to sit at the table and eat with manners and how to behave in church. He didn't like it and would have rather been skinny dippin' in the creek or climbing a tree or building a raft.

It is okay for him to be very rough and tumble in his natural state but still know manners. So don't think of it as punishing him for "normal" behavior if it isn't normal for the situation. I would train him as etiquette teaches for the situation.

My son is the least active non-sport interested could play video games and reprogram my computer all day long and still never had one pair of pants for his cousin as hand me downs (except dress slacks) they all had holey knees.

Good luck with your little spitfire!! I am sure he will grow up to be something amazing like a fighter pilot or archeologist exploring the amazon....the world needs adventurous people.

you don't say what specifically he's doing 'bad.'
my older boy was a huck finn outdoors catching frogs kind of kid. my younger preferred more sedentary activities but would still leap into rough and tumble play if he had friends to do it with.
sometimes they were too loud.
sometimes they were too rough.
yes, i think they were normal.
but i have no clue what you're asking, really.
khairete
S.

I have two sons. :-)

There are many behaviors that are common and normal in children.

The thing to remember is this:
You are not supposed to be raising a boy. You are supposed to be raising a man.

Your son must be taught when to be loud vs quiet, when to run vs walk, when to be silly vs serious, when to goof off with friends vs when to show his best manners...the list goes on. Without that guidance, a mother could end up with an adult-sized boy on her hands, without the skills or maturity to launch into the world independently.

You didn't give a specific example of what you might "hate to discipline" him for doing, so all I can suggest is that if people in your life are bringing your son's behavior to your attention, you need to consider what they are seeing. If no one has done this, then things are fine.

My firstborn is only 2 and a half. And he's super super rough and happy go lucky. Always playing in the dirt....doing extreme jumps off of furniture and crazy moves. But he does sit and pay attention to things that he actually loves. I too feel bad for disciplining him sometimes and after I just think, ah he's just being a boy. It is really normal but society wants our kids to be silent and still....my son is not even 3 but very intelligent and already obviously anti establishment. And I don't think that hurts bad at all. I think your son is probably very intelligent as well. I love my boy.