Mom Seeking Advice on Daughter

I think maybe you spending time with her would be great. Play some card games or board games.Practice her catching and batting together. Even going for a walk might help her out.I have little ones but I remember what it was like being 14. Its hard making friends but I think she will be fine when she gets to play softball.

Maybe some supervised internet time would help, or you could take her to the library, there is lots to do there. Maybe give her a section of the yard or garden, to have as her own and grow whatever she wants? She is at a difficult age for girls, good luck.

What about gardening? Seeds aren't too expensive. Someone might be willing to give you bulbs that they have split.

Hi Paula,
Here are a couple of ideas. First of all, think of something you can do as a family on a regular basis (weekly, bi-monthly), such as going to a movie at a "cheap movie house", renting a movie and making popcorn, playing cards (Uno, Euchre, etc.). That way she has something to look forward to , every Friday or so. It will strengthen your relationship as a family. How about this? As weather gets warmer, grill outside once a week. Have her plan and make or at least help with the meal. Making a jello or potato salad gives her something to accomplish and helps the family.
Also, get involved in a church. It's a great way to meet people and they have ready made activities. You'll all get something out of it.
Here's another one. If she is into baseball, watch your professional team play on TV together. Make a night of it, with snacks, cheering, etc.
Take care,
M.

HI,
I remember 14 as being such a tough year for me growing up. I agree with the others help her find something she loves, art, sewing, sports, what ever and let her just pour out her feelings and energy into it. A church Youth group is a great way to find belonging and direction. When I was just a little older (15) I took a Life Guard coarse and it ended up being a huge life saver in so many ways and good jobs all the way through college. I also am an artist now, and my parents let me really express myself during those turbulant years and that helped so much. Be there to listen too. Even though she is independant, she needs you to listen. When I was 14 my mom and I used to take walks together a couple of times a week. She was a busy working mom too and this was our time to just let it out and that I had her undevided attention. Somehow talking and walking really just go together.

Boredom is one of two things, happily neither of which cost a penny to fix: anger or confusion.

A period of confusion at around 14 is normal. Being 14 is hard. There are a lot of brain changes that stop children from being able to think they way they used to, but haven't yet completed their growth to enable to think they way they will be able to. They go between feeling totally incapable of dealing with the inside of their own heads and feeling suddenly capable of all kinds of things they don't know how to do. It's hormonal, which is difficult enough to live with, and a result of physical brain changes that no one is in control of. Basically, they feel frighteningly out of control, lost, alone and misunderstood (because they don't understand themselves)...

The other cause of boredom is anger. Feeling oppressed (which has nothing to do with the rest of her life, it's a feeling, not a reflection of reality, necessarily), feeling restricted (ooh, the restrictions 14yos have!) and feeling disempowered all lend themselves neatly to 'boredom' based on rage. The child is often in a furious state, but can't identify what is making her angry... so she complains about things that often don't matter that much to her, or she whines about how her life isn't entertaining her the way it's supposed to.

She may, in fact, be angry about how confused she feels.

Whatever she's feeling, what she needs is her home and family to be a safe place where she doesn't have to defend herself, justify herself or protect herself from criticims or heckling. She needs her mom to put her arm around her shoulders and tell her how beautiful she is, how mature she is compared to last year, how much time she has before she is required to make a final decision about the rest of her life, and how loved she is. She needs affection, security and a sense of personal power that is not overwhelming to her (the huge range of possible choices that she is suddenly capable of perceiving is pretty overwhelming without the added pressure of mom and dad asking her what she's going to do with the rest of her life)... she needs to be protected from her inabilities and trusted to develop them into abilities over time... as her hormones and brain development settles down.

At this point, she's just flailing around her environment looking for an external 'fix' to an internal struggle. As you may have guessed from how that was worded: there isn't one.

something that doesnt cost and will keep her busy is to find a community program that she can be involved in. Have her try to be a volunteer. Maybe working with kids and it can help her with her social skills. It will give her something she can be proud of. We are very big on getting our kids involved with different things. I hope this cna be something she would like. Ideas are camps that she can not only help younger kids but there might be kids her own age helping there too. She can help at a daycare or summer program that could use the extra help. I hope this helps.
The best thing is to remember that it has nothing and should have nothing to do with money. There are many things to do without money and it is great for her to see that. Ask what interrest her and go from there on a volunteer program.
Christine

Paula,

It can be beneficial for children to be bored because they are forced to find things to do one their own. However, she may need some encouragement to find things she enjoys. Like the other postings I also suggest taking a few crafting classes with her or a photography class together.

