Moms, Do You Have Any Answers!

It also could be because she already has one child with autism that she is afraid of missing something or delaying treatment. Was her first child's autism caught a little late? Maybe she thinks she lost time with that child getting treatment and doesn't want to do the same thing again.

Also, I wasn't aware that there was a newborn test for autism, is that new?

Good luck,
K.

You should monitor this situation closely because she may have Munchausen by Proxy syndrome, where she makes her own child sick in order to seek attention. It's probably nothing that serious, but this does happen. She's probably more of a run-of-the-mill hypochondriac.

Your son, as the father, can do something, but this is not your battle to fight.

First of all, there is NO test at birth for autism, and no single "test" is going to provide that diagnois, not at birth, and not at anytime after birth. So I don't know what she had done, or what your understanding of what this child has is, but that is just a total misunderstanding of autism on every level. Autism is diagnosed based on a very lenghty multifactored evaluation by a Developmental Pediatrican, who calls in ENT's Speech Therapists, Occupational Therapists, Geneticists, Physical Therapists, Neurolgists, Phychologists, Optiomologists, and Neuropsychologists (and any other profession they need) to make a comprehensive diagnosis and a full treatment plan. One thing your son can do is to take his children to see a Developmental Pediatrician for full evaluations himself, such that they are, or are not, diagnosed properly with any developmental issue. If that has not been done, neither child is properly diagnosed, nor have they had any thing ruled out.

I don't mean to offend in anyway, but as a grandma, MIL, or what ever your relationship is with the Mom, you are already on that automatic shakey ground of assumed "this girl is not good enough for my son" syndrome, so she may tune you out, no matter how right you may or may not be. You should really be leaving this to your son, this is his fight.

Some people do have mental illnesses that cause them to see illness in their children, but this is rare. If your son beleives this to be the case, and he is married to this woman, then it is his responsiblity as her husband to help her get the proper treatment for her illness and to get well. If he is not this woman's husband, then he has a responisbility to use the legal system to get custody of his children and insist that his children's mother seek treatment for her illness so that his children are protected.

Finally, as a mother with children who have autism, you may be way off base. Find out about autistic spectrum disorders. ASD ranges from mild to severe, and from experience, the vast majority of the population has no idea what they do not know about autism and what it really looks like. My children walk and talk and look like most other children, but they have autsim. I can tell you this, some children do get the proper diagnosis, and some parents do work very hard with their kids so that they don't look obviously disabled, and our reward for all that hard work making our kids seem indistinguishable from typical children at first glance, is that when they have a melt down or an out burst, the assumption of most underinformed people is that we have never bothered to dicipline our typical kid. That is not the case at all, when the exact opposite is happening, and what you are seeing is a child whose parent has done tons and tons of work with them, and the child just had a slip into autistic, and expected, behaviors for them. There is nothing any one of us can really do about it, but it happens over and over, and you may be seeing that very thing, and really owe your grandchildren's mother a world of thanks for making your grand child appear "normal" most of the time, instead of scorn that she sees what is not typical in an attempt to get them help.

I don't know which of these scenerios applies to you, but I have seen them all, and as a woman who does not spend much time with my own family because they don't get it, I can say that it happens more often than you think.

I hope that this is helpful to you and you can look at all the sides so that your son does the best thing possible for your grandchildren, what ever that is.

M.

Since she already has a child with a disorder, it's not surprising that anything unusual she sees is a cause for concern, she may be suffering from anxiety (or Munchausen). Your son can certainly speak with his child's doctor - you cannot, you are not a parent of the child. However, if the issue is that the mother is suffering from anxiety, it's her doctor who needs to be involved, and again, you cannot contact her doctor. It may be wise for your son, the father of the child, to go along on the pediatrician visits and discuss the concerns.

