Mom Seeking Advice Regarding Christmas Holiday and Family

Oh I hear ya! I have been through so much over the years trying to make everyone happy that I'm just so sick of it that I don't even like Christmas anymore...well, not completely, but the whole you have to be at my house, and my house, and my house, and my house, and give gifts and gifts and gifts till your in debt for life has got to stop. That is NOT what Christmas is about. Now, I do a nice dinner at home with the kids and I only spend about $100 per kid (we have 5 kids). We don't buy gifts for anyone else, not even for each other (me and my husband) because money is tight and if we want something we can buy it any time of the year. We stay in our Pj's and watch movies together and relax. If the family wants to see us to give our kids gifts, they can schedule another day, end of story. Not to mention, my family and my husbands family are both insane. I don't want to spend what is supposed to be a beautiful holiday with either of those nutjob families. I just want to relax with MY beautiful family and watch my children play with their new toys and stuff and eat some good home cooked food that I know we all like. Oh, and I'm never good enough for either family anyhow, so who cares what they think. They can hate me all they want...my kids think I'm the best mom in the whole world and that is all that really matters to me.

Holiday's are such a hard time. We put alot of stress on ourselves to be everything to everyone and never consider what would be best for our family. Your in a difficult spot since both you and your husband have such strong feeling about the situation. First don't feel obligated to buy presents or spend a certain amount. In my situation everyone in our families know's who can afford what and it's never looked down upon if you don't do as much as others, nor is it ever "expected". As for where to spend the holiday, this is the time to make your own family traditions. Have you thought about spending Christmas morning with your family (either just your hubby and kids or your parents and sibilings) and then Christmas dinner with his or vice versa? Does your hubby have lots of siblings with children? I think that makes a difference also. I always loved playing with my cousins on Christmas!!! I have very fond memories of my Christmas' growing up. My family would wake up early and open gifts and my mom would make monkey bread. Then we would play with our toys and get ready and make a 4 hr trip up north to my grandparents house where my dads 7 sibilings and their children would all hang out. Now that I have a family I realize how much of a burden that must have been on my parents every year but on the other hand I loved those times and wouldn't change them for anything. I'm so thankful that they made the effort. Now for my family this is the first year that I'm starting my own tradition and guess what? It's just like what I had when I was growing up. Christmas eve with my hubby's family and then Christmas morning with my husband and son and then off to my parents house which is a 2 hr drive for the rest of the day!!!!
Basically pick a tradition that your family can live with and stick to it. Whether it's you by yourselves and his family on a different day or keeping it the same as it's always been. Just think about what makes the majority of the family happy. It shouldn't be about just your husband or just you, but you guys together and your kids!!!!

I can totally see where you are coming from. The bottom line is that you and your husband need to agree and compromise. That way you don't look like the bad guy. As far as them shopping too much, I have learned that you can't change them! My Mom is the same way and I did try to talk to her about it and basically really hurt her feelings. I wished I had not said anything. My Sister just goes through the things and keeps what she wants/needs. I am learning to do this too. I am just a packrat at heart! Maybe try to create some of your own traditions with your children like baking cookies to take on Christmas Day, going to Church, etc. I hope this helps, Christmas is such a joyous time of year and I hope that you get to enjoy it!

