Mommy Doesn't Play

I couldn't wait to play!
One of the reasons to have kids is so you can play with toys again.

Realize that anything they do is play - so you can have her help you clean or cook or do stuff in the yard - it'll still be fun!

I don't "play" very much either.

This is sometimes a point of contention between me and my husband. he thinks he plays with them all the time (he way overestimates this btw), and I don't do it enough. So he's is sometimes on my case about it. We both work full time, I am more of a do-er than him and require less sleep to function, and I end up shouldering more of the household and childcare duties in general. So I don't take kindly to him being on my case about much of anything ;)

Really, I love boardgames, puzzles crafts, barbies, and dress-up. I would happily sit around the evenings playing away, or doing art projects or baking cookies every night. But I also love a neat organized house. Who is going to make dinner, clean it up, vacuum up dog hair, and all the rest of the daily stuff that keeps the house from being eligible for an episode of Hoarders? If he takes on those chores I am happy to play my evenings away.

And I think you can't overlook the love that comes with preparing meals, teaching, having conversations about values and expectations, simple snuggling and reading books, singing along to shared favorite tunes on the car rides, shopping together... the list of positive interactions mothers have with their kids that isn't "playing" goes on and on.

I think you are all good. As much as I love doing kid stuff, the "make-believe" is just the worst- so hard to get into. PLUS, it is much better experience for them to act that out with their peers- other kids who will have their own opinions and ideas for them to compromise with. It is actually NOT helpful for them developmentally to be play-acting with mom or dad who will just do whatever the child commands. At least that's what I tell myself when I don't feel like doing it!

i'll give you validation and permission.
i too did not get down on the floor much and 'play with' my kids. like you i spent lots and lots of time with them, and a very little bit of it WAS play. but more along the lines of a board or card game, or some badminton. trucks and legos and super-heroes and the endless 'let's pretend' that they loved (and which occupied the vast majority of my own childhood) were things they did on their own, with each other, and with other kids.
i agree it's not a good reason to have another child. let's pretend works beautifully for onlies too. i had a ton of brothers but didn't want to play with them much, i did most of my pretend games on my own, or with friends when i could finagle what's become 'play dates' in modern parenting parlance.
don't feel guilty.
khairete
S.

No matter how many kids you have, you still need to engage or challenge them in some ways. People don't have other kids (or they shouldn't) to provide playmates for the first one. And I agree with you, it's not a reason to have another child. I have one child and don't regret it. I don't even call him an "only" child because that implies a "lack" of something. If pressed, I call him a "single child" or a "singleton", but not an "only". And I never say I have "just one" child - I have ONE, not "just one".

So, let's define "playing". Do you have to get on the ground and play with dolls if you hate them? No. But do you leave your child for 12 waking hours a day, alone? No.

So the things you do are great. I agree with the person who said your child won't remember that you fed healthy food, and maybe not much about discipline or teaching. (Depends on how/why you discipline, and what you teach.) The snuggling and the kissing of boo boos is marvelous.

So what DO you do besides that? Do you read a good night story while you're snuggling? Do you put on music CDs in the car or lullabies before bed? Do you take nature walks and have her take a bucket so she can pick up interesting leaves or rocks or pine cones? Do you watch an age-appropriate movie together and talk about it? Do you cook together? Sort laundry together? (Make cooking a bit of math, make laundry a game of sock-sorting afterwards or color-separating beforehand. Do you pick out healthy food together for the letter carriers' food drive or the food pantry bin at the fire station? Good time for a lesson about healthy food and poverty and doing for others. Do you have a bunch of creative supplies like markers and paper and glue and googly eyes? Depending on her age, have you considered a board game (Chutes & Ladders, CandyLand, or going up from there)? That's a way to "play" without sitting down and playing free-form dress up if you don't love it. Does she have a variety of toys that you encourage her to use - like Legos/Duplos, something to assemble creatively like train tracks or marble mazes, anything that "builds"? Even if she does the work, do you sit and admire and ask her what she's made? How about puzzles or shape sorters? Those are great to do together.Do you ride bikes/kiddie cars, go to the park/beach, have a sandbox? Use chalk in the driveway to create "roads" or a hopscotch board? Do you put fun toys in the tub with her (if you don't have designated bath toys, how about Tupperware and a funnel and a strainer? Show her a few mixing techniques to create a waterfall, then admire what she creates with them. Do you take a few supplies to the beach to build sand castles? If you do half of what's on this list, you're probably doing fine. If SHE decides to dress up with a box of hand-me-downs or thrift shop finds, then your job is to applaud and take pictures now and then. You don't have to do it too.