Get a nature guidebook from the library and go on a nature hike to a pond, river, lake, or field. Try to identify the flowers, plants, animals and insects in the area.

Borrow a birding CD from the library and try to identify the birds around your house based on their songs. First listen to the CD all the way through and try to recognize the bird songs from around your house, then go sit out in the evenings or mornings and listen to the birds. When you hear a song that you don't know, go back to the CD and try to find it and identify the bird.

I hope these suggestions give you some ideas. Good luck.

-C..

Greetings Paula,

Help is on the way!!!

Here are some thoughts that might help.
My children used to always complain about not having anything to do until I started making suggestions as to what they could do, such as; house cleaning, clean their room, read a book, draw or paint, sew, bead, knit, crochet, make a pie or a cake, prepare a meal for the family, make a menu for the next meal, write a letter to a family member who lives out of town or is sick, play a musical instrument or write a song, poem or short story.
Or on her next boredom episode get involved, pull out some of the things you all have bought her and the two of you play with them.
Here are is another thought I have for you that might help to drive away your daughters boredom.
If there are any cousins or any neighbors around her age, you can invite them to a movie day at your house. Find a good age appropriate movie, provide some beverages and snacks or ask everyone to bring something to eat, and have FUN! If no one is interested in movies, try having a music day.
Much success to you!

Love,
S.

I'm wondering ... why doesn't your daughter have any friends? At 14 ... yes it's a hard age, but most of her time should be spent with girlfriends and sleepovers and movies. I raised two daughters 20 and 24 and at 14 I had to force them to spend time with me (which was usually Sundays, no questions asked) You get involved with her at school, join the parents group and meet other parents of girls and boys her age. See what the other parents are like (becasue the apple doesnt fall far from the tree) and ask your daughter to invite them over for a movie night or take them to the mall and out to lunch (with you of course). Being social at this age is very important for them. It will help them through the next four years of high school. Good luck.

Paula,
My son is 13 and is always saying the same thing. He has friends in school, but we live in the country and there are no kids around us. We try to get him involved in some hobbies, but he still gets bored. He is always wanting to do something, and we just don't have the extra money to go out and do things. I try to do things that he really enjoys, basketball, cards, board games, in summer we play croquet, badminton, doesn't matter, 5 minutes after we are done he still is always bored. I think its the age... teen-agers... But i have noticed, if we are doing something even as mundane as watching TV or a Movie together, he doesn't seem to say I'm bored as often.

Hi Paula, I am wondering if you should invite others over for social time. She may be board but would love company. Find out why she has no friends. Maybe something else is going on. Try to ask other moms that are in her grade at school if their daughters would like to play set something up for a couple hours after school. I think she needs to be more social. As far as things to do, try dancing, maybe a little skit would work. Parks are always fine. Try asking her what she would like you to do to help out this situation. Goodluck. L.

Is she interested in making friends? Why not try having someone one or two that she goes to school with or lives in your neighborhood or even some cousins with friends her age and have them over to watch movies or sleepover or just a girls night when they can all get together and do each others nails or hair and just sit around and talk and share thoughts and stories, these things are not expensive and maybe some of those people will end up being her close friends to talk to and have fun with when she is bored.

Hi Paula:

Being 14 is a difficult stage, remember when you were 14 and the fine lines that where drawn?

Money is not everything - give her satisfaction of who she is by spending quality time with her, provide encouragement to her, and let her know that she is finding her own in this world. The library is free - D. H. Lawrence the White Peacock is a wonderful book for her to read at this age. Pick up your local paper and find some things to do together around town, or go to the park and explore with her.

Time stands still at that age - and please do not forget to tell her how much you support and love her!

M.

I love all the other responses, especially the library one about checking out passes to museums (we have done that). I know when I was a kid if I ever said the words that I was bored my mom found something for me to do. Meaning - work. I plan on doing that to my kids too since I can't stand to hear that word. Does your daughter have housework/chores that she does? This is the perfect age to make sure they know how to clean the bathroom, do their own laundry, wash dishes etc... when they go to college they will need to know how to do all that. You can even help teach her how to cook, if she doesn't already know how. It is time consuming and something she will use the rest of her life. Learning to entertain herself is a handy tool for her to have. The only time I was ever bored at home was when I was putting off homework for school and I sure didn't tell my mom THAT! :) Good luck!