Hello B., I'm sorry that you are so stressed over a holiday that should be the complete opposite. It has become too materialistic. First of all keep in mind that you cannot change anybody but yourself. So don't focus on what your in-laws or hubby want to do with their family tradition. Be happy for them, and support how THEY enjoy christmas. That being said, lets take a look at what you can change. What you do, say and think, and the way you react to other people. Just because you are married does not mean that you have to do as you are told, this is not a parent-child relationship. It is two adults. You have given up all of yourself by trying to please everyone but yourself. Giving is a good thing, but it needs to be balanced. Without fighting, simply tell hubby that you are willing to spend every other christmas with his family, but on the opposite years you will be either stay at home, or going to your families. Notice I said YOU. Do not tell him that he has to do the same. This is taking your power back, and acknowledging your needs and wants. You are intitled to them as much as your hubby is to his. Do not fight about this, just say it and then do it. Every time you find yourself focused on what others are doing that you don't agree with (shopping, presents, etc.), stop and ask what you can change about yourself at that moment, such as thinking about what you want the next year to be like at your house. Plan on making a new tradition for your children the following year even if it is not exactly on Christman day. How about the night before? As far as the presents, this is between you and your children. For every new toy that they get, an old one should be donated to a child who has little to nothing. This clears up the clutter, but keeps the focus on what YOU can change. When you buy gifts, get what you can afford or make homemake gifts like peanut brittle or candy. Don't fight about it, just do it. Your children see you as their role-model, so don't show them that women are not entitled to be happy. If your husband cannot plug into meeting your needs, then take care of them yourself, you are worth it!! After you start taking care of your own needs, without allowing yourself to be bullied into doing what you don't want to do, your hubby will have more respect for you, and maybe even start to see what your needs and wants are. Dr. Phil says that we teach people how to treat us, and he is so right. Love who you are. Honor yourself. You cannot make others love, respect, listen, etc, but you can focus all of that passion and drive on yourself. Have a very Merry Christmas!

Hi B.,
I am so sorry to hear that you are so stressed at this Wonderful time of the year. I can understand your situation. We too had the very same problem. As for gifts, we just buy for the children. Everyone seemed happy to stop buying for EVERYONE! As a parent, I get more joy watching my daughter's reactions and joy anyway. That is all the gift I need.

I told Everyone when I was pregnant with my daughter that we will celebrate with everyone on Christmas Eve, but if you want to see us on Christmas day, you are more than welcome to come visit us. My daughter is going to spend the day in her pajamas (we go to church on Christmas eve) and play with her toys. It has worked for the last 3 Christmases.

Good luck to you! Whatever you do, Have a Blessed Christmas!
K.

B.,

The only suggestion that I could recommend, is that you sit down w/hubby and talk about alternating Christmas. Have one year with his family and the next either with your family or at home. This way his family would know that this is YOUR family tradition for Christmas and hopefully will accept that. Good Luck! Hope that this helps out in some way.

-C.

B.,

You have the same problem that many families do with the holidays, unfortunately they are the most stressful time of the year. I can fully understand not wanting to get everyone dressed up and dragged out on christmas day, this is a time for the kids to stay home in their 'jammies and play with their new toys. You are a family and need to establish your own traditions. Getting that idea across to your husband is the challenge. He needs to understand that Christmas isn't about his going home on Christmas Day it's about his children now. This is not to say that you shouldn't get together with your families, that can come another day near the holiday. If you have several days for festivities it makes the holiday seem longer and less stressful. I bet if you were brave enough to mention that you would only like to buy gifts for the children of your relatives you would find they are all of like mind. No one really wants to be the one to break tradition, even if you know it's the best thing to do. It is very stressful to buy gifts for everyone and no one can really afford that these days. We used to do this in our family too then my sister finally spoke up and said she would only like to buy for the kids. What a relief for all of us. Sometimes we just bring one gift for an adult (men for men, woman for women) with a price limit and exhange gifts that way. You may find that some of your relatives feel the same way but no one really wants to be the one to suggest a change. You are not the "grinch" that your hubby is suggesting you are, you have valid reasons for how you feel. You may not be able to make it happen this year without a major fight but you can begin making those suggestions to your in-laws throughout next year to give them time to get used to the idea. Despite it all, try to look at the true reason for the holiday and let that carry you through.

S.

You deserve to have your own traditions, it's called leaving your family and cleaving to your wife..... I think! Augh! Why do people have to make things so difficult. You should be able to have a say, it's also your Christmas and I bet your family would welcome you or that you would just like to stay home for one year. Do it, put up a stink and stay home, your husband will probably enjoy it! maybe you could do something new for a tradition. If I have to spend eight years with my husband's family on Christmas, I will mutiny!