If you are leaving your child in the center of the room while all you do is vacuum and wash dishes, then that's what she'll remember. But if you leave her to her own devices with enough materials (store-bought or natural), you may have the kid I raised - a creative construction kid who used things for their intended purposes and for new purposes as well, and who became a civil engineer.

If you're lacking ideas, then try the public library for fun books of activities - camp activities books are great. If you just hate the idea of playing dolls and tea party and dress up, then move beyond those. Take her to story hour at the library, take her to the hands-on exhibits at the museum or the aquarium, browse at the craft store. Make a salad together, set the table, load the dishwasher.

Don't feel guilt-tripped into any of it. And don't let anyone tell you there's just one way to raise a self-sufficient and whole child. There's a nasty competition in some neighborhoods and school systems about who does the most for their child - and it's demeaning. Most of it isn't essential to raising a complete human being. Chart your own course.

I totally know how you feel. I just don't enjoy "playing". I disagree with a poster who said your kids won't remember you fed them healthy food. My mom did and I certainly remember. She was a cook and feeder like crazy but not play mom and it never bothered me. I became independent and used my imagination and read a lot. No regrets. I did have other kids in the neighborhood though. And at age 5, play dates are fun. My kids have a ton of them. But I feel guilty too I don't play more. Luckily my husband will more. I figure like I do, they will understand someday. And I do play more than my mom did. I don't think she ever played one single board game even with me. And she was a great mom! Incredibly devoted. More so than many of my friends' moms. She just didn't play. But I agree to try 15 min here and there. I've been doing that with soccer. And when my kids were 5, I did play catch or dance to music and a fun one was keep the balloon up. So long as you're doing that type of thing, I think you can skip the imaginary stuff and not feel guilty. When mother's worked in the fields or kitchens all day, were they playing princess and princes? I don't think so...

I never "played" with my kids either. I took them places like zoos, museums, the beach, the playground, the swimming pool and hiking, I bought them toys an arranged for them to play with other kids, I read to them and played the occasional board game, I taught them how to ride a bike and bowled and mini-golfed with them, I talked to them and listened to them, I did the occasional craft project with them, but I did not play make believe games or toys with my kids. Having another child would not provide your child with a playmate at this point. If you want your child to have playmates then take her to where there are other kids, arrange playdates with her school firends and enroll her in extra curricular activities.

I rarely "played" either. I was (am) a mom, not a playmate. I engaged them, taught them, kept them safe, snuggled with them, nursed and sang and read to them, took them places and showed them the world.
I think this idea of "mommy as best friend" is new, and frankly a bit dysfunctional. Mommies and daddies are supposed to be the caregivers, teachers, protectors, basically ADULTS, at least IMO, and children should be playing on their own (it's called imagination) and/or with each other.

My ex and I just had this talk with the kids too who often say, "Mom, you never play with us!!". Which is sort of true. He had my back and we explained the deal to them.

I'm a stay at home mom. With three kids. I used to homeschool. I take them on every errand. I take them to countless fun activities. I read them endless hours of books. I run their music practices with them every day. I take them to all their recitals and classes. We go on road trips. We visit friends. Friends visit us. I discipline, I cuddle, I nurse boo boos. We talk and talk and talk about every random topic on earth and exchange 50 I love you's per day. We laugh and make up jokes. We play card games and board games-once in a while until they bicker too much. Whenever they need me in life: I'm there.

