Mom over 40 with 5 Month old...should We Have Another?

My personal opinion is to go for it. I think it is important for kids to have a sibling! Being an only child is lonely. If you know you are healthy and you had no problems getting pregnant the first time..then go ahead with it! My husband is 42 and we have 1 year olds and we are going to keep having more children. Just because you will be an older mom doesnt mean you shouldnt let another child come into this world. You sound like you are a great mom and you can do it!

If you really want one and can afford one, I say do it IF both of you are on the same page about what you want to do and would do regarding pre-natal testing, having a special needs child or terminating a pregnancy due to certain amnio or CVS results, etc. If you REALLY want another, and you're only going to "feel" it financially but not struggle, get yourself in a mess, etc. -that's manageable. However, as an only child from when it was pretty uncommon and someone who has always known a number of only children -I'll tell you -we're a happy lot. People seem to think that only children regret not having siblings more when they're adults and having to deal with aging parents, and that's not true. From the fights and fall out I've seen in families between siblings due to aging parents -I'm thankful I don't have to deal with any of it.

So -you're "advanced maternal age" -but I was also considered that when I had my two. I'm 41 with a 2 and 4 year old, and the mothers I talk to in play groups who are in their 20s are also exhausted. I have a very good friend and a SIL who both became mothers (one for the first time and one for the second) at ages 42 and 43, and it's all been great! My own mother was born in 1945 to my grandmother when she was 43, and that was simply unheard of! No prenatal testing or anything to help either. SO -probably doesn't help you much, but if you both truly want another and can afford it -do it. BUT, only children aren't lonely children, and if it's just going to add a lot of financial stress to your lives or if you can't come to an agreement about what you would want to do regarding a special needs child -then maybe you shouldn't.

What Julie B says. I had my one when I was 40 (easy pregnancy, delivery, healthy mom/healthy bab - we did all the pre-natal testing). I think knowing exactly what you would do with bad amnio results is absolutely essential. At this point, you are not just making this decision for you and DH. There is an excellent chance that a baby with trisomy 21 or other special needs could outlive you. You are making a big decision for your current baby - will he need to support a disabled sibling later or potentially institutionalize him.You probably also need to consider what you would do if the pregnancy turned out to be twins. And of course you will likely have a perfectly healthy second experience, but I am definitely a what if person.

Hi Busybee,
Even with all the considerations in your post, and all the cautions in your responses.....

Personally, I am STILL a little envious that you have the opportunity for another child since I do not. I had my tubes tied when I was 30 after the third child, sigh.

Now, I have three extremely successful teenagers, a happy well adjusted household, a household income in the black, and a wonderful man, and 44 years of KNOWLEDGE, I can't have another.

So yeah, if your question to ME is, would I GO FOR IT? Totally!

:)

My hubby is 50 and I'm 42. We have a 5 year old and a 16 month old. We debated for a long time before we had our second son as you can tell because of their age difference. My mom had me at 42 and I have two siblings who are 19 and 21 years older than me. So, I basically grew up without siblings. Personally, from reading your post, I say go for it. You will never feel "complete" until you try to have another baby. If you really knew that you were done having children, you would not feel this desire to have another--trust me on that one:) Here's why I say that: The thought of me being pregnant right now and caring for the kids that I now have--no way, I could not handle it. Additionally, my hubby and I would not have any more kids because of these reasons: too expensive-- we would have to buy a bigger house and a bigger car, save more for another kid to go to college, and I have no more energy to run and care for anymore kids. One's fun, two's a zoo, three's---not for me:) I am mentally and physically drained (I was put on antidepressants recently and boy, it sure has helped me).

I wish you luck in whatever your decision may be.

M.

My answer is: go for it! I will be 42 and my boy will be 1 in a few months. He's my 3rd baby in 4 years. The issue is: you want another child, a sibling to your little one now. You're wondering whether you're too old or if you'll have problems at this age. Here's my answer: you just successfully had one without problems.. chances are high that will occur again. Don't rely on the cousins thing.. it's not the same. You can always try and see what happens when your little one is a little older.. if another comes along, there you go! REading your post, I really don't see any reason why you shouldn't. You will already be raising one child in your 40's, why not add the sib and make it a package deal?