I understand that your family didn't have any Christmas traditions to carry on but your husband's family did and it sounds like that is very important to him. Also, your children are going to always remember those traditions just as your husband does. You need to ask your children what they think also. I'm sure if you suggest not going to their grandparents for Christmas you may see a disappointed face (at least out of the 4 yr old because he would remember last year). Since you aren't willing to host a family gathering in your home you can't really complain about having to go out on Christmas Day.

As far as the gifts and going into debt, you need to be honest with your inlaws. In mine and my husbands families we buy for the children and our parents but not our siblings. If there are a lot of children in your husbands family maybe you could suggest drawing names to limit the number of gifts that you have to buy. As far as the grandparents buying gifts for the children, you can let them know that you don't have the room for the amount of gifts that they buy. I did have to do that with my son's grandmother when I moved into a smaller home. You have to do that well in advance of the holidays though in case they are early shoppers. My son's grandmother instead asks what one pricier item he might like now and buys that instead of a bunch of little stuff. These are just suggestions but I hope they help.

Jesus is the reason for the season but family is also very important. Try to understand your husbands feelings on this and compromise.

You said your family could care less about christmas, and the decorations and all...but you should expose your children to as much "tradition" as you can, and let them make their decisions about whether or not they want to do it later.
as far as a compromise...my parents both had family, that both had things going at holidays. They compromised by having my mothers' family christmas on christmas eve, and my fathers on christmas day. we did that every year, and ours included a 4 hour drive!!! But I distinctly remember one year that my parents decided...let's not go...let's have a quiet family christmas at home...us kids felt kind of weird...like we were missing something...it was relaxed all right...but pretty boring, and felt just like any other weekend at home...nothing special...and christmas is supposed to be special...ya know?
Today...I always have a "christmas" with my family, but it isn't always on Christmas day...sometimes it's just some random Saturday before the holiday, or its Christmas Eve, or sometimes it is actually Christmas day. depends on everyones schedule.

Why not tell your husband that you want to start your own family Christmas traditions, just you, him and your kids and you want to have it on Christmas Day. You and your husband will have to touch base with his parents and your parents and let them know of the change. You could then celebrate with his family and your family on another day, say Christmas Eve or the Saturday before Christmas, etc. If he and his family do not agree than I would think they are self centered and selfish. You don't have to be lavish in the gift department just because someone else spends more on you for a gift. Buy a gift that you think the receiver will cherish, wrap nicely and praise yourself for buying a great gift for someone you care about. Good luck with your Christmas delimma this year.

B.,
I hear ya! My family was like that- over the top! Eventually I told them I wanted to be home Christmas day (just like my mom always wanted for us!) There was some static, but they still get together Christmas day, but I look at what I've got here at home! Something that can never be replaced by more gifts!(that you don't need)My kids also had so much they didn't respect the things they had and didn't know who they got it from. Santa looked like a Scrooge here at home compare to Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's. They've since scaled back after repeated comments (from me)of over doing it and not needing it! I've began taking the road to becoming a minimalist! Going "green" and needing and wanting less. Who could want more---4 beautiful healthy children and a loving wonderful husband. We have roof over our head, food in our cupboards and clothes (from goodwill)on our back. Less is more!
I can understand your husbands side also, his family ties and traditions are so ingrained that they know no different. They believe that more is better, (not true) Let him know that he can still carry on his traditions with his family but it's time to start your own family traditions, and that your family is just as important as his family. Tell him he might learn a thing or two about what a Christmas really means by going to spend time with your family. Once you take away all the pretty wrapping and bows, you have nothing but love. Your children need both sets of Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. When you are with his family look around (for the good things!) and see what your children will get.. love, family.(point these things out to your children and let them know that gifts and how many gifts aren't what's important. knowing that you have a family that loves you and spending time with them is important. and let them know that some people think that buying and giving gifts is the only way to show your love, but the best gift of all is the TIME YOU SPEND TOGETHER! Lots of Hugs and Kisses never hurt either!
Take a deep breath, be present in the moment, be greatful for what you do have, and love with a forgiving heart!
Merry Christmas!
C.

