Moms

I don't know how old either of you are. But, he needs to realize he's going to be responsible for another person for 18+ yrs. Not to scare you but, I would be nervous too. A baby is such a blessing. A baby is also a lot of work. They are exhausting but worth every minute. Just make sure you have lots of family support (mom/dad/sister/brother etc) and keep them around especially after the baby is born. You will need them and so will your baby. Right now all that matters right now is you and the baby.

I get the feeling you are really young from your request (late teens?). I'm sure sure he is scared and I would bet that he doesn't grasp how big of a commitment this is. I'm sure you're scared as well and since you can't go on and do all the things you're used to doing (drinking and such?) you are already feeling the changes that are going to be taking place. You need to talk to your boyfriend and tell him that you need him to be there for you more. Tell him you expect him at the Dr. appt's with you. Maybe take a parenting class together. Things so he can be part of this pregnancy with you. Then see about making sure that you guys have nights where the two of you do things that you can partake in-movies pool, bowling-maybe dance lessons (some things may sound corny but still be fun ;) ) Then have nights where you can each be with your own friends.

The fact is that having a baby is a HUGE lifestyle change and it tests relationships because it puts a lot of stress on the couple. Talk, communicate. Having a baby is the most wonderful thing in the world but it is extremely hard. Be prepared to put work into your relationship and look to family and friends for support. Good luck and congratulations on being pregnant (even if it is unexpected!). Being a mom is really amazing and even with all the hard work I wouldn't change it for the world.

Let us know how it goes!

I would guess he is scared. It is a scarey time (or it was for me and my hubby) even in the best of circumstances. My husband would go from freaked out to thrilled and back to freaked out. Men don't always feel comfortable telling their wives/girlfriends this as they think we will be hurt. Not sure how young you two are or how long you've been together but I would bet he is scared, if not terrified and probably also concerned about how this will change his life. I think all the above are normal although I am sure every couple is different. Relax a bit and good luck!

I was 20 when my son was born. My boyfriend went through the same thing. He always wanted to go out and drink with his buddies.. of course the girl being pregnant can't go.. Who wants to go hang out with a bunch of drunk guys anyway? I honestly think SOME men just feel the need to "get it out of their systems" before the baby is born. OTHERS just freak out. I am no longer with my son's father because of that reason. He didn't want to grow up, quit drinking OR get a job. Not saying your boyfriend is or will be anything like that, just try and talk to him.

I remember being so jealous that i couldn't do all the things he got to. (drink, smoke, carnival rides..all which seem silly now anyway) Your boyfriend probably is scared, but it is a scary situation, especially when you're so young. See how it goes. Baby won't be born for quite a few more months, so just take it slow. If hes still doing it when it's closer to baby time, maybe he needs a wake up call... Good luck on becoming a mommy. Feel free to send me a personal message if you wanna ask any advice or just talk to another young momma. :-)

Hi C.

I went through this with my at time boyfriend. We were always going out and had very busy lives and where I think young when I got pregnant. At first things stayed the same but then it got to the point he was still going out and i was tired so i didn't want to and i would get angry about it but learned just give them space. Men react funny. they don't communicate what they are feeling at all and don't take it personal, they don't even communicate with the guys. at the time I was around 6 - 7 months he even started drinking more and it was frustrating. It seemed the day I had our son he changed back. I think he just didn't know how to deal with this big life change. honestly I didn't either. so it causes strains definitely on the relationship but one thing I think I learned was if you can get through all this it works out. We married almost a yr after our son was born and we have a great relationship now. During my pregnancy I did not think we would last. We have now been married 3 1/2 yrs.
Good luck with everything change is hard on everyone but you will get through it.

My sister in law was experiencing the same thing. She was excited about the baby bringing them closer. She would cover up the negatives of his behavior and embelish the exciting times; like picking out the room etc. Unfortunately, she spent the entire pregnancy trying to build the relationship just to be disappointed by a non-existant father. He contiues to go out and gave up custody. (which will be best for the baby in the long run, for be amount of times he actually saw him in seven months). She has lots and lots of family support. Hang on to that and take advantage of their help. You will need it. A baby will challenge any relationship, it is a lot of work, especially in the beginning. Just remember during the tough times as the baby grows that it gets easier. It is so rewarding.

Hi C.!

