Mom Seeking Guidance on Behavior of Son

I am a teacher and a mom. Generally, when a child is acting out, it is in response to something else going on in his life. Talk to him and his teachers to find out if something else is going on.

Any issues you have with what is going on with school you should really talk to his teacher, get with the school counselor and work with them in a positive resolution.
I know my daughter has had issues this year of not staying focused on her work because she was busy socializing or distracting other kids on occassion. I emailed her teacher and asked for some suitable methods. One was she had to bring her work she wasn't finishing in class home so she had to do that before doing anything fun, that helped but the counselor got involved and they did a smiley face system where the child earns smiley faces daily on a sheet and has to take it to the counselor at the end of the day to be checked off. You would not believe the turn around in my daughter. She now finishes her work, has not talked during class and has a new sense of pride. I could tell her til' the cows came home but hearing it from her teacher and the counselor gave her new reasons to focus I guess. The positive praise has really encouraged her to work her hardest.
Now if that smiley system would work at home...hee heee...then I would be really happy!

Just a few thoughts:
Usually when children cannot get attention being good they resort to bad behavior.
There's a good book, Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) it's kind of old but really informative!
When my children were acting out it was usually related to something going on in their life. A little gentle prying and talking with lots of hugs usually brought it out.

However, with my son, the youngest, it was always a "heart" issue. His heart was wrong, he had little remorse, he didn't care. It took a drug and alcohol out-patient treatment program for him to find his heart. (At the tender age of 15!)

Good luck

Check out Gordon Neufeld's book Hold On to Your Kids and if the Power to Parent video workshop that he leads is available in your area go to it. His work transformed my thinking about structure and attachment. Basic premise: meet the attachment needs of the kid--which doesn't have to take long and you don't have to be SAHM, and they will do what they can to follow you, take your cues for behavior.

Dear M.,
I would want to find out what is your son gaining from his acting out. There is usually a reason why children who were "perfectly normal" begin to act out. Many times it is a learned behavior from others around them or a need to fit in. I am sure that your school would be more than happy if you asked to set up a conference with his teachers to see if there is something that could be done at both locations.

I have two teenage boys and found that my oldest was acting out because I got sick and he was scared. Now we talk about things and I make them aware of the ups and downs and while he may have his occassional outburst he is a pretty decent young man.

M.,
This is the age when being accepted is so important.
Brainstorm with your son about positive ways that
he can be noticed and have friends.
Create a reward system for behavior that you would like to see. Assist him to see that being "Good" is rewarding.

Enjoy this fun time where your son is discovering what he has to offer the world!

With Joy,
C.
Loving Connections LLC

Imagine this!!! I have a 7 1/2 year old with the same problem. It drives me NUTS!!!! She has always been the ring leader of everything. And all of a sudden a new girl moves in across the street and my daughter is being convinced of doing all sorts of things that I know and she knows better. I finally realized that she has never had to say "no" to her friends. We have been working on other ways of saying "no" with out the word "no" in the sentence. Most of this started this year, my other theory is that she has a pathetic teacher at school. The two of them clash and it has been only in the last month, that I have come to this conclusion, so it is not worth my switching her now.

We also got her involved in other things, like swimming, piano lessons, and we are looking for a good voice teacher. And because I refuse to run from a problem, I am putting in fun toys (swings, playsets, teetor totters, etc.) in my back yard so that I can control the behavior and the friends.

She doesn't want to hurt their feelings and she wants to belong to the group. But when they are jumping off of 7 foot fences, I have a problem with fitting in with friends. By getting her involved with other things, she has made other friends away from our neighborhood.

I also agree with other posts, that he needs your time. I take my daughter in the evenings shopping for one on one time. We get drinks for the way home, or stop at a park for a little fun. I don't do this often (more like 1-2 times a month), but it has also helped. We have 4 kids, ranging from 11- 1 year. The last one has had a lot of medical needs and has taken a lot of my time.

A combination of bad teacher, bad friends, and not enough attention from parents, and not being able to say no has been the cause of our problems.

Good luck and hang in there. Give him a lot of love and listening to him talk!

I had the same issue with my 5 year old daughter. Although she is generally the leader. She always gets in trouble for not listening and talking too much. The bus driver was going to kick her off the bus. So we decided to make her walk to school (natural consequences). That worked! We have had no problem with the bus thing anymore. As far as the talking thing.....still working on that.

Hi, My suggestion is to get him involved in a church youth group for some mentoring. Secondly, have his seat moved on the bus to the front, and tell him the camera is on all the troublemakers, and does he want to be on it? Tell him also that if the camera records his bad behavior, that he will loose a favorite priveledge at home.

I wish the best for you.

~C.~

M.,
There are some great support materials to help you. I am a big believer in the Love & Logic parenting because it's just a few simple techniques that are easy to implement. Go to the library and check out the audios or videos "Four steps to responisbilty" or "Avoiding Power struggles with your kids" or Helicopters, drill sergeants, & Consultants" Listen as you're driving to work. They'll give you some great ideas.