A little about me: 41, mom of 4(10-boy, 9-boy, 7-boy, 5-girl), married for 14 years, been homeschooling for 6 years
we love to travel(been to 38 states)

This will be my first year of Christmas at my house with just my kids and hubby, but here is how I approached it. Last year I kind of gave them a heads up that next year (this year now) I would like to start something with just my family. My in laws threw a stink about it, but I just kept putting plugs in throughout the year. Now that the time has rolled around, I have called and set up a date to celebrate christmas with just them. They weren't very happy because out of five siblings my hubby was the first to break the tradition. I just simply explained to them, that their traditions were great and all their kids loved it, that I simply wanted to do that for my family. I don't know if they understand, but they said fine. So what I did is set up a date that every year we will celebrate with them...two days after Christmas, and that is their date every year, no questions asked.

As far as gifts, we went through this too. With four other siblings on my hubby's side, plus all their kids, we were going broke. We are the only one income family and felt very cheap and poor around christmas time. So we decided that the kids would just draw names and the siblings wouldn't get anything. As far as gifts for the in laws, we just say a $50 limit. The same goes for them as far as spending on us, but it is a $50 per family for them. Everyone seems to get creative with things to get, which is fun.
I guess I tried not to "fight" my case with my in laws, but simply state my case and say this is how it's going to be. Stress that you will still celebrate christmas with them, just not on the actual day. Your kids can have the excitement of going there, but they will also have the joys of being home. YOu could also start a tradition of making something special on Christmas morning, like cinn. rolls, just to make it extra special. Good luck and Merry Christmas!

wow. you've got a lot going on in there - you sound so frustrated.... we have many of the same tensions in our family and have managed to be upfront and honest with family members. What a novel idea! it was surprisingly useful to all. i got to hear someone else's opinion. we resolved it by having an extended family holiday gathering on a different day where the larger grop gets together. We opted to host each year b/c of space and pet allergies but i know famlies that rotate. we have a grab exchange so no overwhelming presents and Xmas morning is in the house in PJS all day long - no extended family. Big Picture: sounds like the celebration his family likes to have is somewhat foreign to you - which is perfectly fine - but people like to give gifts. do I? nope. my inlaws felt slighted when I asked them not to and well, after listening to them talk about their feelings i realized this is small & why would i need to control this stuff. you could always ask them to pool their budget and buy a family gift, a gift for the children... maybe a membership to the children's museum or tix to the lugnuts - a class through the rec center.
don't stew over it and bicker with hubby - not worth it - talk to your families and be honest. remember you have this family for your whole life - you can bring up issues that are important to your family (or even just you).

B.,
Hello again... I think I just responded to another of your posts yesterday :) Anyway, my suggestion is to celebrate Christmas at different times of the month with different families. For example, we celebrate with my Mom's Dad and his family the first Saturday in December. Then, this year, we are celebrating with my family on the weekend before (the 20th). We will be doing our own Christmas here at home on Sunday the 21st. After that there will be a celebration with my husband's family on Christmas Eve as well as one at my Grandma's on Christmas Day. It makes for a busy month, but also a very enjoyable one as we are able to spend quality, non-rushed time with everyone we love. It helps, of course, to have flexible family members... perhaps your side of the family could celebrate the weekend before or after and perhaps you, your husband, and two boys could celebrate on Christmas Eve? Just a thought. Hope this helps! Have a wonderful holiday season!

