Mom Seeking Advice to Continue Helping My Child to Get Better Grades

call the school and tell them you want to meet in 3 weeks. That way if he's off track, you have time to get him back on. What school district/school? K.

What seems to get him going? What kind of positive reenforcing can you do? Give lots of positive praise when he does do good. These are the little steps. Is there something bothering him to make him like this? You also need to get to the bottom of that to help him. Does he need to go talk to someone who he can just open up to?

I live in Mason and have a 9 year old son. I know I will be faced with some of this one day. Sometimes we make him "earn time" on his game systems. That seems to help too.

D.

Hi K.-

I agree with the teachers and principal...although public humiliation works, it should be temporary. I've just gone through the exact same thing with my son (I went to school too). The thing that I do is I email the teachers on a weekly basis to make sure that I know what assignments he is missing and whether or not he can still turn them in. The teachers have so many kids, they really can't help each one as much as we as parents would like! :)

What I found that worked with my son was giving him mini-goals to work toward. I took EVERYTHING away...phone, tv, computer, Wii, but let him still socialize and participate in sports, with the caveat that I will talk to the coach and sit him out of games if his grades were not there. I gave him mini-goals - good attitude and grade improvement for one week - he would get one thing back, the next week, the same thing, etc.

It's so hard at this age because their friends are becoming so much more important and they are concerned about fitting in. I pick my battles - grades and attitude at home and school are my big ones - and let the other things slide. So far so good. :) Good luck! :)

I would definetly not sit in on his class, My Daughter is in middle school (8th) and she would just die of embaresment. The rule is school is her priority, it comes first before fun and friends. When the homework is done she has the rest of the time to use as she chooses. Thank God she is doing great, and understands school is her priority.Explain that this is HIS educationa and he has to try his hardest and do his best.

I am a teacher and soon to be mom. As a teacher I don't believe it will do any good to sit in on his classes. It will probably make things worse. I know you want the best for him, but make sure you are not hounding him constantly. He will probably just shut down even more. I am a firm believer that you can take things away until his grades get better, but do not take away sports. Sound mind. Sound Body. Sports will help him manage time and help him focus. He may need a mentor. Someone who he can talk to outside of school or the home about whatever he wants. This could be anyone in the community. The school should be able to help you find a mentor for your son. Just remember to always stay positive with him. Little improvements in his case are big steps in the right direction. Start slowly. Don't make his life miserable. Work on rewarding with praise instead of objects.

It is hard when your child is not motivated. However, it is also hard when the school asks you to not be involved. I homeschool, but don't take that to mean that we should all be homeschooling. I do believe, however, that parents are the ones responsible for their children's education. There is no way the school teachers or administrators care more about your child's education more than you do. When I did have the children in public schools, I had issues with my oldest, where the school was not letting me know of issues (behavior/academic) and she was doing very poorly. They told me that most parents don't care, that they never report issues unless specifically asked. As parents, we need to know more often then every quarter or even every six weeks how our children are progressing. If they had trouble completing their work today, or didn't understand a concept taught this week, it is important to us that it is dealt with immediately. Additionally, if there are behavior issues, consequences need to be in effect that day.

I do have say that motivation seems to be a teenage issue. My teenage son doesn't seem to have a lot of ambition, and we struggle with completion of his work (we'd do this whether in public or home school). However, when he's really interested in something, and/or understands the assignment, it is easier to get him to complete his work.

I appreciate your concern and your involvement. Being active in your child's life (academics, social circle, anything) is not wrong, it is natural and may be what he needs to get moving. God has given us the responsibility to train up our children ... good luck to you.

K.,

I agree with the other moms that you should talk with your son, individually. If you and your husband are together at the kitchen table, he will feel like he's being ganged up on and possibly verbally beat up.