But SOMETIMES I need to do other stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then I tell them to "go play".

For God Sakes.

If I had to play make believe games too my head might explode, and it's good for kids to entertain themselves.

I don't remember my parents playing with us either. Just being there and taking us to do cool stuff. And my parents both worked full time so we entertained ourselves A LOT.

I get a little weirded out when I see Mom's playing pretend or getting really into the imaginary stuff kids come up with.

I think that type of play ends up being VERY child led when adults play along. Like the kid just tells the adult what to do and say and they go along with it. It's just not for me or really any of the parents I know.

Did your Mom play that way with you? Why feel guilty? You sound like a great Mom. Keep doing what you're doing and make sure she has opportunities to play pretend with other kids.

Oh I don't play either. I just can't stay engaged. I've tried. It's just not in my personality.
And I know lots of women where that's the case.
So don't feel bad.
Your LO is loved and nutured. That's all you need.

i don't get on the floor and play either. I have lots of friends that do, and that's great, but I have work to get done, and they don't need me. I'm their mom, not their play-mate. It's good for kids to play by themselves. It allows them to really develop and cultivate an imagination that is free from the little boxes us adults only know. You are doing her a good service in teaching her to entertain herself without you.

Really, you are doing a great job!

I am just like you - and with just one. Having a playmate is not an excuse to have another child. Would be nice - sure - but was not in my plans.

I'm sure she's fine. Perhaps set up some play dates. She won't need you to play make believe if someone else is over and entertaining her.

Sounds like you are doing a pretty good job... how old is your daughter?

My point is..... the parent that ALWAYS plays or entertains their child ends up with a child that cannot entertain themselves... you are helping teach her independence and helping her learn to be on her own...

However, if you are, instead, just letting her watch TV or play on a tablet endlessly, then that could be a problem.... electronics should not be a babysitter.

I hope that made sense?

I did play, sometimes. Now that my kids are turning 16 and 20, I wish I could play some more. But it sounds like you are doings lots of things with your kid - reading, board games, art projects, etc.
Your child is five. If you had another baby, she'd be six when the baby was born. Kids who are six years apart really don't play. By the time the sibling was ready to do what six year olds do, your daughter would be 12, having crushes, watching tween shows, wanting to spend her time shopping for lipgloss and body sprays, not playing dollhouse or prince and the dragon anymore.
It's great that your kiddo likes to play pretend! The smartest kids do :) Tell her that she can act out these scenarios with her dolls, barbies or action figures. Help her to write a book of her story, with great illustrations! What she probably needs is more play dates with kids her age, to enjoy her dollhouse and pretend games with (as long as she knows she can't script the entire story when there is someone else playing as well).

Try to set aside 15 or 20 minutes to play with her here and there. Try to find something enjoyable in it. They are young for a blink of an eye, and then those opportunities are gone, and you will probably regret it.

Try 15 mins. and see how it feels. Isn't is worth 15 mins to assuage your guilt?

I wouldn't do well at that pretend stuff either. I think that is what playdates are for??

My parents didn't play with me past age 4 or so and I turned out just fine. :) I try to make time to play with my two, but often I just say no because I'm exhausted after all the other things we do together. I aim for at least 15 min a day with each child. What is really fun is when you have lots of energy and you can ask them if they want to play with you! I do that maybe once a week and it's fun, because it's on your terms and you can say how long you play. I get a kick out of watching their faces when I ask them.

You do play with her in many ways. I haven't seen any mom's to get down on the floor to play make believe games. I didn't tho I tried. Wasn't comfortable for me. I do talk back and forth with my grandchildren in a playful way. When they bark, I'll respond by pretending they're a dog for a few minutes.

Your last paragraph explaining what you do sounds very normal. Each mom plays in ways in which they're comfortable. You're doing fine. Is she in school. Do you arrange play dates? Playing make believe can be done with other children. You are not meant to provide all of your daughter's experience.