It sounds like you dont like your grandsons mom, period; and you are trying to figure out a way to discredit her. Grandmas are here to be "grandmas" and to provide a loving, caring, spoiling environment for the grandkids. You need to myob and let your son and Misty deal with their son on their own. If she already has a child with autism she is naturally going to be more observant of this childs behaviors---that is totally normal! The pediatrician deals with over paranoid mothers all of the time, trust me, they know the signs and know how to deal with it accordingly. Just love your grandson and leave the parenting to his parents otherwise you will find yourself completely ostracized from visits and I'm sure you don't want that.

She could be a hypochondriac herself as well...or have OCD or something else along those lines. I've seen this with several different families. It could also be that she doesn't want her child to be sick and is taking every precaution to diagnose things early before everything gets out of hand. I will be praying for you all.

My guess is that because she already has a child with Autism that she is just very concerned that it not happen again. It could also be an attention getting mechanism for her, I am assuming, from your letter that she and your husband are not living together. Is this a way she is using to keep the tie between the two of them, as they discuss health issues and go to the doctor?
If I were you, I would back out of it, and not get too involved. It hurts no one for her to THINK that something is wrong with her son...as long as she is caring for him properly and being good to him, that should be your primary concern.
I know it may be a difficult situation, being the grandmother to a little one who is not able to be involved in your life as much as you would like, but you need to find a way to be a peace with this situation.

Munchausen Symdrome immediately came to mind when I read this...but perhaps she is simply an über vigilant and paranoid (and scared) mom.
I'm unaware of any test done at birth (or any point in a lifetime) that can give you a positive or negative result for autism.
I do think your son is definitely fine to talk to his son's pediatrician and express his concerns about his wife's frequent and persistent self diagnosing.
I don't think there's anything you can do.
Are they married? Are you close? Does your relationship warrant a close heart-to-heart?

I'm not familiar with any test when a child is born that can predict autism. From what I understand, it is only diagnosed around age 18 months onward. If I had a first child with autism, I sure would be super paranoid that my second one might have it. There are so many disorders and diseases that just weren't that prevalent when we were children and the media hypes them. So I understand why as a parent you can become obsessive about your child having them. And if you miss one diagnosis, you will beat yourself up about not missing another. I think you need to give reassurance that the child is doing well and that she is doing a good job as a mom. I don't think you have a role in going to the doctors to talk unless she is physically abusing him. (BTW- 2 of my nephews walked on their tippytoes for years and they are both fine).

There could be an issue with her, or it may be because she already has an autistic shild, and there is so much scary info out there that it is hard sometimes to NOT think your child has everything and anything. Media coverage alone can make someone crazy!! "Don't feed your kids this, don't get them vaccines, no get them every vaccine out there, don't let them watch t.v. lol it goes on and on. She may be doing it for attention, may really have a problem, or just needs to relax. Either way, Im sure its frusturating. But try to take a gentle approach with her. Have your son talk to the Dr. not you, it's not your place. And they wont really speak with you anyways

they probably won't talk to you... but i would talk to her parents... and maybe all of you can sit down and tell her how lucky she is to have a healthy baby... and she has to stop trying to find something wrong with her healthy baby.... she is probably nervous because of her other child... but she has to stop what she is doing.. and try to relax and enjoy her healhty baby.. someone needs to talk to her.. maybe the dr. will listen to you about that.. and he can talk to her.. good lukc

Well, certainly there is the possiblity that she is suffering from a mental disorder like Munchausen Symdrome (or even something less pernicious), but the more likely answer is that we know just enough to be dangerous these days.

With the internet, new diagnoses all them time, and constantly changing information; it is easy to get freaked out by every little thing. Given that she already has a child with Autism, I can imagine that she is more than a little worried. Even harder to deal with is that there is no known cause, cure, or even consistently reliable treatments.

I take it that your son and Misty aren't married? Of course your son can raise his concerns...however, his immediate rights to information may be limited by their custody agreement and HIPPA.

Unless y'all actually believe the child to be in danger, then try to be supportive and allay her fears rather than creating conflict. It sounds like she may have her hands full and is probably overwhelmed.