I have a 14 year old boy and he is "bored" all the time. I think that the boredom is the age. We have 2 neigbors about the same age and when they aren't available he is "bored". I think that this is a very social age. They need to have some friends their age, you might want to get her involved in more activities. The softball starting will help, but maybe find out what she is good at (like swimming, and get her to take lifeguard classes), doing something that she is good at, will promote her self esteem and make her more attractive as a friend, plus she will meet other kids too. She can take babysitter training classes, that are offered through Southern Lakes Parks and Recreation (I don't know where you live) and she will meet a lot of other girls there.

I would really be more concerned with why she doesn't have any friends, that might call for a visit with her teachers(without her with you or knowing) so that you can find out if there is something going on you should know about. If she has a my space account, then you need to get on there and see if she is being harrassed. If she doesn't have one, then do a search for on yourself and make sure a fake one wasn't made in ehr name. Good luck.

Does your church have a youth program?

Maybe suggest that she needs to be a friend to have a friend. You know, "Vitamin B-1". She's 14, and teenagers DO have their 'standards'. I went through the same thing. I'm bored. So get creative. If she's bored, she could always help with cooking, or ironing, or something helpful to you. Either she'll think it's great fun and then I'd REALLY worry! LOL Or she'll come up with something on her own to get out of helping you. Think back to when you were her age. How did you behave?
But get her doing something. Take control and explain that either she finds something to break the boredom or she can help you chop onions or some menial task.

play catch with her, sell some of the stuff she isn't using and go see a play or use the money for something fun. Kids don't need mre toys just more time with parents or friends. Maybe check out a church youth group. Local libraries often have free events, movies etc. do some volunteer work play a board games, have her teach you something.

The library has free museum adventure passes through October 24th. They are available for different museum, art, and science centers. The web site is http://www.detroitadventurepass.org/ You can go to your local library and "check out a pass." They usually cover the admission for two or four people.

Dear Paula,

I raised 4 daughters who are now 30, 28, 25 & 22. I also home-schooled them for 8 years. The "I'm bored." thing was something I heard a lot when my girls were growing up. I think part of it goes with that age. Another part of it is wanting someone else to be responsible for their entertainment, rather than finding something that they are interested in. The responsibility has to fall back on them to find something they are interested in. It doesn't have to cost money (something girls that age have a hard time comprehending). It can be as simple as reading a book, listening to music, riding a bike, skateboarding, rollerblading, taking a walk or exploring in the woods. My standard answer for my daughters was to always find a chore or work they could do when they told me they were bored. They soon learned you'd better not go to Mom when you're bored or she'll give you work to do. Given the choice between work and discovering something they would prefer doing, they can usually come up with something more interesting - to them - but it has to be their idea, not yours. This age is very much one of discovering themselves, their likes and interests. If they don't discover those things when they're in their early teens, they may end up looking for their entertainment in other people, boys, drugs, etc. later on. So let her feel free to explore her interests now and find something she really has a passion for. We didn't have a whole lot of money when my kids were growing up either. I tried to keep them active in church, with youth groups, babysitting in the nursery, etc. From that, they developed several babysitting jobs and a love of children. My oldest 2 daughters now have 6 kids between them and homeschool their children. They also took a lot of classes through our homeschooling group. I had kids who took cake decorating classes, sign language, Spanish & piano lessons. Volunteering with developmentally disabled children or elderly people that I was working with is something else my kids did. I read a story recently of a boy about your daughter's age who took a flight simulator video game and volunteered with children undergoing chemo and helped them to pass the time while they were having their chemotherapy. Getting their eyes off of themselves, and onto helping others is always a good way to relieve boredom. I hope some of these ideas may give you ways to help your daughter broaden her horizons.

About me: I'm a 52 year old mother with 4 grown daughters & 7 grandkids, 6 boys, 1 girl. I am divorced and work in home health care. I worked in administration for a home health care agency for the last 3 years, which went out of business the end of March. I am now trying to start my own home health care agency in Traverse City, MI called K.'s Kare. You can check out my website at www.karenskare.homehealthcare.com. My name is K..