Ask him to join you for, cheesy as it sounds, an afternoon snack or dinner out, just the two of you. Have some fun together and then casually talk about school. You will probably have to ask a LOT of leading questions. Ask about his teachers, who he likes, who he doesn't, why he likes them or doesn't. Ask about which subject he likes best, the least. Ask if he feels he is being over loaded with school work and what he thinks he can do about it.

It may be hard, but he may not be able to answer all of your questions. He may be feeling something about school, but hasn't been able to put that feeling into words just yet. Ask about his friends and see if maybe he is being picked on at school. You might also need to ask his friends parents to find out what is going on socially at school regarding your son.

If all of your questions come up as duds, find out his opinion on a reward and consequences system for school work. Have him help you put something together.

He may not know what is expected of him at home regarding school work and may need a control journal for students. Here is a link for one that is free and may help him stay focused.
http://www.flylady.net/images/student_CJ.pdf

The timer idea may also work with him.

But I think that he may need to fail to become motivated. Talk to him about the consequences of him not doing his work and how he is on track for repeating 8th grade. As painful as it may be, he needs to learn that there are consequences to his decisions and inaction. If you have done everything possible, and he still is not doing his work, then he needs to fail to learn how to be independent.

Adults are punished for consistently not getting their work completed, they are usually fired from their jobs. If he can't learn that lesson now, he may have severe trouble later in his professional and personal life.

Good luck!

Talk to your child and maybe he can tell you exactly where he's having trouble. Beyond that, Sylvan learning centers might be worth it.

K.,

I would recommended that you read the book Love and Logic for the teenage years. They even have a website with lots of information and products they sell. It www.loveandlogic.com. They basically believe who ever is worrying about the problem then the problem belongs to them. If you have to attend your 13 yr. old class to get things done than the problem is diffidently yours not his. The believe that children need to learn consequences at a young age when the cost is low instead of when their an adult and the cost is high. They believe that everyone is charge of their own action and each action has a consequences whether it is good or bad. If it was my child I would say You know what has to be done to pass the eighth grade and move to High school with your friends. You have several choices You can do the work that required of you or maybe you could go to summer school this year and catch up or you can throw in the towel and repeat next yr. I have the confidence in you to figure it out and then I would walk away.
I would not yell fight or scream. I would not treat him like a baby I would let him make the decision. If he fails that was his decision. If he pass he will be proud of himself because he earned not his parents. This may sound very harsh but think of it this way. Are you planning on falling him around the rest of his life to make sure he does the things he needs to do. What about high school college or even his work life? Unless he has a disability which you did not mention then He should catch on to the love and logic method and you will see great results in no time. Hope this helps.

I personally suffered some of this to at that age... Part of it is a phase. Also, my parents did the same motto. "no work, no fun." and in my opinion as I suffered from it, it backfired.

It wasn't that I did not understand the work, I was being overworked at times. I had a few bad teachers also. There was some emotional stuff going on for me as well as I had some serious stress going on with my home life and at school. (not that this is the case for your son, I am just sharing what I had.)

Perhaps there is more going on... Have you talked with him? Have you asked him if anything or anyone at school is bothering him? Have you tried to give him some "play" time before "work" time so that he can focus after getting it out of his system? Sometimes that helps as if you do not and if he works in his room as I did, they do it anyway when you are not around...

There could be more underneath this that you need to pick at and you may need to approach it in another style. You mentioned he had some behavior issued previously... That does tie to emotions and it stems from anything. Has anything changed at home? He is a teenager now. He is going through some big changes and the hormones are flooding his body.

If I were you I would maybe ease off on some of the extra stuff and try to talk with him, express the academics to him (in a gentle manner) and find out what is going on... just for a week? He is old enough to really talk to. Or see if dad can do it as he may not be comfortable to talk with you at this point (if he's in the puberty stage... or it's something else?).

Have faith... He'll be okay! :)
These are just things that I am thinking of from my years, and by no means suggest anything on you... So please do not be offended in any way! I am surprised I made it through school and my teenage years!