I did not play. I provided toys. I would show them "look this goes here, this goes there" Have your little people have a picnic etc. Playing is all about using their imagination. If I am doing the playing all the time my little ones would never have used their own imaginations. So now I didn't play all the time. I would say go get your house and people you can play while I do dishes, or while I read etc.

take her on a "date" set aside special mommy playtime. do an art project daily. read to her. theres no need to be constantly playing with your child. but a bit of quality time will help a ton.

My son is 11, and an only child. I was his playmate at home. My husband worked constantly so I could be home with my son. I entertained him, but not consistently, nor all day. He and I both are artistic, so I would teach him his colors/ shapes, etc. we loved plays doh too. I read to him, and watched him play outside in the yard. At 3, I found a Mom in my area(through this site!) and her son( also same age) would play together.

I recommend finding a playmate frontier daughter, and also engage with her on a daily activity. It doesn't have to be life altering, but just a board game, art/craft, coloring, etc.

My son now is a very talented artist. So, I feel it is important to find what her interest is, and apply that daily. You don't have to play barbies to bond with her. Show her something that you liked as a child. Start there. The rest will come.

Don't beat yourself up, either for having just one. I have appreciated my time with just my son, and vice versa.

Its ok to let a child play be his/her self. It helps them be creative and imaginative. Having said that I'd also say that you need to set aside time every day to play with your child.

When they look back at their childhood what are they going to remember? Mom fed me healthy food? She taught me well? Nope they'll remember kicking the ball around in the yard or playing hide and go seek. Making a tent out of a card table in the living room or eating popcorn for dinner one night.

Now that I'm a gram I've come to see the I get to choose how my grandkids will remember me. I'll be the gram who knit them things and always played and cuddled. How do you want to be remembered?

You are not your child's playmate. They need to play on their own and at age 5 they can watch TV, play video games, play toys, go outside, etc...spending time with this is good but it doesn't have to be all day and it doesn't have to be playtime.

My mom can't believe I don't remember her playing hide and seek with me but I don't. (She claims she even hid under the kitchen table😉). Conversely, my kids remember dancing with me to my favorite songs occasionally although we danced pretty much every night.

Go for walks together, color together, read together, go swimming, dance together and your child will have some fond memories of growing up.

I'm an only child and my mom never played with me, not even colored or art projects, literally nothing, and she was (still is) a single mom. And I turned out ok. lol So don't worry about it. Kids learn to entertain themselves so let her do that. Just be ready when she's older and very strong and independent. JMO. Good luck.

SHE will be fine! You do so much with her. If there is any question in your mind, don't play with her because you think she needs it. Play with her for YOU. This time goes so fast! When she is headed off to college are you going to regret not half-heartedly being the Prince and slaying the mean Dragon?

I would..........

Why not play with her?

Sign her up for an activity with a friend and have the friend over after.

I am the same as you. It's funny - I always thought when I had girls that I'd be super into playing Barbies, etc. because I loved it as a child - but nope.

I do things with my kids that I wouldn't have expected to do. I liked setting train sets up (the bridges, etc.). I didn't make the trains go "choo choo". Just set up. Same with dolls - I will set up the dollhouse, but ask me to make Barbie talk and have conversations - nope. And Little Ponies are just not my thing. I will occasionally sit and have a tea and brush pony hair.

That's what I do. I hang out nearby. I am there to change outfits if need be, and I listen (pretend to), and I get stuff out ... but I don't actually play on a child level either.

I pick things I like to do and encourage them to join me. I like baking and crafts, so they join in. If I am working at the table, bring your play dough next to me - that kind of thing.

Teddy Bear picnics - I make up a tray, bring it outside on blanket and get the bears ... and sit and have my tea ... but I'm not making teddy talk.

Some of mine had imaginary friends - probably because mom sucked at it so badly :) but then they have their own buds and that works much better. As they get older, they get more and more friends (easier).