Hi paula I do not have a 14 year old so I won't pretend to know what that is like. I just remember being 14. One of my worst ages in fact. I think I didn't feel like a kid anymore but I wasn't a grown up either. I didn't know where i fitted in. (just a hunch she may be going through that as well). For some reason around that time I struggled with friends as well. By 10th grade I was doing fine again though. So hopefully that is apart of the phase. My dime store advice is to help her to not feel like she is "just a kid". She needs independence. Give a few more responsibilities and be careful how to talk to her. I had family members that i think didnt realize they were talking to me as if I were still a little kid. Do a girls night out just you and her. I know money is tight (all to well in fact) but if its just the two of you that is probably a little more doable. I think this will help her at this akward time and then I think she will gain more confidence and that may help with the friends situation. Good Luck I feel for you.

I'm not quite sure all the other responders have 12-15 year olds. I think this age is trying to become adults and that is tough. My kids are this age and it goes through stages. Some friends last month are out this month. Keep challenging your daughter to find something she likes. Not all kids like to read, play sports, etc. I have a niece that loves to bake, but her mother was near tears trying to find something she loved. I have my daughter cook dinner for our family. My son mows the lawn. Let her be independently responsible for whatever you are comfortable with. Mix in some work and some hobbies/interest time. In my opinion the friends will come. Some kids just don't need to be around 6 other kids.

When I was your daughter's age, I became a volunteer at a hospital and it added so much to my life. I highly recommend that she do this or some other volunteer work.

My fourteen year old daughter has been involved with the YCAT program at the Red Cross for a few months and LOVES IT!!! Unfortunately because she plays AAU volleyball she hasnt been able to attend the last couple meetings. Recently they made quilts at a senior home and worked on bikes for a donation program. They make cookies for blood donors, etc.... It's a great group of other kids so you don't worry about "mean girls"...and it gives a sense of social responsibilty. Give them a call!! If you are interested...Jared Meldrum is the contact there. Good luck!!

Need more info;

Why doesn't your daughter have any friends and what are her interests. How is school going?

You buy her things to do, but don't have much money to go anywhere. Maybe re-examine this. A lot of fun things don't cost much money. Try to do some creative thinking. Once a week do "girls night" and have her invite a friend over.
Can she help with cooking supper and creat her own surprise meal.

When she says she "bored" ask her to make a wish list of things to do. Pick one and then figure away to make it work. It may mean she needs to save some money. Good luck

How are you pressed for time? We're broke, so we play card and board games with our kids. They especially like Uno and Yahtzee. I grew up poor with a single parent raising 3 kids. I remember the game nights we had with my mom and how much we enjoyed spending that time with her. It made us closer and not having money to go out and do stuff didn't seem like such a hardship.

Hope this is helpful!
K.

Maybe get her involved in church. There are a lot of youth activities that go on and there is little to no cost. Maybe get her involved in volunteering.

Hi!
Every time one of my daughters complain that she is bored, I give the complainer work to do! This response can be used as a consequence for complaining OR it can have the opposite effect and actually get her involved in something that she will be proud of upon completion. Lord knows that children in the USA have more toys, books, games and activities then they will ever use. Being bored is a choice. Maybe she can volunteer at a local nursing home? Offer to walk a neighbors dog? Make dinner every night? As a working mom, I bet she could help to lighten your burden a bit...take over the laundry?

When my teenage step daughters turned 13 and 15 they moved in with us. The older was very involved with her friends and sports and school. The younger was very insecure and introverted. She felt as if she were inferior to her older sister in looks, smarts, and physical ability. Of course this was completely false. They are both beautiful and intelligent girls with their own talents. I knew that if the younger could find a place / group of her own, she wouldn't feel it necessary to compete with her sister. So I took her to church. I started taking her to Wednesday night youth group where she made alot of great friends and began to blossom in her poetry and art talents. She learned how to run the sound board and make power point presentations for the church. She helped the church band with their musical performances and became well known and very comfortable with the entire church family. She even became confident enough to go to Mexico on missionary work for a week. She earned her own money to pay for the trip by making an selling jewelry. (She was determined to pay for it herself).
She was very put out by going to the church at first, but after a 4 visits, she was begging to go in additional days per week. It's an idea.
Try listening to your daughter, be supportive, and above all patient. Good luck :) I hope things work out for the best.