This is 8th grade and you have 6 weeks to make an impact before 9th grade when it REALLY counts. I would let him fail without your help. Like someone else said, these kids are becoming adults and I would say that from what the teachers said, he can do it on his own, so he's solo. No reminders, no checking NOTHING. Let him be an adult and be responsible. Yes it will be hard, but let him figure out what he needs to do to be successful in high school.

We have an 8th grade science teacher who is so tough on the kids, but her theory is that lessons learned now will pay big dividends in the future. She has taken some 4.0 students and given them C's. This is hard for the parents and takes away bragging rights, but each child has vowed to never let the "mistake" happen again. They are becoming more responsible.

Suggest you consult with a child psychologist. I have worked the schools with Hearing Impaired children. I am a advocate for "GOOD" psychotherapy. You may want to try doing some one on one activities with him. With each of you alone. Some times childredn just need to know that who they are is more important than what they are or are accomplishing or not accomplishing. Try not to make what he does or doesn't do his idenity. A psychologist can explain this in depth.
One of the first things that people have a problem with this avenue, is the expense. But, remember this about bringing up a child to be a functioning adult.
I hope this is helpful. Your child needs "you" more than anything.
Good luck.

Hi, I also have a 13 year old son and he also does not care about his academics. We have been struggling with this since the 3rd grade and he is now in 7th. I do not have an advice but I can tell you how we are handling it and see if it makes sense to you.

I have, since the 3rd grade, tried everything for his academics. I have taken away sports, enrolled him in counseling, had him checked for ADD, had his academically tested, driven to school to pick him up to make sure he didn't "forget" his homework, met with his teachers to work out a plan but nothing has worked. Just this past Wednesday I had a meeting with all of his core teachers, he is failing each class, to see what we can do but here's the thing HE, ALEX, has to do it. There is nothing we can do to make him care about his school learning. I can do all I can and so can his teachers but we can't do it for him. He has to care a little be about wanting to get passing grades. It is hard for me to say and do this but we have decided to let him fail. The decision was made that maybe if we all back off a little and explain that if he does not get passing grades he will be in the 7th grade again next year. It seems so harsh but up until this decision we were always batting about his schooling. Homework, grades, everything. I am going to let it go. He is 13 and if he chooses not to work in school or bring it home, I can't help him.

I don't know if this will work or not. I just wanted to respond so you know you're not alone.

Good luck
M.
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Stacy O's advice about a mentor is an excellent idea. He is at the age where not only is his body changing, but as I was reminded this year by my 13 year old son's science teacher, his body chemistry is changing. The sports are an excellent outlet, but they are a privaledge (okay so spelling is not my best subject! and I'm an English teacher ugh!!!). Are you making some time each week to play with your son? Yes, he is getting to be a teen, but he is still a kid. We have started to make a concentrated effort to spend a little more time playing as a family (our weeks are crazy) on the weekends. I have also told my son that if he can maintain his grades at a certain level (okay A's, but he is more than capable) that he will be able to paint his bedroom any color he wants (orange, my hubby hates it!). It has been working. We also encourage him to talk with his grandpa as often as he wants. We give him the privacy to do that. It is over the phone, but it too seems to work. The biggest thing is that your son knows you love him. Being available to chaperone and do fun stuff at school helps! Good luck! H.

Hi K.,

He is 13, at this age they are starting to try to become their own person in spite of us. I am glad you realize that the school was not trying to say you and your husband were not doing a good job. It was a strategy you and your husband tried and it did not work as well as everyone hoped. You did not say directly what the end result of the school idea would be. I assume by your reaction they are saying they will hold him back and you don't agree. If that is the case, did you discuss alternatives? Has anyone thought about a learning problem, some thing going on emotionally with him at school or are you seeing the same behaviors at home? Summer school may be an option instead of holding him back. Ask for a grade report weekly on his progress. Set up rewards instead of punishment for little increments of positive behavior at school and home. All of you seem willing to work with each other. This can be a difficult age for many kids. No one told us about the teenage years and all the stress. Keep communication open with your son the best you can. He really hears you. You and your husband are the most important people in his life even if he makes you think you are not. Keep telling him you love him and you say no because you love him.