If you were already dealing with the challenges of one autistic child it makes sense that you would be worried about having another one! That is a very scary diagnoses and it sometimes doesn't reveal itself until a child is a little older. Rather than you constantly focusing on the mother and what she is doing with the second child you should be focusing your energy on helping her with the autistic child and making sure she has breaks and times to support each one with some one on one time. She is going to need breaks to de-stress! Focus on the positives rather than the negatives!

I'm not sure what "test" he had at birth, because as far as I know there is no such test that exists at this point and time. I have a nephew that is autistic and it is more of a psych eval/developmental eval and there is nothing to really evaluate at birth. That isn't to say that your grandson has autism, but just saying that I don't know that it is possible for them to have ruled it out at birth. It has taken years for them to finally diagnose my nephew as being on the autistic spectrum.

Anyway, to answer your question, perhaps it is just fear because she already has one child with these challenges that she worries about everything with the other one. I doubt it is that she actually wants there to be something wrong with him, but more that she is anxious about the one child and so she plays the emotions she feels about his challenges out with the healthy child.

The doctors can't discuss the patient with anyone but the parents; however, they can LISTEN to what you are saying and take it into consideration.

Some people are just very worried and others have the syndrome that the other poster mentioned. Either way, it can be quite stressful for others to watch.

S.:

hello!

I've not read your other responses - so forgive me if I am repetitive.

1. I am not aware of any newborn tests for autism as it manifests a tad bit later.
2. It sounds to me as if your DIL has Munchausen by-Proxy. If there is something wrong with her grandchild she will get "attention" from those around her.
3. You can talk with YOUR son's doctors at any time - they are YOUR doctors. HER doctors? No. It would be a privacy issue. You may go with her to HER doctor the next time she is there and let the doctor know what she does.
4. The other issue MIGHT be she is a hypochondriac. However, it sounds to me as if she has Munchausen By Proxy - what is unfortunate about this disease - some people who suffer from it will INTENTIONALLY hurt their child (get them sick) in order to receive attention, sympathy, etc. from those around her.

I hope this helps.

best regards,

Cheryl

You can try to talk with her doctors, but because of HIPPA laws, unless you are authorized as a caregiver to your grandson, they will not be able to tell you any information, so don't expect it.

you might make sure she does'nt have .Münchhausens. syndrome or Münchhausens by proxy, this is where people thrive on being felt sorry for, and sometimes they thrive on their children being felt sorry for. It could also be some sort of hypochondria. However it might also just be her feelings of inadequacies as a mother and inventing some daunting issues to try to explain why she doesnt feel she measures up.

She may be completely unaware of it.

Or its possible that she is just a worried mom who can feel the weight of the world on her shoulders and worries about every little thing, ive been there.

All i can say is to be there for her and to reassure her.

If she is a first time mom, she may just be the typical worried first time mom. We all get paranoid. You probably did something similar and don't remember that "first time mom"feeling.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but I'm kinda wondering the same thing as Grandma TM. You say "my son", and "my grandson", but not "my daughter in law". You refer to your daughter-in-law as "my grandson's mother", which doesn't sound like you have any connection to her at all. I understand the MIL/DIL dynamic, but the distance you put by thinking of her as not your family will not help her feel secure and supported.

you can call the childs dr and just say, look this is what i noticed, she does ....... I just want you to know. period. he shouldn't say anything to you because of privacy law, but you can talk tohim.

Münchausen syndrome by proxy?
Look it up if you aren't sure what it is, but there are mom's out there that keep their kids sick, or think they are always sick to seek attention. There isn't enough information here that would directly lead me to believe it is, but it could be an explanation for her or others that you have noticed this about. It is considered a mental health disorder/disease. I'm not saying she is this, but she may have some traits of this. Can be very difficult to diagnose and difficult to "understand" why someone would do this, however, once again, many mental health disorders don't make sense to someone who has never experienced this mental state.