If you learn better in a classroom with discussion, consider taking a Love&Logic class. I have one starting April 11th. No time for a class, consider a parent coach. Check out more info on my website www.shellymoorman.com. It is worth the investment now to lower your stress and help turn your son around before he reaches his teen years.

Good for you for reaching out for help!

M., are you providing rewards for positive behavior, or consequences for negative behavior? Children will always respond to positive reinforcement, so if he is not getting his needs met at home or school, he most likely will "act out". I would suggest targeting the behaviors you would like to see change the most, and maybe do a behavior chart that he can visually see, and provide immediate reinforcement when he shows the desired behaviors.

Is it possible your son is ADHD? These sound like some of the problems sometimes associated with ADHD. Please check with a place like the Childrens Hospital in Denver. They actually train the parents to be involved with showing the child a different way of life/living that makes life in the home, at school and anywhere else, just like everyone else.

He is too young to get the logic of "if everybody jumped off a cliff..." It's just too abstract for him.
Instead, talk to him about why there are rules and why they are important. Tell him that you expect him to follow the rules, even if other kids aren't.
Then, back it up. Stay in contact with the teacher to know how he is doing (my son was on a daily contract; not sure if you want to go this route or not), and meet him at the bus to ask the driver how he was. Knowing that you are checking up on him might be enough, but be prepared to have consequences ready for misbehavior (no t.v., early bedtime, etc) and rewards for a week of good behavior (pick a movie for the weekend, outing with mom & dad, etc). Also set up consequences at home for good/bad behavior that he knows about (don't make them up as you go, appropriate for his behavior).
It may take some time for behavior to change. It may even get worse at first. But stick with it and be conistant. Make sure you recognize even the smallest efforts, as he needs this. Spend time with him where you aren't getting after him for his behavior. Show him how much you love him.
Good Luck!

If both parents work full time, there's no point in starting with any other band-aids. The kid's craving attention.

Please keep in mind, that just because other parents do it, doesn't mean it's EVER normal for children. The media has sold us a bill of goods on this topic.

I would point out the fact that there are leaders and there are people who follow. If you aren't smart enough to lead then being a follower is fine. However you believe that he is plenty smart enough to be a leader and wish that he would realize this for himself. I would point out that having bad behavior isn't fun because you are always in trouble. By being a leader and having good behavior then people are always talking about what a good role model you are. People are much nicer to you and you are way more apt to get good things that you desire. The opposite brings the opposite reactions. I would point out that you know your child is a great person and wish the rest of the world could see him for what you do.

I don’t know if this would help, but here goes. My 5 year old son is a handful. He will hit his older sister with a fist, and when I ask him why he did it he says, “Because I wanted to.” I tried punishing him when he did it by spanking or sending him to his room and making him sit on his bed, but, that didn’t work. Then I tried telling his sister to hit him back, but she will not hit him that hard, and he just laughs or hits her more. So I enrolled him in a karate class, not for the violence part, but for the discipline that is taught. After being in the class just twice, he stopped hitting his sister with a fist. When he hits or hertz his sister or little brother, not just regular sibling stuff, I will tell his sensay. I feel like a kid who runs to there parent to tattle on a sibling, but sometimes it is necessary. The first time I had to tell his sensay, sensay talked to my son about his actions. The second time, sensay explained to my son that having his white belt was a privilege and if he kept doing things that heart his sister, like hitting her with a fist, he would take his belt away. Well my son has been in karate for 3 month and just received his yellow belt, that is a step above a white belt. After he received his belt, and we were getting ready to leave, sensay told me that my son had made grate improvements in the 3 months that he has been there, with listening and being more respectful, and following rules. I had a friend that has 2 children in karate. She said that one day when she took her kids for testing one of the other children that was there also for testing was misbehaving and being disrespectful. I think she told me that he was being tested for his brown belt. The sensay told the boy to go to the back of the line and also took his belt away and the boy had to start al over with his white belt again. Maybe you should try that. It might be a grate outlet for him instead at school.

We went through the same type of behavior w/ our oldest who is 8. We knew she knows better but she couldn't explain why she was doing it. We started using what we call the choices method that was reccomended by a counselor.
"If you choose (behavior), then you choose (consequence)."
We create consequences that fit the behavior and address them immediately even asking her input on what she feels is appropriate for the action. We have empowered her to make her own choices and then she is held accountable for those choices. Boy, it is hard on her when she does get "in trouble" because we remind her that it was her choice.
You can also talk to him about how he feels when kids tell him to do something he knows doesn't seem right. It can help him recognize those feelings and then he may think twice before acting. It has been very effective for us and we make sure to stick to it, deal with things as they happen and always stay calm when dealing with issues (can be very difficult at times but does work).