Good Luck,
D. O

Look into Sylvan Learning Centers. They do Homework Support, as well as tutoring. They will keep in touch with the teachers and school, and help to ensure he completes his homework, and completes it well. I have seen this make a HUGE difference in many kids that are in the same situation you seem to be in. It also takes most of that homework/school trouble out of your hands, and eliminates a lot of conflict at home.

Adolescence is a very difficult time for both males and females. Your son is very lucky to have the loving support of his family.

In 2006 PBS ran a documentary that offered insight into what it's like to be a boy growing up in today's society. The web address is http://www.pbs.org/parents/raisingboys/ It's based on the book "Raising Cain" by Michael Thompson. The entire documentary is available on DVD. I checked out at my local library. You can check it out through the inner-library loan program if your library does not have it. The documentary changed my perspective on things about boys that I thought I understood. I would even recommend it to his teachers. Good teachers are always looking for insight into how to reach and motivate their students.

Michael Gurain's books "The Wonder of Boys" and "The Minds of Boys-- How to Keep Our Sons From Falling Behind in School and Life" are also great resources. I'm sure they will change your perception of the situation that your son is in and give you the tools to communicate with him and guide him in a loving way though this difficult period in his life.

Good Luck

Hi K.,

I am by no means an expert but is your son in any after school acitivites? Does he has a good social base of friends at school or out of school? I have heard research and seen kids that have something they need to have good grades for will find that inner strength to have those good grades. I was not the best student in middle school but was in sports and knew I had to make the grade to continue playing, which I loved to do. Even if it isn't sports but anything that you can put a stipulation on. If you want to keep doing this you have to maintain a ___ average. I did do much better in high school and great in college. I hope this helps in some way.

C.

Since your son is 13, he may have some idea about what is going on within himself. What does he see as the problem? Have physical issues been ruled out (ie: vision, dyslexia, etc)? What are his motivators? Is he bored? You have probably gone through all of the above already, I'm just remembering the struggles our oldest had all through middle and high school....good luck!

I have a 4 sons, 20,17,15 and 14. What concerns me is that you are sitting in his classroom. He needs to be able to get good grades without your there. Are you planning on going to high school and college with him, also. Your son has to realize that school is important. My 17 and 14 year old sons had the same attitude. I realized a long time ago that no matter how much you may want something for your kids if they don't want it for themself then you are fighting a losing battle. Both of my kids hve ADHD and I find that the medication has done wonders for their grades and behavior. Has your son been tested? If not maybe he should be. You will find that with the right diagnosis things will get alot better.

First of all, you are great and wonderful parents. DOn't ever forget that. Just haveing you and your husband their for support means more to your son than you know. I have a question? Has he ever been tested for ADD or ADHD or anything else by a school pschgologist? Have they ever suggested this to you? I am not saying that he has anything of this, but as a special eductaion teacher I know that many times kids have a hard time focusing or not and they just need a little help doing it, whether with medication or just extra help in school. As parents we don't want to even hear things like this, but if you want your child to succeed you have to give them the tools to do so.

Also, when working with him at home, put a time limit on homework and fun time. Let him have 30 min of fun time and grab a snack when he gets home. This will get him energized mind and body to go back to doing school work. Then have a schedule on what class work you do first second, so forth. After each one is complete, he gets 15 min fun time. THis is done until all work is complete for the night. Also have a rewards system set up for him for when he completes all his work in a reasonalbe amount of time. Start our on an hour to hour basis than gradually increase it to day to day until you get up to only weekly. Sit down together and let him decide what special thing he might like, maybe 5 more min,. free time. or maybe he can have something special for snack, whatever will motivate him to do his work.

Good luck!! I am not looking forward to these years, my daughter begins 6th grade next year. Wish us luck!