Young is relative. I was 19 when I had my first child and I went through something similar. There's a lot of different things that could be going on for your boyfriend. First, preagnancy isn't "real" for men until the baby is born and sometimes when they can start to feel the baby move. It's real for us from the start. It also could be that he's scared about losing his freedom and going out more to prove to himself and possibly to you that he's not going to "lose" his life and his fun just because he's going to be a dad. The other is that he may be in denial, bakc to the this isn't real for him yet or he may feel like he's not ready to be a dad. These are just a few of the common things it can be, there are many other's. Instead of guessing why don't you ask him. You can say I've noticed this behavior and it's making me feel.... can you tell me or talk to me about what's going on with you so I can feel more secure about our having a child together. Share with him that your scared, wether it's about the relationship, your future together ect.. Just don't blame him for how your feeling or anything for that matter.

Hope this helps!

A.

C. - congratulations on your pregnancy. i hope it is a healthy one.

that said - he won't change. the odds of him seeing his son or daughter and all of a sudden becoming the loving, diaper-changing, stay-at-home instead of go to the bars, take baby to the playground, nurturing dad are small; he sounds like he's still a child himself (it's not an age thing - there are very responsible teens and very irrespsonsible 40-somethings). you can't change him. the jealous route is a lost cause - it only pushes boys/men further away. if you feel already, in your first trimester, like you are missing out on stuff that you want to do then you may want to rethink becoming a parent at this time. your freedom is going to decrease exponentially when the baby is born.

i agree with the writer who said you must have family close by - you will need lots of help. also keep in mind that children are expensive. let's just say i had opportunities to become a mom when i was young, but "opted" to wait, if you know what i mean - and now i am a happy married mom with a terrific husband who does as much as i do in taking care of our daughter - and we have the funds to make sure she has everything she needs - health insurance, regular doctor visits, medicine when she needs it, etc. by the way - while you shouldn't go to bars, drink or smoke - there are lots of fun things pregnant women can do - keep fit - i golfed until my 8th month - enjoy the summer weather at the beach or taking walks and preparing for the little one's arrival - paint the room, go to yard sales and pick up baby items super cheap, etc. it doesn't help if you're always sitting at home - that is a big turn off to guys. sorry i've rambled. get in touch if you want to talk.

C.,

He could definitely be scared. Just wondering when you say you can't go out what do you mean? I would say not to drink but you can go and dance, go to dinner, go to a movie, a baseball game, a bike ride. I'm not sure why you can't go out. Maybe he just wants to 'have some fun' before the baby gets here because afterwards it's harder since you will need to pay someone to watch the baby plus you will be more tired.
I would have a heart to heart with him about what you are feeling and what you think. The best thing is to be open and honest with each other. It's hard enough to have and take care of a new born but to have issues with your relationship as well is going to be worse. Try and work out all your stuff now before the baby comes so when it gets here you both can focus on the baby and rely on each other for support and confort.
Of course if he is scared and wants out then it's best you know now rather than later. Either way you will both need to figure out about the baby and how you two plan to raise him/her.

Good luck,
L. M

yes that sounds fear driven to me! My husband (and we were in our 30's for our first baby) was in a band and instead of going out less he went out more. I was really mad and he said "I can go out if I want to" - by the time I was showing he had quit the band on his own and once the baby came I couldn't get him out of the house! :-)

It sounds like your bf is just scared, but at some point he will need to step up - when you are further into your pregnancy you will need him to be home and helping you.

Congratulations and good luck!

Of course he is scared and I am sure you are to! There are big changes happening to both of you, while I am not that young I am a single mother of an amazing 11month old, this was the best decision I made, although the father and I are not together he is still a part of our sons life. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your child, pray that he will realize what is important and do what he needs to do, be a great dad.

Sweetheart, aren't you scared too? I was 18 when I got preegnant with my first. I had him at 19 and honestly I thought I was very ready and prepared, not scared at all. The truth was inside I was scared. It's a big deal to go through when your young. You are both losing your youth before your quite ready. At this point for me, I actually broke things off with my sons Dad because he wasn't in the same place as I was. Which seems to be what's going on with you too. It seems he's going through the normal reactions. He's wanting to get out there and have fun before he feels its over. He's got the entire pregnancy to be him until he can't be anymore. You may be going through more of a preperation stage. The hormones are inside you preparing you to be Mom. Even at this point your protecting and nurturing your baby even while it's inside growing.
I think it would be good for both of you to go to classes at your local hospital that are there to help all aged parents prepare for what's about to come. He probably will fight you on this because his hormones & nerves aren't getting the same chemicals that your body is providing for you. But if you can get him to them, it may help him, he may even see he's not alone. My husband was paniced out of his mind and he was 29 when I had his first, my second.
The truth is after the baby is born, maybe not right away, you'll be able to be youthful again with him when you've got a babysitter. I'm not exactly sure of your sitution but both our parents were furious, trying to talk us into abortion and adoption. They swore never to have anything to do with any of it. As soon as their eyes meet their grandbaby, their lives change too.
Best of luck, my love.