K. :)

I can see why you are so stressed out, it is the typical, "keeping up with the Jones" type of Christmas for you. Maybe your husband could do the shopping and you can both agree on a dollar limit. Maybe it's time you and your husband establish your OWN family traditions. A cousin of mine completely understood the difficulty of her children and grand children coming to her house every Christmas day. Now they go to each of their childrens'homes each year instead of the way it used to be. I can see the wisdom in making new traditions as families grow and change. I have to agree with the "too much stuff" thing, my children are the same way with their toys. It is uncomfortable when folks give so much and we don't think it's necessary or we aren't able to do the same. I give each family a gift basket or container filled with things we've made or small gifts I find throughout the year. The true meaning of Christmas is Love, "God so loved the world..." What does Jesus want for Christmas? God bless you and your family, have a blessed Christmas.

B.,

I know what you mean about Christmas getting out of hand! Gifts and decorations are NOT the reason for the season. The birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is. He was the ultimate gift from God. Family is what should come second after that. Although we do put up a tree and exchange gifts, we don't go overboard. I have family that does and they buy quite a bit for us, I have already told them about my budget and I stick to it. Years later they still do it big, and while I appreciate it (to a certian extent) , I refuse to go into debt to "keep up" that is not what its all about. I figure that by now they know the deal and its their choice to do things that way, I am not going to feel obligated.

Tons of presents or a couple presents, decorations or no decorations-Christmas is not a competition. To only go to the best decorated place where you get the most presents, sounds a bit cold and shallow to me. I'm sure your family enjoys your children and loves them every bit as much as your husbands does. They simply show it in a different way. Your husband should respect that. Good luck to you and have a Merry Christmas.

Hi B.,
I hear ya! My in-laws go way overboard...to the point where we open one gift at a time and it takes hours and then some to open everything. My husband and I disagreed about Christmas for a while too, but then we came to a compromise. Christmas day is our day. We will have Christmas at our house with our kids in the morning, and if the grandparents would like to come and visit on that day to see us (or really the kids) they are welcome, but we will be at our house on Christmas. This is now our tradition. We also rotate holidays every year. On the year it's his families turn for thanksgiving, then my family gets to pick their christmas day first. Then we'll schedule his family christmas. The next year, it's my families turn for Turkey day and his family picks a day to celebrate their Christmas, etc. etc. Otherwise his mother would pick Christmas eve every year. Luckily enough we were married and had kids before his younger siblings got married, so they are following our lead and doing the same with their families so we are all on the same page.

I hope things get easier. The holidays are very stressful, especially with the in-laws. I can't wait until my go south for a few months and give me a break! Good luck!

We have two totally different families as well. My families opens gifts for two hours with 1/3 the people of his family. His family sings Christmas carols and my family is all about the food! However we start Christmas parties on Dec. 18 with the school party, his family Dec 21, Church Christmas program, our own family Christmas and then my family Christmas on the 28. Yes that's 10 days of Christmas. Spread out the events if you can. Have your family Christmas on the 24th. We sleep in, make a fun lunch of WHATEVER the kids want, go to a movie TOGETHER and then get to church by 7. Be creative and ask the boys what they want. We also make a Gingerbread house and they add all kinds of candy. It's this weekend so no other parties and it's just us.

Also if you know that you need to buy lots of gifts for his family, buy throughout the year. I start in June to break it up. Remember it's the Christmas season, not just one day and that will make it easier. Merry Christmas.

It seems to me that it is your inlaws perogative to spend whatever money they see fit on the Christmas gifts they purchase. I understand what it feels like to feel obligated to "return the favor" on Xmas gifts but with my family I let them know well in advance what my budget limits are on Xmas gifts so they don't have any expectations that can't be met. My family usually spends much more on my family then I do in return but there are no hard feelings on either side and I don't waste my time worrying about other peoples spending habits. As for where you spend Xmas I feel that should be a combined decision. If your family has a get together every year for Xmas it only seems fair to take turns. But if they don't really celebrate, or even put up a tree, where do you think your kids would prefer to be?