You go, girl. I had my kids later in life (at 34 and 36) and I was a better mom because of it. I had waaaay more patience than I did when I was in my 20's and I had just as much energy as any 20 year old.

I refused to do any of the amnios, testing, etc. Like you, I was healthy and I had a great doctor and a great hospital to deliver at. Any issues could have been handled at the time of birth, so I just kicked back and enjoyed my pregnancies.

Sure, there are the statistics of problems that can occur when you have babies after 35.... but many, many women go on to have perfectly healthy children and women in their 20's can have kids with birth defects.

Follow your heart. So what if you are 62 when your kid goes off to college. I really don't get why that would be an issue. We are living longer, healthier lives, so age is really just a number. You sound like a fabulous mom. If this is something you think you can do, then do it! Good luck!

You've obviously put some good thought into this decision. It sounds to me like deep down, you would like to go ahead. Think about that and see if you agree with me on that - I'm not claiming to be able to read your mind.

If it is what you really want, may I suggest that you look for a nutritionist and ask for a program of good quality, easily absorbed vitamins and minerals to help your womb be the healthiest possible environment for a baby? Minerals such as zinc and others are crucial to your ability to bring a healthy baby to term, but for example, by 40, most women are deficient in zinc. There is an organization in England, where I live, called Foresight Preconceptual Care. It is a nonprofit organization that helps couples have the healthiest possible pregnancy, and I used their nutritional programme. I remember they did have some clients in the US, but I imagine it's expensive to have the supplements shipped internationally - that's why I suggest a nutritionist instead. Many women who get pregnant at 36 or 37 can get by, but the older we get, the more we rely on, and tend to lack, the essential nutrients needed for a healthy pregnancy.

Go for it you'll never know how it'll be unless you do it

I'm nearly 42 and have a 1 year old and a nearly 4 year old. Even though I was 40 when we had our second son, my husband and I decided that we wanted to have a sibling for our first son no matter what. We're both the youngest of 5 and wouldnt be without our siblings for anything. Particularly if you're older I think it's important that they have someone else in their immediate family. They can then be aunts and uncles for each others children, have cousins. I think a sibling is priceless, so I say go for it! Good luck. xx

Normally at the age of 40+ I say no, but you sound like you know what you are getting into.

Why the heck not have as many children as you want? You will find a way to take care of them, smaller houses can be moved out of, sounds like you have a good situation for raising children.

If you had had any serious medical issues then i would think maybe about saying maybe not due to risks of you not being around to raise the other child but since you are healthy and had no issues then go for it and have as many children as close together as you want.

Adoption is always an option too but you can do that along with having more biological children too.

You'll be 62 by the time your current child is 20 yrs old.
You'll be paying for collage and retirement at the same time and eventually maybe a wedding.
I had our son at 36 and if we could have had another before I turned 40 I would have but it didn't happen.
It was exhausting chasing after a toddler.
We're coming up on his puberty and my menopause at roughly the same time.
With the one, we can spoil him and he never has to share his Mom or Dad with another sibling. There's no bickering or fighting over attention and no compromising over which activity to attend because of conflicts of schedules. Your son will have plenty of friends his age at school and in what ever activities he's in. There's a lot of pluses to having just one.

lots of older parents out there. This should boil down to your health, your finances, & what's in your heart.

I was 34 when my youngest was born, my husband 42. Fast forward: our son is 14, & we're 48 & 56. Just the other day, my DH picked up our son at school & one of the kids working in the front office.....came over to tell "Santa" what was missing from Christmas & what he wants for next year! My DH & my son were laughing hysterically when they came home! ......my husband's been completely white-headed all of our son's life!

I'm sure you've thought of this, but your age(s) does make it much more likely that you will have a child with special needs. Have you considered what you would do in that situation? If you would be prepared to handle it, or prepared to terminate the pregnancy, then I say go for it. If you would rather have an only than deal with the possibility, then my advice is to not.

And I certainly know that many many many women over 40 go on to have completely healthy babies. But given how the statistics change, I do think it should be an important part of the conversation.

Good luck!