Does he want to go out with you or just his buddies?
If the answer is out with you: believe in him. He may be wanting to just get out before things really change!

How are other things? Is he showing excitement in other ways? For instance: buying baby things, or special things for you? If he is... I would really let it be.

If you really feel there is a discrepancy, then talk. A LOT is changing, obviously.. soon, you will no longer be just his wonderful girlfriend- you'll be forever the mother of his child!

Good luck!

I was 18 (and my boyfriend 17) when I got pregnant with my first daughter who is now 14. Pregnancy brings about such a change in relationship that it often seems hard not to disagree and fight. A lot of young couples break up as a result. My boyfriend and I did break up, but eventually (after 6 years of court and against all odds it seems) got back together, married, and had two more children. We are now together, and will hopefully stay that way until we are old.
Because you are the one pregnant you are the one who is directly forced to mature. The dad often has a harder time realizing that he has to mature. This is a life changing event. My advice would be to get married so that breaking up is not an option. That way you have to work through everything together. Just remember, life is so much harder without the father of your child as support, though it may not seem that way at times.
After my now husband and I got back together we fought about all the same things as before but this time we didn't just leave each other, we stayed and worked each problem out. That is very hard to do. But it is so very worth it to see my babies playing with their daddy, and not having a broken family (something I did not get with our first).

Hi C.,

Congrats on your pregnancy! I was pretty young when I got pregnant for the first time (twenty), but my husband was even younger. He was seventeen when his first girlfriend got pregnant with our oldest daughter, eighteen when she was born; our second daughter was born (to a new girlfriend) when he was twenty-one.

When I met him he was twenty-three, with daughters ages five and two, and acting like Peter Pan. Although he was a father of two, he was still acting like a young bachelor--his mom and I took care of the girls whenever they were with him. He undeniably loved and cherished our girls, but he was not acting like the mature, responsible father he should be (I second the mom who wrote that man-children come in all ages). It was especially hard on me once I came to fully love our daughters and consider them as my own; there were times when I would be taking care of them and he would be off with his friends, having a good ol' time, while our kids were asking me where he was and when he was coming back.

Today he is the responsible father he should've been from the get-go: he has sole custody of one daughter and joint custody of the other, he works, cooks, cleans, spends time with all four of the kids and just enjoys being a dad. He really started acting this way full-time in 2001 or so (and it still took a few more years for him to fully develop as a father); for him, the initial journey from man-child to dad took six years.

Is your boyfriend scared? Sure! Will he turn out have the same difficulty with growing up as my husband did? Who knows! He could be just "getting it all out of his system" now, like the other moms mentioned. He could surprise you both and be the best father and partner to you in the whole world once the baby is born. No matter what happens, the pregnancy is definitely going to keep changing your relationship, the baby even more so. I hope it changes it for the better, but you seem to be aware that there's no guarantee of that.

I definitely agree with the moms who said to keep your family around for support. Family is invaluable resource when you have kids of any age. It's important to keep your boyfriend's family involved with the pregnancy and the baby too. Make sure you let them know that no matter what happens with you and your boyfriend you'll always make sure they're a part of your baby's life (I tried to go in the other direction once and cut my husband's family out for good--trust me, it's not good and it's not worth it). I don't know how comfortable you are with them, but if the answer is not very, I'd say you better get comfortable if you can. Nothing is worse than having wars with your in-laws over your relationship with your boyfriend and/or your children. I've been there, and it is AWFUL. It hurts everyone involved, especially the children.

Good luck, C., and just try to keep your head up. No matter what your boyfriend does or where your relationship goes, just remember that the baby is what's important now. If you two can always manage to put the baby as your highest priority you'll always be on the right path. I'm here if you'd like to or you need to talk privately, and I imagine many other moms are too :)

--M.

My experience is men aren't the best at communicating their feelings (!) but give them time and a little space to sort things out, the keepers will come around...
In the meantime, enjoy this time in your life. This is your first pregnancy, your first child. You'll never get these moments back so make the memories worthwhile. Take care of yourself, be healthy, read baby books, take classes, take pictures of your growing belly :)
If things get really overwhelming, just try to take it one day at a time. Good luck!

My husband and I were 18 when we had our first. It is completely normal for him to be nervous and scared. It's a whole new world of responsibility for you both and sometimes young men aren't sure how to handle it. Your best bet is for you two to sit down and have a heart to heart talk about the pregnancy and your relationship. Try to get him to open up about how he's feeling about it. Good luck!