Others have brought up a lot of the good things to consider on both sides. Here is one added about age, but on a different angle.
Here is a con than can be made a pro after looking at it a bit differently.
Yes, you are older...yes, you'll be 62 when your current child is 20. Does that make it more or less of an argument to have another child? In my mind, if you can afford them...it is actually a good reason to have another child. You see, whether we all like it or not, having children later in life (I certainly fall into that category) means we won't be around for as much of THEIR lives, statistically speaking (ok, I know, we could all die in a car accident tomorrow, etc. but I'm talking about age related issues). I love the idea that even though I might not be around to see my grandkids or great grandkids, that my son and daughter will at least have eachtother and feel that it's even MORE important for them to have a sibling (s) when we'll likely be leaving their lives sooner. Does that make sense?
As for college and weddings and whatnot...I really don't feel someone's life should be denied due to that if you want another child. There are school loans, small weddings, they can help pay, etc. Now if you can't put food on the table...BIG difference.

Just my 2 cents. We're debating #3 and let me tell you, the cons list is SO long...but the pros list just seems heavier albeit shorter.
Best wishes in your decision.

Please keep in mind, that the older you get, the greater your chances of having multiples. I would go for it, but that's just me.

I'm about to turn 43. I have 6 year old and 2 year old sons. I can't imagine them without each other. I Love watching them, even when they disagree, just because they know each other soo well.

The ladies brought up a couple of good points: multiple births, birth defects, and aging.

There is also your age to consider. We are not as young as we use to be. I certainly don't have the stamina I had 10 years ago. I'll be 47 in a few months so it may as well be 50. My husband and I are both starting to see a few health issues arise. None of us can look into a crystal ball and see our future but statistically speaking - what would happen to your wonderful children if you came down with some horrendous illness?

I know that sounds gloom and doom but it's something we all have to think about. Is it fair to the children?

Could you and hubby deal with a special needs child and what would you do when you and hubby were to old to tend to those needs?

Just some food for thought. Only you can make this decision and I wish you well on whatever journey you take.

I don't have an answer for you. I read several responses, but not all. I had my four kids in my 30's. There are now 11, 14, 17, & 19. One aspect I haven't heard many people talk about is if you and your husband are older when you have kids - will one or both of you be alive when they graduate from high school. I am amazed at how many of my kid's classmates have a parent who has died. I don't remember this happening much when I was a kid. (At that time most people had their kids in their 20's.). Most of the deaths have been due to cancer or massive heart attacks, usually in their 50's. So they too were healthy in their 40's. I don't know if it's a reason not to have a second, but maybe extra thought into what if one of us does not live to see the child graduate from High School. Another thought is it is more likely your grandchildren will never know you. It's interesting to think about what society maybe like when many children have never known grandparents. Again I really don't have an answer for you. Best of luck in whatever you decide.

I agree with the majority on here who have said 'go for it'. It does sound like that's really what you and your husband want to do, and from your post I see nothing to keep you from it. You'll want to wait most likely until your son is a year or so old to try.. simply to let your body be more ready for the next pregnancy.
The one thing that struck me, but I haven't seen anyone mention, is that you say you would have to move because your house is small. I'm not sure that's true. When we were raising our two we lived in a house that was barely 1000 sq. ft. I don't find either of them, as adults with their own children now, resenting that they didn't have a big house with lots of room. We made love and family togetherness more important than houses or things. In fact, that house holds a special place in our hearts, now that we've all moved elsewhere, and has actually become our symbol of our family's love for each other.

As a mother of three, if I could do it over, I would have one child. I don't see any advantage to giving your child a sibling. Parenting is hard. Parenting two children is twice the work, twice the expense, twice the stress. But you -- the parent, the mother, the father -- are the same. You don't grow extra arms or energy just because you have another child. I often think I would have been a better mother if I'd had one instead of three. On the other hand, you never know who your next child is going to be, and each child is so wonderful, that it's tempting to have another. And your heart swells bigger and bigger with each child. It's good that you're so thoughtful about it. Good luck with your decision.

I know couples who were young and had babies with problems, and older that did not. Do what your heart & a realistic assessment of your health tells you.

One woman I know had her last child older than you. She is "young" physically and mentally, still works, etc and will probably, at age 90 be as "young" as other women (like me) at 70.
That child is just entering college, and has been such a blessing to all.

In other words, YOU assess your situation, your health, etc. **I** could not have had another child in my forties. She easily could and did, and everyone is so glad she did!